A Journal of Anthro and Revelations - 5. Batch 47

Log Thursday 11/04/19 2:02p

I guess now is a better time than any. I still don't feel ready, but Dr. Juneau says getting back to writing can help. Putting words onto paper and all that jazz.

So, my meeting with Chad.

***

3:40p

Let's try this again. I think I cried myself out this time. Chad. Yeah. Not real. The whole thing was a lie. Fake. There, it's out. Fuck.

***

Log Friday 11/05/19 3:05p

I can hear it in her tone. Me saying it wasn't good enough.

Fine. I opened the door like a fucking hopeless geek and got my shit kicked in. How's that? No, more? Matt beat the ever-God-fearing shit out of me. Broke my nose, fractured my jaw, cracked a rib, and gave me a shiner. More? Left me in a bloody pulp, apparently. Gav found me around eleven when I didn't fucking give the all-clear because I was unconscious.

How about some more? Had to deal with doctors and police and deans and coaches and detectives for days on end. More? How about everyone on campus looking at me like I'm a fatal car crash? The frowns and grimaces. It makes me feel disgusting.

Happy?

***

Log Monday 11/08/19 11:20a

I feel like I need to apologize to a lot of people. Dr. Juneau has taken the brunt of it. She's the college-appointed therapist. Psychiatrist, but who's being picky? I've said a lot of hurtful things. Mostly to myself. I'm done saying Matt should've finished the job.

Gav helped me with that one. He's the second one that I need to say sorry to. It hit me yesterday that he's also going through this. He's the one that found me and called 911. I owe him everything. I didn't wake up until I was being rolled out of the ambulance. Apparently, he even yelled at the EMT, demanding to ride with me to the hospital.

He stayed with me until his coach arrived. Coach Emmerson was the first person Gav knew to call. That's kind of when the shit-show started. The doctor held off the police until I was all bandaged up. The detectives were nice. I feel bad for not telling them what happened at first, but Detective Jessica was a sweet talker and got it out of me eventually.

I hated that Grams had to see me like that. The neighbor brought her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she drove in the dark. She convinced me to tell it all. "Let them do their jobs," and "it'll make me feel better." And now, Dr. Juneau wants me to write it. For my sake; the police already know everything. Explaining it all… It's supposed to help me feel better.

It was Matt. I didn't think he would go from name-calling to assault. He barged in that night, knocked me down, pinned me… and that's all she wrote. I knew I wasn't remembering wrong when Jessica came to tell me he confessed. Coach and the college president came the next day to inform me he was expelled and charged. So much for college being like high school. Cool with me.

The hospital stay was a blur. How Mom enjoys painkillers is beyond my comprehension. I couldn't do anything. I could barely hold my phone, and if I’m being honest, I’m surprised I didn’t shit myself. I was that relaxed and out of my gourd. It just made me sleep the pain away. Probably for the best. Now that I'm on a lower dosage, I can actually move on my own cognitively. My chest aches, but it's getting better. Still hurts to breathe. I think I can relate to Gav when he gets laid out on the field.

Speaking of. This boy is a God-damned mother hen. If he knew it wouldn't send bolts of agony throughout my body, he'd carry me everywhere. He got permission from the dean of student life to take my student ID to the Caf and bring me food. Thank God, because I remember climbing the three flights of stairs when I got out of the hospital. Who the fuck doesn't put an elevator in a dorm? I can't dog on him. Gav's keeping me moving. The doctor said plenty of bed rest. Nurse Gavvy says move. As much as I hate it, he's right. I can't just lay here. After a few days of hobbling down the hall, I was comfortable with going back to class. My professors were shocked to see me on Wednesday. I was given notice to return by the beginning of next week, and while it was generous, I needed to get out. I have plenty of work to get caught up on, but it'll get done eventually. Going back to the studio reminded me about my commissions. I sent out a vague tweet back at the hospital, saying I was taking off for a while. About an hour ago, I explained it in full context. I'm moved by the support. It still blows my mind that fifteen-thousand people follow me and tell me to focus on my health first.

There's so much I want to say but I'm getting tired. Nap, then Caf.

***

6:18p

If Frenchie wasn't married, I'd kiss him. I still might. He saw me get into the grill line and barked at everyone to let me through. I don't like handouts but I was feeling a little weak. Gav took my plate to a table before grabbing my elbow. Man, I feel old. I thought I couldn't wait to tell people to get off my lawn. Now I can.

LaDon and the guys came in like a pack of mother wolves. Gathering around me, they relayed their apologies for not knowing Matt's intentions. I shrugged it off, not wanting to think of the bastard. I'm just glad I can finally move forward and get back to normal life. Well, normal-ish.

Gav's forcing a smile. I can tell. He's been this way since I woke up at the hospital that night. Constantly asking if I need anything, refilling my soda before it gets half-empty, and even snagging me an ice cream cone on his way back from dropping off my dirty plates.

Time to take the half-hour walk back to the dorm. I can't wait until I can move at my normal speed again.

***

8:57p

I am not going to move for the rest of the night. Well, at least until I need to head to the bathroom. Fuck. I thought I was feeling better so I over-did it. Maybe I should’ve listened to my doctor.

Once I feel better for real, I’ll need to get another rug. Gav had to toss it. He tried his best to get the stain out, but it was stuck in there. Winter is coming, and so is the frigid linoleum. Fuck me…

Kristin came over after we got back to the room. Gav and I introduced her to Smash Bros. and she had fun, even though she played as Yoshi and kept smashing the B button the entire time. She kept cackling as Yoshi’s tongue kept popping out, trying to eat and turn us into eggs. Those two hadn’t really hung out before, and I’m glad to see them getting along. Man, you should’ve seen her face when some of the guys came. She looked like she was going to pass out when LaDon sat with her on my bed. I will never let her live down the face she made when he offered to walk her back to her dorm. Her cheeks were red AF when they left. I messaged her half an hour after for “DEETS!” I’ve been left on “read.” Ho-lee shit… I told Gav, and he texted LaDon. No response there. Kristin, you lucky girl.

Still, Gav’s been giving me his silent mood. No way he caught the Rhea again, so something’s up. I know it had to be traumatizing when he found me but we already talked through that. It wasn’t his first rodeo calling 911. He had to do plenty of that when he worked at a grocery store back in Auburn. So what’s eating at him? Was it the aftermath? Having a teammate do something so horrible to one of your friends… That might be it. If he’s still acting like this in a day or two, I’ll check with him.

***

Log Friday 11/12/19 9:24p

Went to Gav’s game, and I’m touched. Before it started, Coach Emmerson and the dean of student life went out to center field with microphones. They didn’t say my name or anything but they reiterated the school’s stance on hate. When Gav stood and clapped, the whole team got to their feet. Gav, LaDon, and Rashaad were looking right at me, so I pointed at them. They raised their helmets to me. I swear, those three are special.

The Pride Club was invited out to the field, and their president, Grace, said everyone was invited to movie night in the student lounge. Plenty of pizza and popcorn for all. After the game, Gav went with me. I didn’t mean to make the place go silent but Grace ran up to us. She introduced everyone and told me I had a group of people to stand with whenever I needed it. They were all so nice and didn’t ask about a damned thing from that night. Without a doubt, I’ll be heading here every Thursday night for the meetings. I never thought I would get involved on campus, but these people make me think it’s worth it.

The movie started. Shrek. Always a solid choice. I always thought the Duloc song was a bop, so imagine how much fun it was when the whole lounge sang along. Everyone shouting, “Face!” made me laugh so hard. My chest hurt, but damn it was hilarious. But that’s not why I mention the movie. Gav put his arm over the back of my chair. You know, like boyfriends do to their girlfriends at a movie theater? Jesus. I was on cloud fucking nine!

But when we got back to the room, he was quiet again. I can tell he’s thinking hard about something. He has a face for it. I asked if he needed help with his homework. That wasn’t it. I wish he could tell me something! I don’t like this side of him. I’m used to happy Gav. If he’s not back to normal by tomorrow night, I’m talking to him.

***

Log Saturday 11/13/19 8:25p

So… I asked him what was going on. He tried to play innocent, but I wasn’t going to fall for his puppy dog eyes. I mean, I almost did.

I can’t blame him. It was the teammate concept. Having Matt, someone you played with on offense, completely flip and do something unspeakable affected him. Apparently, it’s done something to the whole team. Coach keeps telling them Matt’s actions showcased why he didn’t belong on their team; it was beneath their morals as a group. Still, I feel for him. The mentality is striking. To have someone who you depended on… That just sucks. I let him know I’ll always have his back. At least I got a smile out of him.

I know what’ll cheer him up, but I’ll need to double down. I got caught up on my missed work, so aside from studying for the upcoming finals, I’ll spend every spare second I have toward Gano. The bottom half just needs to be shaded, and I’ll be finished. Maybe I’ll get it blown up at Office Depot and frame it. I have a chunk of my last commission payout left, and the staff there will look at me funny, but it’ll be worth it. I want to see that stupid grin of his again.

***

Log Sunday 11/14/19 5:21p

Done. It’s done. I worked night and day on it, and it’s done. Office Depot. Now!

***

7:35p

It’ll be available for pick-up tomorrow. Gav saw me hustle out of the room with my flash drive, so he knows I’m up to something. I can barely hide my smile. For now, I’ll keep myself busy with other drawings. It’s kind of difficult. I keep opening and reopening Gano, even though I’m done with it. That’s kind of why I’m writing. Out of sight, out of mind. Still, I can’t believe I finished it. Chonky rhino with gray skin, onyx-black horn for the nose, purple and white headphones, black basketball shorts with a bulge next to the held “Red Rhino” can… And damn, those dreads. They look so perfect laying over his shoulder and onto his chest. I drew Gav's killer grin, and gave him a winking eye. It's... well, it's perfect.

Finals are just around the corner. I’m not nervous about them, especially since I already aced one. The two art courses are cake. All I need to do is present a masterpiece that the professor hasn’t seen, and I got one of them: Bennie’s Christmas. The studio course, however… I need to spend some time on that. I’ll rent out one of the easels and get cracking in here this week. Might need to scoot my bed back and move the desk away from the shelf to give myself some standing room.

My chest isn’t hurting me as much, and my shiner’s gone. Gav says I’m lucky with my nose. It looks like it was never touched. I think I’m looking normal now. It’s like that night never happened, but I know better than that. Mentally, I feel both stronger and weaker. Pain isn’t foreign to me anymore, but now I’m afraid of feeling it again. It was nothing like when I scraped my knee or got stung when I was a kid. I can only be thankful I got knocked unconscious when I did. At least I couldn't feel anything after that.

***

Log Monday 11/15/19 6:29p

Just got out of the Caf and I'm about to get in the truck. Time to pick up Gano.

***

6:47p

It looks perfect! 24" by 36" of big, beefy rhino. I even got a poster frame for it. Time to get him home. I can't wait to see Gav's stupid grin! I'll put it in the frame real quick, then head back to the dorm.

***

Log Tuesday 11/16/19 6:37p

Gav's at practice, so I have some time to explain what the fuck happened last night.

I guess I should start by saying Gav loved Gano. The man was speechless. Mouth over the hand, still as a rock… Honestly, I thought I broke him. Thank God he remembered how to breathe. He held that poster for five minutes before sitting and thanking me. I could tell he was on the verge of tears.

That's when he set it down and took a deep breath. You could feel the air getting heavy, like when a car gets stuck on railroad tracks. He said he was sorry. Sorry he didn't see Matt's behavior sooner. Man, trying to get him to understand none of that was his fault was like pulling teeth.

Then the world stopped when he said he was bi. I swear, time froze. My suspicions were correct, but I was still smacked by the semi-truck of reality. All of the glances and smirks were real. I instantly recalled the moment I came out to him and the guys, and I knew Gav needed support. I told him it was okay, and I was there for him.

He cried. I have never seen him cry, not until now. I don't know how but I hugged and held the big lug. The floodgates opened and soaked my shoulder. I just kept rubbing and patting his back as he blubbered incoherently. Grabbing the box of Kleenex on my shelf, I watched the crumpled tissues pile on the floor without a care. Once he got everything out of his system, I asked him to repeat all of that, which made him laugh.

Part of his guilt from Matt's attack comes from him not wanting to ask me out. Yeah, I'm still shaken by that one. All this time, he thought about asking me out on a date. Ever since I came out of the closet, he wanted to. His desire to ask me came when he battled the Rhea, but shortly after, I was messaging "Chad." By that time, he gave up and tried to move on.

I feel so stupid. If I had just asked what was eating at him, I might have gotten this out of him. Then again, he's like me when I first came to college. He was protecting himself by keeping it bottled up and hidden. Survival, except extreme. He’s on the football team; surrounded by hunky guys that may or may not be homophobic. He hasn't even told his parents. When he said that and how he didn't know if they would react badly, I wanted to smack him. I showed his mom Gano, for fucks sake! They'd love him regardless, and that's what I said to him.

I need to help him. He wants to ask me out… So that's what I'll do. He gets out of practice in about fifteen minutes or so. Okay, River… Let's see what we can do.

***

9:53p

Cloud nine is too low. I'm in heaven. Gav got back, had a shower, and I stood waiting for him. After he got dressed, I grabbed my keys and we went out. A proper date. With a man that I've been living with for three months.

We decided we were too good for the Caf and hit up a local pizzeria near campus. Let me tell you, it felt different in a good way. It felt familiar. Both of us were smiling. I was nervous, and I could tell he was too. This wasn’t like our TB date nights or eating at the Caf. We were genuinely interested in each other. None of the guys were there to chill with us, no people butting in on our french fry talk. Just me and him, and it was something special. There were things we already knew, like our music tastes and what we liked to do in our free time. Instead, we shared what we wanted to do with our lives. Gav was serious about opening JC’s, the burger joint. I joked about using Gano as the mascot for the business, but he loved the idea. Looks like I’ll need to recreate a headshot with a juicy burger in the near future.

After we ate, we walked for a while. I think we circled campus about three or four times. Halfway on lap two, I noticed that smirk of his. Reading his mind, I grabbed his hand. Holy shit, it felt nice. A little rough, but I blame football. Still, it was warm. We never let go, even when we heard a whistle from a second-story window. Just as we saw who it was, an “Aw, shit!” was yelled, the window slammed shut, and both LaDon and Rashaad barreled through the dorm lobby door. Gav let go of my hand, and I didn’t blame him. After he tried to explain himself, Gav said fuck it and grabbed my waist. Having our sides pressed together felt like ecstasy to me. Gav shook a little when the guys profusely offered their support. Just like me, they were there for him.

Needless to say, our date was crashed. The guys came back to our room, but Gav sat with me on my bed. I’m pretty sure he was shooting daggers from his eyeballs. Rashaad, nosy as ever, found Gano underneath Gav’s bed. Him and LaDon lost their shit and demanded I draw them. When I gave them my prices for commission, they argued whether Gav paid for his.

“Perks of being the boyfriend.”

That’s what he said. Not even two hours into the date and he was ready to call us boyfriends. Not that I complained, but I certainly voiced my confusion. That resulted in Gav being teased. Something about him being in the doghouse. I couldn’t pay less attention. Gav was the only person of interest in the room. Before I could look over at LaDon and Rashaad, they were gone and Gav was staring a hole through my head. This man has to have magic time powers because the world stopped again when he got up and locked the door. A knot tightened in my chest when he sat back down. It all loosened up when Gav held my cheek and kissed me. My first kiss, and fuck… I needed my second right then and there.

It was all too right. We held each other on my bed and watched half of a movie before Gav yawned. I’m going to have a love-hate relationship with his pouty face, but he needed to get some sleep. He has practice and a class at nine in the morning, so I kicked him back to his side of the room. I’m about to fall asleep myself, so I’ll wrap this up. Scenarios are running through my head. Us taking things slow. Us taking things too quickly. At some point, are we going to push the beds together? Nah, that won’t work. This mattress already slides when I roll over at night. I do have a couple of ratchet straps behind the seat in the truck…

I might sleep well tonight.

***