The Long Way - 12. Remembering Dan

I knocked on Aiden’s door and waited. At first I thought no one was home, but then I heard shuffling from the other side of the door before it swung open. Aiden looked directly at me, a little startled. Obviously he hadn't been expecting me.

"Owen. What are you doing here?"

"Um, hi…I was thinking about catching a movie or something. I thought I’d see if you wanted to come with…but, if it’s a bad time…"

A small smile appeared on Aiden’s face and he opened the door wider.

"It’s actually a perfect time." he replied, "Come on in."

I stepped past him as he closed the door and I took in the sight of his apartment. It was the same model that I lived in, except the carpet was a lighter shade and there was more furniture. My brothers liked open spaces, while Aiden’s house seemed to have shelves and tables everywhere, covered in knickknacks that I wouldn’t guess to be Aiden’s. They reminded me of all the junk my mom used to decorate with. But then there were framed, black and white photos on the walls. Some were of old buildings while others were of people. I wondered if Aiden took them.

Aiden closed the door and stepped past me, but stopped abruptly when a woman’s voice called out from down the hall somewhere. I recognized her voice as Aiden’s mother, only this time she didn’t sound at all friendly. Aiden immediately seemed to tense up upon hearing her voice.

"Aiden! Who’s there?"

"It’s Owen, mom." He called back, and then after a second added, "We’re going out for a while."

There was no further response from the back room so he tapped my shoulder and then grabbed my arm to lead me down the hall. We stepped into what I was guessing was Aiden’s room and while he opened his closet and grabbed a fresh shirt and a jacket I took a second to look around, every few seconds glancing in his direction as he peeled off his shirt to put the new one on.

His room was organized, like mine. There was a stereo system in the corner and a wall of music and books. He had a computer in the corner and a bookshelf covered with fiction, and one wall was covered in photos that I knew he definitely took. I was surprised at how many he had of my brothers. There were some of Janie, Leo, Ben, Jake and Ryan. Then I noticed some from our camping trip. There was the one Aiden took of both of us, one of the elk, and a few more of just me. I think I was feeling a sense of pride over being included on his wall of friends.

Then I noticed one picture in particular that caught my attention. It wasn’t like the others. It was a family picture, professionally done in a studio. I recognized the woman as Aiden’s mom. She looked beautiful in the picture, smiling brightly with no dark circles under her eyes. The man next to her was tall, with black hair and friendly looking. But, it was the two boys in the photo who caught my attention. One of them was Aiden, only younger. I would recognize that smile anywhere. His hair was a lot shorter and he was a little thinner, but one of the two was definitely Aiden. The problem was, I had no idea which one.

The boys in the picture were identical twins.

Aiden stepped up next to me and saw what I was looking at. I turned to him with an incredulous expression on my face, unsure of what to say, because he had a blank expression on his face.

"You’re family?" I asked.

He gave a small nod and touched the photo.

"That’s my dad, and this…" he said, moving his finger lower, to one of the boys, "my brother, Asher."

I wanted to ask him where they were, but before I could Aiden placed his hands on my shoulders, turned me to face him and then kissed me. It was a soft kiss, but enough to have me craving more. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer, nibbling his bottom lip until he opened and I dipped my tongue in to taste his mouth. Aiden closed his eyes and pressed in deeper, I felt him rolling his hips forward and his cock inflating against my thigh, but suddenly his mother’s voice intruded again.

"Aiden! Before you go bring me my drink!"

Aiden cursed under his breath. "Be right back." he told me, and then with a growl, he pulled away and stormed out of the room.

I stood silently, staring at his family picture. Aiden had a brother? A twin brother? I wondered if that was why he seemed to close to Chris and Tony. If Aiden and his brother were anything like my brothers, then they were very close. But if that was the case, why wasn’t his brother there?

I heard something in the hall and looked up just in time to see Aiden disappear through another door carrying a wine glass and a bottle of something that I was sure was stronger than wine. Then there was muffled arguing for a few minutes before I heard a door open and I stepped away from the picture.

When Aiden came back to his room he had a smile on his face, but I could tell that it wasn’t real. His eyes gave him away. They were sad, maybe a little angry.

"Ready?" he asked, grabbing his jacket and shrugging it on.

I decided that it would be best not to ask questions now, although, I had a lot of them. Like, where was his brother? Or his father for that matter. The only person in his family I had ever even heard about was his mother, and I hadn't heard very much at that. But, if Aiden had a twin walking around, it’s a safe bet that I would have noticed.

In the truck we were both quiet, but it wasn’t the comfortable kind, at least for me. I was waiting for him to start the conversation, mostly because I sensed he was agitated about something, and I’m was pretty sure that that something was his mom. So I waited him out, knowing that he’d start talking when he was ready. I didn’t have to wait long. We had already passed the mall and I was heading out of town.

"I thought you wanted to see a movie." Aiden said.

"I do." I smiled.

"But…" he stopped and looked over at me with a grin on his face, "drive-in?"

"Unless you don’t want to."

"Sounds good." he sighed, leaning back in his seat again. "I’m glad you came over tonight, Owen."

I felt him lift my hand from where it was resting on the seat, and when his fingers intertwined with mine, I squeezed and glanced over at him.

"Me too." I nodded. "I missed hanging out with you this week."

He started to massage my hand with both of his. God it felt good. It sent shivers all the way up my arm. It was like discovering that holding hands could feel erotic.

"Yeah, it’s been sort of crazy this week." He replied, "I mean, with work and all."

"School." I added.

"Making sure Ryan got all his homework." Aiden smiled. "You know, I don’t know why we bothered picking it up for him, he just talked Lacy into doing all the work for him anyways."

I smiled and then glanced over at Aiden again.

"Aiden?"

"Yeah?"

"Does, Ryan, um…does he know about you? That you're…"

"Gay? Yeah, he does. Everyone I care about knows."

"So, does that mean you’re like, out?"

"Well…I don’t exactly go around advertising it, Owen. Being gay is part of who I am, not who I am. But, I don’t hide it either. If someone asked me point blank, I wouldn’t deny it."

"But, what about school? I mean, people can be less than friendly."

"People can be less than friendly without knowing you’re gay." Aiden pointed out. "I don’t think very many people around school know about me, though. But, if they did and had a problem with it, fuck ‘em. I’m not too worried about it. Like I said, everyone who matters already knows, so if it got out, it wouldn’t matter."

I fell silent for a minute, thinking about that. I had been outed at school once before, but I never actually had to go back to deal with it. I wasn’t sure if I’d have Aiden’s confidence if it happened here. Part of me wanted to say that it wouldn’t matter, I don’t care what other people think, but deep down, I still had demons to deal with.

What if someone did find out? What would happen? I could take care of myself, so logically I knew that if someone did start a fight, I’d be okay. But it would be different. Dennis had picked a fight with me at the dance and reasoned that it was because he didn’t want a ‘fag’ to beat him. But he had no way of knowing that I was gay. Would it be different if he had? Would that punch have meant something different then?

What if someone wanted to attack me just for being gay and no other reason? Would I handle that like any other fight? Would I be able to defend myself? Or would I freeze up? The very thought led me to a flashback of my own father standing over me as he drove his steel toed boot into my ribs. For a second there I thought I could feel the pain again and all the color drained from my face as I stared at the road ahead.

I must have been silent for longer than I thought, because I realized that Aiden had stopped massaging my hand, and was only holding it loosely, like he thought I was going to pull it away. I glanced over and he was staring at me in a way I couldn’t read. I instinctively squeezed his hand and his grip tightened again, immediately making me feel better.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah." I insisted, "Just lost in thought, I guess."

We fell silent for a few more minutes, and then Aiden spoke again.

"Let me ask you something, Owen. Would it bother you, if I was out at school?"

I glanced over at him for as long as I could before I needed to look at the road again.

"Why would it?" I asked.

"Let me put it another way." He was beginning to sound annoyed, but hadn't let go of my hand yet, "If I was out at school, would we still be here now?"

"I still don’t know what you’re talking about." I said honestly.

"Here. Would we be here, going to a movie if everyone knew I was gay?" He replied, sounding exasperated. "Or would we talk at school while other people were around? You’re obviously not ‘out’ yet, and I doubt you’re ready to be. If I was ‘out’ would you want other people knowing that you hung around a queer? What if they started saying something about you? Would you still want to be friends with me out in the open?"

For some reason, that question, as fair as it seemed, pissed me off. I found my response to be immediate, without even having a chance to think about it first.

"First of all, even if I wasn’t gay, I have a gay brother. And I would never hide the fact that I love him just to keep my secret. Second, at this point, I wouldn’t deny any of my gay friends to anyone, for any reason. Having gay friends has little to do with my own sexuality. And as far as you, personally, goes, I guess if you came out at school it would bother me. Yes." I squeezed his hand when he started to let go of mine, and I quickly continued, "But not for the reasons you’re thinking. Maybe it wouldn’t bother you if someone gave you a hard time about it, but it would bother the hell out of me. If someone like Dennis Gordon or Phil Clayton decided to start shit with you because you’re gay, I don’t think I would handle it very well. But that has nothing to do with me either, really. It has to do with you being my friend. And you’re right, I’m not exactly ready to be ‘out,’ but that’s my prerogative. But, if anyone I cared about walked up to me tomorrow and asked if I went with another boy to the drive in movies because I wanted to do more then watch a show, then no, I wouldn’t deny it either…but that’s just a few people, Aiden. I’m not sure I would tell the truth to anyone else. But, if people found out you were gay, I really wouldn’t walk away from you."

While I caught my breath, Aiden became silent again, but he had resumed massaging my hand. When I felt him kiss my palm I glanced over to see him brushing my fingers against his lips with a sly, lecherous smirk on his face.

"More than watch a show, huh?" he remarked, "What else did you have in mind?" and with that, he parted his lips, guided my index finger into his mouth and began sucking.

At first, I had no idea what he was doing, but as he sucked my finger I became increasingly surprised at how he was turning my hand into an erogenous zone. I watched the road as my mouth seemed to go dry and he alternated between my fingers, stopping in between to kiss my palm. I looked over at him as much as I could without taking my eyes off the road, and each time he was looking directly at me, his mouth moving over my hand. There was so much sexual innuendo in his expression that I thought I’d come in my pants and I had only just started to get hard. I began to wonder if I could get arrested for driving under seduction.

"Um, Aiden…" I noticed immediately that my voice seemed a lot deeper than normal, "I’m driving."

He removed his mouth from my hand long enough to say, "So watch the road."

And I watched the road, but my concentration was on the affect his mouth seemed to have on me. Tuesday morning came to mind. I had experienced his mouth first hand then, how it felt around my cock. But I had yet to touch Aiden the way that he had touched me, and suddenly, that’s all I could think about- all of the things I wanted to do to Aiden’s body. But a flashback of Dan entered my mind, cutting into every lecherous thought I was having. It was an unwelcome intrusion, but one I had to deal with.

"Aiden?" I found myself reluctantly pulling my hand away from his mouth, locking my fingers with his again.

"Yeah?"

"Um…about tonight, you know, doing more than watching a movie…"

"Yeah." I could hear the smile in his voice and I couldn’t help the way my own lips curled up.

"Well, remember Tuesday morning?"

"Uh-huh."

"When I said that I think we should let things happen naturally?"

Aiden fell silent for a moment and I was beginning to wonder if he was taking this discussion the wrong way, when he spoke up again.

"Were you not ready for that?" he asked.

"No! I mean, yes, I was." I glanced over at him briefly and held his hand a little tighter, "I mean, that was…what you did…that was really, great." I heard Aiden laughing, probably at the goofy grin on my face, so I shook it off and continued. "It’s just that, we never really talked about stuff first."

"Stuff?"

I sighed, beginning to feel a little foolish about bringing any of this up in the first place. It wasn’t like we were little kids; if we wanted to screw around a little then it shouldn’t have been a big deal. Only, I didn’t want to just screw around with Aiden.

"Yeah." I said, "It’s just that, I don’t really know what we’re doing here, Aiden. I like you. A lot. And, there are so many things…God, when I’m around you it’s like I’m walking around in a wet dream half the time." Aiden giggled but silenced himself when I shot him a look, but then I started laughing too. "I’m sorry. I guess I just want to know what we’re doing. I mean, are we just fucking around? Not that I wouldn’t mind that, it’s just that I’ve never…"

"You’ve never what?" he asked, his voice taking on a more serious tone, "Owen…Tuesday wasn’t your first time…?"

"No." I stated, "No, it wasn’t. I’ve done things before, Aiden. But only with one other person. And the last time, it was…different. It wasn’t bad, but, I always told myself that the next time would be with someone who I really care about. I do care about you, but I don’t know what we’re doing. I don’t even know if there is a we…is there?" I glanced over at him again, only finding another smile on his face.

"Oh yea." He grinned, "There is definitely a we." But then he became serious again. "Look Owen, I won’t lie to you. I’ve fucked around before, and I’ve been with more than one person. But, when I find someone I really like, that one person is enough. You’re the only one I’m interested in, and to be honest, I don’t think I’d like it very much if you um, started spending your time with someone else."

I smiled to myself. I hadn’t expected to hear something like that, but I was glad I did. I don’t think I ever could have thought of Aiden as just a fuck. I wanted more from him. I wasn’t sure what yet, this was new to me. But I knew I wanted something. Call me greedy, but part of that something was that I wanted Aiden to me mine. All mine. Mine. At least when it came to a sexual relationship.

"So," Aiden said after a moment, "This other guy you were with…was he special?"

My smile faded as I thought of Dan again. I wondered exactly how I should explain him to Aiden, or if I was ready to at all. I wanted to be honest with Aiden, but the truth was, the issue of Dan seemed…complicated.

I had to think about my answer, and, thinking about it prompted me to try and sort out exactly what Dan Pierce was to me.

………….

When you’re a seventeen-year-old boy, truly discovering sex for the first time, it isn’t exactly something that you can get enough of. Sorry, but that’s just logic to me. Those of us with penises tend to want to stick them somewhere as soon as we know how.

Masturbation is nice and all, but after that first time with another, warm body, it can seem a poor substitute. At least, it did to me after Dan Pierce came into my life.

That first day I drove him home from school, I was so nervous. It wasn’t because I was afraid of him. If you knew Dan Pierce, you’d know that there was nothing to be afraid of.

We were the same age, but he was built like…well, like a boy. He wasn’t exactly the image of the tall, raw, masculine man that would pop into my head while I was masturbating, willing myself to think of Anna Crossle or any other number of girls. No. Dan was just…Dan.

Not to say that he wasn’t attractive. He was no taller than five foot seven and his body was lean, and thin. If I had to come up with one word to describe Dan, it would be, cute.

He had a mop of fluffy, brownish hair on his head that just looked like it would be soft to touch, like the rest of him. And he had these big, chocolate eyes. They weren’t just wide, but they had a round shape to them. The guy definitely had a knack for making puppy dog faces. He had a small nose flecked with freckles and his face was just young and boyish. But, if there was one thing about Dan that turned me on, I’d have to say that it was his skin.

He had the palest skin that I had ever seen. If you have ever heard the term, glow in the dark, used to describe someone, that would be Dan. He was incapable of developing a suntan. He had the sort of complexion that required sunscreen on a cloudy day, and his entire complexion was smooth, unmarked and unblemished, except for the patch of freckles on his back, right between his shoulder blades.

I was definitely not afraid of Dan that first day, but I was terrified of the feeling I got around him. It was a strange feeling, like I knew that we had something in common. Only, that something was the same thing I had been trying to hide about myself. I just knew, that if I was around Dan long enough, something would change for me. Something huge. And something did change.

After that first day everything seemed different to me. I had always known that I was gay, but with my parents, it wasn’t something that I was happy about. I think a small part of me still believed that if ignored it, it would go away.

There was no more ignoring it when I met Dan. At least, hiding it from myself was no longer an option, and I definitely couldn’t hide it from Dan. Dan was a revelation for me. A sexual revelation. I had messed around with girls but it was nothing compared to the places where Dan took me.

And I loved the sex. I mean, what guy wouldn’t? And Dan never once failed to disappoint me. When I was with him, I actually felt worshiped. His eagerness to please me, and his willingness to share and allow me to explore his body, was something that kept me coming back repeatedly.

I don’t want to say that Dan was just a fuck, because he was far more than that. He was there for me at a time in my life when I needed someone to confide in. Dan knew me better than anyone else I had contact with. He became the one person in the world that I could confide in, and his friendship was, and will always be, one of the most important in my entire life.

But, as much as I liked the sex and the ability to explore a whole new side of who I was, I had no romantic feelings for Dan. I won’t lie and say I tried to feel that way about him, because I didn’t. I did care about him, just not in that way. Looking back, I think that’s the biggest thing that I feel guilty about, because Dan did feel that way.

Maybe it wasn’t like that at first, but as we got closer, it became painfully clear that Dan was developing feelings for me that I couldn’t return. He never asked me to out myself and he never pushed, but it was there. He was also aware that I was completely hung up on Nicky, and although he didn’t mention it very often, that was one of Dan’s biggest problems with me.

It was only three weeks before the accident, three weeks before the rug was rudely pulled out from under me and my whole world changed, when I realized just how much of a problem Dan had with Nicky.

I was at my parent’s house on a Saturday afternoon. It was tradition to spend Saturdays with Nicky. He was my best friend, after all. We usually spent Saturdays at my place, and then Saturday nights I had dinner with his family.

At my house we used the basement my parents had turned into a second family room. We never used it as that; it was just a place where I entertained my friends. We could be just about as loud as we wanted to without bothering anyone.

This particular Saturday, Anna had joined us. I loved Anna, I really did, but I hated when she imposed on mine and Nicky’s Saturdays. Mostly because she liked to hang all over him and make me jealous. Not that she did it on purpose. But she still did it.

But, I had to give it to Anna. She never liked for me to feel left out when she showed up on Saturdays, so she always made sure to bring one of her friends with her, considering that I was always available.

That day it was a girl named Rachel. I didn’t mind her so much because she never expected anything from me; she just liked to make out. And kissing, I could do. But, while Rachel was straddling my lap on the sofa, her tongue rapidly assaulting my mouth, I was getting as horny as hell. My cock felt sore in my jeans, trying to burst it’s way out, but it had nothing to do with Rachel. I was looking past her, at Nicky and Anna. Or, more specifically, Nicky.

Anna had her hands up Nicky’s shirt, and the bottom was pushed up over his flat, muscled stomach. I could see the glow of the thin layer of sweat covering his body and the outline of his erection through his jeans.

Nicky saw me watching and winked at me, so I placed my hands on Rachel’s hips and pulled her closer, pretending that I was into what we were doing.

But I wasn’t into it, not with Rachel. She was wearing lip-gloss that tasted like bananas, and her feminine perfume was invading my nostrils and giving me a headache. I wanted so bad to push her off of me, walk over to Nicky, throw Anna out and show him just how much better I could make his body feel than she could. I mean, Anna’s hand had brushed up against his cock more than once, but each time she strayed away from it. Maybe I was just being unreasonable, but if it were me in her position, I would be begging him to let me suck it, taste it, smell it, it didn’t matter. I wanted Nicky, and in my opinion, no one could appreciate him the way that I could.

I was just about to go insane, watching the way Anna’s hands were sliding around under Nicky’s shirt, while Rachel’s perfume was making me nauseous, when the phone rang. It rang a few times before it stopped, meaning that my mother had picked it up. I heard her voice from upstairs a few moments later.

"Owen! Phone!"

Rachel pouted when I guided her off of my lap and got up to go pick up the wall phone at the bottom of the stairs. Nicky had pulled away from Anna and was looking at me curiously, so I just shrugged at him and picked up the phone.

"I’ve got it mom." I said, and after the click, "Hello."

"Hey big guy."

The voice on the other end was one I’d recognize anywhere, and at the moment, it was putting me on edge. Nicky and the girls were both watching me now, so I turned towards the wall and spoke in a hushed voice.

"Damn it, Dan." I cursed, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Sorry." He giggled, "I know I shouldn’t have called today, but I’ve decided that I have to see you."

"You know I cant." I stated.

I heard him groan on the other end of the phone.

"Don’t tell me Nicky again." Dan sighed, "Let me guess, he’s sucking his girlfriends face off right in front of you and driving you nuts. Christ Owen, when are you going to wake up and realize that the guy’s straight?"

"I know he is." I shot back, getting a little annoyed. Dan rarely mentioned Nicky, but when he did, it was usually to tease me, "Look, I can’t talk right now."

"Whatever." Dan replied, "Listen, Owen, when you get tired of fucking with whatever chick you’ve got over there right now to impress your straight friend, come on over. My parents decided to go out of town for the weekend so I could use the company."

Dan hung up the phone before I could respond and a grimaced to myself. Damn him. He knew that I spent Saturdays with Nicky. He also knew that I would come over the moment he mentioned that his parents were out of town.

I’m not sure how long I just stood there, staring the phone after I hung it up, but when Nicky suddenly touched my shoulder I jumped and turned around to face him.

"You okay, Owe? Who was that?"

I probably opened and closed my mouth a few times without any sounds actually coming out. Nicky didn’t exactly know about my friendship with Dan. Actually, he didn’t even know that I knew him.

"Hey," I sighed, glancing over Nicky’s shoulder to where Anna and Rachel were talking on the sofa, "I’ve gotta go for a while. You guys can hang out here, I know my parents won’t mind…can we meet up later?"

"Go?" Nicky repeated, "Where do you have to go, Owen? Who was on the phone?" he was looking at me like I’d lost my head, but then he glanced back at Rachel, and then back at me and he grinned one of those huge Nicky smiles that I’d grown accustomed to since I was hardly out of diapers. "You’ve got another girl!"

I grimaced. Dan was in no way a girl, and I really hated lying to Nicky, but I suppose I had been lying to him for a lot longer than I cared to admit.

"I just gotta go for a while." I repeated, "We’ll meet up later, okay?"

"Sure," Nicky grinned, punching my shoulder, "Don’t worry about the girls, I’ll cover for you."

"Thanks Nicky."

"Not a problem, but you’ll tell me who she is later, right?"

"Um, sure." I shrugged, and then left before he could come up with any more questions.

I ended up sneaking out of my house without my parents knowing. When I had Nicky or girls over they tended to leave me alone. My dad knew that Nicky was all testosterone, and because of that, in my father’s mind, Nicky couldn’t be gay. My parents even encouraged me to have girls over. Girls meant that I was on the happy-hetero path. So, if Nicky was going to hang around my house for a while with Rachel and Anna, I doubted that I would be missed.

I didn’t really care about what I would have to do later to explain things to Anna and Rachel, or even Nicky. I would come up with something later. Now, I needed to see Dan.

In part I was annoyed with him for calling when he knew that Nicky would be over, but as I drove over to his house, all I could think about was replacing the taste of Rachel’s girly lip gloss with Dan’s soft, boyish, firm lips.

Like I said before, Dan knew me well enough to know that I’d be coming over. The garage door half way up, enough for me to duck under. I didn’t need to bother knocking, or even to announce my presence.

I entered the house through the connecting door at the garage, and I went straight up to the second floor where the door to Dan’s bedroom was cracked open enough for me to see him.

He had just taken a shower and his hair was still dripping. The towel around his waist hung all the way to his knees and he was in front of a set of drawers, digging out a clean pair of underwear.

My cock had softened some since my time in the basement, longing over Nicky, but as Dan dropped his towel, revealing his soft, round, ashen white ass and bent down to step into the shorts, it seemed to spring back to life without much thought involved.

Dan never got the chance to step into his underwear. He let them drop and stood up against me as I wrapped my arms around him from behind and dipped my head down to lick at that spot just below his ear, the one that always caused him to shiver.

"That was fast." Dan remarked as he tilted his head back to give me better access and placed his hands over mine, guiding them down his thin stomach to the curly thatch of brown pubic hair, still damp from his shower. I pushed my fingers through it, and then wrapped them securely around his erection and squeezed. That was one thing about Dan, I don’t think I had ever, seen him soft.

But I was forced to release him when he suddenly spun around and cupped the back of my head, pulling me down for a kiss. His lips were always demanding, but then so were his teeth, and his tongue. He bit my lower lip and tugged until I opened my mouth and sucked his tongue in. At the same time, his hands aggressively pushed my shirt up until I was struggling my way out of it, and then I pulled him to me again, taking hold of his ass and lifting him against me, not a difficult task, considering that he was so small.

Holding him up, our erections pinned between our bodies, I pulled him backwards until the backs of my legs hit the edge of his bed and I allowed myself to fall backwards, pulling Dan firmly over me. My fingers slipped between the crack of his ass and he pushed his but back, against my hand, silently telling me what he wanted.

I traced his cleft with my fingers, brushing against his hole as his ass bucked back against my hand again, lifting higher into the air as I continued along the soft trail and pressed lightly against his perineum. He whimpered at the contact, into my mouth, before suddenly pulling away.

I propped myself up on my elbows, breathing heavily as I watched Dan slide off the bed, between my knees, grinning up at me as he unbuttoned my jeans and tugged both them and my boxers down in a hurry. I lifted my hips to assist him and released a small grunt as my cock sprang free and slapped against my stomach.

When Dan had my pants down to my knees he leaned forward and licked my inner thigh. My breath hitched as he left a small hickey there and he reached down, pulling off my shoes and socks. I resisted the urge to kick off my pants; instead I let Dan remove them and sank back against the bed as he ran his tongue up each of my thighs, stopping to nurse the hickey he had left.

His hand slid up and fondled my balls as he hovered over me, dipping his tongue down to lick the pre-come pooling on my stomach and then he gently kissed the head of my erection before pointedly pressing his tongue against the tiny slit. I gasped and closed my eyes as he continued to lick and tease the head of my cock, just enjoying all of the sensations that his tongue and lips were inflicting.

"Is this what you dream about Nicky doing to you?"

My eyes snapped open after hearing that. Like I said, Dan, rarely ever mentioned Nicky, least of all when my dick was so close to his mouth. And, there was an edge in his voice, something that sounded like anger.

I started to sit up, but before I could he opened his lips and guided my erection between them, his mouth sliding down my length until I felt his throat contracting around me and I fell back again, arching my hips up as he pulled back off, until only the head was in his mouth before he went down again.

I inhaled my moans as my eyes rolled back and my hips involuntarily began to thrust upwards, in time with his mouth as his head bobbed over me. It felt as good as it always did, his tongue pressing against the underside of my shaft, his throat squeezing the head of my erection and his hand fondling my balls. Dan knew exactly how to get me worked up and he knew how to do it fast. It was only a few minutes later when I was close to coming and he pulled off again.

"Nicky will never be there for you like I am. Admit it, Owen, you’re wasting your time thinking about him all the time."

This time, as he moved to take my cock back in his mouth, I sat up, placed my hands on his shoulders and pushed him back. These little remarks of his were not going unnoticed. Actually, they were downright frustrating.

"Why are you doing this?" I demanded, "Since when do you care so much about Nicky?"

It’s not like he had to tell me that Nicky wasn’t gay. I knew it, and I also knew that nothing would ever happen between my best friend and me. So why was Dan bringing this up? More importantly, why was he bringing it up now?

"I don’t care about Nicky." Dan retorted. He was attempting to sound nonchalant and failing miserably. "You’re the one who does, remember? I was just trying to help, you know - I figured it might be easier for you to be with me if you could think about him."

I just gaped at Dan. He was sitting back on his heels, naked, his cock erect against his belly and nose level to my erection. Dan had an odd ability to appear confident no matter what the situation, being naked and kneeling in front of a guy twice his size, like me, was no exception. But this time, there was something behind his big brown eyes that didn’t feel right.

I’d always known that he thought my fascination with Nicky was unhealthy, but he had never made an issue of it before. I think staring at him then, watching whatever storm was going on behind his eyes that day, was the first time that I acknowledged that he wanted more from me than just sex.

I had known it before, but it was always something that I brushed off into the back of my mind, just another thing that I thought would go away in time. I was such an asshole. Dan had feelings for me that I didn’t want to acknowledge because I couldn’t return them. If I were even half a decent person I would have stopped screwing around with him. I would have left him alone. But I was too selfish. I needed him. He was the only person in my life who was real, the only person in the world who knew my secrets.

I reached down and grasped his wrists, and then pulled him up without protest. I pulled him onto the bed and stretched out next to him, wrapping my arm around him and pulling him against my chest, which he was suddenly looking at, rather than my face, as his index finger traced small circles around my right nipple. I stared down at the top of his head as I let my hand travel up and down his back, from between his shoulder blades all the way down his ass.

"I don’t need to think about anyone to be with you, Dan." I said softly.

He lifted his head and his brown eyes board into mine. Something about that look wanted me to break eye contact, but I held his gaze.

"You’re in love with him." It was a statement, not at all a question.

"I do love Nicky." I nodded, "I’ve known him forever, Dan."

"He’s not gay, Owen!" Dan suddenly shouted, pushing away from me.

I sat up, stunned by his raised voice. Dan never shouted at me. We had never even argued. Sure, there had been the usual banter and teasing, but never a real argument or fight. I didn’t know what do think of it and frankly, it scared me. Our relationship wasn’t supposed to have arguments and fights. Dan was supposed to be my escape, the only place I had to go when I wanted to just be me, forget about everything else.

I wouldn’t realize just how wrong that way of thinking was until after it was too late.

"I know he’s not." I stated, "And I didn’t mean it like that, Dan. I love him, but I really don’t know what kind of love. He’s my best friend, and you knew I was going to be with him today!"

"I know." He began to pace back and forth, his pink colored erection still hard and swaying back and forth in front of him with every movement, "I know. And I’m sorry; I know I shouldn’t have called like that. But I’m tired of this Owen."

"Tired of what?" I asked cautiously, suddenly wishing that I wasn’t naked.

"This." He frowned, "You, moping around about Nicky. And then with the girls. I know you were with a girl before you came here, and don’t lie - I could taste her on you."

"What do you expect me to do?" I demanded, "You know about my parents, Dan. If we started hanging out away from here…"

"I know." He stopped and glared at me again, "I’m not asking you to come out Owen. I don’t know what I’m asking you for…it’s just I …you’re in love with him?"

I sighed and lowered my eyes, honestly not knowing the answer to that. I felt like I was too young to know what really being in love meant. But, I knew one thing for sure, whatever it was that I did feel for Nicky, was stronger than anything I ever knew. It had been growing since we were little kids. We had always had a bond, and as we grew older, the attraction I felt towards him had grown as well.

"Do you love me, Owen?"

The question caught me off guard and my eyes snapped up to Dan’s again. I think in that second, seeing the sudden desperation in his eyes, I truly wished that I did love him, at least in the way that he wanted me to.

"You know I care about you, Dan." I sighed, "And I do love you. You’re the only person in the world who really understands me. I…"

"But you don’t love me like you love Nicky." His shoulders slumped and he lowered his eyes. I knew he was hurting, but I also knew Dan. He wasn’t going to cry. Dan wasn’t the type that cried. "Could you love me, Owen? Could you try?"

The one thing I had never done, was lie to Dan. He was the only one. He was the only one I had made a point to be utterly honest with. I was not going to start lying to him now. I couldn’t. He’d probably see through it anyways. So, I hung my head and slightly shook my head.

"I can’t." I whispered, "I’m sorry, Dan. I can’t. Not the way you want me to."

The silence that followed was deafening. It made my sick to my stomach. There was a pain in my chest, a void that hadn’t been there a few moments ago. I felt guilty for feeling it there. I wasn’t the one who had just had my heart stomped one. I didn’t have the right to feel that kind of pain.

Finally, I reached for my pants and started to get up.

"I’m sorry." I mumbled, "I’ll go."

But, before I could pick up my pants Dan was in front of me, with his hands on my chest as I looked down at him, and those desperate chocolate eyes staring up at me. Now I really felt like the scum of the earth.

"Please don’t leave." He said, leaning into me, cuddling up against my chest, his erection pressing up against my thigh. "Please don’t leave, Owen. Please. You can stay. You can try. I know you can love me. I can give you what he can’t. Please stay. He’ll never be able to give you what I can."

All I could do was put my arms around him and pull him closer. I just wanted to comfort him. I wanted to do anything I could to comfort him. When I felt him kissing my chest I hugged him tighter. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t just tell him that I could never give him what he was asking for. I had already hurt him enough.

As I held him, I felt Dan melt against my chest and his arms went around me as his mouth moved over my collarbone in wet kisses. I sighed and relaxed against him as much as I could without making him fall over.

"I’m sorry Dan." I whispered. It was all I could say in the situation. And I was sorry, sorry that I didn’t return the feelings that he deserved.

"Shh," he hushed me, "you can try Owen, I know you can. You’ll see, he’ll never be able to give you what I can."

I pulled back a little, needing to tell him that this had nothing to do with Nicky. Yes, I had feelings for Nicky, but when it came to Dan, I just wasn’t interested in the type of relationship he wanted. Before I could hell him though, his was kissing me again, taking my hand and leading me back to the bed.

"Please stay, Owen." He said again, "Please say you’ll stay."

In my mind, I knew that I shouldn’t. Knowing about his feeling for me, knowing that I could never feel the same about him, I knew that I should go. If I stayed, it wouldn’t be fair to Dan, but instead, I found myself nodding, and taking comfort in the soft smile that spread across his lips.

I turned and watched as he moved onto the bed, lying down on his back; he stretched out, hands behind his head and he slightly parted his legs. I knew what he wanted. It was the same thing he always wanted.

I moved over to the bed and stretched my body over his, bracing my arms on either side of him as I stared down at him, and then slowly lowered myself and kissed his cheek. An audible sigh escaped him as he tilted his head back and I moved my mouth over his throat, nipping the skin there and then following my teeth with my tongue.

I worked my way down to his left nipple. Dan had such tiny nipples, and I pulled the whole thing gently between my teeth, suckling and flicking my tongue over the tiny bead. His hand came to the back of my head and his fingers gripped my hair as he moaned and his whole body arched up towards me. I thrust my hips slowly, tracing the length of his cock with the head of my erection, smearing my pre-come over his organ.

I moved my thumbs under his armpits, gently rubbing against the thin hair there and he squirmed, but his hands trustingly remained locked behind his head and his hips thrust upwards as my mouth continued it’s way down his stomach, my tongue circling his naval before moving down his body, grazing the head of his erection.

I lifted Dan’s knees, and he spread his legs wider as I bypassed his cock and closed my mouth over his heavy balls, opening wide and taking him in, swirling my tongue over them together before repeating the process on each one individually while I moved my thumb into the cleft of his ass.

Dan’s breathing began to quicken and his whole body arched as I pressed against his perineum, tracing town until I pressed against his pink little hole. I lifted his left leg higher and traced down the same path with my tongue, licking up and down his cleft until his arms left the back of his head and his hands gripped the sheets as writhed and shook.

Maybe I couldn’t return the feelings that Dan had for me, but I could at least show him that I cared about him in the only way I knew how.

I flicked over his hole with my tongue again and he pushed back towards my face, whimpering when I teasingly pulled away and them moved back for more, working my way around and over his entrance as his hole twitched against my tongue, and then I pushed in, earning myself an appreciative cry from Dan as his body clamped down around the tip of my tongue and his legs splayed out to the sides, his knees slightly lifted.

When I moved my tongue back to his balls I replaced it at his hole with my middle finger, gently pushing in with little resistance. Dan and I had spent a lot of time learning each other’s bodies, and his favorite thing was when I pushed my fingers through his hole and massaged his prostate until he came.

He had asked me to do it one of the first times we had had sex. At first I didn’t see the appeal, and I was completely uncomfortable with him doing it to me. Anal sex or anything getting close to my anus was still a frightening thing to me. I was always satisfied with the blowjobs and make-out sessions that we got into. But Dan loved it when I played with his ass, and honestly, I loved playing with it. He had a great ass, and there was nothing sexier than the look on his face, while I rubbed against his prostate, right before he came.

Only a second after I had my finger buried in him I brushed up against the spongy knot and his whole body jumped, his knees lifted again and he placed his hands on my head where I was still suckling his balls.

"Please," Dan whimpered, "Please, use another finger." He barely got the words out, and if I hadn’t already known what he wanted I may not have understood him. Two fingers always seemed to be what Dan needed before he was pushing back against my hand and thrashing in the bed. This time was no exception. Only once I had two fingers working him, he asked for another this time.

I had never used three fingers with him before, but because he was asking, I did it, surprised at the way his hole stretched to accommodate my probing digits, and the sounds coming from deep in his throat were practically echoing off the walls. I mercilessly aimed for his prostate, determined to make him come without having to touch his cock, which was exactly the way Dan liked it.

But just as my fingers began to cramp from his body clenching down on them, Dan sat up on his elbows and looked down at me with a glassed over look in his eyes. I dropped his balls from my mouth and leaned forward, letting him meet me half way for an aggressive kiss as I continued to thrust my fingers into his ass.

Dan pulled away from the kiss, but kept his lips softly against mine as he reached for my erection, and as he squeezed I thrust my fingers in deeper, drawing groans from both of us.

"I want you to fuck me, Owen." He whispered against my mouth.

I closed my eyes and sighed, pushing my hips forward as he stroked my erection. It took another few seconds for his words to hit me, and when they did my eyes snapped open and I pulled away completely. My fingers left his ass so quickly it left his hole grasping around nothingness and Dan whimpered in protest.

"What?" I demanded. Like I said, anal sex was probably the only thing we hadn’t explored. Hell, we hadn’t even discussed it.

Dan leaned forward and grasped both of my wrists; as if he were afraid I was going to run away from him.

"Please?" he sighed, leaning in and kissing my cheek, "I want you to do this, Owen. I need to show you what I can give you."

"Dan, you don’t need to prove anything, look…"

"Please." He interrupted, "Please. I want this. Please, do it for me."

"I don’t want to hurt you." I shook my head. And that was true. It was also true that I was terrified of the idea. I not only didn’t want to hurt him, but I wasn’t sure that I was ready for it, especially if we were doing this for the wrong reasons.

"You won’t hurt me." he said a little forcefully, "We’ll just go slow. Please Owen, I need this."

I watched blankly as he reached for his nightstand, removing a bottle of lube. He lifted my hand and placed the lube in my palm, and again all I could do was stare. When Dan cupped the back of my head, pulling me to him for a kiss I could hardly even respond to him.

"Please Owen. Do it for me."

For him. Was this really what he needed? It’s not like I didn’t want to do it. Every hormone in my body was telling me that I wanted to do it. But I was still afraid. I pulled back from Dan’s kiss and looked him in the eyes, trying to search for some sort of answer there, all I saw was his pleading look, and I had it.

I swallowed and let out a breath before tearing my eyes from his face and I looked around the room. I spotted my jeans on the floor and reached for them, taking note of the sudden look of panic that crossed Dan’s face when I pulled my pants onto the bed. I gave him a reassuring kiss before I dug my wallet out of the back pocket and then removed the single condom from it.

The condom was something I always carried around. Me and Nicky both had one, although, Nicky had sex all the time with Anna, but always bought condoms other than the one he carried around. I wasn’t sure if the both of us carrying them around was supposed to be symbolic or not, but we had always made sure to have one with us, ever since we were fifteen. I think that a few years before, it had just made us feel older.

My hands were shaking when I tried to open the wrapper, and I couldn’t do it, so Dan took it from me, tore the wrapper open, before placing the condom on his knee for a moment as he took the lube and smeared the cool gel over my engorged cock. I hissed in a breath from the cool contact and jumped a little, but then latched onto his eyes as he rolled the condom over my erection, and then slowly added another coat of lube.

His eyes seemed confident again, and for some reason that made me feel better. I only wished that I felt as confident as he looked. I picked up the lube again and then looked at Dan questioningly.

"Um, how do you want to do this?" I croaked out, "I’ve never done this before."

Dan smiled and leaned forward to kiss me. I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Maybe I was stalling, I’m not sure. It felt so surreal. When I had left Nicky in my house only an hour before I never would have thought that the day would turn out like this. Dan finally pulled away from the kiss and cupped my cheek with his palm, flashing a reassuring smile.

"I think this way will be easier." He said as he turned over onto his stomach and stretched out on the bed, spreading his legs again.

I looked down at him, running my hand down his back and over his butt, feeling as he shivered under my touch. He really was a beautiful person. Despite my fear, everything about Dan in that moment was desirable.

I moved to kneel between his legs as I warmed some of the lube on my fingers. I dipped my hands into his cleft and pried the cheeks of his ass apart, revealing his puckered hole, still red from my fingers, and when I pushed two fingers into him I found that he was still stretched from before.

I worked more lube into him as he sighed and moaned softly beneath me. I think I added lube until Dan insisted that it was enough, and then very carefully, I lined my cock up with his hole.

I kissed the patch of mesmerizing freckles in his back as his body went still beneath me and then I started to push in. I wasn’t really expecting so much resistance. Dan noticeable tensed and gasped and I immediately stopped.

"No!" he stated, "Please don’t stop Owen."

"I don’t want to hurt you." I argued, my voice sounding a lot more panicked than I wanted it to be.

"You’re not, just go slow, okay?"

I frowned, genuinely concerned that I would hurt him, but after rubbing his back for a moment I placed my hands on his hips and held him still as I pushed in again.

When the head of my cock pushed past his sphincter, it was so tight that it was painful. I groaned as Dan whimpered and I paused.

"Oh god." I moaned, "I’m sorry." I had hurt him. I started to pull out but Dan whimpered again.

"No!" he cried, "Don’t pull out. Just don’t move for a sec, please, just don’t move!"

I could hear the pain in his voice and I held myself completely still, as torturous as it was. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to thrust into him like crazy, he was so tight, or if I wanted to pull out completely to escape the intensity. But, Dan made the decision for me a few minutes later when he experimentally clenched his muscles around me and I groaned. His body was heaving with deep breaths and I gently rubbed his back, peppering his shoulders with kisses, still unsure if I was supposed to move or not.

"Now, Owen." He breathed.

I placed a hand on his hip again as he spread his legs wider, and slowly I began to push into him, inch my inch, pulling out to the head of my erection and then pushing in again. He was so warm, so tight; I was shaking, trying to control myself. But then Dan took over again and suddenly pushed back, crying out as I gasped. I looked down to see myself buried inside of him, my pubic hair resting on his ass. I had to take a moment, composing myself before I went over the edge. I wasn’t ready to come yet, buried inside of Dan. He had wanted this, and I didn’t want it over for him before it started.

When I started to move, I made long, controlled strokes. I was in heaven. I don’t think I had ever felt anything so wonderful as being inside of him. I guess it surprised me that Dan seemed to be enjoying it as much as I was.

As I continued to thrust into him he began to thrust back, matching my rhythm until we built a faster speed together. At some point during this, the realization of what was happening hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been so concerned over my fears that I didn’t take the time to realize how special it was that Dan was giving himself to me. He had offered his body. To me. It was probably the best gift anyone had ever given to me. But it made me incredibly sad to think that he was doing it for the wrong reasons.

He wanted me to love him, in a way that I didn’t know how. I couldn’t help thinking that this was a huge mistake. Dan was not just a fuck; he never would be just a fuck. I knew that I had to look at this experience as something special, for both of our sakes. So I didn’t stop, I finished. God did I finish. When his ass suddenly gripped my cock again in a strong burst of spasms I cried out and felt the tightening in my balls as the condom surrounding my erection filled with come. It seemed like so much, rope after rope of come that I was terrified that the condom would break.

When I finally pulled out of him, Dan whimpered again, and when he turned over, I was surprised to see that he had come all over the sheets and himself. I didn’t care about the mess, I just collapsed next to him and when he turned into me I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close because he was still trembling, and we just lay there for a while.

I was lost in thought when Dan propped himself up on an elbow and looked at me. When I saw the sad look on his face my stomach knotted up again, and again I was wishing that I could give him what he wanted.

"You can’t love me like that, can you?" he asked softly.

My face twisted into a frown and I pulled him close to me again, his face resting in the crook of my neck.

"I’m so sorry, Dan."

He sighed into my neck and I held him tighter.

"Just don’t leave me, Owen." He whispered, "I know I can’t have you, but I still want you."

"Never." I stated, "I’m not going anywhere."

I never would have thought then, that Dan would be the one leaving me three weeks later. Nicky was never brought up between us again, and that night was the first and last time that I felt the warmth of Dan’s body, from the inside. I still wish that I could have given him more.

…………

"So," Aiden said, "Was he special?"

I glanced over at Aiden again, smiling wanly to myself before I looked back out to the road ahead of me.

"Yeah." I sighed, "He was."

There was a moment of silence before Aiden lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles again.

"Will you tell me about him sometime?" Aiden asked.

I took a moment, and then slowly nodded.

"Yeah," I smiled, "I think maybe sometime, I’d like to tell you about him."