Pricolici

On 09/21/2011 04:18 AM, ghanbrews said:

I just have to say I loved this sory ( your stories are always great anwway).

I also think wolves are really interesting, it's been a long time since I've read such a good story on this subject xD

Thank you so much! I didn't want to go with run of the mill werewolves, so adding in an ancient mythologial magician that is also a wolf, that just spiced it up! I'm glad you enjoyed the story, thanks for the review too!!!

On 09/22/2011 05:30 PM, Dannsar said:

There's no ifs, shoulds, maybes etc about it. This must continue.

 

However, for believability, Tucker needs to develop his personality and become more forceful, and a little more aloof, perhaps, acting without reference to Stellian. It's clear why you have constructed it this way here ... he has just left a dominance universe and has no knowledge of his powers. And while that's very proper, Tucker is going to get to be one irritating wuss if he continues to be so full of self doubt, and even that small degree of self loathing you seem to have given him. I'd like to see him and Stellian rolling each other over in a sexual sharing metaphorical sort of way, feeding each other, feeding off each other, learning from each other, but both with a sufficient touch of arrogance to push for their world view.

 

They're both very good characters, but I didn't like their world, and I suspect that may have been something to do with the fact that their relationships are a stronger narrative thread than the world they inhabit. I haven't been able build up a picture in my head really, except for the bar, which I really liked. And I also don't have enough of a sense of their bodily forms, either as humans or wolves, yet. I still don't feel I am attracted to Tucker sufficiently to want to mate with him. As characters they are not yet resolved sufficiently to properly bond to. I'd reference Maria's 'No Tomorrow' here for management of the transformation descriptions, which she made beautifully clear.

 

I get the sense this was finished under the cosh, somewhat. There's things I think you might have seen if you had left it a week. There's also an uncharacteristically high degree of typos ... and even a couple of your own old favourite ... comma cockups. There was one sentence with a comma apparently missing which stalled me for ages. I had to continually re-read it to work out what was going on; the whole lup / lups / lupe / lupes thing I found confusing, and; the telephone conversation had no resolved notion of who was speaking to who, what their knowledge of Tucker was.

 

I've said a lot which seems critical here. I suppose I am really just working through frustrations on what I think is a brilliant idea with masses of potential. It's a great story and the elements are there for a whole series of murder mystery and other conflict driven scenarios. It suggests a similar structural paradigm to Rilbur's 'Sword Of Light' in the 2011 novella contest. I'd definitely like to see more.

I agree with you on several points. The story doesn't end naturally here, not with the way it kept going in my head. However, it was a stopping point and did have a beginning, middle, and end to the main plot of the story which was the bond between Stelian and Tucker. I also agree that Tucker has to evolve as a stronger character and Stelian will become more balanced with him as well. Relationships are give and take and they'll find a balance. The transition... well, it was in the midst of battle. I felt the detail there of the back and forth would have made a transition too much for the scene.

 

As for errors, I try to avoid them but even I miss stuff. I'll go back through and give it another look for editing mistakes, thanks for the heads up. I appreciate the criticism and the comparisons. Some things, like the phone conversation which was aimed at being vague, were deliberate but I also see your point on the lup/lupes issues. Thanks for the honest review dear. I'll definitely keep your comments in mind as I write further.