Ralph: Breaking free - 9. A party and panic

"No Daddy, not there."

"Silly Daddy."

"Sorry loves. Daddy's had a busy day."

The twins were not impressed, whatever sort of day Daddy had had, he was supposed to pay attention to them. They were playing a board game, based on an old super-hero film. A few weeks back, he had popped into one of the local charity shops, twins in tow, to see if they had any casual clothes for him, stuff it didn't matter ruining when rough-housing in the park with his daughters. The girls had soon got bored helping him look for clothes, and whilst he continued looking, the twins had found the game and insisted on buying it, had learned the rules and taught Ralph. It was violent and unsuitable, and the girls loved it.

Today, Ralph had been entirely unable to concentrate; the events of the previous night and the morning, the knowledge that he would see Nolan again next week, Nolan's promise that he would fuck Ralph, Ralph's knowledge that he would not prevent that happening, that he could not deny it. He was excited, anxious, distracted and, fuck it all, just didn’t know what to think. But life had to go on, and Ralph knew that he would do nothing, would simply wait for next week to happen.

Both men were subdued at football, and Ralph didn’t quite know how to deal with it. Seeing Nolan again in such a different circumstance, but the twins were eager, and it was difficult to remain aloof. Ralph tried for civilised friendliness when he said hello to Norton but kept getting flashes of what they’d got up to together on Thursday and the way the guy had smiled wryly at him, Ralph suspected that Nolan felt the same. His ‘see you next week’ when Ralph collected the girls took on an entirely new meaning and Ralph found himself smiling broadly. But there was an underlying and persistent panic, too; what if people found out. Ralph tried to tell himself that this was impossible, how the hell, but it wouldn’t go away.

Saturday afternoon, there was another party for the twins to attend. This was a bit ritzier than most and would be hell to live up to; Ralph had told Therese candidly that when it came to the twins' birthday, Therese had to host it. Saturday’s party was being held at a substantial Victorian place with a walled garden and plenty of space, the children were to be entertained by a theatre company, food was generous and thoughtful. The twins would have no complaints this time. And there was a parallel party for the adults. No excuse.

As the children were entertained in a marquee in the garden (please!), Ralph was there with the adults in the modern, neo-Victorian (glass and plastic) conservatory with a seemingly random group of parents. Eloise's mother was around, and other parents that Ralph knew vaguely, enough to exchange platitudes with. They formed into groups and Ralph found himself sharing polite inanities about his job. He refrained from looking at his watch, and eventually managed to ease himself outside the confines of the conservatory, where he bumped into what seemed to be the only other men that the party, Marcus and Emil.

It turned out that they were Tommi's parents. Ralph was curious as to how - surrogacy, adoption or what? But he decided that was not perhaps a good question with which to open an acquaintanceship. Instead, the three swapped basic information. Marcus and Emil knew exactly who Ralph was referring to when he mentioned the twins. Evidently, their son, being somewhat retiring, admired them.

Ralph rolled his eyes, "They are a handful, and they'd far sooner rough and tumble in dungarees than polite party frocks."

Emil looked across at where the girls were involved in a vigorous game, "Best of luck with that."

Marcus smiled, "Couldn't manage to lumber the wife with today?"

"I usually have the twins at weekends, so I take the rough with the smooth."

"Sorry, so your..."

"Last year."

"Of course, I remember."

Evidently, Tommi had reported some of his conversations with the twins back to his fathers. At the very least, Marcus and Emil had got the incomplete story and jumped to conclusions about Ralph, or perhaps the twins had been confidently telling people that their father was looking for a boyfriend. Ralph wasn't proud of what happened next. When Marcus and Emil assumed he was gay or looking for a boyfriend, Ralph had bridled, made a sharp and entirely unnecessary comment that verged on the unpleasant and turned away. The men had been having a light, rather camp conversation and Ralph had turned it into something else.

Before he could think about that more, the party started to break up. The evening was spent in the usual way, the organised chaos of bath time, stories by the fire and then finally he was alone. Ralph didn't like the person he was becoming, sex with Nolan was fantastic, but the need to keep it quiet, to pretend. He was uncomfortable being gay, of admitting it. However, the alternative, the Ralph who pretended and lashed out at people wasn't acceptable either. He drank too much, got maudlin and fed up. Then late, late, he pulled out his phone. Somewhere he had a phone number for Tommi's parents, he retyped the message more than once, before finally pressing send.

In the message, he had apologised for being a boor, saying that he was under stress, but it was no excuse for being rude. A nice, 'No worries, let's grab a coffee sometime' was the reply.

Sunday morning, Ralph woke up regretting that last whisky, but he was not allowed to maunder in bed. The twins were up. Strong coffee and the girls' energy got him working. It was a nice day, and they were not due at his parents until later in the afternoon (there was a lunchtime do at the Golf Club), so the Rec was the preferred option. Allowing the girls to choose a picnic from M&S was a good wheeze as it meant he could buy them more clothes on the sly. They grew restive quickly when shopping and truth to be told, Ralph wasn't keen either. But they got there.

The girls’ clothes were a constant strain on his budget. He cut corners with his own, making the good stuff last and buying from charity shops, but Therese played up if he didn’t stick to their agreement and the odd time that he’d tried to save money it had back-fired and he’d had to buy yet more from M&S. They shared the costs, of course, but with two growing girls, it was a challenge. Recently, however, Ralph had noticed Therese making the odd comment, her budget must be stretched too.

When they got to the climbing frames, Ralph's heart sank. Tommi was larking about and his parents, Marcus and Emil, were sitting at one of the picnic tables. The twins ran off to join Tommi and Ralph walked over to Marcus and Emil. Greetings over, he apologised again, but the two men brushed it away.

"It's none of our business and we should not have presumed."

Ralph could have left it there, been gracious, but something niggled, "No, it's been nagging at me. I..." He paused. "I’m not dealing with things very well, and don't like that person."

The two men stared at him, "Pardon?"

Ralph had started in the middle. Curses. He looked at his hands and explained in a quiet voice. "After Therese and I divorced, I realised that I was attracted to guys." He then gave an embarrassed laugh, "I don't know why I'm telling you this."

Emil raised one eyebrow, "Because it's easier telling relative strangers than friends."

Marcus smiled, "Besides, we've been there. Emil was in a relationship with a woman when we met."

"Ructions and plate throwing", Emil grinned.

"And then last year Tommi had a question about his Mummy."

"Bloody biology class at school."

"What did you do?"

Marcus shrugged, "Told him the basics, that we loved him because we'd chosen him specially."

Emil waggled his eyebrows, "Except by the end of the week it was all round class."

Marcus shook his head, "Did not go down well."

"Sorry, now we have a kid, life is basically, work and Tommi; we've become a pair of gossipy queens."

Ralph smiled, "I think that's happening to me too."

"Coffee. We've been remiss, apologies", and Emil dug out another plastic cup and poured some strong black coffee for Ralph.

Marcus laughed, "Emil's solution to everything. Coffee."

Emil simply smiled, "And Poppy-seed Cake", which was duly produced.

"So, what happened. Can you tell us?"

"I met someone, he assumed I was gay and made a tentative approach. I freaked out, but realised I'd enjoyed being kissed." Emil nodded understandingly. "We tried again."

"He's clearly very patient."

"He is, amazingly. I enjoyed it, but the idea of admitting to everyone that I'm gay freaks me out at times, part of me screams it's not me."

Emil put his hands on Ralph's "It takes time, can take time. You don't have to tell everyone."

"But when people assume, get too close, I want to lash out. Like yesterday."

Marcus and Emil clearly decided that the therapy session was over, Marcus commented that Ralph had to decide what he wanted. They gathered Tommi and went off as they were meeting family for lunch. Ralph was quite glad; he would not be exposing their prepacked lunch selection to Emil's scrutiny.

The twins had come over to the table with Tommi but had turned their noses up at Poppy-seed Cake.