Stepping Out in Faith - 5. Chapter 4b

"Shoot him! Shoot him! Damn, Marcus, you suck at this."

“Sorry, kid.” Marcus handed the game controller back to the teenager and patted him on the head.

“Hey, watch the hair!”

Marcus smiled and glanced at the door before wandering over to the pool table to see what some of the older boys were up to.

“Hey, Marcus, we need a fourth. You game?” Nick, a sophomore in high school held up a pool cue.

“Yeah, sure.” He played with Nick and a couple of other regulars at the Thursday-night youth group while they chatted about their week and gave each other hard times.

“Dude, you waiting for someone?” Nick asked.

“What? No, why’d you say that?” Marcus frowned.

“‘Cause you keep staring at the door,” Nick said with a smirk on his face.

“Shut up.” Marcus gave him a friendly push.

“What? You crushing on some guy?” Nick teased.

“What?” Marcus asked. “Kid, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Ha, sure.” Nick smiled widely and turned to take his shot.

Marcus groaned inwardly because he had been keeping an eye on the door all evening. He was pretty sure Doe Eyes wouldn’t show up, but that didn’t stop him from hoping.

The whole situation was fucked up as far as he was concerned. He had been on a perfectly nice date with a perfectly nice guy, and yet he had been more than willing to ditch Charles the minute Andy showed up. Charles hadn’t been too happy about that. Marcus had to do a lot of apologizing to smooth things over, and even now he wasn’t sure if there’d be another date. The fucked-up part was that he wasn’t sure he wanted another date; he had no reason not to be interested in Charles, except he just wasn’t that interested.

And now here he was, waiting on pins and needles for a guy who was most likely not going to show up anyways. How fucked up was that?

“Hello? Dude?”

Marcus snapped out of his thoughts to see three teenage boys watching him expectantly.

“What?”

“Dude, it’s your turn,” Nick said. He shook his head. “He’s got it bad.”

Nick and his friends laughed with each other as Marcus scowled at them.

“Since when did you turn into a California surfer boy? I’ve never heard anyone say ‘Dude’ so much.” Marcus retorted and set the boys off on another laughing fit.

He bent over the pool table and lined up his next shot. Just as he was about to take it, one of the other kids called out.

“Ow, Marcus! Dude’s checking out your ass!”

Marcus missed the shot, the ball rolling wide of its target. He glared at Ryan, knowing the kid had timed that on purpose. But Ryan wasn’t looking at him; Ryan was looking at the door.

Marcus turned, and there he was: thick brown hair, warm brown eyes and a rosy flush on his cheeks that told Marcus that Ryan’s comment hadn’t been too far off the mark.

“Shut it, guys,” Marcus said as the boys snickered among themselves. He walked over to Andy and wondered why he felt a silly smile pulling at the corner of his lips. “I didn’t think you’d make it.”

“I wasn’t sure I’d make it either.” Andy swallowed—nervous—and dropped his eyes to the floor—embarrassed. He was still an open book.

“I’m glad you did, though,” Marcus said after a beat. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to these loser kids.” Marcus said the last part loudly and let the tugging smile blossom on his face as the kids eagerly lined up to meet the cute man Marcus brought.

He introduced the ten or so kids that showed up, boys and girls, ranging from about thirteen to eighteen, some of them gay, others the children of gay parents. Each one gave Andy a onceover and passed on nods and winks to Marcus to indicate their approval.

“Hey, give me a minute to finish up this game, okay?” Marcus pointed to the pool table.

“Yeah, sure. Take your time.”

Marcus went back to the game, but his attention was on the man across the room. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Andy wandered to the reading corner and chatted with Sophie.

She was kind of a shy kid, liked to read by herself, and none of the counsellors had been able to draw her out of her shell. But it seemed like she was talking to Andy.

Marcus missed his next couple of shots, mostly because he was paying more attention to Andy than to the game. The boys couldn’t stop snickering, but he didn’t care enough to do anything about it.

Andy seemed relaxed when talking with Sophie. There was no tension in his shoulders, and he had a gentle smile on his face. He’s cute, thought Marcus with that familiar spark of interest. It clashed with the anger Marcus told himself he was supposed to feel, the anger that had mysteriously faded when Andy walked through the door. God, what was wrong with him? This guy had a weird effect on Marcus, and he wasn’t sure he liked it.

He tried to turn his attention back to the game. The other team was doing a good job of kicking Nick’s and Marcus’ butts, and Nick made sure Marcus knew it was his fault.

Then suddenly, the room filled with music, simple chords, beautiful and haunting. Everyone turned to the piano in the corner just as Andy began to sing:

My heart beats

Propelled by hope unseen

Can I be brave?

Is there a way to love when fog obscures?

And yet I can feel you’re close

Melting my fears, washing my doubts away somehow

Bring me closer…

Andy’s voice was rich and smooth and reminded Marcus of hot caramel rolling down vanilla ice cream, decadent and sweet. He had the strange urge to lick up every drop; the feeling unnerved him.

Somehow, Andy had gotten Sophie to hang out with him by the piano, smiling broadly. She even joined in with her quieter voice in the second verse. Andy was clearly in his element, and he looked confident, comfortable, and sexy as hell. Shit. Marcus didn’t need this right now, didn’t need to get tangled up in some fucked-up attraction to a closeted priest.

Time stands still

Struck by his beauty

I will stand strong in courage that comes not from me

Loving him who stands in front of me

With every breath, and every beat of my heart…

It was just a song, Marcus knew that, just a stupid love song for teenagers. And yet something about the lyrics resonated with Marcus much more deeply that he ever thought they could.

Combined with the way Andy smiled wistfully while singing them, it created an image that Marcus was entirely not ready to contemplate. He had invited Andy here so they could clear up whatever misunderstanding there was between them and go their separate ways. The last thing he needed was to actually feel something for the guy. Fuck.

Every day, I have died, waiting for you

I know that we’re both afraid and yet I love you

Come away with me

We’ll find the strength to both be free

Somehow I knew that time would bring your heart to me

Life is filled with color now and I can see

The way to love

Darling, you’re the way to love…

Andy wasn’t singing to Marcus; he wasn’t even looking at Marcus. He was reading way too much into this, Marcus told himself. So why did he have that little achy feeling right in the middle of his chest? Marcus forcefully drew a deep breath of air into his lungs, looked away and let it out slowly, trying to loosen the knot of pressure.

The room broke out in a gentle applause as Andy and Sophie finished their song. Marcus watched as Andy leaned forward and whispered something conspiratorially into Sophie’s ear that made her giggle and grin in delight. His breathing thing wasn’t working; the knot was growing.

Fuck, he needed air.

Marcus stalked out of the room and into the cool evening, letting the crisp air clear out his lungs. Jesus, was this heartburn? Indigestion? What did he have for dinner? Sushi. That didn’t usually give him problems. What the fuck was wrong with him?

Marcus knew he should go back inside; the kids weren’t scheduled to leave for another 20 minutes. But the thought of being in the same room with Andy at the moment felt suffocating, the knot of pressure intensifying as Marcus pictured those big brown eyes and shy smile. Jesus-fucking-Christ, was he having a panic attack? He had never had a panic attack before. Was this what it felt like?

He paced back and forth on the sidewalk until the ache dulled to a manageable level. He was fucking going crazy; Marcus was sure of it. Who gets all worked up at a fucking stupid song? He tried not to think about how Andy’s voice sounded as he sang: resonant and lush with a tinge of melancholy and hope. Instead, he searched for any remnant of that anger that had led to Andy being at the Center in the first place.

Marcus must have had been out there for a lot longer than he intended, because, before he could bring himself to go back in, the older kids were already trickling out, waving goodbye and heading off into the night. Then parents of the younger kids showed up and said hello before they went inside to pick up their children.

Still, Marcus paced on the sidewalk, hands stuffed into pockets, eyes glued to the pavement.

“Marcus?” A gentle voice interrupted his pacing. Marcus looked up to see an older woman with grey hair and a warm, friendly smile.

“Kathleen, hi. How are you?”

“I’m well. I was told I’d find you out here.”

“Oh, uh, yeah… it was getting kind of stuffy in there. Needed to get some air,” Marcus said with a shrug.

“You brought a friend tonight?” Kathleen asked with a kind smile.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I know everyone needs to be screened and stuff. But he, uh… works with kids for his, uh… day job, so I figured it’d be okay for just one night.”

“Well, I heard him and Sophie singing from my office. It’s great that he was able to connect with her. If he wants to keep coming, I can get him set up with a background check and everything.” Kathleen offered. “You know we can always use more counsellors.”

“Yeah, I know.” Marcus nodded. “But I’m not sure what his plans are. We can ask him.”

Marcus fortified himself before following Kathleen inside. When they reached the room, he saw that most of the kids had left, and Andy was chatting with Sophie’s dad. Then, Andy turned, graced Marcus with a shy smile, and all the calming down he had achieved outside evaporated.

Marcus said something nice to Sophie and her dad—he wasn’t sure what—and then went through the necessary introductions between Andy and Kathleen. He wasn’t paying attention to the conversation, distracted by the annoying knot of pressure in his chest.

“You’re a pastor and you’re gay?”

Andy’s question to Kathleen jolted Marcus out of his distraction. But instead of being offended, Kathleen just smiled broadly, as if used to the question.

“Yes, I am. Although, I’m not serving in a church now. I’m the executive director for the Center.”

Andy had a deep frown on his face—confusion, Marcus recognized. “But I don’t understand.”

Not put off for a second, Kathleen chuckled. “Some people don’t. But if you’d like to talk about it more at any point, I’d be more than happy to sit down with you.”

“Oh, um… that’s very nice of you. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.” A blush flushed quickly across Andy’s cheeks—embarrassment.

“Marcus said that you work with children?” Kathleen asked.

Andy shot Marcus a wide-eyed look—a tinge of fear. Marcus just shrugged. “Um... Well...”

“No pressure.” Kathleen smiled. “I just meant that if you were interested in joining us again, we usually have a background-check process for all the counsellors, just to be safe, you know.”

“Oh, I see…” Andy trailed off. “Of course. Sorry for just showing up today.”

“Not at all. We can always use more counsellors, and you seem to have a way with Sophie. Think about it, and you can let Marcus know,” Kathleen said. “Well, thank you both for helping out tonight. I think the kids had a good time.”

“No problem, Kathleen,” Marcus said. “We’ll get out of your hair so you can lock up.”

Marcus gave Andy a tight smile and led the way back outside. Once out in the evening air, he took a deep breath before turning to face the thoroughly confused and confusing man. Now that it was time to talk, Marcus found he couldn’t figure out what to say.

“Thanks for inviting me tonight. Those are good kids,” Andy said quietly.

Marcus nodded. Andy looked unsure of himself, shifting from foot to foot, hands stuffed in pockets. Marcus knew his own silence wasn’t helping to relieve the tension between them. What was it about this guy that got to him? He wasn’t ludicrously hot or charmingly charismatic. He wore his heart on his sleeve and every single emotion on his face; he was an open book of closeted fucked-up-ness, and if Marcus knew what was good for him, he would stay far away from Andy. No one needed that kind of drama.

But Marcus couldn’t bring himself to tell Andy to get lost. No, Andy already looked lost, and Marcus just had to go play knight in shining armor and try to save him. He had a feeling he was going to regret this.

“Come on,” Marcus said with a sigh. “We can walk to my place from here.”