Heckle Me Not (Lest Ye Die - Laughing) - 4. The Final Targets

Ned spent the next week trying to get enough information to set up an attempt at Wei and still had been unsuccessful. We decided we needed to separate and each attempt one of the two remaining targets. There was a fund-raising dinner for Masters in six days. That would cut our remaining time in half if we were unsuccessful up to that point. But we had very little choice. It took a few days, but I was able to purchase two seats at the dinner for fifty thousand dollars apiece and traveled to Los Angeles. I checked in at the hotel where the dinner was planned, got checked out by leaders of Masters' political party, and waited the remaining three days until the dinner. Since I'd never been to LA before, I took in the sights. Knowing I was being monitored, being a new supporter, I did nothing suspicious. It's not like I needed to buy a gun or anything.

Monday night came. Ned was on his way to China with a very loose plan in place. By the time he arrived, he'd only have four days to release Wei before he pushed the button. Relations between the U.S. and China were at an all-time low, so the possibility of that button getting pushed was growing by the minute. NORAD had raised the threat level and was at DEFCON-2. The rest of the world was anxious, to say the least.

I walked into the ballroom and presented my tickets, indicating that my partner fell ill and was unable to attend. They gracefully took back the ticket but didn't offer a refund. Not that I expected one. I was led to a table in the second row from the dais. I could have gotten closer, but at one-hundred-thousand dollars per ticket, we didn't have any time to waste obtaining more cash. I introduced myself to my table mates, using my real name of course; Laughs Luthor had been laid to rest quite some time before. The other four people at the table were high ranking businessmen and their spouses. I'd never even heard of the companies they ran. Dinner was served, Masters gave a speech, and the crowd obviously cheered.

After he completed the speech, the secret service created a wall of bodies between the second and third rows. Apparently, twenty-five thousand dollars apiece wasn't sufficient to garner a handshake from POTUS. Or maybe there were just too many supporters at that level. After shaking the hands of the rich and famous in row one, Masters moved to our row. There were four tables set for six each, with the one empty seat at ours. We'd be the third of the four tables to greet the President. I had decided to wait until Masters was shaking the last hand at the fourth table before doing my magic. At least that's what it always felt like to me. Anyway, the people paid a lot of money for the privilege, may as well let them take advantage. Since I'd be close enough to do practically anything, Ned and I had agreed that I'd create and blow an aneurysm in his head, causing him enough brain damage to take him out of the picture, but not kill him immediately. While he was shaking the hands at the second and fourth tables, I was essentially filling up a balloon in his head. As soon as he let go of the last hand, I blew it up.

Masters lost all control, falling to the floor in a heap. He was immediately surrounded by agents. The unfortunate woman who had just shaken Masters' hand, and her husband, were detained. I hadn't expected that, but after thinking about it for a moment, I realized the Secret Service would have no choice but to immediately detain the last people to touch him. Also what I didn't count on is everyone else in the first two rows being detained until everyone was checked again. I'm sure the supposition was a fast acting poison. It wasn't until an hour later that the remaining agents got the word it was a burst aneurysm, and we were all allowed to leave. Unfortunately for Masters, I made the balloon too large and he had expired on the way to the hospital. Considering he would have been a contributor to the end of the world, I thought it was no great loss. Harsh, I know, but like Ned had indicated, it was a mercy killing, or rather, release.

By then, it was four PM in Beijing. Ned would have been in place to eliminate Wei by the time I got out of the ballroom at one AM. Whatever plan Ned had in place could have been in progress at the time, so I didn't try to call him. Either by phone or telepathically. If he wasn't in the middle of things, he would hear the news.

Wei apparently heard the news, went back into hiding, and decided he'd take advantage of the confusion in the U.S. He began planning to launch his missiles at a number of strategic targets.

Two hours later I was awakened from a deep sleep by Ned's voice in my head, 'PRENTISS, WAKE UP!'

'Ned?'

'Oh, thank God. You need to get out of the continental U.S. Wei plans on attacking tomorrow. We fucked up royally. Wei's in hiding. Well, at least not always visible. The word isn't out among the Chinese public, but the insiders say he plans on making a public announcement tomorrow just before he launches the missiles. I may not be able to get close enough to stop him.'

I turned on the TV to see if there was any news. Apparently, Wei kept his cards close to the vest. If people outside China knew, the news would be on every channel.

'Oh, God. Over three hundred million people could die. Nothing on the news. They don't even know what's coming.'

'You can't worry about them. Get on a flight to Hawaii. We still may be destroyed along with our Ka, but if you stay, you'll likely get fried like everybody else. What I got from his team is the targets are a half dozen nuclear power stations and six of the largest cities, including Washington D.C. Even Canada and Mexico will be affected by the fallout, maybe more.'

'Okay. I'm booking a flight now. Keep trying to get close enough.'

'I will, one way or another.'

I didn't like the sound of that, but I knew Ned would sacrifice himself to save millions, if not billions or even trillions of Ka themselves. I figured I had a whole day, since it was already tomorrow in China. Hell, at almost three AM, it was tomorrow here too. But I still booked a seat on the first morning flight to Hawaii. More sightseeing for me if the shit hit the fan.

Before my flight, I stopped at a branch of our bank. Thankfully we used one with offices in most of the states. I withdrew six thousand dollars, that was all the bank would spare in cash. They wanted to have funds available for other customers. I couldn't tell them within a few hours, they may not have a lot of customers. They may not even be bankers any longer. L.A. was the second largest city in the U.S. I'm sure there was a big fat target over the city somewhere. I wasn't worried about charging the first-class seat on my AmEx. If the bombs flew, I wouldn't need to pay it, and if they didn't, we'd just visit Vegas and rebuild our bankrolls.

Around two PM, my local time, I got a head-to-head message from Ned.

'It's seven AM, I'm up to stalk Wei for another day. If I get a chance to release him, I will, so I have to stay focused. Where are you?'

'Somewhere over the Pacific, still a couple hundred miles from Honolulu. I think I'm in Alaska Standard Time.'

'Okay. I'll touch base when I can. After you land, just stay glued to the news. I haven't heard a peep here yet. It could be a total surprise if the missiles start flying.'

'Shouldn't we call someone?'

'And tell them what? The elders on Megrez Four know the world, or at least the U.S. will end in four days. How quick do you think they'll be at our doors with straitjackets?'

'Yeah. Good point.'

'I'll be in touch.'

My head went blank for a second. Ned had broken contact. I used the plane's Wi-Fi to see what the requirements were to go to Beijing. It was a thirteen-hour flight from Honolulu, which would still leave me a few days, but I would need a visa. Not much chance of getting one of those from the U.S. right now, even if I had the time. Ned was on his own.

Wednesday came and went. Ned reported his lack of success, sounding depressed and beaten. That sounds weird, considering our communication was telepathic, but emotions were shared in those communications. I guess it was tele-empathic. Anyway, all I could do was stay somewhere I could watch the news. Funny, sports bars didn't often have the news up on any of their televisions. I spent a lot of time in the hotel lobby and my room, anxiously awaiting Armageddon.

Thursday was not much better. Ned had eyes on Wei for a few seconds, but by the time he could start doing anything, he was out of sight. Two days to go. I was as nervous as I was before my first stand-up appearance. It seemed like a lifetime ago but was less than three years.

There was a little hope on Friday. Ned caught another glimpse of Wei and started to expand his heart. Wei stumbled, fell, and was again out of sight. Ned knew he was still alive when his entourage surrounded him and walked away. Tomorrow was the big day. All or nothing.

Ned was up at the crack of dawn on Saturday, which was still my Friday, him being eighteen hours ahead, although it was a little after noon for me. He'd gleaned that zero hour would be eight PM that day, Beijing time. Just wonderful, five AM in New York, two AM in Los Angeles. Ninety percent of the country would be asleep if Ned was unsuccessful, when the bombs started flying. At fifteen thousand miles per hour, in less than a half hour the world could be irrevocably changed. I was never big on prayer before, but with less than fourteen hours to go, I prayed my ass off.

Fortunately, Ned caught a break. Wei was a little too cocky, because at six PM Beijing time, he made a public appearance, announcing that in two hours, China would attack the United States. Obviously, the news traveled fast. Washington had the information in minutes and began preparations for defensive action. Once they were launched, the U.S. military would have roughly ten minutes to program our missiles to intercept China's before they reached the atmosphere, and fallout would become a problem. The destruction of the missiles had to occur in space.

Ned was present in Tiananmen Square when Wei made the announcement. The English translation of his very short speech was as follows:

"People of China. Today is the greatest day ever in our history. In two hours, China will launch twelve intercontinental ballistic missiles at the United States. By eight-thirty, China will be the world's greatest super po..."

Wei collapsed, his heart in pieces within his chest. Ned was successful in eliminating Mùchén Wei. Unfortunately, Ned was just a little too far away for his success to not come at a cost. At twelve-oh-three PM on Friday, I received a message from Megrez Four's highest ranking elder.

'Prentiss Plummer, your mission has been successful. It is with deep regret that I must tell you that Nedzemdalark's Ka was released from its shell. The Ned Blatty you knew is no more. Nedzemdalark's Ka will be in stasis for a short period before he will be able to communicate once again. You and your brother are heroes and will eternally be remembered as such in the annals of Megrezian society and that of three thousand one hundred and twelve other enlightened species. The council of elders have estimated that approximately fourteen point two trillion Ka were saved by your actions, in addition to the approximately four hundred and twenty-five million in the U.S., Canada, and Mexico that would have been destroyed. Nedzemdalark and Magninadulk Calpatdinoc, from this moment forward, have become. When your shell can no longer protect your Ka, it will be transported back to Megrez Four and remain as a Midevolve for all of eternity, unless one day you become elders yourselves. The nine hundred forty-nine trillion plus Ka, thank you.'

'Magninadulk Calpatdinoc?'

'That is your true name.'

'And Ned was my brother?'

'Nedzemdalark IS your brother. Only the human Ned Blatty is no more. Nedzemdalark remains. We look forward to seeing you again in two point seven-two-eight of your years. Goodbye.'

'Wait!'

But the elder was gone. Ned never taught me how to make contact with the elders myself. While I knew Ned's essence was still "alive," I still cried over his loss. And apparently, I'd just been informed that Prentiss Plummer will cease to be in less than three years. It didn't yet, but it would suck to know when the moment of my death was coming, and I could do nothing about it.

With the two-hour warning, the U.S. military was able to destroy all twelve missiles while they were still in space. Wei had made secondary plans so no matter what, the missiles would be launched. Without the early warning, the U.S. would be no more. I was happy we succeeded but was saddened by Ned's death. I hoped the short period Ned would be in stasis would also be considered short from a human perspective. I also realized that my life as Prentiss Plummer currently had no purpose, no direction. I had some thinking to do.

**********************************

I spent another three days in Honolulu, essentially just going through the motions. My best friend and brother was dead, and I had nowhere I needed to be. I finally decided that I'd continue in my life as a benefactor to the United States, nay, the world. I booked a flight to Las Vegas, booked a week at Caesar's Palace Hotel, which was all my AmEx could support, and became a professional poker player. For the next three months, I bounced from casino to casino, liberating rich men and women from a portion of their funds. In those three months I made just over a million dollars. I put forty percent away for Uncle Sam's taxes, gave another forty percent to various charities. I figured two-hundred thousand dollars would be enough to live on every quarter. Ninety days after helping to avoid the end of the world, I received a tele-epmathic call.

'Hello Mag.'

"NED!!!??'

'Yes. My time in stasis is over. I have been informed by the elders of our elevation and look forward to being with you again when your time on Earth is done.'

'Nine-hundred and six days, if my calculation is correct.'

'It is. If I had not been in stasis, I would have warned the elders to not specify when your return to Megrez Four will be. I hope when the time comes, you will not be too distraught.'

'I'll be scared, I'm sure on that day, but knowing we'll be together again will ease the strain.'

'I am truly sorry I was not completely successful. I would have liked to try fucking with you. I must wait until we can merge upon your return. That will be so much more pleasurable than a human fuck.'

'I'll take your word for it.'

'I would have the opportunity to merge with other Midevolves, but I wish to wait for you before I give myself that pleasure.'

'Thanks. But you don't have to suffer for another two and a half years. Go ahead and merge.'

'Ah, that is correct, you do not understand. Merging is permanent. We will be as one forever. Two separate entities eternally tied together.'

'You'd better hope I don't start to hate you after a millennium or two.'

'Ha. That will not be possible. There is no such thing as hate among Midevolves, or pure Ka for that matter. The enlightened species have eliminated that emotion from our deepest selves. That is one reason we spend so much effort on helping other species learn. It will take a few centuries, but we have hope that humans will become enlightened as well.'

'I'd love to see that.'

'You will. It is a joyous occasion when a species becomes enlightened. It doesn't happen nearly often enough. There are two or three ahead of humans on the track to enlightenment, but we are confident humans will get there eventually. I must go now, but I will be in touch with you periodically. Kantiklogog, Magninadulk.'

'Kantiklogog, Nedzemdalark.'

I didn't know that word before Ned said it. But I knew at once it meant love and good luck to you.

Over the next two and a half years, I had earned nearly seven hundred million dollars. The day before my prophesied death, I gave my remaining one-hundred-twenty-four million to the American Cancer Society and the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). Cancer was nearly eradicated, and I hoped the additional eighty million would put humanity over the top. Forty-four million would save a lot of animals.

The next day: my last day as Prentiss Plummer, I was in a fast-food restaurant getting lunch. I won't say which to not embarrass the chain. A young man walked in with an AR-94, at the time the most dangerous of all assault rifles. In less than eight seconds, everyone in the restaurant had been shot. Seventeen died immediately. My shell survived long enough to explode the shooter's head. Damn, that was messy, but he deserved it. Prentiss Plummer expired and I, or rather, my Ka, was immediately transported to Megrez Four. Six humans, including my shell, expired within minutes of the shooting. Three more expired within a day, and thirteen survived and continued their lives. Watching the release of the Ka of the other twenty-two fatalities was like a religious experience. A mist rose from each of their bodies and each cloud went in a different direction. Each one returning to its homeland, as I was returned to Megrez Four.

I had a moment with Nedzemdalark, a number of Midevolves, and the six elders. Once again I received congratulations. My Ka was placed in stasis for the requisite ninety human days. But it felt like a moment to me. I awoke in a new body, humanoid, covered with bright orange fur, and with two extra arms. Apparently I had also been turned into a torgane. Upon inspection of my new body, I discovered I had three of what were essentially vaginas, and one penis. Nedzemdalark was a torgon, with the exact number of opposite genitalia.

I soon learned what merging was. Human sex was nothing compared to the feelings, sensations, and pleasure of merging. Sorry If I don't explain it further. You are not yet enlightened. You couldn’t possibly understand.

The End