You Make Me....Crazy - 4. Chapter 4

Broken Tiny Pieces of Heart

Moving back to Seoul was tough; he missed his carefree rides down the hill in Gong. In order to keep the press away, he’d not returned to his old house. Too worried about reporters and the ensuing frenzy to discover why he’d returned to Seoul, he’d moved in with Junghee.

He called his mother every day. She promised that his cabbages were healthy each time they talked. He missed her, missed Gong, but his place was in Seoul.

For six weeks, he’d quietly watched Dan work toward resolving the objection case by N-sang against their contract invalidity. Sitting through tiresome meetings, afraid that N-sang might win and have them pay hefty fines. Every time he thought about it, he lost a few years. His head hurt every time they got back home.

Dan was unmovable though. The evidence N-sang lined up didn’t shake him, instead he sat quietly, confidently. That confidence made Jae feel hope, and that was dangerous. In case they lost, Jae tried to ignore the hope budding in his heart each evening, but it was hard.

Adjusting the settings on the treadmill, Jae slowed down his jog and wondered when they’d reach the end of their legal problems. He wanted to concentrate on music, his life as a musician. He missed that very much.

His cellphone rang, and he got off the treadmill with a sigh to answer it.

“Hyung, Dan’s succeeded,” Andre exclaimed into his ear. “The court rejected N-sang’s objection this morning. They’re not to interfere with our activities. We’re free.”

A weight lifted off his shoulders, making him lightheaded. Jae wasn’t sure whether to scream or jump. Closing his eyes, he thanked God and asked, “What now?”

“Dan’s coming over,” Andre told him. “He’ll tell us. I’m on my way.”

“Junghee went to see his brother,” Jae said turning off the treadmill. His heart hammered in his chest, unable to believe. If they’d won, N-sang would leave them alone now. They just had to; even the courts had seen the injustice. “How long will it take you to get here?”

“Twenty minutes,” Andre said. “Relax, he won’t bite, I promise.”

Jae sighed. Still, there was Dan and his intentions. Despite his hard work to get them out of court, they still didn’t know what Dan wanted and that made him nervous.

“You’d better hurry,” Jae ordered and hung up. He took a towel hanging on the treadmill handle and used it to wipe sweat off his forehead. The doorbell rang just as he got out of the gym in the basement.

Biting back a sigh, he detoured to the front door, opening it with a grimace.

Dan stood on the doorstep dressed in a white t-shirt, khaki shorts and gray flat shoes. His dark shaggy hair a wild riot on his head, Jae scowled. Didn’t the man own a comb?

“Can I come in?” Dan asked, his eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses.

Jae stepped back allowing him in to the house before he closed the door. “Junghee is out, Andre is on his way. You can wait in the living room while I change.”

Dan removed his glasses and looked around the bright hallway not making a move toward the living room. Instead, Dan watched him with keen dark brown eyes.

“What?” Jae asked with a frown. He wasn’t his best right now; his sweaty t-shirt clung to his body. And he hated it when people scrutinized him.

“That’s your favorite word,” Dan said after a very uncomfortable minute. “You’ve said it so many times since we met, I’m having nightmares.”

He would have laughed had it been someone else. Jae bit his inner lip to keep from smiling and instead tugged on the towel draped on his shoulders.

“I’m older than you by four years,” Dan commented. “You should be nicer to me.”

This time he really did laugh. “Mr. Suk, you and I barely know each other. From my experiences these days, age doesn’t count much when it comes to decency. If you’re looking for a cordial relationship-”

“I’m looking for common ground, Jaehan.” Dan took a step closer, and Jae froze struck by the older man’s enthralling presence. Suddenly, he had to look up to meet Dan’s gaze and that didn’t sit well with him. “You and I need to be on the same page if your bandmates will follow my instruction with clean hearts. Even though we’ve succeeded in court, we have a long journey ahead before you can breathe easily.”

Dark brown eyes delved into his heart, tugging on strings he’d buried away. He’d forgotten what attraction felt like, this inexplicable urge to hold on to a stranger even when you didn’t like him. Dan, of all people, he frowned and fought the urge to step back, unwilling to give even an inch. Dan shocked him by closing the distance remaining between them. A clean minty scent invaded his senses making him gasp.

“You’re so beautiful,” Dan said quietly, his tone caressing. “Your pictures don’t do you justice, Kim Jaehan. I’m breathless just standing this close. I’m tempted to taste your lips and find out if they’re really that soft.”

The words were unexpected. Jae found his gaze trapped by a smiling dark brown one and he suddenly couldn’t breathe.

Dan lowered his head closer, enough to brush a soft kiss on his forehead. “Relax; I don’t bite the first day.”

The touch of Dan’s cool lips on his skin pushed him into motion. He slammed his palms against Dan’s chest and pushed him away. “What are you doing?”

“Indulging myself,” Dan replied with a sigh. “I’ve wanted to do that since that day in the living room. You’re so guarded all the time, Jaehan.”

“For good reason, you’re a pervert. Don’t ever touch me,” Jae said glaring at him.

His heart hammered in his chest as though he’d just seen a scary movie. Shaking his head, he scowled at Dan and decided the man could fend for himself.

“Do what you want; I’m going to take a shower.”

“Should I join you?” Dan called when he took off at a run up the stairs.

Jae grabbed the balustrade and took the stairs two at a time. When he was safely in his room, Jae leaned on the closed door shaken. His heart still hadn’t stopped hammering. He wiped his forehead with his towel and wondered why he could still feel the touch of that man’s lips on his skin. Scowling, he threw the towel in the general direction of the bed and went straight to the shower. Andre was mad to trust the man. Dan was nothing but trouble.

He was barely out of the shower when Andre and Junghee came into the bathroom. Their faces flushed with excitement, he grinned as he secured his towel around his hips.

“I can’t believe it,” Andre was saying jumping up and down. “Can you, it’s so hard to believe. We’re free. No fines.”

“I was imagining making payments for the rest of my life. Those amounts N-sang was asking were ridiculous,” Junghee said jumping on the bed. “The case is over!”

Jae laughed and shook his head. “We should go out and drink.”

“We should buy Dan a huge crate of booze,” Andre insisted grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Jae went to the closet in search of clothes. “We still don’t know what he wants.”

“Stop destroying the moment,” Andre said sitting on the carpet when Jae peeped through the closet doors. “Can we deal with one crisis at a time? Besides, I don’t think Dan is a problem. He’s worked very hard these past weeks.”

Jae pulled on dark briefs, dark green jeans, and a black t-shirt. Running fingers through his damp hair, he emerged from the closet on bare feet. “Aren’t you curious?”

“Hyung, I think you’ve become too suspicious.” Junghee stopped jumping on the bed and lay on it. He looked like an excited child in his gray shorts, white t-shirt and loose shirt. He’d apparently found time to stop by a hairdresser. He’d cut off all his hair and was now almost bald.

“Did you hair piss you off?” Jae asked.

“I’m turning over a new leaf.” Junghee plumped the pillows and reclined against the headboard. “We’re free. Even though we don’t have a stage anymore, I don’t think we should worry as much. Jae, try harder with Dan.”

Jae sighed and went in search of the hairdryer. “We’ll have to see.”

They all trooped downstairs twenty minutes later to find Dan whistling in the kitchen. He was comfortably cooking egg toast and had set four plates around the kitchen table. Junghee and Andre exclaimed happily and rushed to take a seat. Jae approached his seat with caution. Dan smiled at them and served generous helpings on their plates.

Andre and Junghee happily praised Dan for his cooking skills, laughing with him when he said he was an amateur. Their easy interaction made Jae feel like he was being overly cautious. A sense of betrayal washed over him at how easily they were adapting to this man. Dan met his gaze when he took a seat across him. For a moment, he read a challenge in those dark brown eyes that quickly disappeared when Andre cleared his throat.

“Jae,” Andre said nodding to his untouched sandwich. “Dan’s egg toast is really good.”

Taking a bite, a burst of delicious spices exploded in his mouth and he moaned in appreciation. He was hungry, and when he swallowed, the sandwich hit the spot. He hadn’t realized just how hungry he was. He took a sip of his coffee and looked up to find Dan watching him. The expression on Dan’s face made him pause and once again, all he could think about was the kiss in the hallway.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached for it like a lifeline. Sliding his thumb over the screen, he froze when he read the message.

>>Meet me at the old place- JSun

Pushing his phone back into his pocket, he stared at the rest of his sandwich. What did Jaesun want?

“Jae?” Junghee said making him look up. “Who is it?”

He shrugged. “It was mum,” he lied with a frown.

“Dan, are we going to talk about what to do now?” Andre asked turning to the older man seated across Jae.

“Yes, but I thought we should just take the day off today. It’s been a hard couple of weeks and-”

Jae’s cellphone buzzed again making Dan stop. Pushing his plate away, Jae got his cellphone and frowned when he found another message.

>>Please come, I need to see you-JSun

Jae sighed and got off his chair. “I need to go.”

“Where,” Junghee asked in surprise.

“Out,” Jae said with a shrug. “We can meet later for a drink. Hmm…thanks Dan for your hard work.”

“Jae,” Andre said turning in his seat to look at him.

Jae gave them a wave and hurried out of the kitchen. He paused in the living room to take his dark glasses and a cap he’d left there the day before. Putting them on, he left the house through the garage door. He took Junghee’s motorcycle. It was easier to get around on it than the car. Driving out of the gated community, he headed to his old apartment in Cheongdam.

****

He’d held on to the lease, not ready to let go of this place. Driving his motorcycle to the back of the building, Jae parked and stood staring at the three-story building. His apartment was on the top floor. He’d liked it that way because it had afforded him the best view of the city. He walked into the building, his cap pulled low over his face in case someone recognized him. When he passed two women, he kept his head down as they hurried by him down the stairs.

Upstairs, he paused at his front door with a sigh. Touching the door handle, he pressed his forehead against the cool metallic door and let out a deep breath. His chest was tight with tension when he punched in the numbers on the key bank and the lock snapped open.

He entered the house with a heavy heart. Nothing had changed, he thought as he removed his boots. He noted that his leather jacket still hang on a hook on the coat rack. A framed picture of Seoul city hang on the wall behind the coat rack, it was a gift from Junghee when he’d first moved in.

The front hall flowed into a living room, with floor length tinted windows on each side. He’d turned the space on his left into a game room; video games, entertainment center, and a pool table. To his right, a seating area that had an eclectic collection of comfortable couches with over-sized pillows. He’d often dropped those pillows on the carpet to lay on them when it rained. There was something soothing about watching the rain.

He paused when he saw the tall figure seated on the floor by the windows.

Jaesun, he thought.

Jaesun turned to look at him and his heart squeezed painfully. So handsome, those light brown eyes drew him closer. He closed the distance between them in a daze.

Jaesun stood gracefully to reveal a black shirt and slacks that fit him to perfection. His hair was a light brown; Jae stared at him helplessly.

“It’s been a long time.” Jae said breaking the silence.

“You came,” Jaesun said. “I didn’t think you would. I thought you’d changed your phone number.”

Jae shrugged. He’d turned off his phone when he left for Gong. Last night, he’d found it in his suitcase and turned it on. He hadn’t expected Jaesun to keep his number after all that had happened.

“Why did you want to see me?” he asked now.

Jaesun stared at him for a moment before he turned back to the windows. The urge to close the distance between them and lay his head on Jaesun’s back was so strong…he gritted his teeth.

Jaesun sank to the floor again and parted the space on his right.

It took all he had to walk over and sit on the floor without touching Jaesun. It felt like every atom in his body clamored to get closer to Jaesun, but he couldn’t allow it. They were worlds apart now, he thought staring out the tinted windows into the sunny day.

They sat side by side for the next twenty minutes, quiet, not moving. Jae crossed his feet and clamped his hands in his lap.

When he couldn’t take the silence anymore, Jae asked, “Why are we here?”

Jaesun shifted beside him. “I missed you, hyung. I’ve missed you so much I thought I couldn’t bear it.”

Jae shook his head. “Is that all you wanted to say to me?”

“What else?” Jaesun asked turning to look at him. Jae looked into Jaesun's eyes and felt a cold chill run through him when Jaesun’s eyebrow rose up. “Were you expecting an apology?”

Jae looked away and shook his head. “I guess that’s not your style.”

“Of course,” Jaesun said. “I’ve always hated how well you know me, hyung.”

Jae moved to stand up. “This was a mistake.”

He stopped when Jaesun grabbed his shoulder and stopped him. “Please don’t go-”

“You left us,” Jae rounded on him angrily. “You chose them.”

“What did you want me to do?” Jaesun asked his hand dropping away from Jae’s shoulder. “Are you happy living without N-sang? You can’t get on stage, can’t sing, and you’re working with Mr. Suk. Haven’t you lost your mind?”

“He got N-sang off our backs.” Jae snapped not happy that Jaesun was throwing Dan’s reputation at him. He was having a hard time dealing with it himself. “I plan my own day, Jaesun. Keep my own money.”

“Do you think that’s going to take you back on stage? I know you, Jae. I know what the stage means for you and being unable to perform is going to kill you slowly.”

Jae jerked away from him and got to his feet. Did Jaesun think he didn’t know? He knew. He had nightmares about never being on stage again. He wiped a hand down his face.

“I’m sure you’re living your dream, J.P.,” he said sarcastically. “N-sang must be treating you like their golden boy. Did they offer you unending fame?”

“Yes, and they’re working hard to prove you wrong,” Jaesun said also getting to his feet. “I’m so happy, I can’t describe it.”

Jae nodded fighting pain, keeping it at bay. His heart heavy. “Then stop looking for me.”

“All I did was write a message, you should have stayed at home with Junghee and Andre.”

Jae started toward the door determined to leave before he broke apart, but Jaesun ran ahead of him. The walls he’d built high to protect his heart crashed when Jaesun dragged him into his arms. Closing his eyes, he trembled when Jaesun ran gentle fingers through his hair and held him tight.

It had been so long, he’d forgotten how quickly he could drown in Jaesun's arms. His fingers bunched into Jaesun’s shirt and he lifted his head. Jaesun met his lips, and they kissed. Desperately taking, he moaned when Jaesun bit his lower lip and sucked on the sting. He’d missed this so much he could barely think. Couldn’t protest when Jaesun tugged his shirt off, could only moan when Jaesun’s lips trailed down his chest, leaving maddening kisses on his nipples, down his stomach. His breath quickened when Jaesun undid his trousers. A harsh gasp escaped when Jaesun’s mouth took his erection in his mouth. Jae's fingers bunched in Jaesun’s hair and he gave up on all the reasons why this was wrong.

They made love feverishly on the living room carpet. He cried out in pleasure when Jaesun took him, their fingers tangled, bodies sweat-slicked, he held on as Jaesun rocked him into mind-blowing pleasure. He wrapped his arms around Jaesun when they both came and collapsed on the floor. Running fingers through Jaesun’s brown hair, he pressed a wet kiss into Jaesun’s neck and fell asleep.

A buzzing phone woke him up, rubbing his eyes; Jae sat up to find Jaesun dressing. He tried not to feel hurt, but Jaesun wouldn’t meet his gaze or look at him.

“What time is it?” Jae asked watching Jaesun pull on his trousers.

“Five o’clock,” Jaesun said tightly. “I’m late.”

“Late?” Jae asked with a frown glancing out the windows. The sun was going down. He sighed, reached for his briefs and stood up to wear them. “Jaesun-”

“I have to go.” Jaesun cut him off sorting through their clothes.

Jae frowned when his black t-shirt came flying at his head. He wore it with a huff. “We’re not going to talk about us? Are we just going to keep this up?”

“We can’t be seen together, ever, not even as friends. You made sure of that. Gods, why didn’t you listen to me when I begged you to let the lawsuit go?”

Jae threw his hands up and shook his head. “What am I supposed to say to that?”

Jaesun wore his t-shirt and finger combed his hair. “I don’t know.”

“We won, you know,” Jae said quietly. “We’re free to do what we want.”

“And you think N-sang will just watch you?” Jaesun asked with a scoff. “Come on, Jae, even you must know it’s not going to be that easy. You’ve even trusted a man tied to the mob and suspected of fraud-”

“Those are rumors,” Jae cut him off shocked that he felt the need to defend Dan. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jaesun shook his head and came to stand before him. “I know that I can’t be with you anymore. That’s why I called you, Jae. I prayed you wouldn’t come because I wanted to let it end, but you-”

“You visited my mother,” Jae reminded him. “She told me what you told her.”

“I do love you, Kim Jaehan.”

The declaration was flat, painfully hollow, it made him ache with pity for both of them. He froze when Jaesun kissed him. Unlike the fire he’d felt earlier when they’d kissed, this time their kiss felt cold. Distant, like a goodbye, his heart broke, the pieces really crushing into smaller pieces.

Jaesun broke the kiss and touched his jaw with gentle fingers. When he spoke, his tone was cold, as Jae imagined the icecaps on mountains to be. “I have to concentrate on rebuilding trust with N-sang. I don’t want to lose everything.”

Jae stepped away from him. “Is that what you think has happened to me? To us?” he asked.

“Isn’t it?” Jaesun replied with a frown. “I don’t think you can-”

“Stop,” Jae whispered. “Don’t say anymore.”

“Why?” Jaesun asked, his eyes glittering with an emotion Jae didn’t understand. “Do you think you’re the only who’s suffered in the last few months?”

Jae turned away from him. “Go before we hurt each other worse than we already have.”

Jaesun scoffed and cursed under his breath. “If you think we hadn’t, you must be living in the clouds.”

Jae fought back the tears until he heard the lock beep closed. Grabbing up his trousers, he pulled them on and stalked to the kitchen. He was an idiot. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected when they’d met again, but seriously. Used then discarded like a tissue was too much of a cliché.

Opening the top cupboards above the sink, he pulled out a bottle of whiskey. Taking a glass forgotten on the dish rack, he poured himself a healthy drink and swallowed the burning liquid with a grimace.

****

Dan surfed the channels on the television at Junghee’s house while he waited for Jae to come back. Junghee had insisted Jae would return in a few hours but it was almost ten o’clock at night. He sighed as he thought about the mound of work he still had to do. The more he spent time with Jae, Junghee and Andre, the more determined he was to help them. He liked their bond; they treated each other like true brothers.

Rebellion was a small family. Jae was the oldest, he tried to keep it together for the rest of them but it wasn’t easy. He’d seen it during the past six weeks. Jae appeared strong, but deep inside; Jae was hurting, and lonely. Maybe that’s why he was so attracted to the younger man. He had a thing for broken and vulnerable guys.

Junghee was the balance. He followed Jae’s lead but took over the lead when Jae was unsure. Andre was the wild one, he thought. The youngest member of rebellion, Andre was passionate about his music and was determined to get back on stage no matter the cost. Somehow, their personalities matched and they had created a family.

He was envious of their trust circle and wanted to break in and be one of them. But it was hard. The circle was too tight.

“Dan,” Junghee said walking into the living room. “I need your help.”

“What’s wrong?” he turned off the television and stood concerned by Junghee’s frown.

Junghee held out a paper with an address. “Jaehan is at this address. None of us can go there without a mob showing up, so…will you get him please?”

Dan took the paper and read the address. “His old apartment, what is he doing there? I thought you said he went out to run an errand.”

“I’m sorry. Please just get him. I would but-”

“That place is being watched by all kinds of people,” Dan sighed and reached for his car keys. “I’ll go.”

“Thanks.” Junghee bowed his head grateful. “He might be-”

“Don’t worry; I’ll take care of him.” He promised and hurried out.

Dan drove to Cheongdam with a mixture of irritation and worry. Jae’s apartment was well know these days by reporters, and obsessed fans. Any one of them could be waiting for Jae as he left the building. What had Jae been thinking?

He thought back to their brunch this morning. Jae had seemed distracted after the messages he’d received, but what stood out more was the worried glance that Junghee and Andre had shared. He was happy to find a quiet parking lot when he got to Jae’s building. Going upstairs, he paused at the door to get the paper Junghee had used to write the lock code.

The lock hissed open and he stepped into an elegant hall that flowed into an airy living room. The place was dark, but he could see the figure seated on the carpet in the living room. Removing his shoes, he moved to the closest wall and searched for a switch. Turning on the lights, he stepped down into the living area, and headed to Jae who sat on the carpet his back against the couch.

“What are you doing in the dark?” Dan asked sitting on a wooden coffee table.

“Suk Dan, come to mount a rescue?” Jae slurred out, his head bent, his dark hair covering his face.

Dan sighed as he realized Jae was drunk. “What am I going to do with you?”

****