Jim and Chad, Part 2 - 18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

 

I'm startled awake by a warm, wet cloth on my face, and a familiar voice breaks through the haze of my slumber and quietly says, "Ssssshhhhh, it's just me." Then with a low chuckle, he adds, "I'm cleaning you up a little since I can't seem to get your sleepy ass into the shower. And, trust me, I've tried three times already."

 

I lie there in a haze as the hand behind the rag gently wipes my face. A small, dry towel replaces the wet rag and the hand gently dries my face. While I keep my eyes closed, the hand proceeds down over my chest, stomach, armpits and crotch doing the same thing as it did to my face. Then a second hand lifts both legs while the first cleans and dries my butt. When he's all done, the evaporating moisture cools me only to be replaced with a clean-feeling warmth when there's nothing left to evaporate.

 

Soon I feel the bed dip next to me and a warm hand on my chest, combing gently through the hair on my chest and stomach. I slowly open my eyes to take a good long look at my lover, my Chad. After a while I ask, "What time is it?"

 

Chad looks over to the clock, then back to me. "Just a little after eight."

 

"Good, you have time to take a shower before you leave. Make sure you go back clean."

 

The grin on Chad's face disappears immediately, then after a pause, he quietly says, "Yeah."

 

After a few more seconds, I ask, "How long was I asleep?"

 

"Not long, maybe ten minutes. But you sure as hell didn't move at all when I got up to go to the bathroom. Kinda like you were dead to the world."

 

I had to chuckle. "Well, you wore me out. You fucked me for a seriously long time, cause when I crawled into bed to start the last round, it was about seven."

 

With a cocky half-grin and some pride in his voice, Chad says, "The way I figure it, even with the trip out to the deck and back, I plugged you good for about 45 minutes. Your ass sore, bud?"

 

"Like never before. You outdid yourself this time." Then I think to myself, 'And no one else will ever be able to make me feel this good.'

 

I look back up into Chad's deep blue eyes. They look serious and sad again, and I wonder what he's thinking. Sometimes I've been able to figure out what he's thinking, but I can't seem to do that now. I sigh as I realize that now I'll never be able to really know what he's thinking, and it would have been such a cool thing if it had happened.

 

I reach up and stroke the side of his face and think how I'll never wake up to this truly handsome face ever again. I run my fingers all over his four-day old beard, letting it scratch my fingertips. I run a single finger tip over his upper lip, tracing the new mustache. Finally, I place a hand on each side of his face, letting my fingers slide down his face, tracing and memorizing the features for those times when he's no longer with me.

 

Like what happens to all good things, I eventually run out of face to touch, my fingers dropping off his chin and jaws. I put a hand back up to one side and ask, "Can you do one more thing for me?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Stay with me until I fall asleep again?" With a yawn and a chuckle I add, "Shouldn't take more than a minute, two tops."

 

Chad smiles his megawatt smile and quietly says, "Anything for you. Anything."

 

I turn on my left side and I feel him snuggle up behind me. He wraps his right arm around me and pulls us together, his hairy, warm chest pressed lightly against my back, his crotch against my butt, and his legs pushed firmly against mine. I reach down and intertwine my fingers in his.

 

With a chuckle I say, "Sorry, Chad, but you know me. I also have a few things I have to say before you go. Seems that I always have something to say." Chad acknowledges the truth in that statement with a loud chuckle that he tries to muffle against my back. I quickly add, "But then I'll shut up and let you go."

 

After a short pause, I start. "First, after I go to sleep tonight, don't get too comfortable and fall asleep with me. Get up, take your shower, and leave. If I find you here after midnight, don't ever expect to leave me. I'll tie you up and force you to stay with me forever." I pause for him to chuckle, but he doesn't. Then I quietly add, "But if you do stay here, you're a bigger fool than I ever thought. Sarah is your future and you need to go to her.

 

"Second, when you leave tonight, don't look back, don't even think about looking back. Walk straight to your car and drive away. If you need or want to, forget that this night and this week ever happened until you're in Sarah's arms. And when you get there, if you don't want to remember it ever again, then don't. Just think that we drifted apart after July 4th. I'd like for us both to remember tonight, but sometimes looking back messes up how we deal with the future. With the opportunity you have with Sarah, I don't want you to get bogged down in what we had in the past or what we might have had in the future."

 

After another pause, I say, "Third, and this is gonna sound a little silly, but I have to say it. While we tried to avoid it, we gave our hearts to each other again tonight. When you say 'I love you,' I know you mean it. And when I say 'I love you,' you know I mean it. But now's the time for me to give your heart back to you. It's not mine anymore, it's now Sarah's."

 

Knowing what I'm about to say next causes me to choke up a little. But I clear my throat, take a deep breath, and push forward. "But I'd like for you to keep my heart for a little while longer, until I find that special someone to give it to. Knowing that you have it gives me something to look forward to--that day when I get my one final look at you before I let you go completely. I know that's a lot to ask, and I know it's somewhat unfair, but I hope you'll grant me this one last wish."

 

Chad hugs me tightly as his response, and the next thing I know, he's rolling me onto my back. I look up and see the tears in his eyes as he puts an arm on each side, then gently pushes them between me and the bed to wrap them completely around me. He takes one long, final look at me through his teary eyes, then lays one side of his face down onto my chest and hugs me tightly. Soon I feel his warm tears as they drip from his eyes onto my chest, and then roll down my sides.

 

I stroke his back and sigh knowing that I should be crying with him, but oddly, I feel content instead. I look up at the ceiling and drift off to sleep, now hugging Chad tightly and thinking, 'I've loved the best, but this is the way it has to be. I'm going to miss you my friend, but with Sarah you'll be in the right hands for the rest of your life. So it's time for me to finally . . . let you . . . go. . . .'

 

*******

 

I wake with a major jerk, my heart pounding in my chest along with one of those disoriented, where-the-hell-am-I feelings. I'd been having a bad dream, something about airplanes crashing into the air terminal where I was, death and destruction surrounding me and being asked too many questions by a reporter from CNN, all while urgently needing to find a bathroom. As I look around me, I don't see much in the darkness other than some red, glowing things and the outlines of some unknown shapes. I also smell smoke, but it's not nearly as strong and overpowering as I was expecting.

 

After a few more seconds, I'm finally able to reorient myself--I'm in bed in the cabin, lying on my left side with what feels like a warm body against my back, butt, and legs. The warmth relaxes me some and I groggily think, 'Good. No need to worry. Chad and I are here in the cabin, not traveling somewhere. And, damn, it feels sooo good to have him sleeping next to me again.' But soon I finally determine the real cause of waking up: I really have to go take a leak, and I have to do it now.

 

At first I chuckle at how the dream and my bladder are connected. But that chuckle quickly changes to a quiet groan as I feel the pain in my feet, legs and ass as I carefully crawl out of bed and quietly pad over to the bathroom, trying to make sure that I don't wake the sleeping body I've left behind in the bed. After closing the bathroom door, I briefly turn on the light to orient myself, then find the toilet and sit on it in the dark. When I'm done, I don't flush as I keep telling myself, 'Don't make any noise.'

 

On my quiet trip back to the bed, I notice that the clock on the nightstand shows about 2:30 in the morning. I also notice that the fire has died down to a few glowing embers. I think I can restart it, so I quietly open the glass doors and carefully put some smaller then larger pieces of wood on top, the new wood touching the embers. Pleased with my efforts, I close the glass doors and head to bed, thinking that maybe I can get Chad to do something other than sleep when the fire starts to get brighter and stronger.

 

I crawl under the covers and snuggle up next to Chad, just to let him know I'm here. But when I reach out and wrap my arms around him, my mind and body go into an instant shock--all I find are pillows, three of them, lined up next to me and still warm from my own body heat.

 

As I stroke the pillows with my hand, I suddenly remember what really happened--the reconciliation, the affectionate looks in Chad's deep blue eyes, the light touching of each other's new beard, the incredibly hot sex, and finally the intense power of the deep love that I felt and still feel for this one special person. But the more I stroke the pillows, the more I remember the midnight ultimatum. Chad has gone back to the East Coast, gone home to Sarah, and I've been left behind. He's making his way forward while I'm left to rebuild my life from scratch for a second time.

 

The tears well up in my eyes as I lay my head down on the pillows and hug them more strongly with each passing second. Then I remember the dream that woke me. The lump in my throat returns followed by an intense pain in my stomach. I miss Chad and wish he'd stayed, but if he can't stay with me, more than anything else I want him to be safe as he returns to Sarah.

 

Suddenly, I also remember that Chad's flight was a late one, so he's probably still in the sky right now. Panic fills my body as I hope and wonder if everything is okay with the airplane. Knowing that there's nothing I can do intensifies the panic, so the religious part of me takes over and I pray, "Dear Lord, thank you making last night special for both of us. It's something I'll remember for the rest of my life. But, Lord, as Chad finds his way to Sarah, please keep him safe. If he needs a guardian angel, kill me now and let me be his. I'd rather be his angel than endure this lonely hell a second time."

 

Once I've said my "Amen," I begin to cry harder, the emotional-turned-physical pain of the ever-widening gulf between Chad and me dwarfs everything else that I feel. Having done this once before makes it easier to know what's going to happen next, but knowing what's ahead also terrifies me. So I do what I can for this moment: I mentally wrap my arms around the scared, little boy deep down inside me and try to help and comfort him through the intense feelings of helplessness, abandonment, and loneliness.

 

As I hug the pillows and cry, I think that I should be grateful that Chad has put them next to me to keep me company while I sleep. But all I seem to be able to think about is this: when you pile a couple of pillows together and hug them, they almost feel like a person. Unfortunately, pillows can't hug you in return.