Bearpaw: An Old West Tale - 22. Chapter 22 Bustin' Fences

Bustin' Fences

“You moved everything over from the old cabin? All I seen was the stairs when I walked in… didn’t notice nothing else. Lord above! I’m still pondering how you did all this. Look at all the room we got in here!”

Jubal shrugged his shoulders, pleased as all get out at the look on Lucas’s face, one like a kid finally getting a store-bought toy what he'd been pining for. “Wanted it ready for your moving in. Didn’t know where you’d want to put your belongings, but seemed to me the table should go over there.”

“Yep, best place for it. Can look out them two windows, and it’ll be a warm spot in the winter when the hearth is lit. Can watch the sunsets too, which I couldn’t never do in the other one.”

“That be a good spot for your bed, where I put it?” Jubal asked.

“Seems right, leastwise till I can get up into the loft easier. Be nice to sleep in here from now on, won’t it? The old cabin smells like dirt and damp.”

“It ain’t so bad,” Jubal said. “Better than where I’ve slept most nights since I left my pa’s house.”

“Maybe so, but we’ll get a better sleep in here.”

“You surely will, it being such a fine home, but I plan on staying put… suits me just fine.”

“What?” Lucas stopped, turning back from his slow walk toward the new back door. “You ain’t sleeping here? Why in tarnation not?”

Jubal shook his head as he stared into eyes what had hardened. “Ah… figure it’s best for me to sleep in the other one.” He swallowed, not liking the new expression Lucas be showing.

“Why in holy hell would you figure such a thing? Have I done something to make you think so, to make you not feel welcome?”

“Of course not, no. Expect it will keep folks in town from talking is all.”

“Talking? Talking about what?”

“About two men sleeping in the same place, and what that might look like to some ready to be unkind.”

“Unkind? Oh… I see. Well, I don’t give a good fuck what someone else might think!” Lucas appeared angry… really angry, and Jubal lost the tight grip he had on his fears.

“Maybe you don’t, but I do give one! I don’t want to see us dragged from our sleep one night because some folks get an idea in their head.”

“Jesus, Jubal. What are we talking about here? Thought we were friends… good friends?”

“We are, but you didn’t hear the questions them churchgoers were asking me at the mercantile,” he muttered, looking away and remembering the shiny man.

“No… no I didn’t,” Lucas said a mite more calmly. “Getting dragged from our sleep… is that what happened to you when you got them rope burns on your neck?”

Jubal’s gaze shifted back to the man. “You can’t trust people, and it be a big mistake to think you can,” he answered, feeling cornered and scared and stubborn all at once. He surely didn’t like where this conversation be going. What had he expected? Lucas stared at him for a time, and Jubal saw he breathed faster than normal. So was he.

“Is that all you got to say?”

“I… yep, I suppose it is.” What else was there, he thought, feeling the fear claw at his innards like it had so many times before.

“All right. Well… suppose I have to respect what you be feeling. Told you I wouldn’t pry, but there’s something I need to say. Don’t fret… and don’t get riled. It’s not about you… or you not wanting to sleep here… not in the way you might think. Will you listen while I speak?”

“Course I will. I know you see me a fool, and maybe I am, but—”

“No! Don’t consider you’re a fool, Jubal, not for one damn second, but I believe you might spend too much time worrying about other folk, and I can only guess why. Ain’t going to do that, though, cause I know you got your reasons. I already said it’s up to you what you tell me… or what you choose not to.”

He walked to the back door and peered out through its window, taking his time about it. Jubal stayed where he stood and watched him, experiencing a whole mess of feelings. He surely didn’t like disappointing his friend… this man he had such love and concern for.

“Like being able to see out like this. Was a fine idea to put this glass in. Something else I wouldn’t have thought of if you weren’t here. Going to tell you about Reid and me. Told him I would be doing so at some point and he don’t mind a’tall. In fact, he said he trusted you and expected it was something you be needing to hear.”

Jubal listened to the long sigh what followed, but his feet stayed planted and his mouth stayed closed. He waited while Lucas took his time to speak again.

“Him and me, we go back a ways like I told you. I… reckon I should start by saying I rode away from someone I was pretty sure I loved, and was hurting terrible bad for doing so. Figured I’d made this huge mistake by not speaking my mind, cause I convinced myself it wasn’t what I wanted.”

Another long sigh came from the man. “Loving someone like that was a new feeling for me… and it seemed easiest to just stick to my plans, expecting it would go away. Anyways, that’s what I did, and I kept to myself on my next cattle drive, but it didn’t go away… not one bit of it. I was damn confused about so many things, and right miserable to be around.

“That’s when I met Reid—he was a hand with that same outfit. Took a liking to me for some reason, and he was annoying as all get out, always trying to get me to talk when I didn’t care to, but he finally wore me down. So… I told him what ate at me. Thing is, him and me, we shared something most others don’t.”

The words stopped, and Jubal waited for more, until it got uncomfortable. Was he supposed to ask?

Lucas’s throat clearing saved him from having to decide. “Reid… he understood what it was like to want men over women.”

More silence followed, and Lucas finally turned from the little window. He met Jubal’s gaze with a question burning in his eyes. No fear what Jubal could see, though. “Be truthful, Jubal. It bother you any to hear such a thing from me?”

Jubal had to close his mouth before he could answer. “No… no it don’t bother me none. Ah… it don’t a’tall, I promise you that.” So… his suspicions what were usually wrong, turned out to be right… at least some of them. Reid and Lucas be lovers?

“Good, cause there’s a lot more I got to say. Reid, he’s a decent fellow—that weren’t hard to tell—and he got ‘neath my skin somehow. I was powerful lonely, and happens we shared pleasures after a time… you understand what I’m meaning?”

Jubal nodded, his thoughts proven true. He felt the stab of it deep inside. “I… of course I do, and I understand—”

“Don’t need you to say nothing else. Only want you to listen so I can say what’s burning to get loose,” Lucas said, cutting him off. “We did so a few times, and he helped me get my head right enough I could do my job and not go riding off. I was still hurting, but it eased some. That was until one day Reid up and said he had love for me.”

Jubal’s heart hurried up at those words. Bugger!

“But,” he continued right quick, “I didn’t feel such for him. Cared for him and his friendship, but didn’t love him, not the way he said he wanted. Don’t believe he really loved me neither, and I told him so. Said we should just be friends like we were. Not saying he was a liar, but he liked having fun wherever he could get it… you hearing me?”

Jubal swallowed down a bunch of spit what filled his mouth, feeling relief Lucas didn’t love Reid. Was that still they way it be? “Yep, I understand your meaning.”

Lucas stared at him hard, still not seeming nervous or scared a’tall, like Jubal would have been at exposing hisself in such a way. The man appeared determined more than anything.

“He got ornery at me saying what I did, but he didn’t deny he wasn’t only sharing pleasure with me. We had us some… disagreements… not about him being with other men. That’s who he was, and to be honest, that was who I be afore I met Boone.”

He took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Boone… he’s the one what caused me to feel love for the first time. He changed me in a way I didn’t expect, and I was past wanting many to share pleasure with. I wanted one man to build a future with, and I knew it wasn’t never going to be Reid. Believe a man can change as he learns life, but not every man wants to.

“Anyways, Reid kept on chasing me when I didn’t want to be chased, and made promises I didn’t want him to make. If he truly understood what the love was I felt for another, he would have understood that, but he didn’t, so I pushed him away, and then we parted ways—as friends—after our second cattle drive together.”

“Boone be that fellow from Larkspur?”

“That be him. Yep, realized it was all in my head once I laid eyes on him again… not my love for him, that be real. Like I said, first time I ever felt that way, and I convinced myself we belonged together… so after a time I went looking for him.

“Turns out he was already in love with someone else, though. I seen it one time when this fellow Coy, a friend of his, caught us kissing, but never accepted it till I saw them together in Larkspur. Saw they belonged together in a way we never could have. You sure this ain’t making you uncomfortable?”

“Not a bit. You’re my friend, Lucas, and you can trust telling me anything.”

“That be what I thought. Hope you’ll trust me the same way.”

He paused, and Jubal felt the message of his words. That it didn’t make him squirm was a surprise. He knows.

“So, I didn’t have any knowledge for what happened to Reid after we parted ways, or that he be a sheriff when I rode into Bearpaw Lake. Surprised the holy hell out of me when he stepped from his office. Was happy to see him again, though, and ended up telling him the whole story about seeing Boone and Coy, and why I’d come out this way. He was a good friend to listen, and that’s what I was needing. Made the mistake of going fishing with him a few weeks after I bought this place, though…and… we spent one of them nights together… like old times.”

Jubal watched a red flush move up the still pale skin, turning his cheeks rosy red. The man was embarrassed, and he felt sympathy for him. “And Reid thought that meant more than it did?”

“How did you figure that out?” Lucas asked, his eyes widened and his jaw lowered a good inch.

“Seen him look at you… and how you wanted distance from him most times. I know what I saw, but didn’t understand the why of it till now.” It took a few seconds before the man chuckled, and it was not what Jubal expected.

“Heard him say the same… ah… never mind. You be a smart fellow for sure, and I knew that. So, happens we’ve had some of them old arguments all over again. Was my fault for laying with him, but I thought our past was past. I love him, I surely do, as a good and caring friend like I said, but that’s all. Could be wrong, and he says I am, but he’s still like I was when I was full of oats.

“And even if he weren’t, we were never a good pair to couple up serious-like, something I got no doubts about. You can’t find love when it ain’t there. But he sure enough tried to convince me I be wrong. It’s only recent he’s been agreeable. You can say something now, if’n you want to.”

“Like what?”

“Reckon I don’t rightly know. Whatever you be thinking, you can say. I wanted you to understand what you’ve seen between me and Reid—seen them curious looks of yours—and I thought it fair you knew the truth. If people are talking, it would surely be about me, not you, though I suppose the fact you live here might be something some could chew on. I didn’t know anyone was concerned with my business, but like you said, word gets around, and I weren’t never shy in the past about folks knowing who I be.

“I’ve been a lot of places, Jubal, and I’ve spent some time with others like me, but none since I bought my land, ‘cepting that one time with Reid, and I know he would never speak of it to another. But if you feel the need to protect yourself from talk, I understand. You should sleep where you feel safest.”

Jubal nodded. “I… ah… I know what I want to say to you now. I… I wish I was as brave as you.”

Lucas’s eyebrows rose, and then he snorted. “Ain’t never met a man in my life braver than you be.”

“Then I fooled you good. I’m a coward, Lucas, one who runs from trouble, real or not. Been hiding most of my life. You know that love you had for Boone?”

“Yep.” The man had taken another step toward him, though there still be distance, and his gaze was serious.

“I had one just like it… with Vincent. Loved a man too, and I loved him with my whole heart.” He swallowed, but this time it was from not enough spit. His throat was so dry he was close to choking.

“That was hard for you… to say such to me, wasn’t it?”

He nodded. “Never… not once have I said that to anyone before… except to the man hisself. He showed me a man can be tender, and that professing love wasn’t no weakness. Are you surprised?”

“No, I reckon not really, but you be a damned hard man to figure out. Vincent… he was right it ain’t no weakness to speak your feelings. Can I ask you what happened to him?”

“Don’t mind you asking me anything… not anymore. He married a woman what arrived from his country.”

“And you still love him after such?”

“I reckon I’ll always have love him. It don’t ever go away. He always planned to marry, and he said so from my first time laying with him… never hid it, and never lied to me. Truth is, it be arranged by their families when he was still a boy of thirteen, and I reckon he did love her, but he loved me too… maybe even more than her. He said as much, but he was a man who wanted a family above anything else. Can’t fault him for it.”

“It’s good you can think well of him. You’re right the love never goes away, but it can get easier to think on,” Lucas said, his gaze saying something more than his words.

“I believe that too. Never was angered with his choice, but there be plenty of hurt for sure. Lucas?”

“Yep?”

“It’s good to speak of him to another. Feels easier to breathe.”

“Know that feeling. You want to tell me about getting drug?” Lucas moved over to the bed and carefully sat. Despite some soreness showing, he appeared relaxed.

“Not a good story a’tall… one I’ve tried my best to forget.” Jubal took some time to rub his face. “Ah… to be honest, not something I’ve been able to, though.”

“Maybe it ain’t an easy story to tell, but might be it’ll lighten that load you carry if you speak on it. Could even help you let loose of it, but it be your choice.”

Jubal slowly nodded as he stared at this man he so badly wanted to touch.

“Come sit with me. My back be complaining, likely from them stairs. Reckon I ain’t used to standing up for such a spell yet.”

Lucas had leaned against the wall the back door be on, so Jubal moved to the other end of the mattress and sat, not nervous, at least not as much as he’d have thought, but part of him sorely wanted to walk about, and maybe away from Lucas’s curiosity.

Fair was fair, though, and he could at least try to be brave like his friend thought he be. “Ain’t never been good at spotting another like me. Got myself in trouble more than once, being mistaken about a man’s interest, or who he be as a person.”

“Reid is good at such—can spot our kind a mile off—but I’ve made them mistakes before too,” Lucas said, and Jubal felt his easy encouragement. He appreciated it.

“He spot me?”

“Might have… he did point out some things, but I already admitted you confused me plenty.”

“But you cottoned on that I might be?”

“Might have hoped for it, Jubal,” he said with surprising honesty. “Felt your hand in mine long before I woke… might have dreamed it, but if felt real enough to me. Felt connected in a way I never had before, whether it be a dream or not. Anyways, not wanting to make you skittish of me. Tell your story.”

“Wasn’t skittish,” he mumbled, surely feeling something different at the man’s words.

“No? See, that’s what I mean about you confusing me.”

“Don’t meant to, but when you spend your life hiding who you be, seeing… feeling the danger of your secret getting known, you have these instincts what want to take charge. They be strong ones, Lucas.”

“I understand that, truly I do. It be a hard life for men like us, and I didn’t mean to sound like mine was all good. Being lonely is part of it for sure.”

“Yep, it is.”

“So, you ain’t good at seeing your like? Is that what happened when you got them rope burns?”

Jubal sighed, hating thinking about that night, the torches and the smoke, and the rough ground and the rocks what ripped his skin, and worst of all, not being able to breathe. He’d been so sure his time was up.

“I did see my like that night. A man I met outside a livery well south of here last fall. I was buying a sack of oats for my horses since the ground had little grass left on it, and what did grow be woody stalks a horse couldn’t do well on. He be younger than me by a few years, and he showed strong interest—that time I was certain—but happens I wasn’t looking a’tall.

“Was right talkative—nervous talking—and asked me where I be staying. Told him I was camping west of town near the river cause I preferred the outside. Truth was, I had a bad experience in a hotel and never wanted to be cornered in a room again.

“Anyways, could see in his eyes what he wanted, but knew for sure when he asked if he could come out to my camp after sundown. He was scared, I could tell, and I reckon I felt sorry for him… he wasn’t a pretty fellow, but I’ve felt that want for physical touch he seemed to be needing… used to feel it before Vincent, and plenty of times after. He was desperate with the hunger of it, and I gave into pity for him.”

He took another deep breath as he met Lucas’s gaze. There be no judgement there, and he realized he had no need for secrets anymore. “He came to my camp not long after I got back, and he be in a hurry to get what he wanted. Can’t say I enjoyed it much, and he left right quick after we were finished. Could see the guilt he felt at what he’d done so I tried to talk to him—to make it easier for him—but he was buttoned up and on his horse in no time. Left me feeling sad, for him and for me, to be truthful.

“Woke up a few hours later surrounded by four men and that young fella what had been with me earlier. Two guns were aimed at me. One of them called me the devil’s demon, and another roped me from behind soon as I stood. He asked, ‘What now, Preacher?’. Can still hear his voice. He sounded right gleeful he had me roped.”

Jubal took a deep breath, forcing hisself to keep talking. “Rope pinned my upper arms, but it was enough cause I didn’t have my gun strapped on. If I had of, maybe….” His words trailed off as he thought about how foolish he’d been. Lucas stared at him, and he saw nothing but concern.

“The man what called me a demon was the goddam preacher, and he asked the young fella if he was sure I be the one.” Jubal shivered as he pictured the boy’s face. It’d looked powerful ugly in the torchlight. “He said, ‘That be him, Pa. He’s the one who made me do them evil things’.”

“Jesus!”

“He was terrified, Lucas, like a little boy afraid for being hated. Don’t expect it’s easy being the son of a preacher who had such hate in him.”

“But he lied… and you’re defending him?”

“Yep… suppose it don’t make sense. I didn’t make him do anything, but only him and me knew the truth. Saw the preacher nod and the fellow holding the rope jerked me off my feet. Then he told him to drag me in a big circle until I turned into the serpent I was.”

“Christ Almighty! He be a crazy sumbitch! A serpent?”

“He was just a preacher, one of those what thinks he be God hisself,” Jubal said, tasting his own sour bitterness. “Thought I was a goner for sure when the rope slid up to my neck. Got my fingers under it afore it tightened, but still couldn’t hardly breathe.”

“How did you manage to live through such a thing?”

“Funny that, what happened. Not sure I believe in the Lord, but I might have on that night. The man’s dally came loose after I was drug long enough my skin got torn up, and the rope ripped through his fingers when he tried to hold it. He was cursing the dickens when the preacher rode up with his gun pointed my way. Was expecting a bullet, but think he was enjoying my torment too much.

“He told that fellow to quit his bellyaching and pick the rope up cause the job weren’t finished. Was able to get air again, and tried to get free but the man was too quick at getting his lariat pulled back tight. Even if I had, that preacher would have shot me… probably wound me so I could suffer some more.”

Damn, this be hard. “The man with the rope got mounted up and started dragging me again, but there be a gunshot. Thought the preacher had changed his mind and shot me anyway… so much pain through my body it be hard to tell.”

“Jesus! Sumbitches had no right!”

“No, they surely didn’t, but the bible gives men power to be evil. Wasn’t hit, though. Didn’t know where the gunfire came from until I heard one of the other men call out that it be enough. I was about out of my mind with the pain and the choking and didn’t see his face, but he sounded like a man used to being listened to.

“Said he came there to teach a man a lesson, not be part of any murder. Preacher argued with him, saying I had to pay for what I done to his son. That other man said I had paid for my sins, and I'd be lucky if I didn’t die before the night ran out. Then asked what his son was doing out here with me after dark anyway.

“Heard the preacher say, ‘How dare you’, but the gunman was having none of it. Told the cowboy to get his rope off me. That one argued too, but another gunshot aimed his way convinced him. They left me where I be and rode off. Remember the preacher’s son looking down at me while I was gulping air, and saw his shame. His pa yelled at him to get riding and pay me no mind.”

“Fuck that sumbitch, and curse the both of them! Sounds like you were lucky to be alive. What did you do then?” Lucas asked, appearing riled and shaken both at what he’d just heard.

“Crawled to my campfire and scraped dirt to put it out so it be dark, worried they’d change their minds and find me again… or that the preacher would come back hisself to finish the job. Took stock and learned I was bleeding from my head, under my shoulder, across my rear and my stomach, and was scratched all over where my shirt rode up and got tore off, with only a scrap left on me. Couldn’t turn my head more than an inch without seeing stars… could manage two if I tried hard enough. Lucky my neck weren’t broke, but I weren’t sure it wasn’t. Taking in air be hard, and the noise of it wouldn’t quit.”

“Goddam, Jubal.”

“Yep… weren’t the worst of it. Got stood up after a time—emptied my stomach—and then led Kema and Bean across the river and up behind some rocks. Couldn’t go no further—couldn’t even see right—and laid there for days with a terrible fever.”

“How many days?”

“Can’t be sure. Horses were wandering around when it broke, and they’d chewed a hole in the sack of oats. Lucky they didn’t eat too many at one time, or there’d have been problems.”

Lucas nodded. Cowboys understood the dangers of a horse overeating oats. His eyes were filled with emotion, some of it anger, but much of it be sympathy, and there be a shine to them.

“Reckon it was three or four days at the least… maybe as much as a week, judging by how I felt. Couldn’t stand, but I could crawl, and I got some pemmican and water in my belly soon as I could. Wounds weren’t smelly, but they didn’t look good a’tall. Took more than a month for my neck to turn halfway, and another couple afore it felt right again. Wheezed like a horse with strangles for a good long while.”

“Jesus,” Lucas said softly. “So… that’s why church folk make you….”

“Skittish? Yep, that and my own pa who preached the bible the day long. He cottoned on to me and Vincent, but never had any proof. He sure enough made accusations, though. Reckon I learned not to care, but he made my life pure hell till I got away from him. He was a hateful man, always angry, and I saw no sense to church and the bible if it made a man be such a way.”

“Can see why it’s hard for you to trust.”

“That preacher’s son be my own kind, yet he near got me killed. A cowboy what sought me out, one I laid with and thought I could trust, showed up with two other cowboys to have their way with me when I be camped out watching over a part of the herd by my lonesome. They talked nice at first, but then they acted like animals… and all I could think of was how different they be from Vincent.

“Hadn’t been on my own for long back then, but I fought them harder than they be ready for, till they finally gave up after one almost had his way. He paid for the little he got, though. Booted him square and he howled plenty. Reckon he was black and blue for weeks. It was a hard thing to get past, sure enough, and I had no trust for anyone after that, especially my own self.”

“Why didn’t you trust you? You did nothing wrong.”

“Thought that cowboy was like me, caring and all, but he weren’t… not even close.”

“No, I suppose he wasn’t, but it weren’t your fault.”

“Should have been smarter, and should have been more careful.”

“Sometimes we find it tough to be who we are, but our kind of life is like gambling… sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.”

“I know that for sure, but I be mighty tired of losing. Anyway, I rode off without my wages that time. That be long before I got drug.”

“Sorry you had it so tough.”

“Ain’t complaining, but it taught me it’s best to keep to myself.”

“And not give anyone something to talk about, like those folks in town?”

“Yep. Worked hard and saved all my money. Never went to town ‘cept for supplies. Broke that rule once and paid for it.” He sighed, wondering why he be talking so much. His words were coming like water from one of those springs outside. “You want to hear more?”

“Finally understanding you, Jubal, and that was my hope for us talking, so yes, I want to hear all you have to say.”

“All right. Don’t usually yammer this much.”

“I’ve noticed,” Lucas said with a quick grin. It was gone as fast as it appeared.

“Thought I’d finally found a man to share some… pleasure with. Was feeling low… and terrible lonely. He was right friendly, and staying at the same hotel. Let him in my room, and he became someone else once the door closed. Hit me hard across the face with his gun. Woke next morning with my cheek all swole, naked, and bruised bad in all kinds of places. Only remember some of what happened that night, but know for sure he hit me with the gun again at least once. Still have no idea what I did wrong?”

“You did nothing wrong. Some men need to be cruel to get their satisfaction. I’ve come across those too, not as bad as the one you did, but still not what I would call my like. There be good, like-minded ones out there, though.”

“Like Vincent and Boone.”

“Yep, like them, and like you. You be one of those good ones, even after all you’ve been through.”

“Carry a lot of fear, Lucas.”

“Don’t fault you for them fears a’tall. Was confused by you, but not anymore.”

“What confused you?”

“Saw you wanted to run. Felt you hold my hand, yet you were itching to leave. There were times I thought you cared for me, but was never sure. Reid… he told me right off you looked at me with love. It be why I laughed when you said you saw the way Reid look at me, since he said the same about you.”

“He was right.”

“That be so?”

“Yep. You were right too… you felt it, and I knew you did, that you knew my secret, and that scared me something awful, but I never was itching to leave you. Running is what I do, what I used to do.”

“Used to?”

“Well… depends on how you feel about me.”

“Ain’t it clear?”

“You confused me too. No, that probably ain’t right. I got this habit I’ve practiced plenty… not to trust what’s right in front of me. Be my own worst enemy in that regard.”

“You can trust what’s right in front of you, and you can trust Reid who says I ain’t been this alive since I arrived in Bearpaw… not even since he first met me. Boone ain’t in my head like he was… you are… and that happened the first night.”

“You saying you have love for me?”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

“Then there’ll be no running for me. I might be a coward, but I ain’t a fool, and I know what I want more than anything… what I’ve always kept some hope for. Never thought there’d be a match for Vincent and what I felt for him, but I’m same as you. You’re in my head from morning to night, and even when I sleep you be in my dreams. Knew how much love I had for you after you got shot. Had no choice but to admit it to myself.”

“Glad you did, and glad you’re admitting it to me. Wish you wouldn’t see yourself as a coward. You had reason to be fearful.”

“You said yourself you weren’t ever shy about who you be.”

“No, and now I’m thinking I was too careless for my own good. Wouldn’t have been so if my life almost be ended by a rope, or I got such treatment as you did.”

“Don’t feel as fearful right now.”

“I’m thankful for that, cause I believe we could have us a good life together, Jubal… and it helps I’ve never seen a finer looking man in the altogether.”

Jubal chuckled, letting hisself feel joy at Lucas’s words. “Ain’t been the same since I seen you naked that first time. You sure were a sight after thinking you resembled some strange beast.”

Lucas laughed, a truly happy sound. “Won’t be letting my hair and beard get that long ever again.”

“No, I reckon you won’t.” They chuckled at the same time, their feelings finally spoken. Jubal had let his fears out to another for the first time since Vincent, and he did feel the lighter for it.

“When was the last time you kissed a man, Jubal?”

“Kissed? Well, I reckon that would be the preacher’s son. Earl was his name, and I wouldn’t say it was a good one a’tall. Ain’t shared anything with a man since that night.”

“I sure as heck understand why that be. You like kissing?”

“I liked kissing Vincent sure enough—he was never afraid to show his heart to me—and there was one other cowboy I lay with once. He be right sweet, but never saw him again. Would have been eighteen at that time.”

“Never paid kissing much mind when I was younger… not until I kissed Boone. Kissing him woke me up in a different way.”

“What about Reid?”

“Ah… I reckon he be good at kissing, but when it’s missing the feeling, it ain’t the same.”

Jubal nodded. “Are you thinking we should kiss?”

“Would that make you skittish?”

“Hell no. I reckon it would make me want to stay forever,” Jubal said with a grin, feeling braver every dang minute.

“Help me up then. I need to be standing for this.”

Jubal moved quick, gently easing him up off the bed with a grip under his arms. They were now standing close, and Jubal lost hisself in that pretty green.

“Might should have cleaned my teeth first.”

“Don’t want to wait that long, Lucas.”

“I don’t neither.”

Jubal wasn’t sure who moved first, but it didn’t matter. They kissed, soft and gentle-like at first, but it didn’t take long to change to something more. He held the man with care, but hold him he did, wrapping his arms around him while their lips and tongues moved together. Lucas’s arms held him lower, around his waist, and Jubal felt hands pushing into his back and bringing their lower bodies closer. Many years had passed since he felt such, and it was almost more than his heart could bear.

So much tenderness and passion both were mixed up in their kiss… their first kiss, and Jubal understood the gift of it. It had been a long trail, but he belonged here with this man. Lucas surely knew what he was doing, and the kiss turned playful in the most natural way, like they’d done such for years. Jubal joined in the teasing, opening up fully to the love he’d attempted to conceal. There was no need to hide it anymore, not from this man he held onto like his life depended on it.

When they finally drew apart, Lucas leaned his forehead against Jubal’s. Eyes closed, his breath floated over his face before he spoke. “Ain’t comparing, but never had a kiss like that in my whole life. Never a moment it didn’t feel right. What I've been searching for, sure enough.”

Jubal smiled, watching the man’s eyes open and stare into his. “I reckon it’s the same for me. I feel brave, Lucas. I ain’t afraid of nothing no more, ‘cept losing you and what we got right now.”

“I’m only afraid of losing you too. Don’t think I could bear it, not since this wish of mine came true.”

“Turns out it’s a wish we both had, and I ain’t going nowhere.”

“I hope that’s a promise.”

“I trust you as much as I have anyone in my life, so yep, I promise you this be home for me. You be home for me now, for as long as you’ll have me.”

“Reckon that’s going to be a long damn time, Jubal.”

He sighed at the truth he saw, and the truth he felt in his own heart, and he had no other thought… only a need. “Can I kiss you again?”

“Be mighty obliged if you would.”

*