Jacob's Advocate - 5. Chapter 5 - That First Day

I woke up the next day, feeling like I had the night before, totally elated. The night before at the school board meeting had been a total success. The whole aftermath from the day I woke up in the hospital that first time, to last night had surpassed all of my expectations.

I gave my body a long stretch as I lay on my back, my eyes shifted to the soft mass of heat that radiated next to me. Jacob was still asleep, reacting to my stretch, the arm he had draped across my chest flexed and tightened. He had stayed in the same position for most of the night, laying against my side with his head on my shoulder, his leg wrapped around mine comfortably holding me in place. I shifted so I could nuzzle my lips and nose against the top of his head. Closing my eyes I just breathed in his scent.

I had asked my parents and Diane if I could stay over with Jacob at their house and they readily agreed. I could see the excitement in Jacob’s eyes explode as I suggested it, we of course hadn’t done anything sexual yet nor had we had any major conversations about ‘us’ yet, despite the fact everyone had seen us kiss in the parking lot. I did end up riding home with my parents, so I could pack an overnight bag, my mom and dad did one one even better when I was ready to leave as my dad tossed me my keys. I hadn’t driven since the day of the incident because they wanted to make sure I hadn’t had any more issues with my knee even though I didn’t even use it to drive.

When I arrived at back at Jacob’s, the front door swung open before I had a chance to knock and he pulled me inside before I could put my hand down. His happiness that night could not be ignored and it had been infectious, and that was the old Jacob I had known. Diane had ordered a pizza which was delivered not long after I arrived so we spent dinner just catching up and talking like we used too.

I had missed Dee as much as Jacob, she had this inner strength in her that was hard to describe. I couldn’t tell you if it had been born out of her divorce with Jacob’s dad, or if it was a quality she had always had but it was clear her heart had always been Team Jacob, and always would be. It didn’t take long for laughter to echo around the kitchen table to kill any remaining tension between us and it warmed my heart to see that sparkle in her eyes re-ignite.

“What about that time you tried to make brownies?” Dee asked.

“That was SO not my fault mom!” Jacob squealed.

“Not your fault? Jacob the mix was on fire, I’ve never seen batter burn like that before, there were flames coming out of it!” Dee recalled as she shook a finger at her son, she turned to look at me, “I hope you can cook because this little arsonist can’t.”

I put my hands up and nodded my head, “trust me Dee I got this.”

“I feel like popcorn and a movie, what do you say boys?” She asked as she went around picking up dishes.

“That sounds like a good idea, maybe some hot chocolate?” I asked.

“I’ll do it!” Jacob said as he jumped out of his chair.

“NO!” Both me and Dee shouted.

“I’ll do it. Jacob take the empty pizza boxes out to the can in the garage. Tyler if you wouldn’t mind getting the fireplace in the living room going. I’ll get the drinks and popcorn.” Dee said as she loaded plates into the dishwasher.

Jacob disappeared into the garage, as I lit the gas fire place. We didn’t need a roaring fire, just something to keep the edge off. I figured Dee would want her favorite chair so I opted for the end of the couch that had the ottoman in front of it and made myself comfortable. I watched the flames from the fire as they danced in place just letting my mind wander as I felt the heat radiate into the room.

Usually when I’m lost in a thought, I tend to space out, which I must have done because when I broke free of of it Jacob was standing towards the entrance to the living room, casually rubbing his elbows as he looked at me.

“What?” I asked, smiling a little up at him.

“Nothing,” he replied.

“You’re looking at me funny.” I said softly.

“Just remembering, I used to look at you like this a lot. You know when you weren’t paying attention.”

“I know.”

“You did?” He asked raising an eyebrow.

“I always noticed when you looked at me Jake. I could always feel it.” I said still as softly as before. My smile faltered a little as I remembered how he looked at me when we weren’t speaking, “especially when we weren’t… You know talking.” I said quickly.

Jacob’s smile disappeared as he looked away quickly, his cheeks flushing a little and not in a good way. “Ty I know you’ve said you’ve forgiven me, but it’s okay to tell me how you felt during some of this.” He said quietly as he came closer standing at the edge of the couch.

“I’m not gonna lie Jake, the way you looked at me with anger, did hurt. I noticed every single time, even when you thought I didn’t know you where there.” I wiped a tear away from my eye quickly before it had a chance to fall. “I just hope I don’t ever do anything again that makes you look at me like that again.” I said meekly.

“Ty, no.” He said simply as he flopped down next to me, sliding close to share the ottoman with me. “I was a complete jerk, I was mad and alone.”

“Because of m--”, his hand covered my mouth before I could say it.

“Shh, I said talk not express guilt. We both made mistakes we regret, and we acknowledge it right? Let’s not wallow in despair over something we can’t go back and undo. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about how you felt though. Gavin told me, during my last appointment that we can have constructive conversations, and feel guilty, but the trick is to not allow the guilt to over power you, just like it was about to do to you.” Jake said gently with wisdom way beyond his years.

I nodded in agreement but still felt he needed to hear what I was trying to say, and he smiled at me pulling me closer to peck the side of my head with his lips. Dee appeared soon with a tray loaded with popcorn hot chocolate and some bottles of water. We ended up on a Diane Keaton rom-com that Dee hadn’t seen yet and Jacob remained cuddled at my side through the whole movie.

A shift in the form beside me brought me back into the present, the morning after as Jacob grinding against me. I could feel his hardness pressing my hip and smiled as a small gasp came from his lips as he slept. He ground his hardness against me again as his breathing changed, his grip tightening around me.

I watched intently as my smile grew into a knowing grin. We still hadn’t done anything with each other except cuddle and kiss and we hadn’t talked about it.

I was curious though, my hand shifted and I gently poised my thumb and rubbed the tip through his boxers with my thumb. There was definite moisture forming, and I rubbed a little harder in what I hoped would be the most sensitive spot. Jacob ground against me again and let out a soft moan as his breathing quickened.

I stayed quiet and bit my lip then went in for the attack out right gripping the tip and forcing the roughness of his boxers rub against it, immediately he shuddered and ground against me urgently and his eyes shot open as the orgasm took over. I placed my lips over his and kissed him deeply flicking my tongue into his mouth as he came in his boxers.

At first he was mortified as he realized what happened but quickly fell into my lips as he shuddered and moaned. He pulled back as he was released from the grips of the orgasmic high.

“Good morning,” I said with a giggle.

“Uh, good morning.” He replied, “I don’t… I uh didn’t, mean to do that.”

He was embarrassed. I pecked the tip of his nose, “I hope I was in whatever dream you where having,.” I said grinning at him.

“Oh my God, Tyler. You were and uh you where great.” He said with a blush.

“Mmmm.” I hummed in the most seductive tone I could as I kissed him again. “You should take a shower Mr. Sticky.”

Jacob blushed a deep crimson and tried to hide his face against me, “I can’t believe I did that.”

“Well, it’s kind of my fault too.” I chuckled. “You can totally blame me for it, I did sorta help it along.”

“I’m not gonna lie, I enjoyed it.” He said as his face came out of hiding. “Uh I need that shower. I’ll be right back.” He quickly got up, after grabbing a clean pair of boxers he disappeared in the hall.

I chuckled and pulled out my phone, and tapped the text notification from an unread message from Amanda, that read “how was last night?”

I looked at my hand which had some remnants of Jacobs essence that leaked through his boxers and licked it without thought.

“Salty, but sweet.” I replied in the text. She didn’t text back.

Later that morning we met the guys at the park since this was the one rare Saturday the sun decided to shine and actually warm things up. Jacob and I were sitting on a picnic table near the open field people used to play football as Amanda, Matt and Travis approached.

Amanda stopped directly in front of me with an almost too serious expression on her face, then pulled a bag of yogurt covered pretzels which where my absolute favorite, and tossed it in my lap.

I looked down then back up curiously, “what’s this?” I asked.

“Salty, but sweet,” she replied as she lightly slugged my shoulder, then climbed on the table and sat beside me.

Jacob’s eyes darted back at me and he turned red in almost an instant. I shied my gaze away from Amanda and looked down and Travis started busting out laughing, totally understanding what just happened.

“I don’t get it.” Matt said looking confused.

“You will when you think about it for a while!” Travis said as he slapped Matt on the back.

Matt’s eyes went wide with recognition and his mouth formed that “Oh” expression, which sent Travis into another round of hysterics. Jacob turned even redder.

“Okay enough of that now.” Amanda said turning to Jacob, “before Jacob dies of embarrassment.”

Jacob had all of Travis’s sympathy and gave him a pat on the back. “Agreed.”

Matt set the bag he had slung around his shoulder onto the ground and pulled a football from it, “Jacob, think you can still catch one of these?” Matt asked with a gleam in his eye.

“Uh of course.” Jacob said getting up.

“Then lets go!” Travis yelled.

I moved to join them and Amanda’s hand reached out and grabbed mine.

“Where do you think your going?” She asked pointedly.

“To toss the ball around? I did play last year ya know.” I said smirking.

“And your knee?”

“It feels fine, I won’t over do it.” I promised.

“First sign, you’re benched.” She replied and I nodded.

Amanda stayed seated but didn’t take her eyes off me. It actually felt great to be with Matt, Travis and Jacob again. Me and Jacob where mainly receivers, no pun intended because we had good coordination to catch the ball and run with it. Jacob had leg muscle that meant he could leap to catch it when needed, but out of both of us I was generally faster in an all out sprint than he was, except for today because I wasn’t even going to attempt a light jog for my knees sake.

That was the plan anyway, which didn’t last long. Matt had thrown this rather remarkable long pass that sent both of us scrambling, and right when it looked like the ball was about to slip into my grip, Amanda yelled ‘look out!’ just as I slammed into another body.

As we went down, I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and flip me around so I landed on what I had hit instead of the ground.

“Oh hi Riley..” I said as I tried to catch my breath. I stood up and extended a hand so Riley Jameson, a fellow class mate and member of the football team and helped him to his feet just as Travis and Jacob came running up.

“That,” Riley started as he dusted himself free of grass, “was totally my fault. I saw a ball in the air and couldn’t help myself.”

He shook all his limbs to make sure everything was working then gave me a small smile. “Sorry Tyler, nice tackle though!” He commented brightly.

He laughed and I patted him on the shoulder.

“So uh, I’m guessing everything is okay with… You know.” Riley said glancing between me and Jacob.

“Riley,” I said still catching my breath. “It’s a long story that eventually you’ll get told so just believe me when I say everything is fine and it’s like it didn’t happen alright?”

Riley got the hint and nodded, “oh I kind of figured that, I just wanted to make sure and I’m glad actually, it means I don’t have to pick sides.” He said with a grin. “Jacob, it’s good to see you again, I missed you man.”

Jacob smiled and nodded, “you too Riley.”

“Riley if you want you can take my spot, no doubt Amanda’s going to bench me. The knee is still an issue.” I said as I handed him the football.

“You got it!”

The game quickly went from just tossing the ball around to full on tag football, that was of course way rougher than it should have been. Amanda just shook her head as Riley managed a sack on Matt, muttering ‘men.’

I sat with my bag of pretzels and gave Amanda a funny look as I ate one.

“This makes me happy.” I said watching the four play.

“How so?” She asked.

“It gives me hope about school on Monday.” I explained absently. “I doubt everyone else will drop it like Riley did but it gives me hope some will.”

“Some will Tyler, some won’t.”

“I know.” I said, “I’m just worried about the ones who won’t.”

The rest of the weekend was great. My parents took everyone, including Dee out to eat at a pretty decent restaurant on Saturday night as a celebration of things going back to normal which we all needed. I did end up sleeping at Jacob’s again on Saturday night, simply because I enjoyed that soft intimacy and I know Jacob did as well. There wasn’t a repeat of the prior mornings finale, but that didn’t make it any less special. I found myself liking being held, and I loved being held by Jacob.

I would of course be spending my nights at home with family during the school week, but my parents understood and agreed to let me have the weekends but did make a point that we would do stuff as a family but with Jacob included as well. Dee and my parents went above and beyond what anyone would expect for me and Jacob in that regard. No awkward conversations, no hesitation, just full and immediate acceptance and support, it’s what we needed to thrive.

Monday morning I took Jacob to school myself. He was oddly silent for most of the trip and I could understand why, this was one of the times I didn’t push him to talk. We arrived and I parked in my usual spot at the far end of the lot near the athletics building without thinking about it and I noticed Jacob start to get a little jittery as we walked too the main building.

“Tyler.” Jacob said stopping suddenly.

I turned around and looked at him curiously and frowned for a moment before my eyes widened in realization of where we were. Jacob stared in the distance towards the wall behind the dumpster as his breathing increased.

“Jacob it’s okay.” I tried. This was the first time Jacob had been in this location since the incident and it almost totally slipped my mind. He looked at me unsure of how to continue.

“Jacob come here.” I said grabbing his hand. I pulled him almost unwillingly to that spot hidden out of view, and the closer we got the more jittery he because. His eyes darted at the ground then at me then at the ground as no doubt the memory replayed in his head.

“Jake it’s okay.” I said as soothingly as I could, keeping my face clear of any negative emotions. “Look at me, I’m fine.” I grabbed his hand and placed it on my heart so he could feel the steady regular beats.

“I just.. I…”

I cut him off by wrapping my arms around him and held him close, “Jake, relax shh. Just relax for me please? It’s okay. I’m fine. We’re fine.” I stroked my hand through his hair and he let out of a breath and slowly started coming down from the panic he felt earlier.

“Okay.” He said out loud, “okay.”

“You good then?” I looked at him with a tint of concern as I had not expected this reaction although I should have known better. It was the look he gave me that shook me the most. I saw in his eyes in that moment, regret, guilt, and they begged for forgiveness not from me, but from himself. He wasn’t there yet and he expressed that direct to me without words and I nodded in understanding.

I gently kissed his forehead and nuzzled my cheek against his. After a few moments I pulled away gently and offered him a wry smile to try to cheer him up. Thankfully it worked he at least attempted to smile before I guided him away from that spot of despair and back into the building. I made a mental note to make sure he understood to talk to Gavin about this during his next session so he could get the help he needed with it.

I escorted Jacob to the office to check in with Doctor Yo, and I’m sure with Davis and Jones as well because I didn’t see him again until second period which was a class we shared. He did give me a nod and a small smile when he came in so I would know that so far the day was going well since I wouldn’t see him again till lunch.

I met up with Matt and Travis at our usual spot in the cafeteria and I still hadn’t seen Jacob since second period, I shook off the odd feeling as the two filled me in on gossip.

“Everyone knows Jacob is back, in fact they knew before he showed up this morning.” Matt commented as he sipped from a water bottle.

“That’s to be expected, nothing travels faster than the speed of light, then High School gossip,” I said flatly, I looked up at Matt, then Travis as I asked. “Any indication of problems?”

Travis shook his head, “it didn’t seem like it but there was a conversation going on that quickly shut down when me and Matt got there.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Preston Foster,” Matt commented. He was the current captain and quarter back of the junior varsity team. “Whatever they where talking about it seems they didn’t want me and Travis to hear it but other than that nothing was really said out loud.”

That made me frown, the guys on the team where good guys that generally didn’t give anybody grief. But they probably had an issue with Jacob and the way he acted when he got suspended from the team originally for hitting Matt that day the fight happened.

My thoughts where interrupted when my phone buzzed a couple of notifications in a row, I glanced at the lock screen, one was a snap chat message from Riley, the other an i-message from Amanda. There was just enough of the messages content visible on the lock screen for me to read the what and where.

“Guys, Jacob!” I said as I sprinted from my seat.

Travis and Matt didn’t have time to ask, nor did they try as they took off after me as I ran down the corridor and busted through the main building exit, across the court yard to towards the science annex. I tore through those doors and immediately headed down the stairs towards the sub level and as soon as I reached the bottom step I was met with a group of people collecting in the hallway.

In the middle on one side was Jacob, Riley, and Amanda, on the other was Preston Foster and what looked like the entire JV football team’s first string, minus Matt and Travis. I tore through the group without injuring someone or myself and skidded to a stop in front of Jacob, who looked uninjured but with a look of utter resignation on his face.

“What the hell is going on here?!” Matt’s voice bellowed through the confusion as he and Travis stood on either side of Jacob and me.

“Seriously? You’re gonna protect this little shit stain after what happened?” Preston spat. There was fire in his eyes and he was ready for a fight.

“Preston, don’t make us fight you or the guys, we don’t want to but we will if we have too.” Matt said with conviction as his eyes challenged the others. Travis immediately shifted his stance.

“After everything he did?!” Preston yelled, “He needs his ass beat!”

“No he doesn’t.” I challenged.

“Move Tyler. He’s going to get what he deserves.” Preston spat as he moved forward.

“NOBODY DESERVES TO GET BEAT LIKE I DID!” I roared with passion.

Everyone took a step back.

“Pres,” I said calmly but defiantly, “we’re friends. We’re friends with all of you don’t make us do this man because we will.”

Preston remained silent.

“It’s already proven I’ve got nine lives. You may get number eight in this fight but number seven will be there waiting afterward.” I warned.

“Tyler how of all people could you defend Jacob? After what he did to you?” At this point I’m guessing the fact I kissed Jacob in the parking lot of the admin building after the board meeting on Friday hadn’t circulated through the school yet. I was kind of grateful since it wouldn’t confuse this situation in front of us any further.

“It’s a long story man, and I’ll be happy to tell you at some point. Some of it I can’t say because it’s Jacob’s personal business and I don’t have his permission to divulge it.” I said but they didn’t look convinced.

“Guys, it was me that got Jacob’s sentence suspended so he didn’t get locked up. I didn’t press charges and I did what I could after he confessed to keep him home.” I explained, “I’m also the one that kept him from being expelled as well. Jacob and me are cool now.”

“But why?” Preston asked honestly as signs of a calmer demeanor started to show on his face as some of the anger left his eyes.

“Because he’s worth saving dude. You don’t know the full story, Jacob is not bad, he just got a little lost for a while in his head and we helped him get through it. I would do the same thing for any of my friends, and anyone else who deserved it. Including you Preston.” I stated.

Preston’s looked to Jacob, then locked eyes with me. I continued to remain determined and defiant and after a long moment his stance changed and he nodded. “Fine,” he said.

“Pres, I promise if you want the details I’ll make time to talk to you. And that goes for the rest of you too. This has to end here, right now. An attack on Jacob from this moment forth is an attack on me and if any of you value me or what I’ve been through then you’ll listen and act.” I said loud enough for everyone to hear.

“What’s going on here?” Doctor Yo said as she reached the bottom of the steps, with Deputy Jones.

“A misunderstanding that was corrected before it got too far.” I answered honestly.

She looked at our group and at Preston Foster and his group.

“I take it, that it has been worked out?” She asked pointedly as those not involved quickly managed to disappear.

“Yes ma’am.” Preston said as realization struck about the trouble I had just saved him from. He looked to Jacob then at me. “I’m sorry guys,” he offered.

“We’ll talk later, I promise, and you’ll understand.”

“Okay.”

“Fantastic. Now lunch period is only half over. So I can trust everyone will make their way back to where they’re supposed to be?” Doctor Yo asked.

Everyone responded in the affirmative and left the science annex. No one in our group spoke until we got back to our table and had a chance to breathe.

“I uh…” Jacob said as he tried to break the silence, “I mean thanks.”

“You’re welcome Jake, but that shouldn’t have ever happened.” I said as I looked at him with a mix of concern and sympathy.

Amanda studied Jacob for a moment while she thought then said, “you where going to let them beat you weren’t you?”

I raised an eyebrow and turned to look at Jacob who was looking down at the table.

“Jake?” I asked, “is that true?”

He looked at Amanda, then at me, then back down to the table and nodded.

“Why?” Travis asked trying to understand.

“Jacob I thought you said you didn’t have thoughts of hurting yourself.” Amanda said with a guarded tone.

“I’m not. I mean…” Jacob tried then trailed off.

“Jacob, if you let those guys hurt you without defending yourself or running it’s almost the same as hurting yourself.” Matt said gently understanding where Amanda was coming from.

I stared intently at Jacob, now full of worry and concern which caused him to shift in his seat.

“Jake,” I said gently, “it would hurt me a lot if anything happened to you, either by your own hand or by someone else you know that right?”

He looked at me again quickly and nodded.

“I’m sorry,” he said finally. “I guess I’m still shaken up from walking past the… well you know, this morning when we got here.” He tried to explain.

Travis, Matt and Amanda of course knew exactly what he meant, as did I.

I defiantly wasn’t thrilled with this turn of events, and I didn’t want Jacob intentionally hurting himself or allowing someone else to hurt him because he didn’t forgive himself over his actions yet.

After lunch, the day seemed to drag on, and the incidents from this morning and in the science annex continued to roll around my head until I couldn’t take it anymore. This was really starting to bother me and I couldn’t shake it. I ended up making a phone call, then another to my mom during the break in classes before the last period of the day because this needed to be handled now rather then later.

I caught up with Jacob again after the last bell sounded, at his locker he looked as somber as I felt.

“Hey,” I said as I leaned against the bank of lockers beside him as he was putting stuff away, grabbing the things he I assumed needed for home work today.

“Hey Ty.” he replied with a sigh.

“Anything else happen?” I asked.

He nodded, “not like before but there was a few people who made it clear rather quietly how they felt.”

I let out a sigh of my own.

“Let’s go then, we need to make a stop before we head home. Text Dee so she doesn’t worry.” I replied, as I shoved off from the lockers giving Jacob a pat on the shoulder.

He nodded and pulled out his phone and texted his mother as requested.

We didn’t talk much as we left the school, Jacob seemed lost in his own thoughts and so was I. When we finally did reach our destination, Jacob looked at me curiously and I grabbed his hand and squeezed it before getting out of the car. He followed me quietly and without question as we walked across the parking lot into the building we both knew well.

“Tyler Wells, and Jacob Edwards.” Kelly announced as she ushered us into Gavin’s office.

Gavin stood up from his desk immediately, “Tyler, Jacob. I thought--”

“I know,” I said cutting him off. I looked at Jacob, “I called Kelly and said there was a cancellation. This is important and it couldn’t wait.” Kelly gave a nod as she went back into the reception area closing the office door.

“Okay, then please sit.” Gavin indicated to the chairs as he quickly grabbed his materials and headed to his seat. “What’s going on boys?”

“Today was his first day back at school and some things happened.” I said slowly as I looked at Jacob then back to Gavin. I went into the deep explanation as to what happened at lunch, what was said and how it was handled. Gavin continued his notes but stopped as I told him what happened when we had arrived at school that day, and studied Jacob for a moment when I was done.

“Before we continue, obviously you’re both my patients and I’m seeing you both for the same yet different reasons, so I have to ask this. Jacob are you comfortable discussing this in front of Tyler.”

Jacob finally looked up at the question, then shifted towards me then back at Gavin, “yeah. I think it would be better if we did.”

“Wonderful, and Tyler I’m going to ask you why you felt the need to bring Jacob here today, so everything is in the open.”

My lips pursed into a thin line and I looked at Jacob, “because he was going to let those guys hurt him.”

“Is that true Jacob?” Gavin asked gently.

Jacob nodded quietly, I could feel and see the shame as it washed across his face.

“Jacob do you believe that you deserved what those guys were about to do to you? Gavin asked just as gently.

“Yeah,” came the meek reply.

“I thought the same thing too Jake.” I said as I reached over and grabbed his hand. Jacob looked at me confused, “tell him Gavin, tell him all of it.” I said giving Gavin the permission he needed.

“What Tyler means is, on our first visit he admitted he felt the same way you do. His guilt over what happened between you guys made him feel he deserved what you did to him Jacob.”

“What? No,” Jacob started as he looked at me and squeezed my hand.

“It’s the same thing Jake.” I said softly wiping a tear from my eye. “If you feel like I did you’re going to let yourself get hurt and I can’t handle that.”

“I told Tyler, the same thing I’m going to tell you Jacob. The price your willing to pay for your guilt is more than the guilt itself is worth, and if you do pay that price all you’re going to do is hurt yourself and those around you.” Gavin finished.

“Nobody deserves to be beat Jake. I was mad at what you did to me, but I was more mad at myself because I felt I caused what happened. I know you’re mad at yourself over what you did, you don’t deserve to be hurt Jacob. You just don’t and it hurts me when you think you do.”

“I’m sorry.” Jacob said as he ran a thumb over the top of my hand.

“What are you sorry for exactly?” Gavin probed.

Jacob didn’t answer the question in clear conflict with himself, two sides warring inside of him over control of what was said next.

“Jacob how do you feel about Tyler right now, this moment.”

“I love him,” he finally answered after a moment. “But…”

“But?” I interjected.

“I don’t deserve it! When those guys came at me I was going to let them hurt me because I don’t deserve to love Ty, or to have him love me back because of what I did to him, how could anyone physically hurt the one they love?!” Jacob exploded, the words rushing out of him.

“Like your father hurt you.” Gavin commented dropping the hammer.

Jacob’s head snapped up at Gavin in shock like he had been slapped.

“I don’t… I don’t want to be like him.”

My gut fell as Jacob made that admission, but I knew that wasn’t the only reason. I stayed quiet as Jacob wiped away the tears that were trying to form in his eyes.

“You aren’t like him Jacob,” Gavin began sitting forward in his chair. “If you were like him do you think Tyler would have done every thing he has for you?”

When Jacob didn’t reply he continued, “think about it for a moment. It’s obvious Tyler knows who you really are on the inside. He knows what’s really under that black spot your father left in you Jacob. I know it, your mom knows it everyone who cares about you knows it. Before that incident at school today, or before going to school it self how did you feel about yourself?”

“I was feeling good. We had a great weekend, we celebrated. I felt like myself again.” Jacob replied honestly.

“And the incident at school changed that didn’t it.”

We all knew it had, and Jacob nodded quickly to acknowledge it.

“Look at Tyler Jacob, I mean turn your head and really look.” Gavin instructed, Jacob turned his head and looked at me intently as he continued. “You see that look in his eyes? Do you see the worry, and all the concern? That’s born out of his love for you.”

I kept my eyes on Jacob as my expression changed, and Jacob caught it but didn’t look away.

“And that,” Gavin continued nothing the change himself. “Real love is unconditional. It doesn’t care what you did in the past, it only wants you to be better as you move forward. Tyler’s love for you wants you to forgive yourself Jacob, because it doesn’t want to be held back.”

That feeling I had Saturday night at Jacob’s when he interrupted me thinking it was guilt, returned. It was the key to this whole thing, and still it hadn’t been said. I had forgiven Jacob, because it was part of forgiving myself, and I knew the reason why Jacob didn’t forgive himself.

“He can’t.” I said, looking away now feeling some shame myself. “Not until he forgives me first.” I stood up and turned away from them both.

“For what Tyler.” Gavin asked, I could feel both his eyes and Jacob’s on my back and I twitched uncomfortably.

“That night he tried to come out to me, what I said.”

“You apologized in the park--”

“I said that same word you’re father used on you. I know it hurt you. I know it made you so angry at me. I didn’t know why at the time but that isn’t an excuse.” I trailed off but kept my back to them both. “Everything I’ve done was to make up for that but it still doesn’t seem like it’s enough. It’ll never be enough.”

It was fear that kept me from turning around. Jacob had every right to reject me at this point, because deep down this whole damn thing was my fault.

All of it.

I broke down on the inside, as the guilt came back.

A body, his body rushed up to mine and held me from behind, his arms wrapping around my chest holding me tight. I felt his silent tears on my neck as his head rested on my shoulder, the final blockage in all of this finally released. “Please forgive me Jake, so you can forgive yourself.” I whispered back at him.

He squeezed me tighter as I said those words, then he spun me around to face him as he embraced me again.

“I do,” he whispered and we just stood there in silence.

Gavin disappeared into the outer office for a few moments and returned with a couple of bottles of water and what appeared to be chew-able aspirin. Jacob took his without question and I did the same and we slowly made our way back to our seats.

“It seems you discovered something I was going to bring up in each of your own sessions by yourselves.” Gavin said as things calmed down.

“You knew?” I asked in return.

“Yes, I was going to bring it up after seeing you guys at the board meeting on Friday since it appeared you two had evolved beyond friends between then and our last meeting.” Gavin explained, “the incident at school today accelerated what I knew Jacob would be feeling, even if he didn’t know why he was feeling it.”

Jacob and I nodded in understanding, because he was right.

“We haven’t really had a chance to touch on you two beyond friendship yet, so taking a shot in the dark here it’s safe to assume you two have decided to explore being more than friends?” Gavin asked since that cat left the bag a long time ago.

“Yeah,” we both said in unison which made us both shy away a little.

“Did you guys have feelings for each other before all of this?”

“I uh,” Jacob said first, gripping his water bottle. “Last year, I mean. We got really close as friends last year. I started feeling something then.”

“What about you Tyler?” Gavin asked looking at me.

“Before then.” I admitted as my cheeks flushed, “I wanted to, you know be closer which is why we got close last year.”

“And what about that night Jacob tried to come out to you Tyler do you remember what you were feeling or thought?”

I looked at the floor then back at Jacob, “I was afraid. I knew how I felt but I wasn’t ready to say anything, so I tried to make a joke and totally said the wrong thing.”

“I only tried to tell you Ty, because I felt I could trust you to know. I did feel things for you but I needed you as a friend more than that. I didn’t know you had feelings for me though.” Jacob said softly.

“One thing I want you boys to understand from this is that, first coming out isn’t easy, but second coming to terms with your sexuality is even harder. Jacob I hope you understand what was going on in Tyler’s mind that night, and why he ended up making the mistake he did. Just as Tyler, I want you to understand how Jacob valued you before that mistake was made. And guys, I want you both to understand that mistakes do happen and that it wasn’t intentionally done to hurt anyone.”

“I get that now,” Jacob said. “I don’t think Tyler should feel guilty for it anymore.”

“Just like I don’t think you should feel guilty for how you responded to it.” I said in reply.

“I just don’t get why you don’t though.” Jacob said again looking at me intently.

“It’s because of who he is, and who both of you are.” Gavin said interjected. “Both of you play football right?” Gavin asked starting a new train of thought and perhaps understanding.

“Yeah.” We both said together again.

“People who play sports or tend to be athletic in general understand physical injury a little bit differently than anyone else. Especially in football. You guys take hits, take tackles and sometimes injuries as a means to an end to reach a goal, and you remove emotion from those events because it’s part of playing the game. Tyler has made it clear to me from day one he doesn’t see himself as a victim, partly because of previous guilt but the other part is because of his end goal mentality.” Gavin finished as he looked between me and Jacob.

Jacob still didn’t look totally convinced.

“Jake, he’s right. I’ve been wondering the same thing you are and I bet so are my parents but that’s basically what it is. I remember waking up in the hospital and my first concern wasn’t my condition it was for yours. Like I said I was mad it happened but I wasn’t hung up on it just like you shouldn’t be.”

“Still…” Jacob said, not getting it.

“Jake, stop.”I said calmly but with some defiance. “I’ve moved on, you have too as well. Even if right now you can’t or won’t understand were I’m coming from you still can’t be hung up on it. Because if you don’t we’ll never be totally happy together. You do want to be with me right?”

“Of course! I love you Tyler.” Jacob protested.

“Then let it go, let it go for me if nothing else.”

Jacob studied me hard for a moment then he nodded, “okay.”

“I just need you to know I don’t want you hurt. I don’t want you to hurt yourself, nor do I want you to just let other people hurt you because you think you deserve it.” I explained.

“Which brings me to this,” Gavin said breaking in gently. “You both feel guilt, you both want to moved past it, Tyler is right Jacob, you have to let that go as well, and I need to know that you fully intend to otherwise it causes some problems beyond this room, you know what I mean right?”

“Yeah with the court, if it looks like I’m out to hurt myself in any way I’ll get taken away from Tyler somehow. I don’t want that to happen. I won’t hurt myself or let anyone else hurt me either.” Jacob said with finality.

I breathed a sigh of relief, “thank you Jacob. I want you with me too.”

There was a knock on the door, and we paused as Kelly poked her head in the room.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but there’s some people out here looking for Tyler.” Kelly explained as she looked in my direction.

I rose to my feet as Kelly opened the door a little wider so I could see and I smiled.

“They’re friends, let them in.”

Kelly ushered the three in and I quickly introduced Amanda, Matt and Travis. She then closed the door.

“We were worried. We thought Tyler was at Jacob’s house and Diane said you went somewhere after school, and we went to your house Tyler your mom said you were here. She drove us.”

“We were actually just finishing.” Gavin said as he scribbled a few notes onto his pad.

“So everything’s okay?” Amanda asked eyeing us both.

“Yes.” I replied.

“And Jacob’s not going to do something stupid to get himself hurt?” She asked not caring who heard it.

“No.” Jacob answered. “In fact I owe you guys an apology for even thinking it.”

Gavin smiled at Amanda’s open demeanor, “Tyler made a good decision in bringing Jacob to me today. No doubt he’ll share what was discussed since you appear to be close friends and he should. Communication is the key to any relationship.”

“Apology accepted.” Amanda said and the others agreed, “now I’m hungry. So you two can take us all someplace.”

“The place?” Jacob asked with a small glint of want in his eyes.

“The place.” I agreed.

Gavin scheduled my next appointment, and confirmed with Jacob his next appointment making it known we could have joint appointments in the future and it would count towards what Jacob needed to comply with the court.

We spent the rest of that late afternoon and early evening together as friends, enjoying each others company but also sharing what was said with Gavin. I think it was that conversation in which Amanda, Travis, and Matt finally got it and finally understood the reasoning behind everything thus far. It helped us grow as friends and helped us as a group to finally move past what happened. I felt more content with Jacob and myself now that they understood fully and without reservation, because we as a group would remain strong as we continued to navigate these uncharted territories together.

Jacob was the last person I dropped off that night, it was a school night and as much as I wanted to stay with him longer, I had to spend it at home.

“Are you okay now?” I asked now that we were alone at his front door. The chill had returned when the sun set and I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jacket.

“Yeah Ty, I am I think I get it now.” He responded.

“You know I love you right?” I asked.

“I do know, and I love you too. Tomorrow, I’m going in early with Travis and Matt.” He said taking a step closer to me.

I raised an eyebrow, and looked at him curiously as he continued.

“I’m going to tell Preston and the rest of the guys before morning practice. I won’t tell them about us if you want, but everything else, they should know.” He said with a small smile.

“I don’t care if you tell them about us Jake. Tell whoever you want. I’m not scared people know you’re my boyfriend.”

Jacob’s smile melted me as he said, “boyfriend eh?”

“Well that’s what we are right?” I said closing the gap between us.

“It is, and more,” and with that he kissed me. My hand went to the back of his head and held it as I run my fingers through his hair, his lips pressed against mine harder as I felt his tongue flick for entry which I granted. We became alive in that kiss as the frenzy took over and when it broke we were both breathing pretty hard.

I left Jacob that night feeling better about things. I was still a little worried about what would come tomorrow, but each day was a step in the right direction as we worked towards healing. When I got home I filled my parents in on everything as I always did. They offered some of their own insight, which helped reaffirm some of my own thoughts, but part of me wished that the road to recovery wasn’t so long and difficult. But I was determined, and so was Jacob and that’s all that mattered.