Quack, Quack - 1. Quack, Quack

"Addison, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I just wanted to make it bigger."

"You're an idiot. Haven't I told you a thousand times it doesn't bother me that your penis is smaller than average?"

"Yes, Stanley. That still doesn't mean I don't feel inadequate."

"Fuck! You've covered every inch of it. What did you think was going to happen when it got hard?"

"Hard?"

"Yeah, you know. Boner, hard-on, erection?"

"Oh. Won't the duct tape stretch?"

"NO! How useful would tape be if it stretched? Shit would come apart that is supposed to stay together."

"But don't you think it looks nice?"

"Well, yeah. Maybe we should invent rainbow-colored condoms. At least those will stretch."

"But they won't make it bigger."

"Would you stop with that?"

"Okay."

"Damn, you've wrapped it so tight, there's no way to slide even tiny scissors in there to cut it off."

"Now you're bitching about it being so small you want to cut it off?"

"The tape, you moron."

"Oh."

"Where's the end, maybe we can peel it off without tearing off three layers of skin?"

"It folded over, so I put some glue on it."

"Glue?"

"Yeah, you know sticky stuff to keep things connected."

"I know what glue is. It's just so unbelievable you'd do that too. Didn't you think at some point you'd need to take it off?"

"No. Why would I want to do that?"

"Maybe, like, to piss?"

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh. Lie down on the bed and I'll see what I can do."

"You want to have sex now?"

"Yeah, I've always wanted to suck on half a pound of duct tape. Better yet, feel it slide into my ass. I want to see what I can do to take it off. Maybe the glue hasn't set yet."

Addison laid down on the bed, and I straddled his legs, getting a closer look at his rainbow tape covered cock.

"You didn't shave first?"

"No. I never shave."

"Hold out your arm."

He did as I asked, and I slapped a couple inches of duct tape on a hairy forearm.

"Why'd you do that?"

"So, I can do this." I yanked the tape off.

"Aaaaaaah. That fucking hurt."

"I just wanted to give you an idea what you had to look forward to when it got pulled off your dick."

"It's gonna hurt that much?"

"Probably more."

"What am I gonna do?"

"Now, you think of that?"

"What about WD-40?"

"What about it?"

"Well, you know. If it moves and it's not supposed to, duct tape. If it doesn't move and it is supposed to, WD-40. They're opposites."

"Good idea. Let me get a bowl, spray a shitload of WD-40 in it so you can soak your dick in it."

"I'll wait here."

"I was being facetious. I can't believe how dumb you can be sometimes."

"Don't call me dumb."

"I meant... Oh, shit, stop crying."

"You don't love me anymore."

"Sure, I do."

"You know how upset I get when Garrison calls me stupid."

"Your brother does that because he's jealous. You're way smarter than he is."

"I bet he'd never turn duck tape into dick tape."

"You're probably right about that. But he doesn't need to try to make it bigger."

"What? You've seen my brother's dick?"

"Well, yeah, um..."

"I bet you sucked it too. You don't love me because my dick is small."

"Addison, we all used to go to the gym together. It's kind of hard not to see each other's equipment when you're changing in or out of a bathing suit."

"You got hard when you looked at his dick?"

"No, you id... Grrrr. It's impossible not to see each other in a situation like that."

"So, you didn't get hard?"

"No. Can we get back to the problem at hand?"

"What's that?"

"Your duct taped dick!"

"Oh. Okay. Are you going to get the WD-40?"

"NOOOO! It'll probably hurt your skin."

"Then what do we do?"

"Let me check the Internet."

"You can't believe anything you read on the Internet."

"Some of it you can."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Just maybe not Wikipedia."

I Googled how to unstick duct tape.

"Okay, one, scrape duct tape residue away. Well, that won't work, the tape is still there. Two, use heat to melt tape adhesive. Sure, barbecued penis. Served in all the posh restaurants. Three, warm water and vinegar solutions can help remove left-over residue. Again, with the residue. Four, use cooking oil or WD-40 to break down duct tape adhesive..."

"See? I told you."

"We're NOT spraying WD-40 on your dick. Five, try rubbing alcohol on nonporous surfaces for residue removal. Did I fucking Google how to remove duct tape residue?"

"Maybe you should try Duct-duct-go-away."

"That's duck, duck, go."

"Oh."

"Oh, this is rich. Related search. How do you make duct tape sticky again?"

"Do what it says there backwards."

"I don't think that will work. Oh, I like this one. Rubbing alcohol, vodka, and vegetable or olive oil are useful, common household items that can break up the adhesive residue."

"Vodka?"

"Yeah, let's get your dick drunk."

"That would be an interesting hangover."

"Yeah. 'Hey, how's it hanging?' 'It's hungover.'"

"What else will help?"

"More of the same. Let me go get the cooking oil."

"I think we used it all the last time, well, you know."

"That was body oil."

"Oh. No wonder it tasted funny."

"Yeah, you're supposed to rim me BEFORE you use the oil."

"Sorry, I didn't know. It's not like the bottle had rimming instructions on it."

"I'll write Johnson and Johnson and complain."

"Okay."

"Arrrgh. I'll be right back."

I went to the kitchen to get the bottle of vegetable oil. I had to bring back a nearly empty bottle to ask Addison what he did with it all.

"Where'd all the vegetable oil go?"

"I used it to make popcorn."

"It was microwave popcorn!"

"I know. I figured that out when it wouldn't start popping."

"Oh, my God."

"Try the vodka."

"You want that with orange, grapefruit, or cranberry juice?"

"Wouldn't the juice dilute it?"

"Again, I wasn't being serious."

"I think we need to be serious now."

"Ya think?"

"Yeah, I need to pee."

"Oh, this oughtta be good. Let's put you in the shower. If you can pee, it'll probably go everywhere."

We started to head to the bathroom.

"It hurts to walk."

"What hurts?"

"My dick, you dork!"

"Whose fault is that?"

"I don't know. The duct tape company?"

"Why would it be their fault?"

"They should put a warning on the package."

"Do not tape your dick up?"

"Yeah."

"Get in the fucking shower."

"Don't cuss at me."

"Oh, but you don't mind it when I'm telling you to fuck me harder?"

"Well, no. Sex cussing is okay."

"Get in there and try to pee."

"It's hard."

"Maybe you shouldn't have taped over the hole."

"Maybe. Okay, it's starting."

His urine starts dripping from the duct tape, slowly dripping faster.

"It's working."

"Yeah, you're pissing. Congratulations."

"No, I mean the duct tape is coming off."

Just then, the duct tape shot off Addison's dick and his piss started going everywhere. He turned to me to show me.

"What the fuck? Turn back around. You're pissing on me!"

"Oh, sorry. We'll have to update Wikipedia with a new solution."

"I'll get right on that. I guess I need a shower now."

"Should I get the duct tape?"