Window Stories - 4. Chapter 4

I didn’t see Colin again for two days. I was worried that he didn’t want to continue visiting me. I hoped that he hadn’t given up on me. Every time I look at the window, visions of my past appear. I had just returned from therapy with Jason. He was pushing me into the room in a wheelchair. As usual, I was exhausted from my workout.

Colin rose from his chair when we entered. He approached and took the handles to my wheelchair. He asked Jason if it would be alright to take me outside. Jason laughed and said, “Just don’t let him escape. He’s tried it twice already.”

“I have not!” I responded sarcastically, “Why would I try to leave this heavenly place?” Jason patted me on my shoulder and told me to have a good time.

I squinted my eyes when we exited the building. The sun was shining brightly. The warm air felt good. I took a deep breath and smelled the fresh flowers surrounding the entrance. “Where can we go where we’ll be alone?” asked Colin. I pointed to a tree about fifty feet away. There was an Adirondack chair that Colin could sit in.

He positioned my wheelchair so I was facing him and asked, “How has your day been, Phil?”

“I am a little weak from my therapy,” I responded as I took another deep breath. “But I feel better getting some fresh air.”

Colin said, “I’m sorry I didn’t come see you for a couple of days. The agency keeps assigning me new patients.”

“It’s alright,” I replied sadly. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to see me.”

“No!” replied Colin excitedly. “I enjoy my visits. I’ve asked my supervisor to cut back my schedule so I can spend more time with you.”

“Why?” I asked with a puzzled look. “I’m probably boring you to death.”

Colin reached out and patted my hand. “Not at all. I’m enjoying your stories. I’ve been waiting or two days to find out what happened between you and Bobby.”

I smiled and said, “You remembered.”

“Of course, I remembered. Now, what happened?”

I sighed and closed my eyes. I pictured my window and waited for Bobby to appear. Through a dense fog, Bobby’s face soon emerged. He was smiling at me the way he did when he pulled away from me the first time we kissed. Tears filled my eyes.

Colin asked worriedly, “Are you okay, Phil?”

“Yes,” I replied. “Sometimes it hurts to remember.” I sat up, looked at Colin and said, “Let me tell you about Bobby. Do you remember where I was?”

“You went to the movies with him and two girls,” he replied. “When he dropped you off at your house, he asked you to go to the movies with him the following week.”

“Ah, yes,” I said. “I remember. It was still summer, and I was working forty hours a week.”

“At a dollar twenty-five,” laughed Colin.

“Yes, at a dollar twenty-five. Bobby and I worked the same hours, so we got to see each other often. However, I was nervous to be around him. I kept wanting to take him to the back storeroom and rape him.” Colin laughed and called me a horndog.

“We did sneak away a few times, but we had to be careful. We would usually just sit on boxes and talk. I found out we had a lot in common. Like me, he enjoyed reading and listening to music. He blushed when I told him he looked like Paul McCartney.”

“I get that a lot,” he said. He told me I looked like Paul Anka. I was flattered because I had a crush on him back then. I played his album all the time.” Colin pulled out his phone and googled Paul Anka.

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “He was a hottie. He looked at the picture and then at me.

I laughed and said, “If you tell me that I did look like him, I’m going to call you a liar. There’s no way this old body looks anything like that.” Colin smiled and put his phone away.

“So, tell me more about Bobby.”

I closed my eyes and once again saw his smiling face. “All week long we had been playing this game. When we were alone and no one could see us, we would play this touching game.”

“Touching game?”

“Yes,” I smiled. If we were bagging groceries together, I would let my hand rest against his. He would do the same. If we were working together in the store, we would always be standing side by side. Occasionally, we would let our hands rub together. Nothing really bold in case someone was watching. By the time we left work on Friday night, our testosterone levels were off the chart.” Colin smiled and laughed.

“He asked me if I wanted to spend the night after the movies,” I said.

Colin leaned forward and said, “This is going to be good.”

“Yes,” I laughed. “We were both sixteen. What’s the term you young ones say today? Young and something.”

Colin leaned back and roared with laughter. “I think you want young, dumb and full of cum.”

“Yeah, that’s it,” I laughed. “And we were. We had to be careful, though. His parents were home, and he had a little brother who had a room right next to his. He could hear everything we did. And we did everything.”

“Damn,” hissed Colin. “I bet it was hot.”

“Let me just say,” I continued, “If I wasn’t sure I was gay before that night, I knew it afterwards. I guess you could say I lost my virginity that night. It was nothing like my experimentation with Jerry. We did it all. We started out sucking each other. Bobby said he had never done it before, but I didn’t believe him. He was too good to have never had a dick in his mouth.” Colin leaned back and laughed.

“When he said he wanted to fuck me, I was scared to death,” I admitted. “He snuck across the hall to the bathroom and came back with a jar of petroleum jelly. He rolled me on my back, and then he went down and started licking my ass. I swear to God, I saw stars that night. When he entered me, it hurt like a son of a bitch. But after a little while, I began to enjoy it. Bobby had to put his hand over my mouth to keep me from moaning.” I began to laugh. “When he came inside me, I almost bit that poor boy’s hand off.” Colin laughed, and I noticed that he reached down and rearranged himself. He was enjoying my story.

He asked, “Did you fuck him?”

“Not that night,” I replied, “But I did later. We got together off and on until we graduated high school. It was always at his home, though. It was too dangerous to do anything in my bedroom. If Dad had found out, he would have cut both our nuts off.”

“I bet,” replied Colin. “Were you in love with Bobby?”

I closed my eyes and pictured Bobby’s face. Love? I never considered what we did could be called love. It was so secretive that we really couldn’t display any emotions toward each other outside his bedroom. Did I love Bobby?

I opened my eyes and looked at Colin. “Did I love Bobby? I think I did. But back then, we couldn’t use the word. I never told him I loved him. It was like a game we were playing. We would push sex to the limit, but when it was over, it was like it was something we were supposed to forget. We rarely kissed each other. I think that was a bridge we couldn’t cross. If we kissed, it meant we loved each other.” I had to stop and wipe tears from my eyes. “You don’t understand how hard it was.”

“I think I do,” replied Colin. When I looked into his eyes, they were wet with tears, too.

“You’ve known then?” I asked. He nodded his head.

“My father is a lot like yours was,” he replied sadly. “He thinks men should be men, and women should be women. It’s like he grew up in the Dark Ages. In a way, I think it is more difficult to be gay today than it was in your day.”

I gave him a puzzled look and said, “That’s a strange thing to say. How could it be more difficult today?”

“Back in your day,” he said, “People didn’t talk about it. Everyone assumed that everyone was just straight.” I nodded my head, but I wasn’t following him. He brought his chair nearer to me. “Today there are gay people everywhere. They are on television, and they work in the stores where we shop. You can hardly walk down the street today without seeing a couple of guys or girls holding hands.”

“How can that be bad?” I asked. “It just helps people to come out easier.”

A sad expression appeared on his face. “What if we don’t want to? What if we feel safe in the closet?” He shook his head sadly. “Everyone is always looking for “signs.” He held up his hands and made quotation marks. “I’ve noticed my parents watch a show where there is a gay character. Then, they look over at me and stare. I know what they are thinking. Why is Colin twenty-three and still single? He never goes on a date. I’m just waiting for them to ask me someday if I am gay.”

I asked, “What is so wrong about being gay?”

He rose from his chair and started pacing around me. “I don’t know,” he said as he brushed his hair back. I guess I’m a lot like you were. I am afraid of people finding out I’m gay. I’m just afraid my life will change too much. I like things the way they are now.”

“Do you?” I asked. “Don’t you get lonely sometimes?”

Tears welled up in his eyes as he sat down. “I get lonely all the time.”

“Have you ever loved anyone?”

Colin lifted his head and stared me in the eyes. “Yes,” he replied. “Once. But that was several years ago.”

“Was it a boy?”

“Yes,” he admitted as tears filled his eyes. “It was a boy.”

“Tell me about it.”

He sat quietly for several minutes with his eyes closed. Then, he rose and started walking away. “I’m going to get us something to drink,” he said as he headed for the building.

I sat and thought about what Colin had said. It was true. It doesn’t matter what era you live in, coming out is difficult. I had seen it all my life as a counselor. There is a Coming Out Day when people are encouraged to come out. I even helped many of my students come out. But for some, it wasn’t an option. There were environmental situations that made it difficult. Most are afraid because they fear rejection from family and friends. Others, like Colin, felt that their life might be turned upside down and changed forever. Change isn’t easy, especially when there are obstacles blocking the way. I’m sitting here now telling him how difficult my life was. How can I just assume that things are easier for him?

He returned a few minutes later with two coffee mugs. He walked over and handed me one. He then took his seat in his chair. He was quiet for several minutes before he began to speak again. “Have I ever loved anyone?” I smiled and nodded my head. “Yes, his name was Isaac.”

“Where do I begin?” he sighed. “I met Isaac during my sophomore year of high school. We had known each other for several years because we had shared many classes together. I admired him from a distance. He never gave me any indication that he was gay, but I still enjoyed being with him. We grew really close that year because we joined the debate team.”

“He was a good debater. I would sit in the front row and watch him. The best times were when we got to prepare for a debate. Sometimes we would stay after school for two hours with our advisor. We were never alone, so I didn’t have to worry about doing or saying something I shouldn’t.”

I watched as Colin gazed off across the lawn. Like me, I think he was picturing Isaac because he smiled slightly as he turned back to me and continued his story. “In the spring, we were invited to participate in a state tournament. This was the year after Bill graduated. Forty-six other schools would be competing. It was a three-day event, and we were assigned a roommate to share a hotel room.” Colin smiled broadly and said, “The gods were good to me. Isaac and I shared a room.”

I laughed and said, “I bet that did make you happy.”

“I was nervous as hell when we checked in,” he said. “When we arrived at the room, I completely forgot why we were there. To make matters worse, Isaac stripped down to his underwear when we got there and changed into a sweatsuit. His body was well-developed. Isaac was Jewish, and he was rather hairy. He was just a little taller than me with curly black hair and dark brown eyes. I always admired him, but seeing him nearly naked, I fell in love with him.”

“I bet you did,” I smiled. “And you called me a horndog.”

“We didn’t compete until the next morning,” he continued, “so the chaperones had planned activities for us in the conference room. Most of them were games like Trivial Pursuit and Charades. Isaac and I were partners in all the games. We had a really great time. Isaac was extremely smart, and we beat out most of our competitors.”

“We went back to our room around ten. I can’t tell you how nervous I was. I had been staring at him all night, and I got the feeling he was doing the same to me. I began to think that he might be gay because he didn’t interact with anyone but me. Several girls begged him to be their partner, but he politely turned them down. I guess I was feeling hopeful that things might turn out for us.”

I asked, “I’m assuming that they did?”

Colin smiled and said, “Yes. I was so scared when we were alone in the room. I remembered what happened the year before with Bill. But things turned out completely different.”

I raised an eyebrow and asked, “And?”

Colin laughed and continued his story. “We were both nervous when we undressed for bed. I told Isaac I was going to take a shower. Nervously, I removed my clothing, but I left my underwear on. He lay on his bed and watched me. My legs were so weak, I could hardly make it to the bathroom. When I got out of the shower, Isaac knocked on the door. I wrapped a towel around me and opened the door.”

Colin said excitedly, “Isaac was naked! He asked if I was finished, and I stepped aside, and he walked into the bathroom with me. I thought I was going to die. I watched as he entered the shower. The door was glass, so I could see him as he turned on the shower. My dick was starting to get hard. He looked at the outline of it poking through the towel and smiled. I froze and couldn’t move. He turned on the water and began to soap his body. He kept looking at me to see if I was watching. He then began to soap his dick. I started to harden. He wasn’t as big as me, but he still had about five and a half inches.

“He looked down at my towel and nodded. I knew what he wanted me to do. I slowly unwrapped the towel from around my waist and let it fall to the floor. He smiled and looked up into my eyes. He then reached for the shower door and opened it. He held out his hand, and I reached for his hand, and he helped me into the shower.

“Isaac moaned as he pulled me into his wet body. We began to run our hands over each other’s body. When our lips touched, I swear I could hear fireworks going off in the shower.”

“I’m sure that’s not the only thing that went off,” I laughed.

Colin sat back and smiled. “I can’t believe I’m telling you all this.” His face began to redden. He looked off into the distance and added, “It seems like it happened only yesterday.”

“Tell me more,” I insisted.

“I won’t go into detail what we did that night,” he grinned. “You’ve been with enough men to figure that out.”

I was curious, so I asked. “Did you lose your virginity?”

His face reddened as he admitted, “I lost everything that night. I can’t believe how wonderful it was. Isaac was the perfect lover.”

“Lover?” I asked. “So, you became lovers?”

“Yes,” replied Colin. “We saw each until we graduated.”

“What about the competition? Did you win it?”

“Of course,” he laughed. “We kicked ass.”

“You said you didn’t come out in high school,” I reminded him. “How were you able to be lovers without others knowing?”

“It wasn’t easy,” he replied. “Isaac’s family was very religious. He attended synagogue several times a week. His father would let him come to my house on Sundays so we could prepare for upcoming debates. He would spend the night, and then ride with me to school.”

“How did you keep it from your family?”

“My parents liked Isaac,” he replied. “I don’t think they ever suspected that anything was going on. We were very careful to never show any affection when we were in the house.” His face reddened as he added, “Well, except late at night. My bedroom was on the other side of the house from my parents, so they couldn’t hear anything once they went to bed. I had twin beds. I would wait about an hour, and then I would sneak over and crawl into bed with him. We had to be really careful that we didn’t make any noise.”

“You say this went on for two years?” I asked. “You guys were good at hiding your feelings.”

“I know,” he replied sadly. “I wish we could have had an open relationship. It just wasn’t possible. We talked several times about telling a few of our friends, but we decided it was best if we didn’t. Isaac was terrified of his family finding out, and I just wasn’t ready.”

“What happened to Isaac?”

Colin looked away, and tears welled up in his eyes. “He went off to a university in another state. I visited him once, but it just wasn’t the same. He was dating a girl. I wanted to have sex with him, but he said he didn’t want to cheat on her. When I left the next day, I knew it was over between us.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I had that happen to me, so I know how much it hurts.”

“I don’t understand it,” replied Colin as tears welled up in his eyes. “When we had sex, he always told me he loved me. I was in love with him. Then, he goes off to college, and he wants to act like nothing ever happened.” I watched as he wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He looked over and asked, “Why, Phil?”

“I don’t have an answer,” I replied. “Just do what I did.”

“What?”

“Be glad it happened,” I responded sadly. “Cherish the moments you had together. You grew from it, and you learned from it. Some people live their whole lives without experiencing what you did. And maybe the next time,” I added, “You’ll be better prepared.”

“I suppose,” he replied.

I looked over at the entrance, and I saw Ms. Sullivan heading our way. She smiled and said, “There you are, Phil. Where have you been? I was worried when you didn’t return from therapy.”

I replied, “I’ve been getting fresh air with my friend, Colin.” She looked over at him. “Colin is visiting me often.”

She nodded at him. “Mr. Maxwell mentioned it to me.” She held out her hand and shook Colin’s hand. “I’m glad someone can put up with this grumpy old man.”

“Hey!” I replied excitedly. “This grumpy old man is paying your salary.”

She walked over and patted me on my shoulder. “I know, Phil. I was just kidding you. It surprised me when she leaned down and kissed me on my forehead. “You know I love you.”

Colin laughed and said, “Does your husband know?”

“He wouldn’t care if he found out,” she replied sadly. Colin glanced quickly at me.

I asked Ms. Sullivan, “How is everything going with your son?”

“Stanley?” she asked. I nodded my head. She sighed and replied sadly, “I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Colin looked at me and asked, “What’s going on?”

I looked at Ms. Sullivan, and she nodded her head. “She has a fifteen-year-old son who is becoming quite rebellious. He’s giving her a lot of problems.”

She cried, “He didn’t come home until after midnight last night. We got into a horrible fight.”

I asked, “What did your husband say?”

“What he always does,” she responded. “Boys will be boys.” She wiped tears from her eyes. “He’s going to have a boy in jail one day.”

Colin asked, “Would you like me to talk to him?” Ms. Sullivan gave him a skeptical look. He smiled and said, “I’m a therapy counselor.” He looked over at me. “That’s why I’m here to see Phil.”

“Stanley would never agree to counseling,” she insisted. “I tried to get the school counselor involved, and he protested rather violently.”

Colin replied, “He doesn’t have to know. Perhaps one day, you can bring him to work with you. I’ll try to talk to him without him knowing who I am. Maybe then I can give you some helpful tips how to deal with him.”

Ms. Sullivan replied sadly, “I think it’s too late for talk. He won’t listen to anyone anymore.”

“It’s worth a shot,” said Colin. Ms. Sullivan thanked him and said she had to do her rounds. She said she would see me later.

Colin looked at his watch and said, “I should be going. I’ve enjoyed our talk today. Thanks for the advice.”

I laughed and said, “I thought you were supposed to be counseling me?”

“You don’t need counseling,” he replied. “I do. I need your help dealing with my life.” He rose and started to push my wheelchair towards the building. Once inside my room, he helped me into bed.

“The next time I visit,” he said, “I want to hear about the rest of your high school days. I love your stories.” He thought a minute and asked, “Did you have proms back then.”

I clutched my chest and groaned, “Oh, my god, no, I attended a one-room schoolhouse. We only had three students in my grade level.”

“I’m sorry,” apologized Colin. “I really don’t know how things were back then.”

“It wasn’t that long ago,” I reminded him. “And yes, we had a prom.”

“Good,” he smiled. “I want to hear all about it.” He turned and left the room. I looked over at the window and saw red and white balloons and streamers.