Dignity - a novel - 10. Chapter 10: Betrayal; Fresh Start

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Chapter 10: Betrayal; Fresh Start

I'm back home again.

It is a wonderful warm-weather day, and as I stand in our upstairs hallway, I see open windows and curtains shifting in the breeze. The doors to my brother and sister's rooms stand open.

From the kitchen downstairs, the inviting smells of a friendly morning waft up to me: freshly ground coffee and sizzling bacon.

I inhale greedily.

My mom's voice calls happily from the bottom of the steps, "Jack, sweetie, hurry up. You'll be late for school."

'Oh Shit!' I think, then look down at my body.

I am naked.

Suddenly Hamish and Christie are in their individual doorways. They both leer at me with some kind of patronizing glint. In eerie unison they chant: "Yeah, sweetie – hurry up. You gotta shower, cuz we're waiting on you!"

I rush into the bathroom, close the door and crank on the shower faucet. As steam begins to rise, I notice just how sweet the air from the outside is as it blows at my mom's little yellow curtains in here. I can hear birdsong too, and it blends easily with the onrush of water hitting the bottom of the shower tub.

I am calm again, so I step in and draw the curtain. I wet my hair, and the warm water feels soothing, but, as I lift my arms, my elbows and knees cry out in stiffness and sheer pain. "OOOOW!" I moan, and try to let the water comfort my soreness.

Suddenly, I am aware that there is somebody else in the room.

Little by little, my hand goes to the edge of the shower curtain, and pulls it back. Steam obscures most of the space, but a girl with long and fair hair is standing in the middle of the bathroom with her back to me. She is naked.

"Cordell..?"

Dawn turns around. Her facial features are contorted, and she is near tears as she tells me, "Look! I caught a computer virus from your phone."

"Oh my God. Where?"

Dawn raises her arms and shows me two massive swellings in her armpits. They look angry and red; like blood-filled lumps swelling under the tender flesh we all have there.

"They hurt, Sean."

I step out of the shower.

"Dawn, I'm so sorry. Is it my fault?"

Her arms come down. "I'm out of control, Sean. Out of control."

She runs to hug me, but I duck aside and avert contact. I try reasoning with her. "Dawn, if you leave the room, and let me finish what I have to do – just leave me alone – I know I can help you later, ok?"

She speaks – that is, I see her mouth move, and spy the desperation mounting in her eyes – but her words are all garbled and quiet.

Slowly, she bends her head forward, continuing to make faint vocalizations, but her hands and hair obscure her features.

"I can't hear what you are saying. I can't – your voice is not reaching me…"

I am forced to approach her.

I pull back the hair from her eyes. It is soaking wet, like she was in the shower with me.

My mom looks up at me from where I part the stringy hair. Her eyes are cloudy, pupil-less orbs.

"Jack!" She latches onto me. She hugs me and says garbled things into my neck.

"Mom," I say. "Please? Please let go!"

I take her by the upper arms and push.

She crumbles to the floor before me, and begins to sob.

"Jack, they're broken."

She lifts horribly bruised and screwed up limbs. She tries to regard them a moment with the marble things that are now her eyes, and then pleads with me silently by holding her mangled arms up closer to me.

"Mom, please. I don’t know what to do."

She lays flat on the floor, staring up at the ceiling with her visionless eyes.

My joints hurt, and I am so, so tired.

I lay down on my side next to her, but facing away. The yellow curtains sway, birdsong calls from just outside where the big oak tree grows strong and tall, but that beautiful space 'out there' seems so impossibly far away from where I am now.

The cold of the tile floor bites my cheek.

I don’t want to touch her; I don’t want her to touch me.

I try negotiating, reasoning, but I am so tired, I close my eyes to speak.

"Mom, just give me some more time, ok? And then all things will be ok again. I will make it up to you. I swear that I will, because I love you."

Slowly I hear my mom's voice call to me through my own personal darkness. It is crying repeatedly to me: "Sean; Sean; SEAN!"

˚˚˚˚˚

I open my eyes. David is only inches from my face; his brow is sweaty, and his eyes are wild. My hands come up groggily, and feel he is kneeling on the sofa cushions.

"SEAN!" he repeats. "What the fuck did you do!"

"I…"

"She told me, dude. Get up!" He leaps to his feet. I sit up on his couch. We are in the dark, and he is wearing nothing but a pair of boxers.

"Man, David, what's…"

He grabs me by my shirt and hauls me to my feet.

David shouts: "You laid a hand on my girl!? What – the – fuck!"

"I didn’t do anything to her. Ask her!"

"Ask her?" he repeats like he can't believe he's just heard me say it. "Ask her!? Dude, she's the one who told me!"

Some spittle flies into my eyes, and at the same instant, the lights come on.

I look over David's shoulder, and amazingly, Cordell has been standing there the whole time.

I glance towards the hall, and see it was Cliff who turned on the wall switch.

"Dave," he sounds very groggy. "Why you yellin'?"

David's grip on my shirt becomes a hard punch on my chest. He's only getting madder and madder, saying, "We take him into our home, cuz he doesn't have a place to go; we feed him; we offer him our good shit, and this – This! – is the way he repays us!?"

Cliff grabs his arm. Lawson appears and goes to stand with Cordell. I do a quick survey of where my stuff is in the room – luckily I dumped my charger and phone in my bag before I went to bed.

"Man," Cliff tries to calm his buddy. "What's up, you having a bad trip?"

David glares at him like Cliff has just caused him pain; he makes a little nasal sound of disbelief.

"This creep," he explains. "Snuck in on Cordell while she was showering, and climbed in with her."

The biggest reaction in the room comes from Lawson.

"What!?" she asks Cordell in total disbelief.

I pounce on that. "Lawson, you know I would never do that, and you know why too!"

David inhales sharply, and pulls back his fist to punch me. Cliff restrains him.

"Phew…tell them. Lawson..?" I beg.

"Did you..?" she asks Cordell almost in a pin-drop whisper.

We can all hear Cordell swallow hard.

Lawson goes to David and says commandingly: "Leave him alone, Dave. This is some misunderstanding. Sean here is Gay – like we all thought – he told us so today at the beach, and he has no reason to lie."

The boys look partially stunned.

Cliff asks, "Is it true?"

"Yes. I am totally, 100% Gay."

David revvs his anger, "Dude – either you are a fucking liar, or you are calling my girl that."

"Now," Lawson steps up to my side. "No one said 'liar.' Sean, you better – you know." She tips her head towards the front door of the apartment.

While Cliff gets Lawson to help him pen David in with their bodies, I grab my bag, my jeans, and head to the door where my shoes are.

"This is the way…" David shouts again. "…You repay us, asshole! Get the fuck out!"

˚˚˚˚˚

It's after three in the morning.

In the ground floor lobby of their building, all is deathly still. I slip on my jeans, then sit on the floor to put on my socks and sneakers.

Somehow, I feel like crying.

Not cuz I pity myself, not cuz I don’t know what I'll do, or where I'll go, but cry because, a lie can have so much power.

I get out my sweatshirt, and slip it on debating if I should wear my Universal Studio's coat. I think I won't put it on now, cuz it seems too close to the pain of this moment, and might act like an anchor, and who can live if they are forever looking back. Anyway, I am dressed now, so I stand, zip up my bag and think about what to do next.

I kneel with a knee on the cold marble floor and fish out my phone. I text Dawn:

U awake?

The icy cold of the stone tile numbs my knee, but I reckon the time difference in my head. If it's 3:30 here, then it's 6:30 in Cincinnati, so maybe she's getting ready to roll outta bed. I wait.

Its early. Whats up?

She texted back. Yey!

Why is every1 so mean?

What happened?

Dawn, they kicked me out. I dont know what Ill do now

What? Who kicked you out?

The kool kids. One got jealous, and almost beat me up

Then you don’t need them. Y can get better friends

Its all a lie! I dont get it. IDK what happened

Yu have yur own truth, Sean – trust in it. What will you do

now?

I guess Ill go back to the beach. But, I feel sad

Dont despair. Yu'll make me cry – again. Just take a

deep breath, gather yurself 2gether, and walk away.

Its their loss, not yurs

Thx, buddy. I know there's a reason I love you. kiss kiss

Yu ok?

Getting there. Ill let you go

If yu need me, txt me. Luv you 2, dweeb.

I shut the phone off and try not to cry myself.

I can't stay here, that's all I know, so I stand up and start to walk. I shove the door open and step out into the chilly darkness.

˚˚˚˚˚

I shoulder my bag and start walking. I remember that there is a park about a block away, so maybe I can sleep there tonight, and go back to Santa Monica in the morning.

As I round the corner, and get close to the area where the park's grass begins, a slow-moving car pulls up beside me.

This is a nice car – a really nice car – so I stop walking and wait. The white Bentley coupe comes to a rolling stop, and the passenger-side window glides down.

The friendly voice of a man calls out to me.

"You got time, kid?"

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