A Forgiving Heart - 14. Chapter 14

Fourteen

“I’m on a boat heading to the mainland,” Himura reported to Raphael. “The cargo cave is secure. Our man activated the steel security doors on the outside. I left him at the beach with incoming reinforcements. He’ll alert our network.”

“Lucian?” Raphael asked, rubbing his brow at the thought of the Pajari brothers.

“He left the moment he realized you were gone,” Himura said. “I’ll take a commercial flight to Sri Lanka. No need to wait for me.”

“Okay, see you at home, Himura.”

Raphael ended the call and finished with the pilot, and Christina.

Once the jet was airborne heading home to Sri Lanka, Raphael forced himself to walk from the cockpit to the lounge. He had avoided Hyun since they boarded the plane. Hyun’s outburst in the middle of the road replayed in his head. It had turned into a crazy loop.

One thing was for sure, Hyun thought Raphael was in love with Talin.

Which was absurd but he could see where the confusion would start, especially after seeing that painting in Gabriel’s old library. Shaking his head, he entered the lounge and stopped when he saw Hyun.

Hyun sat on the couch, a seatbelt across his lap, hugging Raphael’s family portrait. He was asleep, his head resting back on the cushions. Raphael moved closer and stood watching Hyun.

‘I saw the painting in that room.’

Raphael sighed.

Talin’s mural. Talin painted it for Gabriel as a gift. Raphael could not bring himself to cover it. The thought alone felt like a betrayal to his brother. Besides, he liked going up there on bad days to see Gabriel’s face. His twin brother always looked his best with Talin.

Raphael took his family portrait from Hyun. Hyun kept sleeping, which was enough to tell Raphael how tired Hyun was.

He perched on the coffee table and took the time to study the portrait. The woman in his mother’s place had green eyes, just like him and Gabriel. The mother he knew, Estelle Yun, had blue eyes. He always thought he and Gabriel inherited green eyes because of being biracial. Never did it occur to him…the mother he knew might not be his true mother.

What kind of secret was his father keeping? Why would this secret be in the care of Nicolae Petrov? The answers to these two questions worried him.

“You came back,” Hyun’s voice broke into his thoughts, and he glanced up from the family portrait to find Hyun studying him. “You were hiding from me. Is it because of what I said?”

Raphael placed the family portrait on the coffee table beside him.

Hyun sat up, undid the seatbelt, and wiped a hand down his face.

“I was confirming Himura got out okay,” Raphael told him. “He’ll meet us in Sri Lanka.”

“Why are we going to Sri Lanka?” Hyun asked, letting out a small yawn.

“My family home is there,” Raphael said. “You…”

Raphael stopped. His gaze held Hyun’s expectant one.

Was it ever fair to pull innocents into his world?

The Yun Family was not an easy burden to carry. The moment he walked into his family home with Hyun by his side, there would be no turning back. Hyun’s life would change.

Raphael did not want to be responsible for placing Hyun in such a vulnerable position.

Raphael got his cell phone out and dialed Talin’s number.

Talin answered on the first ring.

“Are you alright, Rafa?” Talin asked, he sounded groggy, forced awake by worry.

“I’m fine,” Raphael said. “Did I wake you?”

“I’ve been waiting for your call,” Talin said. “How is it going? Where are you?”

“I never tell you where I am, Talin,” Raphael said, smiling when Talin cursed at him. “But it’s going well, so far.”

Dimitri murmured in the background, his voice muffled to Raphael.

“It’s Rafa. There’s nothing to worry about, Dim, go back to sleep,” Talin said to Dimitri, then there was rustling, and a door closed. “Sorry. Dimitri has an appointment at city hall in the morning.”

“He’s not in trouble with the city, is he?” Raphael asked with a quick grin.

His gaze remained on Hyun who watched him with a slight frown. No doubt trying to figure out what Raphael was up to with the phone call to Talin.

“No, he’s not. He’s renewing permits for the club,” Talin said. “Don’t change the subject on me. What’s wrong, Rafa?”

“I need you to talk to Hyun,” Raphael said, making Hyun’s eyes go wide. “Tell him how Mina is doing in Colston.”

“Rafa, are you sure you’re okay? I’m sure—”

Talin started but Raphael cut him off.

“Here is Hyun, Talin. Please, talk to him.”

Raphael held out the phone to Hyun and watched him take it with a small knowing smile. Raphael got up then, taking the portrait with him, he went to the bedroom. Closing the door, he walked to the neat bed and placed the portrait at the foot end. He got the diaries written by Tatiana and the little book Hyun had gotten from the Black Orchid.

Lining them up, Raphael frowned.

It looked like he had stumbled into a shared family secret.

***

“How are you holding up?” Talin asked Hyun. “Rafa can be exhausting but his heart is in the right place.”

Hyun sighed.

“I know. I’m doing fine, Talin. How is Mina?”

“Asleep,” Talin said, his tone enough to let Hyun know that he would not be waking Mina. “She has a hard time getting decent sleep. I would hate to wake her when she’s so peaceful.”

“You’re right,” Hyun agreed, glad his sister had someone looking out for her.

“I’ll have her call you when she’s awake,” Talin promised. “Raphael will let you talk to her.”

“I know that too,” Hyun said with a smile.

Silence filled the line, and then Talin spoke.

“He’s trying to push you away, isn’t he?”

Hyun felt his heart squeeze at how easy it was for Talin to guess what was on Raphael’s mind.

“How do you do it?” Hyun asked, needing to know how Talin could stay away from someone he cared for. “I mean—”

“Hyun, Rafa has always made his own rules,” Talin said. “Always did even when Gabriel was alive. We let him roam to his heart’s content and were happy when he returned home.”

Hyun frowned.

“Wait, what?” Hyun asked, confused.

“I’m not sure how much Rafa has told you about his personal life.”

“Not much,” Hyun said.

“But you wish he would tell you more,” Talin guessed.

“More than anything,” Hyun said, his desperation hard to hide. “I’m afraid…I’m afraid I won’t see him once this is over.”

“You’re right to be afraid,” Talin agreed. “Rafa is a free soul with obligations I can’t begin to understand. I can only tell you that when he cares for someone, he’ll give everything he has. This is why he wants me to talk to you. He wants me to remind you where your thoughts should be, on Mina, your little sister, Hyun.”

“I haven’t forgotten her even a second,” Hyun said, glaring at the closed bedroom door. “It doesn’t mean I can’t think about him too. I’m great at multi-tasking.”

Talin chuckled.

“Do you like him that much?” Talin asked.

Hyun bit his bottom lip, assessing his heart. What he felt was beyond like. The fear of never seeing Raphael again lingered, and it shook him to be so gone for another person. It felt irrational to want to keep Raphael, yet perfectly sane.

“Hyun, the world Rafa lives in…,”

Talin trailed off.

“Well, lines blur in that world. There is danger and unreasonable expectations. There is pain and cruelty.”

“There are also extraordinary experiences,” Hyun said, thinking of the house in Jeju and the beach where he stood and took a photograph with Raphael. He wanted more with Raphael; he needed more of those moments. “Rafa seems alone and I want to keep him company. Is that bad?”

“No, it’s not.” Talin sighed. “You sound stronger than you looked when you were at my house. I’m Rafa’s conscience. He calls me when he thinks he’s about to do something unforgivable. Hyun, all I can tell you is that Dimitri and I will watch out for your sister. Don’t worry and finish what you need to do. Our door is open to you whenever you come back. Okay?”

“Okay,” Hyun said, eyes closing with defeat because he could not hate Talin. The man was so easy to love, no wonder Raphael protected him. “Um, Talin, I have a question.”

“Ask,” Talin said.

“Uh…”

Hyun bit his bottom lip and stared at the coffee table.

“Does Raphael have a twin?”

Silence filled their call for a minute, and then Talin let out a soft sigh.

“His name was Gabriel,” Talin said, his tone hard to read. “They were identical twins, down to the long hair and green eyes. Give Rafa the phone, Hyun. I’ll yell at him for you.”

Hyun got up fast and raced to the bedroom door. He flung it open and stopped when he found Raphael staring at the items arranged on the bed. Closing the distance between them, he handed the phone to Raphael, and waited.

***

“You’re an idiot.” Talin stated when Raphael took the phone.

“That’s not fair,” Raphael said with a frown. “Talin—”

“Shut up and listen,” Talin said. “You pulled Hyun into your world when you could have easily kicked him out. I asked you to leave him with me but you listened to Hyun. You wanted him. You wanted him to stay with you. Now, it sounds like you two have connected. Otherwise, you wouldn’t call me at two in the morning in a panic. Hyun is getting too close and you want me to pull him back to Colston. So, first, let’s agree you’re an idiot.”

“You’re right.”

“I know,” Talin huffed. “Second, be honest with him. Let him make the decisions he needs to make fully equipped. It’s more dangerous if he is in the dark. You need to be honest with Hyun. He asked about Gabriel, so he must have seen something to make him suspect you have a twin. If it has reached this far, don’t let it fester and share the truth. Gabriel would want you to have a chance at…at a connection.”

“You’re that for me,” Raphael said, turning away from Hyun.

“I am your family, Rafa. I always will be for as long as I live,” Talin said. “But, I am not your lover, which is who Hyun is to you. Lovers are different. They make you stronger if they are right for you. Be brave, Rafa. Give him a chance. If it doesn’t work out…”

“You know what happens to anyone who knows the truth about the family,” Raphael said.

“I’m here, so is Dimitri. Bring him to Colston. We’ll protect him and make sure he protects you too,” Talin promised.

“Talin.”

“Raphael Yun,” Talin said. “Give Hyun a chance. Trust him with Gabe. He might surprise you. I’m going to hang up now. I’ll call later when Mina is awake. Make sure to give Hyun the phone, no matter what. I promised him.”

“You’re so bossy.”

“You’re the one who called me at night,” Talin said. “That should tell you something right there.”

“What?” Raphael asked.

“You are worried about him,” Talin said, then ended the call.

Raphael stared at the phone for a full minute, and then threw it in the middle of the bed. How useless. He looked at Hyun and knew that Talin had not helped his original cause. He had hoped Hyun would give up on him when he remembered Mina waited in Colston.

Instead, Hyun was now looking at him with an expectant look. The expectation in Hyun’s gaze made Raphael want to run out of the room.

“Tell me about Gabriel,” Hyun said, and then pointed at the family portrait where Baek and the unknown woman held two babies. “He’s your twin, isn’t he? Talin said you were identical, down to your long hair and green eyes.”

“Talin,” Raphael cursed under his breath, shaking his head. “He gave me more problems instead of solving them.”

“I’m not a problem,” Hyun said, then insisted. “Where is Gabriel?”

Raphael closed his eyes and pushed the family portrait to the side. He sat on the edge of the bed and reached up to pull off his hair tie. Massaging tension from the top of his head, he took in a deep breath, and stared at the carpet for a full minute.

“Hyun,” Raphael said. “If I tell you about Gabriel, there will be no turning back. You will enter my world as someone who knows too much.”

“I want to enter your world. I don’t want to turn back,” Hyun said, crouching before Raphael. He took Raphael’s right hand and interlocked their fingers.

Raphael met Hyun’s gaze, the urge to tell everything so strong he could not contain it. He couldn’t believe this little rabbit had completely defeated all his defenses.

Ah…he closed his eyes, and let out a sigh.

What was the point of hiding Gabriel again?

He could not remember.

The faster this little rabbit discovered the people close to him suffered like Talin, or died like Gabriel, the better. The truth would send Hyun away.

“Do you remember the painting you saw in the empty room?” Raphael asked, opening his eyes to look at Hyun.

“Mm,” Hyun nodded, dropping his gaze to their clasped hands. “Talin, and you—”

“Not me,” Raphael cut in. “Gabriel, the painting has Gabe as Talin saw him. They were married.”

Hyun tightened his grip on Raphael’s fingers. He looked up to meet Raphael’s gaze, tears giving his brown eyes an interesting sheen.

“The man in the mural is not you?” Hyun asked.

His expression so full of hope, it hurt to see it. “You’re not in love with Talin?”

Raphael shook his head.

“No, he is not me. I don’t know what made you think so. Talin is my little brother.”

“He’s kind, warm and sweet. I thought you loved him in a romantic way. Excuse me for reading affection every time you talk to Talin,” Hyun said, sitting back on his haunches. A small smile played on his lips.

“You would read affection,” Raphael agreed. “I will be honest. A few years ago, I thought about loving Talin that way. He had a rough time dealing with Gabriel’s death. I—”

Raphael broke off and wiped a hand down his face.

“I wanted to help Talin, save him somehow from all the pain. Gabriel loved Talin with all his heart. Talin lived for Gabriel too. When he died, Talin broke. It didn’t help I looked like Gabe, and I would not let him live alone. Talin is the only connection I have to Gabriel. Gabriel also left a letter in his will asking me to take care of Talin, if anything happened to him. I know Talin has Dimitri by his side now, but it changes nothing, Hyun. Talin will always be Gabriel’s beloved. Someone who loved my twin with all his heart. He is my little brother.”

Hyun wiped tears away from his eyes with his free hand, and nodded, looking relieved.

“I have Mina, so I understand you. Please, will you tell me about Gabriel?” Hyun asked. “I want to know about your twin brother.”

Raphael winced and let go of Hyun’s hand.

“Knowing about him might be your end,” Raphael said, picking up the family portrait on the bed behind him. “This portrait tells me there are secrets in my family. Secrets tied to my mother and Nicolae Petrov. Secrets even I don’t know. I’m afraid to tell you, Hyun.”

Hyun frowned, reaching for the portrait.

“What do you mean your mother?” Hyun asked, studying the picture.

Raphael touched the woman in the portrait.

“She’s not the mother I know,” Raphael said, and then tapped on his father’s face. “This is Baek Yun, and the children they hold are me and Gabriel. I don’t know who she is, and why I’ve never seen her before.”

“Okay,” Hyun said, standing up, he took the portrait to the coffee table. “Let’s leave this alone first. I don’t need to know what you don’t know, Rafa. Just…”

Hyun returned to sit next to him on the edge of the bed.

“Now I know you are twins, but who is older, you or Gabriel?” Hyun asked.

“Gabriel,” Raphael answered with a small smile, remembering their endless debates on who came out first.

Baek Yun decided their order when they were six years old. It was a necessity at the time, or they would have fought themselves bloody. Thinking about it now, Raphael could only smile at how long he pouted over Baek telling him Gabriel came out first so he was older.

“I don’t know if it is true, but Gabriel was always more calm, more stable in his thinking than me. He always knew what to do next. I looked up to him. I miss him.”

“Did you go to the same schools?” Hyun asked.

Raphael nodded.

“Always. Gabriel, Talin, and I went to the same schools growing up all the way through high school,” Raphael said. “After high school graduation, Gabriel went to Cornell with Talin. I went home to train to take over the family.”

“I envy Talin,” Hyun said. “You grew up together. He has known you for so long.”

“Yes,” Raphael said. “We have a lot of shared memories, good ones and breaking ones. I watched Gabriel and Talin fall in love, get married, and make a life together. They included me in their plans, and the life they built for us was beautiful, until Gabriel died six years ago.”

“How did Gabriel die?” Hyun asked.

Raphael bit his bottom lip, his gaze dropping to his hands. The memory of Gabriel lying on white tiles bleeding out filling his head. Talin pressing his hands on Gabriel’s wounds, doing his best to stop the bleeding. Blood covered the white tiles too fast, Gabriel’s blood…

It was his fault.

Gabriel died because of him. Talin lost his husband because of him. His mother lost a son she loved, because of him.

Raphael shook his head.

“An assassin arrived at their house, where I stay now. He shot Gabriel three times in the chest,” Raphael said, his voice rough, the memory filling him with familiar pain. “Talin and I, we rushed Gabe to the hospital but all the best doctors could not save him. We buried him a week later and…our lives changed. The utopia in the town manor ended.”

“You blame yourself,” Hyun said, his swift deduction making Raphael meet Hyun’s knowing gaze.

“Yes. I killed my twin brother,” Raphael said, not hiding the pain plaguing him daily. He was not proud of his part in Gabriel’s death. Talking of it hurt, like nails cutting into his guts from the inside. Still, it was important for Hyun to know the truth.

“I was angry with Gabriel when he refused to support my idea to work with a rival named Vlad Petrov,” Raphael continued, his voice rough with the raw pain of the memory. “Gabe and father were against a partnership with Vlad, and I thought it would work out. I was foolish. In any case, I did not watch my bad mood or measure my words when I drunk too much. I complained about Gabriel’s lack of support at a club where our rival’s men spent time. One of them took the initiative to get ahead, and hurried to remove the problem so my deal with Vlad could continue.”

“Remove the problem?” Hyun asked, moving closer to Raphael.

Raphael frowned when Hyun took his left hand and locked their fingers together.

“Yes, shoot Gabe three times on the stairs at our house,” Raphael said, refusing to sugarcoat Gabriel’s death for Hyun. He wanted Hyun to see the worst of his life, the very ugly fate of those who got close to him. “He worked hard to make Talin a widower, and me, the twin who helped murder his brother.”

Hyun held still when Raphael met his gaze. Raphael did not attempt to hide the hate in his soul, and the self-loathing that accompanied him daily.

“If you stay with me, Hyun,” Raphael said. “You might lose Mina. You see, I get the people I love killed. I am responsible for Gabriel’s death,” Raphael said, his voice cold, so cold, it made Hyun flinch.

Good, Raphael thought. Leave me, run back to Colston, and save me from pulling you into a viper pit.

“If you choose to stay, don’t expect any different as my lover, Hyun,” Raphael said. “You will die.”

*~*~*~*

Hyun sucked in a deep breath, his hand tightening on Raphael’s, hoping to find the strength to save Raphael from the pain filling his green eyes.

Hyun could see it now. All this time, he should have known the shadows in the green eyes were born from the absolute tragedy that was Gabriel’s death.

Raphael was lost in a state of crippling grief.

Hyun blinked back tears at the pain Raphael carried. It was no easy feat blaming oneself for someone else’s actions. Someone else’s choice to shoot Gabriel, and turn Raphael into a victim.

Raphael was so lost in his own self-loathing, he did not see himself as a victim too. He firmly believed Talin was the only one to suffer, but Raphael…he thought himself the villain. The one to blame for Gabriel’s death, for Talin’s grief. So he enclosed his heart in a circle of self-blame. Isolating himself, hence the threat for Hyun, and keeping Talin at arm’s length in Colston.

Hyun wished there was an easy way to fix Rafa’s broken heart. Grief was a deadly taskmaster.

“Rafa,” Hyun started to say, but he could not make words come out.

A solid lump settled in his throat, and he broke their gaze, staring at their clasped hands instead. He took in deep breaths to send away the lump of tears, and then when he was in control, he met hard green eyes again.

“Grief stricken souls often hear words like, ‘Sorry for your loss’, ‘You’ll feel better soon’, and ‘This is God’s will’. Having lost our parents, I had to listen to people say those words to Mina and me. They repeated them so much…yet, I felt no sense of comfort. I thought I was broken. In time, as my grief matured, turned fine and I understood it more, I came to understand those phrases are words meant for the people who come to visit you when you’ve had a terrible loss.”

Hyun sighed, remembering the numbness in his heart at his parents’ funeral. Mina was the only reason why he kept standing. Not words of comfort, or the many visitors who came to help him send their parents off to the afterlife.

“The words of comfort the guests say are for them. They need to feel as though they are in some way easing your pain, your grief. In fact, those words do nothing to alleviate the horrendousness of loss which fills you up deep in the soul, suffocating all sense of happiness,” Hyun said. “The hell grief brings grows in your heart, in your thoughts, in your daily life does not end with a few words. This hell may last a moment, or a lifetime. My hell lasted a year. It took me one year before I felt I could say goodbye to my parents, and continue living my life without guilt. For Mina, it took her a year and a half before she came to me for help on how to live for her own dreams again.”

Hyun took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly happy to give Raphael a glimpse into his sad past. His parents were important to him, to Mina. Leaving them in Seoul was hard. Yet, they survived the grief together, and moved on to live in New York, build lives of their own. He was even able to create a program worthy of money, even though it was now a source of stress.

Still, without the program on his thumb drive, he would not have gotten to meet Raphael. Peering into closed off green eyes, he wondered how he could help Raphael heal, and maybe get him to choose to walk out of the hell he clung to daily.

Falling for this prince of the underworld was not going to be easy. It was too late to walk away now. Hyun blamed Raphael’s gorgeous long hair. It was hard to resist.

Hyun smiled.

“Rafa, the hell your grief has created in your heart continues to hurt you six years later. There are no words to use to convince you to step out. So, I won’t give you empty words of comfort.”

Raphael tried to pull his hands out of Hyun’s hold, but Hyun would not let him go, leaning in closer. He squeezed Raphael’s hand tight, and leaned in to press a kiss on Raphael’s left cheek, then Raphael’s right cheek when Raphael shifted to face him with an annoyed frown.

“I will tell you three facts I see as the outsider you think me. One, you did not hold the gun that shot your twin brother. Someone else did, and I hope you found him and made him pay,” Hyun said. “Two, Talin has found happiness again, despite the tragedy you both faced. I do not know Gabriel, but if I were in his place, I would want to see Talin happy again. As do you.”

Raphael started to look away, and Hyun pressed their lips together in a soft, simple kiss. His lips caressing the tough line of Raphael’s lips, coaxing for a response. He got a small kiss in return, and Hyun leaned back so that he could look into Raphael’s closed off expression.

“Three, you refuse to forgive yourself for speaking out of hand in a club while you were drunk,” Hyun said. “I will do it for you, Raphael Yun. I forgive you on behalf of Gabriel. You did not know a mad man would take your words out of context. You did not want this mad man to walk in to Gabriel’s home and shoot him in cold blood. You lost a twin brother.”

Hyun kissed Raphael’s brow and continued.

“I give you permission to cry for the unimaginable loss of one such as him. After Gabriel’s death, you have done your best to take care of Talin for your brother, and kept him safe. Safe enough to find happiness again. Your love for Gabriel shines true. The pain of losing a brother, which you carry with you often, is enough punishment to suffer, Rafa. You do not need to add on blame. If I was Gabriel, this is what I would tell you, ‘I forgive you. I’m proud of the good job you’ve done living on without me. Thank you for taking care of Talin. Be happy, Rafa’.”

Raphael’s green eyes filled with tears, and when he blinked, the tears slid down his cheeks, so he closed his eyes.

Hyun let go of Raphael’s hands, and pulled Raphael into his arms. He too closed his eyes when Raphael wrapped tight arms around him and buried his face into Hyun’s chest. A rip of pain slashed his heart when Raphael broke down into harsh raw sobs.

Hyun did his best to soothe Raphael, stroking gentle fingers through soft dark strands of hair. Patting Raphael’s back in between, Hyun repeated words he knew Raphael wished to hear from Gabriel.

“I forgive you, Rafa,” Hyun murmured. “You’ve done well taking care of Talin and yourself all these years. Be happy.”

*~*~*~*~*