Cornucopia - 6. Old Scars

While it may not have been a quality he would have thought of as a good one, no matter how old he got, how full his life became, or how large his family had grown over the years, Jacob still enjoyed the peaceful silence and solitude his workshop afforded him. Regardless of how many friends he had or his job as a parent and a husband kept him busy through most of his days, he always felt more refreshed after getting some time to himself when he had the chance. So, when he tells Kyle he is going to work in his shop, Kyle knows to give him some time alone. Working by himself was not an activity he got to enjoy as much as he once did. There were typically phone calls during the week he would have to answer. Sometimes, he would have to stop work on a personal project and dedicate the rest of the day on an order. But with the house filling up more with Aaron and Colt, along with Father’s Day in a few days, he felt the sudden desire to retreat for a few hours, do some work and head back in for dinner in a few hours.

Sitting on his stool, hunched over his old drawing desk, he focused on the paper in front of him, carefully drawing plans for the new shop he was going to be opening next year. After a few months of discussions with Kyle, haggling and a few tense moments with acquiring loans, he was ready to start a new chapter in his life with his family. It wasn’t going to be easy, and he still had lingering worries about it not working out, but with the amount of work he had on his backlist, he knew he could wait no longer. Talking with David and going over all the details, he saw the road ahead of him and was eager to take his business to the next level.

His plans were modest to some extent. He only planned on hiring a few people to help with keeping up with orders. A couple apprentices and perhaps another experienced carpenter would be all he would need in the beginning. There were so many possibilities where his business could go from there, he didn’t want to get overwhelmed with all the things that may go right and end up ignoring all the potential problems that could also arise. As he added more detail and notes to his blueprints, he smiled to himself. If he felt confident in his goals it was only because Kyle’s approval helped to reinforce that confidence.

Jacob was getting into his second hour when he heard the door behind him slowly open. He paused for only a moment to listen and then smirked to himself, knowing who it was without even needing to turn around. “What’s up, Tanner?”

The young boy stopped in mid-step, caught off guard. “How did you know it was me?”

Jacob turned in his stool and smiled. “I’m psychic.” Tanner and Blake had spent most of the week at the house while their dads were working. Brian was busy taking classes to keep up his certification which meant the boys were spending most of their summer at the orchard. Not that either of them minded.

Tanner rolled his eyes and sighed. “Okay, Uncle Jacob.”

“What can I do for you?”

Tanner’s eyes looked uncertain as he asked, “would it be okay if I just sit and read a book in here?” He lifted up the book in his hand to show Jacob. “I promise I’ll be quiet.”

Jacob nodded. “Go ahead and have a seat. What’s wrong with reading inside?”

Relaxing after getting permission, Tanner walked over to the corner where an old, faded loveseat stood out in contrast to its surroundings. “I just didn’t feel like reading to Blake and the others.” He laid down on the loveseat and opened his book to resume reading where he left off. “They always want me to read to them.”

Jacob turned his attention back to the plans on his desk. “What’s so bad about that?”

Tanner shrugged. “It’s okay if it’s one of them. But if Blake and Matt are together, they ask a lot of questions. And Aaron doesn’t really pay attention. He just wants to grab the book.”

Jacob grinned at the mental image Tanner’s explanation created. “Okay. I guess that makes sense.”

Tanner flipped open the book and began to read quietly as Jacob worked at his desk. Over the last month, Jacob had been spending more time with Tanner than usual. While he loved all of Troy and Andy’s children, he realized not long after his talk with Brian and another one with Andy, that he had been mostly lumping them all together instead of remembering that they were all separate kids with separate and growing personalities. Chase was the spitting image of his dad but tended to be more free-spirited and charming rather than the take charge person his father was. Carter was more like his mother. Inquisitive, thoughtful and imaginative. Jacob imagined Carter would someday be the most mindful of all of their kids.

Blake was the impulsive one. The one who was always ready to leap into something new with a grin on his face. He was already starting to get taller than Carter and Matt and Jacob privately felt that he would be towering over all of them by time they enter their teenage years. Matt was just like his father and Jacob loved him even more for it. Thoughtful of others, excitable as only a young boy could be, but with an equal amount of seriousness at times. Jacob knew that Matt would grow up faster than he probably should. He already acts older than other six year old boys at times. He and Kyle make sure that he takes time to have fun and just be a boy. Aaron and Emily were still growing and just hitting their stride as toddlers. What used to be fumbled steps by his little boy were now purposeful clomps of his feet as he ran down the hallways. It was at the same time a delight and an alarming sight and it at first caused Jacob’s heart to leap into his throat when he was convinced Aaron was going to fall and hurt himself. What their futures may hold, Jacob was uncertain, but he was eager to find out.

Tanner was normally the more outgoing, funny and likeable child with a bit of maturity that would surprise a person when they first met him. But in the last few months he had become quieter and less open than normal. In the back of his mind Jacob felt a nagging sense of concern as if he had seen something like this before, but he had a hard time defining it. Jacob and the others knew it was due likely to the sudden death of his mother months ago. At first, Andy expected it to pass quickly since Tanner had been very young when he and Stacy divorced and since that time, she had no contact with Tanner or Blake. But his mood remained reserved longer than Andy had expected. He had tried to talk to him, but Tanner seemed uninterested in the topic of his mother. Brian had also reported that he was also getting nowhere with Tanner, saying, “it was like running full tilt into a brick wall the moment I mentioned her.”

Jacob had decided to just be available to him and gave him some extra time with just the two of them. He took Tanner on a few rides on the ATVs around the orchard and into the forested area beyond where paths had been made from years of use between Kyle, Jacob and the others. Their official use was for transporting large crates of apples at the end of the harvesting season, but David allowed them to use them whenever he deemed it safe. Now as adults, David’s only requirement was that they wore their helmets, knowing that all the safety rules he instilled into all of them over the years remained in place.

He didn’t press Tanner for details or urge him to talk when they were having their private moments together. Jacob opted instead to just let the boy be himself and get away from it to relax. So far, while Tanner had not spoken up much, Jacob got him to smile more often than the others could.

“You better get your fill of Matt and Aaron now while you can,” Jacob said as he made a few notations on the papers in front of him.

Tanner looked over at Jacob curiously. “Why?”

“Because, in about two weeks they and their grandpa are flying to California for two weeks. Won’t be back until right before your birthday.”

“What’re they going there for?”

Jacob glanced over at him, noting Tanner’s casual curiosity. “Visiting their grandma. She wanted to see the boys and meet Dad’s boyfriend.”

Tanner made a face. “He’s weird. Dad likes him though.”

Jacob smirked. “Colt’s a good guy. Your dad likes him.” A sudden thought came to him. “Oh. Speaking of grandma’s, I ran into yours at the store a few days ago.”

Tanner’s face got more serious and, Jacob noted, cautious. “Grandma Peterson?”

Jacob nodded as he turned in his stool to face Tanner directly. “Yeah. She was asking about you and Blake. She hadn’t seen the two of you much before your mom’s funeral or since and wondered how you were doing.”

Tanner’s eyes looked more dubious as he tried to casually go back to his book. “Oh.”

An odd feeling came to Jacob’s mind as he watched Tanner losing the spark in his eyes. Like a kind of alarm in his head trying to remind him of something that he couldn’t put into words. Like a half-remembered dream or a song whose lyrics eluded him. With a quiet sigh Jacob rose from his stool and moved to join Tanner on the loveseat. With just a touch he could sense how guarded the boy was becoming and he didn’t want to scare him. “I’m sorry if it still hurts, Tanner,” he said quietly. He knew he was taking a chance, but he felt he had to try. “Is talking about your mom upsetting to you?”

Tanner was quiet as he stared at the words on the page in front of him. “I just don’t like talking about it.”

“That’s fine. No one’s going to force you. But if you do want to talk, or if you have any questions, you can ask.”

Tanner sat up and appeared as if he had an uncomfortable thought that he wanted to get rid of. Jacob sat silently and watched him for a moment to see if he was going to say something. Just as he was about to give up, Tanner asked, “did you grow up with my mom?”

Jacob frowned slightly having not anticipated that question. “I only knew her for a few years when we were in high school. She and I really didn’t talk much. But that’s more my fault than hers. I wasn’t a very outgoing person in school.”

“What do you remember about her back then?”

It was Jacob’s turn to feel uncomfortable. He had not known her very well and most of them time she barely acknowledged his existence. “Well…. She was very pretty. She had a lot of friends. That’s about all I can remember to be honest.” He wasn’t being completely honest with the boy, but he reasoned there were some parts of his mother’s past best left unsaid.

Tanner sighed in disappointment. “That’s what everyone else said.”

“I’m sorry. There’s just some things that are a little too grown up for you to understand right now. When you get older, if you still want to know, I’ll tell you.” Jacob put his arm around Tanner’s shoulders. “What’s important to me right now is you.”

Tanner looked up at him and the sadness in his eyes went straight to Jacob’s heart so swiftly he had to force himself to not show it. “Am I a bad person?”

“No!” Jacob gently shook him to emphasize his point. “Why would you think you might be?”

“Because…” Tanner struggled to find the right words. “I don’t really miss her.”

Having gone through enough counselling sessions to know that he should keep his voice modulated and not sound critical, Jacob continued to gently push him to talk more. “What did you feel when you found out she had died?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I just felt like… I wasn’t really feeling anything. Just…”

“Were you sad?”

“No.”

“You know that’s okay, right?”

“It is?” A small glimmer of hope seemed to spark in Tanner’s eyes.

“Absolutely,” Jacob assured him. “Your feelings are yours. No one can tell you how you feel or that what you feel is wrong. So, if you weren’t sad, were you happy?”

“No,” Tanner confessed. “It just feels all jumbled up inside. Like…”

Jacob smiled slightly. He was starting to get an understanding of where this was headed. “Like you were able to breathe again?”

Tanner thought about it and slowly nodded. “Yeah. Like… Like I felt tired because I was trying to run, even if I wasn’t moving.”

He tightened his hold around Tanner’s shoulders affectionately. “It sounds to me like you were feeling relief. You were maybe a little sad she died, but also felt a little safer at the same time.”

Tanner nodded again. “Yeah.” He was quiet for a second before he added, “sometimes, when Dad was… you know… sick… I would get worried that she would come back and take us. And I didn’t want to go because… I was afraid of what would happen. How did you know?”

Jacob looked into his eyes and finally realized that, in a way, he was talking to a younger version of himself. A boy who’d been hurt by someone he thought he could trust. A parent. An imperfect person who only thought of themselves and had no concern about the scars they left in their wake. It dawned on him suddenly that when he had been Tanner’s age, he had no grown up to talk to. No one to lean on or have a chance to learn to trust again. It wasn’t until he met Kyle and through him his dad that he found himself able to talk about things and finally let go of all the hurt and mistrust he had shouldered as he grew up. But even then, it took him a long time to fully trust David. The scars left by his father ran deep. Now, he had an opportunity to stop the scars from forming on another young boy before it was too late. “I understand better than you think.” He leaned over and kissed Tanner’s forehead tenderly. “Now, I want to make sure you hear what I’m about to tell you. The things she said and did to you are over. She can’t hurt you anymore. But more important than that, I want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong. You weren’t bad and you didn’t make any of it happen. I know it won’t happen right away, but you need to let her go. You have me and your dad and your dad Brian. And you have Uncle Kyle, Uncle Troy and Aunt Liz. Not to mention your grandpa and your grandma Lisa. We love you. And all the good things you’ve done and will do are just things your mother missed out on. Don’t hate her for the things she did because we’ll never know why she did them. But don’t let it stop you from being the best person you can be.”

Tanner sat there, taking Jacob’s words in. “So, I’m not a bad person because I’m never going to miss her?”

Jacob smiled and shook his head. “No.”

Tanner sat there, pondering Jacob’s words. As he did, he slowly leaned into Jacob and smiled a little in relief. “No one’s going to think I’m weird because I don’t cry about her like my grandparents did?”

“Nope. If you’re weird, that’s because of you being awesome and other people not appreciating it like the rest of us do.” Jacob could feel Tanner relax more as they sat there and it gave him a measure of relief. After a slight pause he joked, “or we could just blame it on Brian for being a bad influence on you.”

Tanner giggled and looked up at him. “I like Brian.”

Jacob grinned. “Me too.” He rose from his seat and started back towards his desk. “Go back to your book. I’m gonna finish up what I started.”

“Okay.” Tanner opened his book again and picked up where he left off, sounding more like himself to Jacob’s ears than when he first came in.

Jacob smiled a little to himself as he set back to work on the floor plans for his new business. “Hey, Tanner?”

Tanner looked up from his book again. “Yeah?”

“Maybe tomorrow, you and I can run into town and I’ll get you a new helmet, then we can take one of the four-wheelers out for a spin in the back woods. How’s that sound?”

Tanner’s eyes lit up as predictably as Jacob expected. “Yeah!”

Jacob chuckled. “Sounds like a plan then.” He went back to his blueprints, but his mind focused on their conversation. Unexpectedly, old memories came with it. Memories of what it was like as a boy with an alcoholic father. How different things became over the years. If he tried hard, he could envision what his dad had looked like before his teenage years. Before the drinking had taken hold of him completely. In some ways it was as if he had had two fathers back then. One who cared for him and did his best to raise him and another who was dark and brooding and prone to violent moments. Over time, Jacob saw the first one less and less until one day he was just gone, and all Jacob had left was a yearning to survive the next assault. It hadn’t even hurt at first when he felt his father’s hand strike him. But it had been a devastating blow to Jacob’s sense of security and innocence. And the worse things became, the more frightened, timid and desperate he became to escape. So, he constructed a shell around himself and his heart. Holding the best parts of his dad to himself and pretending that someday, he would find a way to make it all better again.

He sat there at his desk unmoving as his mind reviewed all the good and bad moments of his childhood and how much he just wanted to make his dad happy and was willing to do whatever he needed to do to make it happen. But the older he got, the more impossible the task became. And the more his own anger and resentment built within him. The more he took his pain out on others. He didn’t want to run away from his dad. He wanted to save him. But he didn’t know how and all his efforts had been for nothing. And when he managed to find his own happiness away from his father, it nearly killed him. With the hindsight he had now, he understood that at some point, he had just come to accept that the father he loved when he was a little boy was gone for good. The thought brought renewed tears to his eyes. If anything, Jacob felt that his father had died long before he met Kyle and the others. And sitting there as his desk, feeling those same feelings he used to have for Joe Eaton, Jacob was forced to admit that a small part of him still yearned to feel his dad love him again. He hoped Tanner would one day forget all about his mother entirely and be spared the ache that he was feeling now.

The door to the workshop opened and David poked his head in. “Jacob? Is Tanner in here?”

Jacob blinked his eyes a few times and turned in his stool. “Right over there,” he indicated with his thumb just as Tanner was getting to his feet.

From his vantage point at the door, David couldn’t see the other side and looked at Jacob as he stepped inside. “Tanner, it’s almost time for lunch. Go get cleaned up with the others.”

“Okay.” Tanner got up and headed to the door, getting an affectionate pat from David as he passed by. He stood there for a minute, looking at Jacob’s face and waited to hear the door close behind him before he spoke. “I’m sorry if he was intruding on you. I guess I didn’t notice him sneak out of the house.”

Jacob smiled reassuringly. “No problem. He just needed a little quiet time himself.”

“He say anything?”

“About what?”

David’s eyes narrowed a little as the corners of his mouth twitched up in amusement. “About anything.”

Jacob shrugged. “We talked. He… had some stuff he needed to talk about and so we talked.”

David nodded slowly, unsurprised. “Anything you want to share?”

Jacob’s eyes lowered slightly as he thought about how to answer. “We talked about his mom and how he feels about everything. He’s just going to need a little time is all.”

David could see the look in Jacob’s eyes and remember the first time he saw that lonely, lost look in his bright blue eyes. He stepped closer and asked softly, “she hurt him, didn’t she?”

Jacob knew after all these years he could never hide much from this man and so he didn’t bother trying. “Yeah.”

David nodded as he came closer. “Did you tell him what I told you when you came to live here?”

The memory and the pain that came with it struck him so fast, Jacob could barely contain the sob that leapt from his throat. “Yeah.” It had been over fifteen years since he told David about what happened with him and his father on a quiet night when Kyle was upstairs sleeping. He could remember how lost and afraid he had been and how David had held him as he cried and assured him over and over that everything was going to be alright. And here he was, a father in his own right, brought to tears remembering how badly it had hurt him.

David could see the tears in Jacob’s eyes and put an arm around him as he spoke. “Do you need me to remind you that it’s all still true? That you never did anything wrong and that none of it was your fault?”

Jacob smiled and shook his head as he wiped his eyes. “No. I remember.”

“Good.” He patted Jacob’s shoulder affectionately and watched him recover from his sudden burst of tears. “Some old scars never fully heal, son. I’m sorry that you had to remember it again. I know you’ve spent years trying to forget. But I’m proud that you were able to use that to help Tanner.”

Jacob stood up and nodded in understanding. “Yeah. Thanks, Dad.” There was no point in staying at his desk. He knew there was no way he was going to finish what he started today. The two of them started to make their way to the door when Jacob had a sudden urge. He wrapped his arms around David and pulled him into a tight hug.

Caught off guard, David hesitated for a moment before hugging him back. “Whoa. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “I just… wanted to thank you.”

David chuckled softly. “Thank me for what?”

Jacob swallowed the lump in his throat as he regained control of himself. He wasn’t sure if it was anything he’d ever said out loud to David in the past. It may have been something that never needed to be said, but he wanted to in that moment. He took a breath and said what was in his heart. “Thank you for letting me be your son.”

The affect his words had on David went unseen as David hugged him closer and blinked the tears from his own eyes. He held him close for a moment silently before he could trust himself to speak. He could never imagine a better Father’s Day gift than that. “Thank you for letting me be your dad.” He kissed Jacob’s cheek before letting him go and the two of them silently headed back up to the house.

The rest of the day went by smoothly. Jacob kept most of the boys entertained with some games while Kyle and his dad were busy working. Colt seemed to be softening up and genuinely seemed to enjoy spending time with Aaron. That set Jacob’s mind at ease about their up coming trip to California. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Colt. He just wasn’t sure if he was up to the challenge of caring for Aaron long term while they were away. As much as he knew he and Kyle would miss the boys, Jacob was looking forward to a week all to themselves. He saw it as an opportunity to just be together without the constant hassles of everyday life that got in the way.

Andy and Brian showed up near dinner time and they all ate together in the dining room before they took Tanner and Blake home for the night. Jacob wasn’t surprised to receive an affectionate hug from Tanner before he departed. Afterwards, a comfortable quiet settled in the house. Jacob did some sketching on his notepad to pass the time while everyone else watched television or kept Aaron entertained. Occasionally, he would stop whenever Matt or Aaron wanted to play with him which he always enjoyed. As they played, he thought of Tanner and made a mental note to talk to Andy privately at some point that weekend about their discussion.

There was still a small weight on Jacob’s heart while holding Aaron in his arms and carrying him to bed for the night. Memories, once awakened, take time to fade away again. He knelt onto the floor and gently placed Aaron in his bed. As he gently stroked Aaron’s hair while he drifted off, Jacob wondered if his father had ever done the same to him. He wanted to believe he had. He wanted to believe that at some time in his life, his father had loved him as much as he loved Aaron now. As Aaron’s eyes slowly closed and sleep took him, Jacob smiled down at his little miracle. While his childhood had not been ideal, he was going to make sure Aaron’s would be much better.

A touch on his shoulder brought him out of his inner thoughts. He looked up and saw Kyle looking down at him with a loving smile. Without a word he rose to his feet and carefully stepped into their bedroom, following behind Kyle as he turned the lights off.

Kyle was just beginning to undress. “Dad told me you had a talk with Tanner today,” he said before pulling his shirt off.

Jacob flushed slightly and nodded as he shut the door. “Yeah. It was no big deal.”

Kyle smirked. “Mr. Modest.”

He chuckled as he finished undressing and slipped into bed. “I guess I just have a way with things.”

Kyle turned the light off and joined him. He drew Jacob close and kissed him. After letting their lips linger for a moment, Kyle whispered into the darkened room, “then how come you looked so upset when you walked into the house?”

“What do you mean?”

Kyle chuckled and rubbed Jacob’s back. “You had a look on your face like… like the way I remember you looking the day we brought you back here from the hospital. Seriously, sweetheart. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

Jacob nuzzled up against Kyle’s neck, feeling loved and remembering how strong that feeling was the first time they shared a bed. “Just some old memories is all.”

Kyle gently rubbed his husband’s back, knowing how relaxing it was to him. He thought about what old memories he was talking about and then he put the pieces together in his mind and felt more concern for Jacob. “Stacy abused Tanner, didn’t she?”

Jacob nodded. “He didn’t say as much but… I know.”

Kyle kissed Jacob’s head. “And it made you think about your dad?”

“Yeah.”

Remembered guilt filled his heart as he nuzzled Jacob. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I know how hard it is for you to talk about it.”

Jacob felt a measure of comfort from Kyle’s words. It helped to settle his heart even as he dealt with the trauma of his past. “Thing is…” He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he was ready to share his memories. “Kyle, no matter what, there’s always going to be a part of me that blames myself. I never told anyone else this, but the last time I saw him, he was trying to get sober. The problem was that I was anything but. I still harbored so much anger against him and I couldn’t bring myself to forgive him. And before I could he was gone. Maybe if I’d tried more, or talked to your dad about it, maybe… maybe he’d be here today.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that,” Kyle assured him. “I know there’s always going to be a little bit of doubt about that in you, but you have to remember that he was the one who hurt you.”

Jacob could feel his eyes moisten, remembering the last time he was with his dad and wishing how differently it could have been. “I just wish I had told him that I forgive him, I guess.”

“He knows.” Kyle kept gently rubbing Jacob’s back and felt him relax under that familiar and comforting touch until they both drifted off into sleep.