How I Live Now - 24. Day 42

Day 42

Today was an all-around terrible day–not because I did anything terrible, but due to the sinking feeling in my heart. Somehow, I feel like I've lost all sense of direction, and I have chosen to give in to the seedy underworld. It's not my proudest accomplishment, but I'm afraid. I'm fearful of having to go home to my dad… I'm scared of Salvatore–he's scarier than my father. It's the knowing of what could happen but not realizing when it could happen. I believed I was pretty clever staying away from all the drama, but now I'm lost in the middle of it. I should have stuck to my guns and said no to Matias. I should have continued on with my life without ever considering Salvatore and his money. How did I allow myself to act stupid? Now I'm fucking trapped in this predicament. I am in the middle of the world but with nowhere to go. It sucks that such a nice boy is caught up in all this shit.

Matias turned up this morning like he promised. It was after 10 AM. There was a heavy fog blanketing the city, and that was weird. Mind you, it did feel quite humid, so…. maybe it was just the day heating up. It was muggy, and Doug's apartment doesn't have air conditioning or a ceiling fan. How he can go without one is beyond me? Doug is still a bit sore-headed with me. He's not as chatty as he usually is in the evenings. I have a sickly feeling that I will get kicked to the curb, and it will be any day now.

But back to Matias… he rang the doorbell, and I opened the door. He was looking over the balcony on the landing, observing some kids play on bikes in the parking lot below, and when he saw me, he grinned. I nodded for him to come in, and he slipped inside. When I shut the door, the foyer fell dark and silent. I told him to proceed toward the kitchen, and he led the way. He removed a chair and sat, sighing as his bodyweight connected with the seat. I leaned against the breakfast counter.

“You sleep…?” Matias asked.

"Just a little…." I said.

Matias agreed, clearly understanding what I meant. It took me forever to fall asleep, but once I did… I was out for the count. My brain wouldn't calm down. I kept thinking about what Matias would ask of me today. I prayed that it wasn't knocking off some old lady because she forgot to pay her protection money. Possibly Sal doesn't hurt old women… maybe the man has a motto. Though it doesn't feel that way to me. Leaches like Salvatore prey on everybody to get them forward in life. If there are obstacles, they are taken down–down with an SUV as they walk on the street to the grocery store.

Matias was wearing this baggy windrunner with the zip drawn all the way to his neck. He looked a little different since the last time I saw him… I could tell he was up to something. The stillness of the condo was starting to deafen me, so I cleared the air.

“So… What do I have to do?” I said.

Matias chuckled… “What… Straight to business… No coffee?”

I laughed, but it wasn’t from amusement. My insides rattled, so it was an involuntary reaction, and it slipped out. On autopilot, I spun, searched for the coffee maker, and hit the switch for it to heat up. Matias must have noticed my less than stellar expression, so he sat up confidently. His back cracked from the pressure as he let out another sigh. I pressed my butt against the breakfast bar again, then Matias unzipped his jacket and removed a small brown bag wrapped in plastic. It was about the size of my hand. I don’t know shit about the stuff, but I knew it was drugs. It made me paranoid immediately. I don't understand how he casually removed it and presented it on the table with little care. I scampered over to the doorway, ensuring Doug really went to work, and absently shut the kitchen door.

“You want me to become a crack dealer?” I murmured.

"Not me… Salvatore. It's only about 2 pounds. It's small compared to what I had. Salvatore gives five days to ship heroin,” Matias added.

'Great,' I thought… I withdrew a chair from the table and joined Matias. Leaning against the lip, my hands pressed against my head. Another headache was approaching, and the pain was on the horizon. Like how you can smell the earth rising when it has rained, and that homely petrichor fragrance hangs about in the air.

“But… Where am I? What do I do with it?” I asked.

“Nothing… You just put it in smaller bags and sell it…. about an ounce," Matias added. He shifted in his chair, and in doing so, he accidentally kicked his foot off the table leg.

“Yeah, but… Where do I find people to sell it too…”? I said.

Matias reached out, his hand cradling my elbow.

“I’ll go on a few runs with you,” Matias added.

Somehow, that eased my worry a little. My mind was running wild with questions. How do I know who to selling it to? Will I get arrested? What happens if you misallocate some dollars? What will happen to the people who buy heroin? Am I a bad person if I do this? If I say no now… will Salvatore punish me? Would he punish Matias for wasting his time? What if someone doesn't want to pay? How would I do the transaction? Would the junkies give me the cash first? Do I provide the addicts the material first? What happens if I can't sell enough? What if I don't want to do this? Who do I go to for help?

The coffee pot in the background beeped, signalling that the batch was ready to be extracted. I was never one for coffee, but that didn't make me hate it. Now all of a sudden, I considered that the horrible taste would be enough to distract me. So, I got up and started to pour two cups of joe. I offered milk and sugar to Matias, but I drank my coffee straight. I retched the second I took a gulp, but all the same, I swallowed. Momentarily a billion questions floating around in my head disappeared as my taste buds recovered from the assault of the rancid coffee. Matias peered at me funny… seemingly wondering if it was worth saying anything, but he chose to stay quiet. I was kind of glad that he decided to not start asking questions.

It was odd… somehow, we forgot that there was a bag of heroin on the dinner table. We sipped on our coffee slowly, and eventually, we cleaned up. When I finished, Matias grinned. We saw each other without all the drama. It wouldn't last long, but it was enough of a distraction to get away from the misery. It still baffles me how together Matias is and how he got mixed up in all this crap. If Matias could just drop everything he knew about this world… would he? It made me wonder.

The next order of business was to find a place to stash the bag of heroin. First, we divided the entire packet into smaller shrink wrap balls, and then we put it all into a regular plastic bag. We removed the fascia surrounding the shower cubicle in the bathroom and stowed it under the base. When we put the skirting back, I kept freaking out… wondering if Doug would notice the damage. Thankfully he has not. It makes me nervous having that shit in the apartment. I wouldn’t want to get Doug in trouble… he seems like an okay guy. Plus, I don’t want to get in trouble, though that ship has sailed.

Afterward, Matias offered to take me to lunch, but I wasn't feeling up to it. So–get this–he hugged me when he was leaving. I'm not going to lie… it felt pretty good to wrap my arms around his perfect body. Having the heat of someone is oddly satisfying. I should have gone and got bagels with him, but my mood was a bit meh. Besides, my mind was on the drugs that are under the shower stall. I sure hope the shower drain doesn't leak and destroy the stash. Doug had a shower earlier, and when he came out of the bathroom, the place was like a greenhouse with the mist. I was transported to Guatemala. Well… I've heard that it's hot there… not that I've been there, but soooo…

I watched Matias from the landing outside the front door. He got in the elevator and went down. I can't tell if Matias is trying to be helpful. Maybe he is attempting to be obliging–even if he has totally fucked me over. Matias waved up at me from the street, and I relayed the wave from the balcony outside the front door. Watching until he walked out a view, I went back in and sat on the sofa for an hour. It was an excellent time to get lunch, and that's when Doug came home. I thought it was a bit early. I spent more than an hour sitting on the couch. All evening, I was trying to avoid direct eye contact with Doug in case he noticed something out of the ordinary. I hope I deceived him well enough.

I'm heading off to bed. Matias said that he would stop by early tomorrow to sell what is hidden in the bathroom. I'm looking forward to it already… getting rid of it. Let's hope it goes off without a hitch. I could use some luck right about now.

Talk soon,

Kyle