Frozen Heart - 3. Chapter 3 - Summer thoughts

Maximilian saw his phone vibrate on the library's table next to him, it was a text from his aunt, away on business as usual.

"Don't forget to put your alarm clock on. I don't want to be bothered by your school tomorrow."

Another summer had passed in the library. Tomorrow was the first day of his before-last year in high-school. High-school was very different. For starters, the sheer number of students made it so much easier for him to stay hidden, to disappear. When he first had started as a freshman, and even though most of his middle-school went to his high-school, he lost his nickname. He was being offered a second chance, a fresh start to make friends! Not that it really interested him in any way... He was even a little disoriented at first to have to answer to Maximilian, or having to correct the eventual "Max." To his relief, it became popular again to call him Ghost, and after two months of helping the rumors out a little, Ghost was back to haunt the halls.

Maximilian still had the best grades of his promotion, and teachers were still just as annoying and useless. A particularly insistent English teacher kept forcing him to participate in class. Something about:

"Everyone needs to be active in class! Even you Max!" God he hated that teacher, he had told her countless times to not call him Max, that wasn't his name! She was also so upbeat and positive on life in general. Her optimism made his teeth ache. However he still enjoyed going to her class for one reason: the view. Not that the view out the window was extraordinary or anything, but there was this boy in his class who gave him butterflies in his stomach.

It had been a while that he had been unconsciously peeking at boys from time to time. To his surprise and frustration, puberty had sapped his defenses, opening up a weakness in the ice, in the most unexpected of ways. Maximilian couldn't help himself but look at the other boys around him. Females were of no interest to him. He appreciated the virility, the stature, the stride of the boys around him (some seniors were really, really well built). A perverse curiosity overtook him, and he fought it as best he could, trying desperately to confine the breach that had been opened. It became nearly obsessional, a thirst for a most uncommon of knowledge: he had to find out what was under their pants! He would steal glances in the locker-room, and thankfully his hair helped him quite a bit by hiding his eyes.

​At his aunt's house, he started looking up the human anatomy, quickly making his way down to the genitals. Inadvertently this led him to porn sites. Curiously straight porn had no effect on him, he found it dull and boring. On the other hand, gay or bisexual porn made his breath quiver and made his pulse rise, it was so much more exciting for him! Maximilian would on occasions watch a few videos for "fun," unlike other teens his age he did not know what masturbating was. He only watched it for the practical applications of the concept of "love." He cursed himself often for being so weak as to give in to the impulse of looking at another boy, or feeling a small attraction for one of them. He raged against himself, raged against puberty, raged at the crumbling ice that surrounded his heart. He kept fighting to maintain his protections up! He knew what would happen if they, God forbid it, fell!

"Love makes us weak, it is a worthless and useless emotion that only bogs us down!" he would tell himself in particularly hard times.

After weeks of struggle, the ice barriers were back in perfect condition, and Maximilian's emotions were buried even deeper within himself. He willed the temptations away, drowning himself in his work.

Just like in middle-school, a joke would find it funny to pick on him for a while, but for some strange reason, people he didn't even know rose to defend him. This baffled him, he did nothing to earn the sympathy of these people. He didn't need their help! He stayed in the shadows, he never talked to anyone, yet people still felt like they had to help him in some way. Once, a girl gave him a partial answer to his questions:

"You look so sad most of the times, always alone in the halls. You must have had a rough life already, it isn't fair that these assholes make it harder!"

If only she knew the truth about Maximilian.

Here he was though, getting ready for yet another year. Another boring sequence of days to go through. He took out his earphones and set them down on the table. All was silent around him, he was alone as usual in this room he knew so well in a house he still didn't consider his. Far from bothering him, the solitude wrapped itself gently around him like a warm blanket. He stood and crossed over to the window. He peered into the night, watching the forest under the moon's silvery light. He slowly opened the window, and took a breath of night air, the best kind there was. It smelled of pine-trees, and it felt cool against his skin. It was in these rare moments that he allowed himself to briefly lower his protections, melting away a bit of the ice that guarded his heart. The night air had a soothing touch to it, helping him keep his emotions in check, helping him remain sane. He closed the window, and as he did, he made the ice thicker and colder than ever before.

"Here we go again," sighed Maximilian

The "introduction" chapters are over
Now that you know Maximilian a bit better, let's dive in his everyday life!!
 
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