Frozen Heart - 6. Chapter 6 - Push and pull

Maximilian stormed off to class. Aaron had made him late to class... He was angry at him, why couldn't Aaron be like everyone else? Why couldn't he understand that ​he didn't want anyone in his life? It infuriated him that he had broken up in front of another person.

However, as much as he wanted him to disappear forever, a part of him wanted him to stay. A part of him hadn't returned behind the ice. One petty emotion had escaped his relentlessness watch. One emotion had hid during his breakdown, and only shown itself once all the protections were back in place, once his heart had been sealed off, no way in, no way out. The emotion he dreaded the most, the one that terrified him at night: Love. As he made his way to class his anger dwindled, he couldn't stay angry at Aaron for one simple, obvious reason: he was in love with him. He had fallen in love with the one boy that actually presented a threat, and that scared, no, terrified him, it filled him with unbound horror. For so many years he had put away all his feelings. He hadn't cared, felt, wanted anything for years. He was afraid of what loving Aaron would mean. He knew deep down that he would see how broken he was inside. He knew that the facade he showed people, and even himself, would crumble to dust once he let him in. Giving in to his love would mean the end of the ice around his aching heart. All his nightmares would return, all the pain would be relived once more. His past would come to haunt him day and night, the past he dreaded so much would come back. He had hid it, and ran, he had ran for years without looking back, but now he was left with a choice. He could either give in to Aaron, hoping that he would survive, or wait and keep running. He knew however that one day his past will catch up with him.

He sat in the back of the room, a rare sight, but he needed time to think. Aaron came in a few minutes later. Not that he saw it, but he recognized the hand that touched his shoulder. He didn't life his head from his arms, but he felt it. He was still battling with the indecision, and he did for the rest of the period, weeping a few times. At some point he looked up for a few seconds. He saw his classmates turning from time to time, concern on their faces, and while that touched him, he only had eyes for Aaron. He found him to his right, Aaron was looking straight at him. Their eyes crossed; Aaron's full of compassion and desire to help, while his were full of nothing. Just like his body and mind, his eyes were empty. He stopped thinking, he stopped fighting inside, he stopped moving. For how long did he stay contemplating those eyes? He broke the eye contact when he felt a tingle of warmth inside. He stopped perceiving on the outside to concentrate on the inside.

He could feel that the ice was gone, all protections, except for one layer, were gone. He passively observed his emotions slowly coming back to the surface, timidly testing the limits of their new found liberty. Unlike what he had expected they stayed calm, they went back to their original positions: love in his beating heart, joy in his smile, pain in his tears, anguish in his stomach, wonder in his eyes. Trust joined love, while panic, loneliness, depression, and anger retreated, awed at the resurgence of their old friends and enemies. Still, they all felt distant, he knew they were there, he just couldn't use them yet. So even though he had regained most of his emotions, he felt empty.

"​Maximilian, the bell rang, we need to get going. You wouldn't want to be late now would you?" Aaron asked him softly, worry in his voice. ​Maximilian got up, clumsily slung his bag over his shoulder, and started towards the door. He almost fell twice on the short trip, his feet refusing to cooperate. After the second near miss, Aaron came up behind him and took him in his arms. He had one arm around his shoulders, holding him steady. They walked through the halls like that, Aaron leading the way, almost carrying the smaller boy. ​Maximilian felt safe in those arms, and he let his head rest on Aaron's shoulder. His eyes looked ahead, but they didn't see. He felt nothing, whether it be in or out. Well actually, he did feel one thing: his tears. He was crying, he didn't know why but it felt right. Was it the ice's water draining from his body? They felt cool against his skin.

People turned in the halls, whispering among themselves, pointing at the odd procession. They finally made it to their next class, whatever it may be. All that ​Maximilian knew was that he had found a seat in the back, and that Aaron had the one next to him. The sun shone on his desk, and it was stronger than him, he let his head fall on his arms. He fell asleep peacefully, a hint of a smile on his face. Only later did he learn that the teacher had wanted to wake him, and that most of the class had protested, most of them had seen him the hour before after all.

In his dream, ​Maximilian was falling. It was a peaceful, slow fall, and it was endless. He should have been terrorized, he should have been flailing around trying to regain some control on his fall. But no, he felt oddly at peace. He felt free, his body as weightless as the clouds around him. The blue sky overhead was beautiful, and he could have stayed in that dream forever, to this day it probably is the most beautiful dream he ever had.

When Aaron woke him at the end of the period, he felt better. The concern in Aaron's eyes vanished when he saw the spark of life in ​Maximilian's eyes. What surprised ​Maximilian a bit however was the number of his classmates that had stayed behind to wait for him to wake up. He blushed and hid behind his hair, as he had for years. He could walk without Aaron supporting him, though he had a brief thought of faking it so he could feel safe again. At lunch he nibbled at his food, and drank little. He however drank in Aaron's beauty. He admired his chocolate eyes, deeply observing them, seeing every color in them. He admired the sun's reflection in his hair, the way light bounced of the golden strands. He started healing, slowly, it wasn't much yet but always a start.

At the end of the day, ​Maximilian felt a little fuller. He reached his car mechanically, without really thinking about it. He was turning to face Aaron, when the latter gently grabbed his arms.

"Not yet ​Maximilian, today I'm following you, you are not spending the night alone. I'm still worried about you, I want someone to be there for you if you broke down again."

​Maximilian wanted to protest, but no words came out. In truth, spending the night alone in his aunt's house had caused some anguish in the afternoon. And so he nodded before slipping in his car.

He was on autopilot for the whole drive. He still couldn't think straight. It was like he had two sides, the one that still wanted to lock up everything behind ice, and one that wanted to move on. One locked in the past, one focused on the future. He still couldn't decide which was better yet, though the future looked a little brighter today. He went in the garage, parked his car, then went to open his front door for Aaron.

"You never told me you aunt had a mansion."

Something about that bothered ​Maximilian, he didn't remember talking about his aunt to Aaron... He shrugged, and took hold of Aaron's arm, leading him deeper in the house. He took him to the library, to his secret refuge.

"Oh my God, this place is huge!"

Max showed him the couch where he had made his nest of blankets over the years. He sat down, then looked up at his friend. Somehow Hope had made its way to his eyes, and Aaron saw that.