Dark Star - 6. Chapter 6

I'm surprised to find both Mom and Dad are home. Dad comes out of the office to greet me and ask about my day.

"I know that conference, of course," he says. "A few years back, they asked me to give a talk about the importance of a strong middle class in developed societies, but I had to turn it down. Some speakers they got on board that year… an absolute disgrace, son."

"So, should I say no?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"Absolutely not. I want you to go for it! These were different times, son. At that point in my career, I didn't have to prove anything. I'd spoken and got applauded by crowds ten times bigger. That's right, they needed me more than I needed them, haha! You, you still have to make a name for yourself. Gain experience. Just be consistent, and you will be cherry-picking your gigs soon enough."

"Okay, Dad."

He thinks I'm a fool. I was maybe only ten years old, but I remember well. Dad practically begged every conference in the state to host him and his little talk that he had worked on every evening for weeks. I remember him complaining to Mom that they told him, "it gave off elitist vibes and didn't match the ethics standards underlying the moral backbone shared by the scientific community" or something like this. My understanding was very limited then, but it stuck with me, partially because Dad wouldn't shut up about it until Christmas. As I grew up, it started making perfect sense.

Dad pats me on the back as we walk to the main room. "So, is it official? Can I tell everyone at work? We should promote it on the town level. It's a big thing, after all."

"Not yet. Mr. Hudson only suggested it, but he said we have a shot.”

“So, what’s stopping you?”

“Rufus doesn’t want to do it. He’s crowd-shy.”

“Nonsense. Make him do it. Bully him into it if you have to. He’ll be thanking you later.”

“I'm working on it," I say. The thought of forcing Rufus to do it against his own will makes me wanna puke, but so does the prospect of arguing with my dad.

We spend the evening in the living room. TV is running in the background while everyone's busy on their electronic devices. I consider texting Rufus, but it's him who texts me first.

"wyd :p"

"Nothing, just hanging out."

"I had a great day. Sorry if I didn't show it."

"Don't worry, Roofus, you did."

"Don't call me that. No nicknames allowed!"

"Rufio."

"That's it. I'm blocking you."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"Nuh huh."

"Yah huh."

We continue the silly talk for another five minutes, and I can't help but grin. I can't believe we vibe so much. He was supposed to be a dull nerd. I close my eyes and pretend he's cuddled next to me. Shit, I'm going mental.

After a while, he says goodnight, and we both express hope to see each other at school. I put the phone away and look at the TV screen without actually watching. I'm so lucky!

Shortly, Dad says goodnight. He has to wake up at 4 am and travel to a city 150 miles away. After he's gone, Mom turns to me.

"Is she pretty?" she asks with a weird smile.

I look back at her and grimace. "What do you mean?" She just keeps giving me the look, and I roll my eyes. "Mom!"

She shrugs. "I just can't wait to meet her."

Great. I'm not the master of subtlety, obviously. I have to work on that. Frankly, I won't be able to fool Mom in a million years, but one can always try.

In bed, I pleasure myself thinking about Rufus and everything we may do together soon. How am I going to focus on anything else until it happens? Now, the only thing left is - don't mess it up.

***

The next day, science is our first class, and Mr. Hudson asks me and Rufus to stay after the bell.

"So boys, I got in touch with the conference hosts, and they still have a spot left in the youth segment. They would love to review your application. Rufus, did you have time to think about it? Maybe Tyler managed to talk sense into you," he finishes with a wink.

Rufus smiles awkwardly. "Yes, we talked about it. Tyler was very convincing, I'll give him that. But still, I decided to pass. I love science, and I'd love nothing more than to do it for a living, but my place is in a research room or a lab, not on the scene. I'm sure Tyler will do just as well with someone else. It's only about learning the script, after all."

My heart slowly sinks when I hear it. It was a mistake to tell the boys that the conference was a go. Why do these little white lies always spiral out of control? Now I must do what I should've done from the start - tell the truth. But this time, it's gonna be way harder. Good job, Ty.

Unless - I bet all my money on the last-resort option.

"Mr. Hudson. I was thinking about it too," I start, and Rufus looks at me curiously. "I don't want to do it without Rufus. We had developed a deep connection when working on that project, and now doing it with someone else, or even alone, would feel wrong."

"Tyler!" Rufus exclaims.

Mr. Hudson fixes his glasses, clearly not happy. "Boys, I will respect your decision, whatever it should be, but first, I need to make sure you understand the scale of the opportunity you are about to miss. Hosting a panel at a conference like that is a big honor. It's usually not possible without connections or paying a substantial fee. Many kids your age would kill to be in your shoes."

Rufus frowns and looks down. Is it about the guilt-trip of the unfortunate metaphor?

"You're right, Mr. Hudson," I come to his rescue. "And these kids should get that chance, not us. I know it’s a great opportunity, but you can't pursue your dreams at other people's expense," I say, wondering how much my dad speaks through me right now. "I'm sure there will be another chance for us to do something without getting out of our comfort zone too much."

Mr. Hudson sighs. "It's disappointing, boys, but I promised you I'd respect your decisions."

He goes on to tell us about other upcoming activities we might be interested in, but I just look at Rufus, who seems miles away.

"Why did you do that?" he asks me reproachfully when we leave the class.

I shrug. "I meant it. I don't wanna do it without you. I don't even want to be a scientist or a speaker. I'd rather do something else in my free time."

"So it's my fault that you're not doing this," he accuses me.

"Rufus, stop it. Why would I blame you? You don't owe me anything. It's just that I don't care much if it's not with you."

"Great. Now I feel terrible."

"Then come here," I spread my arms.

He looks around. There are a few kids further down the corridor, but they don't look our way.

"Come on, you'll feel less terrible," I beckon him invitingly.

He seems to analyze it for a few seconds before leaning into my arms.

"Uh, that's nice," I whisper when Rufus wraps his arms around my back. He nestles his head into my neck and snorts. "What?" I ask.

"Sorry, I think I'm a cuddles person," he chuckles. “It feels so good…”

"See? It's a great stress relief activity," I say, gently caressing the back of his head.

After a long moment, we pull apart, and Rufus wipes his teary eyes.

"Wow, I got carried away," he grins. Damn, he's beautiful when he really lets himself smile. We've had classes together for a couple of years, but I never saw him smile like that, with his happy eyes shining from excitement. And I earned that smile myself.

Suddenly, I hear noise and see Clyde standing outside the toilet door and looking at us. How long has he been here? How much has he seen? His face doesn't betray any feelings, and he turns away to go for the stairs. Only a few days ago, I would freak out and run out of state.

"Did he see us?" Rufus asks as he disappears.

"I don't care."

It's finally Friday. In the evening, we play basketball with Dwight, Jim, Clyde, and a few other boys from the school. I'm still coming to terms with the irreversible changes to my brain, but I'm having one of the best games of my life. Like a beast that has been unleashed and runs free in the woods. My moves are bold and confident. It feels good.

"Good game," Dwight tells me as we hit the showers after destroying the other team. "If we all get head from Rufus before every game, we stand a chance in the junior league."

"Sorry, not sharing," I comment, not about to get provoked. I strip down without hesitation and unleash a torrent of cool water. Fuck, I love that feeling after a game.

"Come on, dude, sharing is caring," Dwight says and does the same.

"Stale," I sneer. Looks like they've run out of good jokes earlier than expected.

"Come on, guys, help me out here," Dwight urges, but Clyde and Jim seem busy lathering their chests and looking in a different direction. "Ah, fuck off!" Dwight throws a soap bar at me with frustration, but I dodge and it harmlessly bounces off the wall.

Twenty minutes later, I'm slowly walking home, letting the cool evening air dry my wet hair when I get a message from Rufus. My heart grows as I read it.

"About leaving our comfort zones… how about I do the conference with you… and you tell your parents about us?"

My day can't get any better.

***

"He looks like he's burning up. Do you think he's sick?" Dad asks Mom. We sit in the living room and watch TV, as we do most evenings when I'm not playing League with the guys.

"He is."

They have this annoying habit of talking about me like I'm not in the room, but today I don't care.

"What are you going to do about it?" he asks.

"Nothing. The thing will blow over, trust me."

"I trust you on this, honey. You haven't been wrong about this stuff yet!"

Again, Dad goes to bed earlier, and from the corner of my eye, I see Mom has this uncanny smile on her face. Even though she's not looking at me, it feels like an itch because I know well that the smile is meant for me.

"What's so funny?" I ask her.

"Your father, of course. He's so clueless. Sometimes he forgets that he was young, too."

"Yeah," I chuckle nervously, getting ready for the worst. "Mom?"

"What is it?"

"Uhh, remember Rufus, right?"

"Yes?" The little question in her voice tells me she already doesn't like where it's going.

"Well, we've been spending a lot of time together lately, and we've become close."

"How close?" she asks coldly, not to know because she already does, but to hear it from me.

"Very close. I mean, we haven't done much yet…"

Uh, it’s bad. She's staring at the TV screen, looking like a ticking bomb. She's never been one to scream. When angry, she becomes a black hole that sucks all sound and emotion from the house. My stomach tightens.

Then, without a word, she downs the rest of her wine and stands up without looking at me. "I'm not going to tell your father. Pray to god that he doesn't figure it out for himself." She then walks out of the room but stops in the doorway. "And anyway, it better be a joke," she adds quietly and leaves me there.

***

I lay on my bed for a long time, unable to fall asleep. I don't know why, but I thought Mom would be more accepting. She always was the one to defend me when Dad asked for my head on a silver platter. "Boys will be boys," she'd remind him and convince him to let me go as long as my grades were fine. Looks like dating a boy isn't the kind of trouble she'd approve of. How do I go from here? I'm not ready to go homeless yet.

I check the time on my phone. Almost midnight. I hesitate only for a moment and text Rufus.

"Asleep yet?"

The answer arrives fairly quickly. "No. Just came back home from Dale's."

"You had fun?" I ask.

"We played some DnD," he writes. "Yes, I had fun ;)"

"Cool. I was thinking about you," I send before I can think of how lame it sounds.

"You should go to sleep," Rufus replies. "Want to hang out tomorrow?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing. It's going to be clear skies tomorrow. How about we play around with my telescope tomorrow? For real this time ;)"

"Sounds good!" He texts me, and I smile to myself. "Now, goodnight, don't stay up too late."

"You too, Rufus."

At breakfast, I tell my parents that Rufus will be coming over. Dad is enthusiastic, but Mom's lips are pursed tight, showing every wrinkle around her mouth. Sometimes I'm thankful Dad is utterly blind to little things like that. I'm not saying he's stupid. He's good at reading people but only based on what they say. Noticing subtext is beyond him. Also he’d rather believe that I’m a reptile alien spy than bisexual.

Dad goes out, promising Mom to be back for lunch, and leaves us alone. I get a text from Jim asking me to hang out, but I tell him I'm busy. I start doing my Saturday chores before Mom can even mention them. I pass her a few times while throwing out garbage, vacuuming, and doing my laundry, but it’s like I’m invisible. I know what it means. She’s going to pretend our talk yesterday didn’t happen and continue to live in denial. I can see from her tense facial muscles that it costs her a lot of willpower to suppress it, but that's what she chooses to do.

I double-check that all my chores are done before talking to her. I pick the moment right after her second coffee. The problem is, I don't know what to say.

"Mom…" I start. She is sitting in an armchair and solving a crossword puzzle.

"Yes?" Her voice is entirely emotionless.

"I finished my chores. Do you need anything else done?"

"No, not really, Tyler."

I swallow. She doesn't even look up from her pastime.

"I'm gonna be in my room before Rufus comes over."

Mom ignores that completely, thinking very hard about her crossword. I know I can't leave it like that.

"Rufus is going to be over at six," I say.

She finally looks up at me, but she's just irritated. "I can hear you. Do you need anything else? I'm busy, as you can see."

Yeah, right. Mom always drops whatever she's doing, including her stupid crosswords, if I want to talk to her. Why the sudden change? I have a guess.

"That's all, Mom," I say and go to my room.

I'm really not in the mood for anything, so I kill time playing games and watching Netflix. An hour before Rufus is supposed to come, I take a bath and do all I can to look presentable. I stand in front of my mirror, happy with what I see. If I could only turn that frown upside down. I'm not looking forward to dinner anymore. It's going to be awkward at best and disastrous at worst. I decide against telling Rufus anything. It would only make things worse if he had to stress out over something beyond his control.

When the bell rings, I trot down the stairs, but Dad beats me to it and lets Rufus in.

"Come in, Rufus. Tyler told me all about the conference. I'm really proud of you both. Really proud!"

Dad takes over my guest and entertains him with unrelated stories from his life. At least he's so absorbed with himself that he doesn't notice Rufus and I exchanging knowing smiles and even a few winks. Mom is busy with dinner and doesn't even come out to say hello.

When we finally sit down to eat, I'm way more relaxed. Dad makes a lot of noise but it’s better than awkward silence. Mom only listens with this slight smile that I know isn't genuine.

"The food is delicious, Mrs. Webb," Rufus compliments.

"Thank you, Rufus. Do you cook?"

"No, ma'am."

"Then you better make sure your future wife does. You can only eat frozen pizza for so long," she lets out a little chuckle, but it's as joyful as a hornet nest on fire.

Rufus smiles awkwardly and looks at me for help, but Dad is first.

"Do you even doubt it?" he goes, "just look at him. The kid should be a model. Damn, if only I was twenty years younger!"

Except for Mom, we all laugh, each for different reasons. I then raise my eyebrows and give Rufus my best comforting smile.

"We better go upstairs. The forecast said it might get cloudy later."

My excuse isn't contested, and Mom says she'll handle the dishes, so we rush upstairs.

"Phew," I jump on my bed, exhaling with relief. "Nice little fam, huh?"

"You didn't tell them yet," he says, looking at me sadly.

I sit up and exclaim, "I did! I mean, I told Mom. I thought it would be easier to tell them separately."

"So what did she mean by me finding a wife?"

"Fuck… here's the thing. She didn't take it well," I say and summarize my short exchange with her.

"Oh god," Rufus whispers, sitting down next to me. "Does she hope to make us straight by saying things like this?"

"It's worse," I say. "I think she's doing it to remind me that if we keep up this gay nonsense, she'll tell my dad, and then he'll kick me out of the house."

"Would he?"

"I don't know. It's hard to read him sometimes. He likes to go on and on about the LGBT agenda and its bad influence on teens. How much of it is for publicity, and how much is what he really believes in? I don't know. You heard him telling that gay joke at the table."

"It gave me creeps. Sorry."

"I know, right? So I thought if I told Mom, she would protect me if Dad got angry. But I miscalculated."

"She's not happy with her only son having a boyfriend."

"Could be… and now, if I don't get her on my side, I don't know how I can even start talking to Dad."

At that moment, the door opens, and Mom comes in carrying a laundry basket. I almost jump because we're sitting closer together than we probably should.

"Your laundry is dry," she says and puts the basket by the bed. She looks at us and puts her arms akimbo. "Weren't you boys supposed to be using the telescope? You know, before the clouds come in?" She doesn't wait for me to answer and goes for the door. "Leave it open, so you can hear me if I need you," she says, and in a moment, we hear her footsteps on the staircase.

We don't move or hardly breathe until she's gone.

"Dude…" Rufus whispers when the coast is clear.

"See? I told you. She never does that - the door thing. She's gonna bully me until I get married and prove to her it was all a joke."

I say the last thing almost too loud. I used to be sorry for Rufus for having a broken family with a history of a fucking murder, but now I'm starting to think I should be jealous.

The advantage of keeping the open door is that we can hear well if someone comes upstairs. Rufus inches closer to me and grabs my hand. I look up at him with a sad smile.

"It's fucked, I know," I say and squeeze his hand. "You should probably quit now before it blows out of proportion."

Rufus smiles at me shyly, then surprises me by leaning in and giving me a quick peck on the mouth. I flush with excitement. It's almost like an electric shock and, in a way, feels more intense than what we did in Dad's office the other day.

"What was that for?" I ask.

"I'm not quitting so easily."

"I hope you don't regret it," I say and stand up to get the telescope ready. "Now, come on, let's see what the neighbors are up to!"