Jim and Chad, Part 2 - 21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

 

Time stands still for a moment after I hear the voice. A part of me wants to continue to cry, another part of me wants to laugh at getting caught like this a second time by the same guy, while a third part of me wants to scream, 'LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.' However, all of these emotions are quickly dwarfed by a fourth, hugely overpowering emotion--I'm desperate, clingingly desperate, to have a warm, breathing human nearby so I don't feel so alone.

 

Given the desperation, you'd think I'd try to do something nice and inviting to my guest. But being the social moron that I am, I do something idiotic instead: I wave my hand toward a nearby chair, croakingly say "Have a seat," then turn away from him and cover my eyes and part of my face with my hand while I try to get it all back together again.

 

When I start comparing my emotions to an out-of-control, burning-acres-every-second wildfire, a little voice inside says, 'Turning into a big drama queen aren't we? You've never been like this before. Just cool it for a while, have a pleasant conversation with this good looking guy, and save the dramatics for when you're alone. Okay?' With that said, the wildfire slowly dies and all the emotions with it seem to dissipate into the cold, night air. Soon I think, 'I wish I could control everything else this easily.'

 

Jeff's question, "You okay?" breaks into my thoughts.

 

I struggle to form an answer, then turn partway toward him, clear my throat and say, "Let me answer that this way. Your timing is either incredibly good or sucks really badly, I just haven't figured out which yet. I don't mean for that to insult you, but you caught me on the verge of hugging another tree . . . or two. But since that's how it's been all day, I guess I should have expected it."

 

"Damn. Sorry, bud. I didn't mean to do that to you again. I can leave you alone if you want me to."

 

"NO!" I say rather emphatically. Realizing how I said what I just said, I continue with a calmer and slower voice, "No. I'd just really like to have someone nearby for a while. And I promise that I won't bore you with my problems. We don't even have to talk if you don't want to."

 

I turn my head to look at Jeff and see him looking back at me, that face ever so understanding and those green eyes ever so compassionate with the dark eyebrows turned up ever so slightly in the center. After seeing those eyes, I have to turn away again because another part of me threatens to take over because it's thinking, 'Damn, he sure cleans up nice.' I quickly push those thoughts out of my mind as my face begins to flush again. Seems like I'm always going to be embarassed around this guy, so I might as well get used to it.

 

Just about the time I settle back into a comfortable quiet, Jeff blindsides me with a comment he says so quietly that I barely hear it. "Never seen two guys so much in love break up before."

 

Adrenaline floods my body and a feeling of panic quickly follows it, moving from the center of my chest outwards. The words "break up" had just been spoken, words that I'd been unable to say or think without losing it. The panic is soon replaced with a chill that leaves me shaking, along with the usual strong pain in my stomach and growing pain in my throat. I pull my feet from the makeshift ottoman and put them on the rungs of the chair I'm sitting on, then lean forward, putting my face in my hands as the emotions build up and ride me hard. In my mind the wildfire has returned and this time there aren't enough firefighters to put it out.

 

I thought I was covering it up pretty well, but I soon feel a strong arm wrap around my front, and a warm body lean gently against my back, supporting and comforting me through the pain. A quiet, easy voice breaks through the tears saying, "I'm here for ya, buddy. Let it go, let it all go." So I allow the emotions to continue to build and flow through me, controlling my body and mind completely, the tears soaking my face and hands.

 

After shaking my very core for awhile, the emotions finally let go, the fires slowly dying to smoldering patches, which eventually disappear on their own. As I begin to relax again, the body behind me gives me a long, strong hug, then lets go and allows me to regain control on my own. Luckily I have tissues with me so I can wipe away the tears from my face and hands, and take care of the runny nose. Once I'm able to, I lean back in the chair and return my feet to the other chair.

 

There's still a pain in my throat, so I reach over to the table, grab my drink and guzzle about half of it. Even though it's on the cool side, I wince as the alcohol burns my throat. But I'd still drink it even if it were ice cold because I really need something to dull all these feelings. After putting the drink down, I clear my throat and croakingly say, "Sorry for that little outburst. Something just got a hold of me."

 

The soothing way Jeff's deep voice drawls "Anytime, bud, anytime," instantly puts me at ease again. I think that I'm really lucky to meet someone like him here, or anywhere for that matter. Compassion like this isn't a part of most guys. Most guys would have said something like, "Oh, get over it already."

 

It takes a while, but as my mind continues to clear, one question remains. Chad and I had always been discreet about our relationship, so I'm wondering how Jeff figured it out. It finally bugs me enough that I ask, "How did you know?"

 

Jeff shifts in his chair, then I hear a quiet, deep chuckle. "Wasn't really sure until I saw how you reacted to my question. Sorry that I baited you into it, but I had a feeling, especially after running into you constantly over the last couple of days."

 

I add up the times I've seen Jeff since I got here and count three which includes now. So I turn to him, with a puzzled look on my face and questions in my brain and ask, "Running into me constantly?"

 

"Well, the parking lot, on the mountain, and now are the ones you know about. But what you don't know is the number of times I saw you . . . and your, uh, friend, . . . separately over the past couple of days." Jeff pauses, looks down at his lap, and his brow furrows for a moment. Then he looks up at me and continues, "I want you to know that I'm not a peeping Tom or a voyeur, but my cabin is just up the hill from yours. So my deck pretty much overlooks the door into your cabin. I can see who's entering or leaving, but please trust me when I say that I see nothing else."

 

I nod to show that I understand what he's just said, and he continues. "After we crossed in the parking lot Tuesday, I happened to walk out on my deck about the time you entered your cabin, so I know which cabin you're in. Then there's dinner Tuesday night and tonight. I came in a little after you and happened to see you. Both nights I've noticed that you've been a little preoccupied to say the very least.

 

"When I finished my hike about noon yesterday, I saw your friend enter the cabin. After waking up from my nap late yesterday afternoon, I happened to be standing at the door to the deck when you returned from your hike. Then last night, I got back from dinner about 8:45 and, again, happened to be standing at the door to the deck. That's when I saw your friend leave, well, I guess I should say try to leave. He really didn't seem to want to go. . . ." Jeff's voice trails off at the end, and he looks down and pauses for another moment.

 

For some reason I brace myself for what he's about to say. When he starts again, he's still looking down at his lap and I can tell he's carefully choosing his words. "He turned to leave a couple of times, but kept turning back toward the door. At first I thought he locked himself out because he looked like he was going to knock, but he stopped just before his knuckles hit the door. On the third or fourth time, he just put a hand on each side of the door frame, leaned into them, and stood there with his head bowed for several minutes. When he turned and finally left, I could see him wiping his eyes and cheeks, and from the look on his face I could tell he wasn't happy."

 

I lay my head on the back of the chair and stare at the twinkling stars up in the sky, allowing the tears to begin to collect in my eyes as I think, 'Damn, Chad looked back.'

 

After a pause, Jeff continues by saying, "I thought that would be all I saw, but about five minutes later I went to get something from my truck. When I got out to the parking lot, I saw him still here, hands on top of his car, leaning into them, his head bowed. It was quiet outside so I could hear him crying softly. He was there another couple of minutes, then he got in the car and drove off."

 

I reach up and wipe my eyes as the tears begin to flow out of the sides, all while thinking about how I held and hugged him as he cried through the pain of his divorce last year, all while standing beside his car in the parking lot at the athletic club. Then I think, 'And this year he's standing and crying beside his car because of me. It's all come full circle. He would have been better off if I hadn't hugged him last year.'

 

It takes me a while, but I finally calm myself and get the emotions under control again. When I look over to Jeff, his eyes catch mine and he says, "I want you to know that I wanted to help, but something told me to stay out of it. I'm glad I listened to that something because it made me recognize that based on how you two act apart, you must be more than just good friends when you're together."

 

Then I see a small smile cross his face as he adds, "But there was something else that really confirmed it."

 

Now I'm curious so I ask, "And what was that?"

 

"I'm not sure what possessed me to do this, but as I headed out to the lodge about 6:45 last night, I thought I might be able to get the two of you to join me for dinner. So I came by your cabin to ask. . . ."

 

The comment doesn't register at first, but when I figure out what Chad and I were doing around that time, I close my eyes, shake my head slowly, and cover my face with my hands. My face flushes in embarassment as I ask, "I guess there's no way that I can get you to forget what you might have heard?"

 

I slowly uncover one eye and look over at Jeff. The look on his face is one of a mischievous little boy with a sparkle in his eyes and an ear-to-ear grin. He looks like he's uncovered a major secret about a close friend, and he's going to use it to mercilessly tease and irritate that friend. I groan as I cover my eyes again, hoping he won't say anything.

 

But Jeff chuckles and says, "If I remember right, it was something like 'Fuck me, don't torture me.'"

 

My face flushes even more, and I can feel it against my hands. After a few moments, I realize that there's nothing else I can do but enjoy the good-natured ribbing. So I remove my hands from my face, laugh along with Jeff, then decide to counter with something outrageous. While looking out over the canyon, in a boasting voice I say, "Well, as part of our more or less permanent farewell last night, Chad and I were really, really hot for each other. We were way ahead of schedule, if you know what I mean, and since I didn't want it to end too soon, I pulled out to let us both cool off a little before we continued. What you heard was his loud complaining at me pulling out."

 

When I hear nothing more than a short cough and a suppressed snicker from Jeff, I look in his direction. Of course Jeff is still there, but a third person is now standing between us. It's the waiter who had served my dinner and, without missing a beat, he says, "Uh-huh, and if you did that to me, I'd be pissed off, too."