Heckle Me Not (Lest Ye Die - Laughing) - Prologue. Prologue - Do Apprentice Plumbers Only Install Toilets?

I’m Prentiss Plummer, and I will always remember the first day of second grade. Not that they’re pleasant memories. Mark Dent made sure of that. No sooner than did the teacher, Ms. Spain call out my name, Mark had a comment. It was quite lame, but that’s to be expected from seven-year-old boys.

Quietly, to his desk-mate, but loud enough for me to hear, he lifted his feet, and said, “Lift your feet, Timmy, there’s pee-pee right next to me.”

And my nickname was born. It wasn’t until seventh grade before another boy actually used my first name. But we’ll get there. There are a few more grade school memories I need to share first.

The taunts were verbal and three quarters of them spewed forth from Mark’s mouth. Around two months later, Mark had an audience and took advantage of it.

“Hey, Pee-Pee, I have a riddle for you.”

“I don’t want to hear it dented-head.”

“What’s the only job Prentiss Plummers are allowed to do?”

“Dent your head more than it is?”

“No. They can only install toilets, coz they’re prentisses.”

“I bet it took you two whole months to think that one up. But now I get why they used your mouth as a toilet model.”

“Eat me.”

“I don’t have my gherkin fork on me. Another time maybe.”

Mark looked around, saw no teachers looking and punched me in the arm. I’m pretty sure he stuck out a knuckle, because I had a nasty bruise when I took off my shirt after school. It was only half the size of a dime, maybe less, but it was already blue.

Like a bad penny, Mark kept showing up in my class. Third grade, his highlight sass was, “Put your toilet lid down. We don’t need to see your pee-pee.”

Fourth grade, apparently Mark learned to write. Oh, I had no proof, but after two years of torment, I had no doubt. I heard about it first, before I saw it for myself. There were three boy’s bathrooms in our school. Well, not counting the ones in the kindergarten classrooms. All the rest had two stalls and a urinal. Above them all was graffiti and an arrow pointing down:

‘Inspected by Pee-Pee number 1.’

Nobody was sure who did it, so Mark didn’t get in trouble for it.

Just after fifth grade ended, the abuse turned physical. My parents previously insisted I join Cub Scouts. Thankfully, it was my last year. Mark was in the troop and would be again if I continued with Boy Scouts. I figured at eleven I’d finally stand up to my parents and refuse to go. However, I never needed to do that.

The first weekend after school let out for the summer, the troop went to a campground. Four kids and one adult to a cabin. Guess who was one of the other three kids in my cabin? I suppose guessing isn’t necessary.

Anyway, it was about twenty minutes after lights out on the last night and I was just falling asleep. Mr. Dent happened to be the parent in our cabin. Lucky me, huh? Mark must have heard his dad snoring, because he slowly and quietly climbed off his bunk. I was lucky he didn’t have the bunk above mine, Lord knows what would have hit me, if so. He walked over to my bunk and put one hand over my mouth and the other on my chest, fully waking me up. I saw he was naked and got worried, but I couldn’t move. I quickly discovered why he was naked when the piss started hitting me on the neck. He apparently didn’t mind pissing on his own hand, because he surprised me and turned toward my face. I didn’t react fast enough and he hit me in the eye. Man, did that burn. You can’t know how thankful I was that he was covering my mouth.

When he finished, he leaned down and whispered, “Make a sound and I crush your nuts.”

I hadn’t realized until then that his right hand was now on my lower belly, mere inches from the threatened point of my anatomy. Needless to say, I wasn’t fond of crushed nuts, so I was quieter than I ever was at church.

His closing remark was, “I didn’t think you’d mind my pee, since all you are is Pee-Pee.”

Apparently, he thought that was clever, since he snorted a little before he wiped his pee-soaked hand on my hair.

That was my breaking point. When I got home, I told my parents what happened. I left out who did it because that probably would have gotten me a beating, courtesy one Mark Dent. I never went back to Cub Scouts after that. Mom wouldn’t let me. Needless to say, I didn’t complain at all.

Mark’s torments continued in sixth grade. By that point in time, I had learned two things. One was to have a snappy comeback for him whenever possible. The second was to ignore him every time number one wasn’t the case. The first would turn out to be useful when I got to be an adult.

Like I’ll never forget day one of second grade, I’ll never forget the first day of seventh grade. It was a new school, and would have three times the number of students. I was terrified. No, anxious may be more accurate. Hell, both probably applied. I was just waiting for someone from my old school to share my nickname with the kids I didn’t know. That feeling lasted about three and a half hours. We had different classrooms and different teachers for each subject, except for what they called “block.” That consisted of English, spelling, reading, creative writing, and anything else the school thought would be related. Mark wasn’t in any of my morning classes. Not seeing him ended at lunchtime.

There was this one boy, Ned Blatty, in my block and math classes. We said hello to each other and were otherwise friendly, but nothing happened in those two classes to lead me to believe we’d be close friends. He had lunch at the same time. As I later found out, he wasn’t just in a new school like the rest of us, he was new in town as well. When he asked if he could eat with me, I saw no reason to say no, so I waved at the empty chair next to mine. Not even ten seconds after he put his tray down, he started to become my new best friend. Okay, my only best friend.

I heard a familiar voice, “You don’t want to sit next to him, you’ll get Pee-Pee all over your food.”

Ned had no idea what Mark meant, “Whatever are you babbling about?”

Pointing at me, “Him. He’s Pee-Pee.”

“What are you, in second grade?”

I giggled, thinking that kind of ironic because that’s when I met Mark.

“No, dipshit. Seventh.”

“Could have fooled me. Most seventh-graders would probably say urine. Or if they’re not very polite, say piss.”

“No he’s just Pee-Pee.”

Ned turned to look at me, then back at Mark.

“I don’t see the resemblance. You, however, do resemble a pile of shit. Go flush yourself down a toilet. Or better yet, find a garden and fertilize it.”

“Watch it jerk, if you know what’s good for you.”

“I know plenty of things that are good for me, fruits, vegetables, fresh air. And leaving a pile of shit alone is very good for me, so go find yourself a toilet and pretend you’re back at home.”

I had to hide a smile after that one. I ended up using it occasionally on stage.

“I’ll see you someday after school, then we’ll see who is a pile of shit.”

Mark moved on and sat down at a table with a number of his asshole friends.

I warned Ned, “You shouldn’t have done that. He’s pretty tough.”

Ned looked at Mark one more time, “He doesn’t scare me. But why PP?”

“They’re my initials. Prentiss Plummer.”

“Pleased to officially meet you Prentiss. I’m Ned Blatty.”

“Yeah, I caught that in block. Any relation to the guy that wrote ‘The Exorcist,’ William Paul Blatty?”

“William Peter, and yes. Second cousin twice removed.”

“Huh?”

“He and my grandfather had the same great-grandfather. They were second cousins. One of each of their parents were first cousins, a grandparent, brothers. He was two generations older than me. Second cousins are what he and my grandfather were, he and I are two generations apart, which is the twice removed.”

“Um. Okay. I think I followed that.”

“It probably doesn’t matter. It’s on the verge of being a distant relative. Are you any relation to the actor, Christopher Plummer?”

“Not that I know of.”

“You may be, but perhaps the direct link is too many generations back for anyone alive today to know it.”

“Maybe.”

“I’m new in town. I don’t know many other kids yet. Do you want to come over to my house after school?”

“I would, but I’d have to check in with my parents first.”

Just then the end-of-period bell rang.

“We have to go. Tomorrow, maybe?”

“Sure, I’ll ask.”

“Splendid.”

Did he really just say ‘splendid?’ I picked up my tray and walked with him to the drop-off point.

Ned ended up being in my History and Phys Ed classes too. He lived pretty close to me, so I was able to get his address. I’d need that to get an okay from mom. Dad wouldn’t care, he’d be happy I had a new friend. Almost everyone I knew called me Pee-Pee, so I didn’t consider them friends. Only one geeky kid didn’t call me that, but ‘Plum’ wasn’t a whole lot better. It was too closely related to fruit. So, we weren’t really close either. I got on the bus and saw Ned. He didn’t notice me right away, due to his looking out the window. I was slightly below average height, and he was half a head taller than pretty much everyone else in seventh grade. Okay, I was a pip-squeak, hence the occasional reference to fruit around me. Plus, it’s hard to miss his Rupert Grint-like red hair.

I stopped at his row and sat down next to him, startling him when I spoke, “You weren’t on this bus this morning, were you?”

“Oh, Prentiss, hi. No. My mother brought me in this morning. For some reason she needed to know EXACTLY where the school was located. I take it you live somewhere near me?”

“Yeah, three stops further if the bus stops at your street.”

“It does. That is tremendous. Perhaps we may tarry at each other’s homes often.”

“Tarry? Um, yeah, we can hang together.”

I’m starting to wonder about Ned. Maybe he was just brought up to talk like that. Splendid, tremendous, tarry? I don’t think I’d ever heard another kid my age use even two of those words in the same contexts. Just before we stopped at his street, he hit me with another.

“I shall see you on the morrow, yes?”

“Um. Yeah. See ya tomorrow.”

I would see him many times on the morrow. After visiting his house the next day, we pretty much became inseparable for a few years.

The next day, I got off at his bus stop and we started walking to his house. Just as we got there, my nemesis showed up. How and why were two things I wondered. I never found out the how, but the why became evident almost immediately.

"Okay wise-ass. Time to turn you into a pile of shit."

"Grow up, Mark. First you call Prentiss a name a baby would use, and now you want to fight. I'm not playing your game. Come on Prentiss, let's go."

Mark stepped in front of Ned, "He's not going anywhere, and neither are you."

"You bore me. We'll be departing now."

Ned stared down at Mark for a few seconds, stepped to one side, and walked right past him. Mark didn't budge an inch. I turned around a few steps later, and Mark still hadn't moved.

"What the hell was that?"

"What?"

"You stare at him and all of a sudden he's frozen in place?"

"He'll thaw out in a couple minutes, then wonder how we disappeared."

"What?"

"Call it a kind of hypnosis. You really don't need to worry about it. Or him anymore, for that matter."

We continued into Ned's house, it was one of the largest houses in the area. He had a number of game consoles, a huge-ass TV, and all sorts of game tables. Foosball, air hockey, billiards. I was going to like being his friend. At least I thought so at the time.

Mark wasn't in school the next day. Actually, Mark never came back to school. By the end of the week, I made a pest of myself with Ned, asking exactly what he did. His answer didn't surprise me, but I didn't believe it either.

"I did nothing to him. Maybe his family decided to move. I told you. Don't worry about it."

On Saturday, I checked recent articles in the local paper. I couldn't quite understand what I'd read. Mark had basically disappeared without a trace.

So, I told you all some of the stuff that happened when I was a kid because it has importance in my adult life. I should close the book on Mark Dent before moving on to adulthood, though. Mark was finally found a few blocks away a month later. He had no explanation as to how he got there, or what happened in the intervening time. He was actually surprised that a month had gone by. He thought it was the same day. As far as he remembered, he got off his bus, headed home, and then he was elsewhere. When he did finally accept he'd been in some kind of limbo for a month, he pretty much lost the rest of his marbles.

Last I heard he was still a patient in a psychiatric hospital. As far as I know, it was his fourth. No doctors were ever able to get through to him. He finally ended up catatonic. He could stand, walk around, feed, clothe, and go to the toilet himself, but otherwise, he was just... gone. I didn’t get an explanation from Ned while we were in school together. But that was the only strange thing that happened around him while we were still in school together.

Next Up - “A Career Begins Slowly”