Jacob's Advocate - 9. Chapter 9 - The End

I wish I could say Jacob’s recovery was quick and easy, but it wasn’t. His physical recovery had happened a lot quicker than normal and it quickly outpaced the mental and emotional recovery. At first he was almost clingy, like a scared little boy who was afraid of his own shadow. Being faced with his mortality had scared him. Then grew to become other things.

I’ll admit that being faced his mortality had scared me too. I remember when I had woken up from my own episode and being told of his condition, the fear and the emptiness inside that Jacob might die, and what that would mean for me. It was my own experience I felt that helped me, helped him.

It wasn’t easy though. He fought me the entire way, hell he fought Gavin the entire way. It almost became the hill that he would die on. Our relationship not only with each other strained but it also strained our group to it’s core.

It nearly destroyed all of us.

When we reached the end of that school year, part of me was done and ready to wash my hands of it. It was only the love I felt that kept it together. I had so much invested already I just couldn’t turn a blind eye and walk away. The thought of doing so caused me more pain than enduring the situation had.

Jacob then finally reached the climax, the breaking point, the explosion from everything that had been building and just completely crashed. His fight with himself was over, and his whole sense of being shattered like a mirror. It was only then that we were able to pull him from the brink, and help him find the pieces that would make him whole again.

During that time I had held myself back, remaining a friend first and foremost not allowing those ‘other feelings’ to interfere with the process. It was up for debate if that had been mistake on my part or not. It was not nearly as disastrous as everything else had been but it too took it’s toll on the both of us.

Some would call that a mistake, some would say what I did was right. I can’t tell if it was a mistake or not because at the time it seemed like the best option available. It was my belief that he needed to be free from that distraction while he found his true self, his true foundation because without it what we had, or what we wanted to have wouldn’t have had it’s own foundation to stand on.

Jacob did eventually find his way, Jacob and I did eventually find our way. While it was a long hard road, I hold no regrets. If any ever tried to form all I would have to do is just look into his eyes and see the gratitude, and the love that stares back at me. Yeah it was worth it.

Before I let this go though I want to share one particular joint session with Gavin, that occurred towards the end of the process, and it was during one of our low points when it seemed like love just wasn’t enough to hold us together.

“Good morning boys.” Gavin greeted as Kelly escorted both of us into the office. I somehow managed a smile as I took my seat, and Jacob took his. He looked about as awful as I felt.

We remained silent, as Gavin finished the notes, no doubt about us. He always took a moment to gauge us when we walked in, it usually determined how the session was going to go.

“You guys seem strained. Are we still having some of the issues we discussed last week?” He asked. Jacob and I looked at each other, then looked away. “Let’s do something different today. Would you both humor me in an exorcise?”

We looked at each other again then nodded.

“Good, normally I would launch into a description and the reason behind the exorcise but this time we’re going to jump right in alright?”

Again we nodded.

“Beautiful, both of you stand and face each other. You can hold hands if you want, or not if you prefer.” Gavin instructed.

We rose to face each other but we both stared down at the floor.

“Guys, actually look at each other, I know it’s hard to do with the struggles of late, but humor me.”

It took a few moments but our eyes finally locked. In his eyes I could see is pain, his regret, and a fair amount of guilt. But under all that I could see how he felt about me.

My expression must have softened, because I saw Jacob’s mouth twitch towards a smile and I found myself doing the same.

“That’s better. Jacob, looking at Tyler right now, in this moment without thinking of the past, or what’s currently going on, or any kind of concern for how Tyler feels about you right now, what do you feel this second.”

“Happy.” Jacob admitted in a soft voice.

“Tyler, same question same conditions.”

I nodded in agreement, “happy.”

“Don’t stop looking at each other but consider this, do you know why that is? Even with all that has gone on when you look at each other you feel happy. Why is that.”

Now that my eyes were locked into Jacob’s I didn’t want to look away, and neither did he. We both thought about it for a moment and finally I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Me either.” Jacob added keeping his eyes on me.

“I want both of you to think back in your memories to a time when you felt this kind of happy, it doesn’t have to be the first time, but back in time. When you find one, just say it.”

“I was 12.” Jacob started, “it was the summer after my dad left. Me and my mom were so happy it was over.” He paused for a moment to breathe. “You came over one afternoon to see how I was doing, we were in the back yard as the sun was setting…”

The memory slapped me in the face as it went front and center in my mind. I only nodded to indicate I remembered.

“It was one of those gorgeous, gigantic, orange and purple maxfield parrish sunsets. It was just amazing. We were sitting next to each other on the bench and you put your arm around my shoulder. Sort of a hug, but not quite. I felt so peaceful and so connected to you. It was the happiest moment I think I’d ever been to that point in my life.”

“I remember.” I said softly as a tear fell down my cheek. I took a moment to collect myself before sharing one of my own. “Remember the summer after? When we were 13 and I went on that Sierra Club trip and I was gone almost a month?”

Jacob nodded and his smile grew larger. “I ran all the way to your house when you called to tell me you were back.”

“How about how long my hair was, it was down to my shoulders and you called me a hippie.”

“And you let me cut it! God I fucked that up so bad.” Jacob said as his eyes twinkled at the memory.

“You didn’t Jake. Mom took me to the barber to get it cleaned up, but that’s all. I wore it that way till the next year because it was the haircut you gave me.” I said admitting something I had never told him. “You’ve always been my best friend. I’m sorry if it seems like I forgot that for a while.”

Jacob stepped closer and leaned his forehead against mine as we both closed our eyes for a moment. Slowly we did end up joining hands.

Gavin finally spoke up softly, “now stay just like that for a moment and listen.”

Jacob and I remained still, our hands intertwined further our eyes still closed.

“Long before either of you had the capacity to understand, there was an emotional pull between you. That pull increased over time. As you moved into your teen years it grew along with you. It grew past the point that you could accept or even articulate what it was you were feeling, and miles past anything either of you had the capacity to deal with. So you suppressed it. Until Jacob tried to tell you how he felt Tyler. Then it was suppressed even further until the lid blew off in the parking lot in school that fateful day. And it’s important that even with the monumental things you boys have been working through since Jacob’s accident that you don’t do it any longer.”

Gavin paused for a moment before adding, “that emotional pull is why you felt happy just now.”

We both opened our eyes at that moment to look at Gavin before looking at each other again. We both felt a little uncomfortable with the idea due to recent events.

“But how do we…” Jacob started to ask and Gavin cut him off.

“Look into his eyes and remember.”

Jacob did just that, and that faint smile returned.

“Tyler is Jacob still your best friend?” Gavin asked.

“Yes.”

“Jacob is Tyler still your best friend?”

“Yes.”

Gavin stood up and came closer, “Tyler do you love Jacob?”

“With everything I am.”

Gavin looked at Jacob for his reply and he stated it without being asked.

“With everything I am.”

“I want you to really think about this next one guys because it’s important. Do either of you right now, with all the crap that’s happened, want a life where the other person isn’t in it. Both of you need to answer either yes or no at the same time. Don’t hesitate, just say it. And say it now.”

“No.” We both said in unison, causing us both to go wide eyed a little and take a step back.

Gavin went back to his chair and sat down, “so what’s the problem? Why did both of you walk in here looking like you’ve lost each other.”

“I thought…” Jacob started then stopped.

“Thought what?” I asked.

“Does it matter?” Gavin asked Jacob.

“No.” Jacob answered.

“So what’s the problem?” Gavin asked again and I seriously couldn’t answer it. Sure I could list all the things I had thought about but were any of those actually the answer to the question? In the end none of it mattered.

It was that session that helped us moved passed the problems we thought we’d never over come, and the long hard cry we had afterwards helped set us free.

There is so much more to tell, but this isn’t the place to do it. I feel that at some point Jacob should write his own story, because that’s truly where it all belongs. After all this story was only meant to tell how I became, and forever will be, Jacob’s Advocate.

AUTHORS NOTE:

I apologize if this story seems so short. I could have stretched it out another half dozen or dozen chapters but I feel it would have taken away from the point and over all theme from this story.

The point and theme of this story is simple. Some people are worth saving. I’m not a big softy to say ALL people should be worth saving, because that opens a huge can of worms I’d rather not get into but I do think some souls are worth salvation.

In our current time, in our current society we are bombarded daily with what others tell us what’s important that we sometimes forget what’s important. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Yes those mistakes can be disastrous but it’s how we handle those mistakes that shows we are good people.

There will be people that come in and out of our lives. Sometimes those people will hurt us in various ways but we have the ability to see past the hurt, past the anger because under it the love and compassion we have builds the foundations of who we are as a person and as a society.

You don’t have to forgive everyone who wrongs you because there are some wrongs that can’t be forgiven, but let us be bigger than ourselves as we forgive the wrongs to those who deserve forgiveness, who deserve redemption and let us save those who are truly worth saving.

Only after we forgive, especially ourselves can we truly heal.

I thank everybody who has read and commented on this story, and I thank everyone who will read it in the future and come out from it better than when they started.

Oh and be on the lookout for Jacob’s story, because as Tyler said, there is a lot more to tell. This just wasn’t the place to do it.

Peace be with you,

Jeff