You Make Me....Crazy - 7. Chapter 7

Spicy Gimchi and Old Wounds

Jae drove home to Gong, his thoughts centered on Dan and their scorching kiss.

Dan liked him, enough to kiss him, Jae mused.

A sigh escaped and he gripped the steering wheel tight. This wasn’t a good time to think about relationships. He and Dan, they had business together, there was Rebellion’s plan, and he couldn’t allow anything to jeopardize that, not even for a stunning kiss that had left every cell in his body trembling. He hadn’t known a kiss could feel like that. Turning on the radio, he turned to a rock station hoping music would take Dan off his mind. He was pleasantly surprised to hear one of Rebellion’s songs, ‘Sweet Torture’. He smiled and hummed along as he drove home.

Gong hadn’t changed. It was springtime again and the flowers bloomed in unexpected places. Bright and welcoming, he felt his worries disappear. Driving through the town, he contemplated stopping at the coffee shop but when he saw how busy it was, he kept going. He’d been happy to live as just Jae in that coffee shop. Maybe tomorrow, he thought as he drove past, heading up the hill to the quiet residential streets.

Ten minutes later, he pulled into his parents’ home and parked the black Jeep in the front of the house. Glancing at the time on the dashboard, he turned the car off and opened his door. Two o’clock in the afternoon meant no one was home. His father was in his office in town and his mom was still at the school.

Jae got out of the car and walked around the house to the backyard. White sheets hang on the lines; the scent of fresh rain teased his nose as he passed through them. He found the wide wooden platform under the tree and sat on it. Leaning back on his elbows, the breeze swept in and ruffled his face. He took in a deep breath and a smile tugged at his lips.

Sitting up, he glanced down the short slope and grinned when he saw rows of cabbages. Obviously not the ones he’d planted, but he was happy to see his mother had kept up the garden.

Some things just didn’t change, he thought. He was home.

Laying back on the platform, he fell asleep to the sound of the wind ruffling the tree leaves.

****

“Jae,” a soft voice said, waking him up. He shifted and gentle fingers stroked through his hair. “Kim Jaehan,” that soft voice repeated more firmly.

He opened his eyes to find his mother peering at him.

“Mum,” he said sitting up. “You came home.”

“Shouldn’t that be my line?” Gae In said with a wide smile.

She pulled him into a tight hug and pressed a kiss into his hair. “I’ve missed you so much. You’re a terrible son, Jae. Leaving for three years and calling me sporadically. I was so worried about you.”

Jae buried his face into her shoulder and breathed in her scent. He tightened his arms around her and sighed. “I missed you too,” he said in a whisper.

“Was it hard for you?” she asked patting his back as she held him.

He nodded against her shoulder.

“You did well,” she said in a soothing tone. “You worked hard. I’m proud of you.”

Her soft praise healed his aching heart. An hour later, Jae sat at the kitchen table comfortable in a plain white t-shirt and sweatpants. He rubbed his hands as he surveyed the food his mother had laid out on the table; the rice, gimchi, fried fish, and vegetable stew looked delicious. He smiled and picked up his chopsticks and spoon.

“Eat.” Gae In said coming around the table to serve him. She piled his plate with rice, adding vegetable stew and passing him a large piece of the fried fish.

He spooned a healthy bite of rice mixed with stew into his mouth and moaned in appreciation. For a full five minutes, he ate his food in silence, his hunger unrestrained. He ate as though he’d been starving for ages.

He glanced up when Gae In laughed. “Didn’t you eat anything before you came here?”

He picked up a glass from the table and sipped the cool fresh drink; even the water tasted better, he thought taking another sip.

“I wanted to eat your food,” he said.

“Goodness, I see the flattery hasn’t gone away. I was worried you’d changed when I saw you out there. You cut your hair; you’re taller and too skinny.”

Jae put his spoon down to touch his hair. He had cut it in South America because the weather there was too hot to keep his hair long. He hadn’t bothered with gel so it was messy right now. He smiled at Gae In.

“My hair will grow out,” he said. “As for taller, I can’t do much about that, but if you keep feeding me, I’m sure I’ll gain weight in days.”

She smiled and pushed another piece of fish toward him. “How are Junghee and Andre?”

“They’re both fine,” Jae said. “Junghee is going to see his family. Andre wants to spend time with his brother.”

“That’s good, what about that lovely man, Mr. Suk?”

Jae glanced at her unable to hide his surprise. “Mr. Suk?”

“Yes. He made sure we knew where you were every week. He and I are good friends-,”

“Wait, what?” Jae asked. “Dan called you?”

“Of course, he’s your manager, right? Why are you frowning?”

That guy, Jae thought staring at his mother.

“Nothing,” he said taking a bite of his food.

“Mr. Suk was very helpful. Your older sister had some issues with her job in Seoul. He met with her and solved the problem,” Gae In continued, a fond smile playing on her lips.

“My sister,” Jae dropped his spoon. Why was Dan the saint that could? Who was he to walk around saving his family?

“So Jin,” Gae In said. So Jin was the second-to-last born. She was twenty-eight, two years older than he was.

“What was her problem?”

“She got fired from her marketing job. Mr. Suk helped her find a better one with another company.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked. He wondered why Dan had not told him either. Pushing his chair back, he moved to stand. “I’m going to call him.”

“Stop,” Gae In ordered. “Finish your food. Don’t bother Mr. Suk. He helped us out, you should be grateful to him.”

Jae sighed and pulled his chair back to the table. Taking his spoon, he decided the next time he and Dan met they were going to have a serious talk.

“Mr. Suk has your best interests at heart,” Gae In said after he’d taken a couple of bites of his food. “I like him.”

Jae met her gaze and shrugged.

“He’s great,” he said with a shrug. “Thank you for keeping up my cabbage patch.”

“Typical, you never want to discuss people who matter to you. Fine, you’ll tell me when you’re ready.” Gae In smiled. “You never came to eat gimchi, so I thought I‘d keep up the cabbage patch. Want to make gimchi with me?”

“Are you going to tell me why So Jin was fired?” Jae asked.

“Nope,” Gae In said.

He sighed and let it go. He decided he would find out from Dan.

“Okay. I’ll help you make gimchi.”

****

He’d been back in Gong for a week.

When he’d walked into Kim’s café the first day after his return home, the staff had recognized him this time. He was happy the staff had treated him as always. They greeted him warmly, hugging him and teasing him mercilessly for cutting his hair When he’d gone in to the hair salon to see Angie, she’d embraced him tight and punched him on his arm for not telling her who he was sooner. Shaking his head, he wondered what she’d have said had he told her before. Those days, Rebellion had been persona non grata.

As happy as he was about their acceptance, he couldn’t spend the day at the coffee shop anymore. Not if he wanted to protect his family’s privacy. Instead, he’d spend his days enjoying bicycle rides and exploring Gong thoroughly. It was lonely without Junghee and Andre, but it was also relaxing; there were no obligations and no stress, there was only one thing he couldn’t get out of his head.

Suk Dan. Jae couldn’t get him out of his head. Every time he closed his eyes, he remembered that kiss at his house. A house Dan had bought thinking about him, Jae thought with a sigh. Dan was always taking care of him.

“You’re going to ruin the cabbage,” Gae In said touching his hand.

Her warning pulled him back to the present. He had his hands in a bowl filled with radish seasoning. He concentrated on spreading the radish mix his mother had made on the leaves of the quarter-piece of napa cabbage they’d harvested the night before.

Gae In rolled up a leaf covered in radish seasoning and offered it to him for a taste. Her hands were covered with plastic gloves to protect them from the red seasoning. He opened his mouth and took the treat, wincing when the strong taste of pepper and spice exploded in his mouth.

Gae In laughed. “You haven’t been eating spicy food.”

“Looks like I’m making up for it this week,” he said taking a fresh cabbage from her. “Mum, why are we making so much gimchi? Are my sisters coming over or something?”

“Aren’t you leaving tomorrow?” Gae In asked as she continued covering her cabbage with seasoning. “We’ll pack this nicely in bowls that you can give Andre, Junghee, and Dan.”

“Dan?” he asked raising his brow at this new development. His mother was in love with the man. “Since when does he get a care package?”

“Since he started taking care of my son,” Gae In answered not looking up. “He keeps my mind at ease. Of course, I have to make sure he’s taking care of himself.”

“Mum,” Jae said staring at her. She didn’t look up, and her words were making his heart hurt.

“Promise you’ll visit me often now that you’re back,” she said.

Jae leaned over and kissed her forehead.

“I’ll visit you often,” he promised when she looked up, “and call you, and send you gifts.”

She smiled and held out another piece of cabbage. He took a bite and winced because she’d made it extra spicy.

Her phone buzzed and she glanced at it on the deck.

“Who is it?” he asked.

“I don’t know, unknown number,” she said removing her gloves.

He took over applying the mixture on the cabbage while she answered the phone. She got off the deck and moved closer to the house to get a clearer signal. A second later, she walked around the house and he hoped she wasn’t leaving him to make the gimchi. No matter how much he liked eating it, making the gimchi was exhausting.

He’d just finished two quarters when she returned, a frown on her forehead.

“What? I hope you’re not going to tell me I have to finish making this alone,” he complained.

“Jae,” she said just as someone followed her from the house. “Ah-,"

“Mrs. Kim,” Jaesun said happily running to catch up with her. “You’re walking so fast.”

Ice filled his veins, his heartbeat faltering in his chest, and he could barely take in air.

Gae In sighed and reached for a new pair of plastic gloves from the corner of the deck. She handed them to Jaesun and took back her spot. “I’m going to put you to work, Jaesun. We’re making gimchi for Jae’s-,”

“What are you doing here?” Jae demanded, glaring at his ex.

“I didn’t realize you’d come home,” Jaesun said with a small smile. Without faltering, Jaesun put the gloves on that Gae In had handed him and chose a spot between them.

Jae gritted his teeth, his hands bunching the cabbage in his bowl. He fought the urge to throw the mixture of cabbage leaves and spices on top of Jaesun’s head. How dare he show up to visit his home? Who did he think he was?

“Jae, stop scowling. Jaesun shows up from time to time. You do remember you promised to share your mother with him,” Gae In said in a soft voice. “Jaesun, greet your hyung, he’s been working hard today.”

“How have you been, hyung?” Jaesun obeyed with a small bow directed at him. “It’s been a long time, right?

“Aren’t you lost?” Jae demanded severely.

“Kim Jaehan,” Gae In said matching his tone. “This is my house. Be cordial to our guests.”

He sighed removed his hands from the bowl. There was no way he was going to sit here while Jaesun smiled at his mother. Pulling off his gloves, he threw them on the deck and got up.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going for a ride,” he declared without looking at Jaesun. “Call me when he leaves, I’ll help you with the gimchi then.”

“Jae,” Gae In said in shock when he walked off. “Kim Jaehan!”

He ignored her and stormed to the front of the house, scowling when he saw the black Mercedes parked right next to his Jeep. He hoped no one had followed Jaesun, otherwise hell was about to break out. Cursing under his breath, he changed direction headed to his car. Jaesun stopped him before he could get the door open.

“Why are you acting like this?” Jaesun demanded when he turned around.

“Fuck off!” Jae shouted, pushing him away. “Who the hell do you think you are? What are you doing here?”

“I’m visiting your mother,” Jaesun answered with a frown. “What do you think life was like for her when you went abroad? Three years, not seeing you, do you know?”

Jae punched Jaesun in the face as hard as he could. He shook his hand out when Jaesun staggered back, almost falling to the ground.

“Don’t ever judge my relationship with my mother,” Jae growled when Jaesun looked at him.

Jaesun touched his jaw delicately and scowled. “You’ve really gone wild, haven’t you? Nothing matters to you anymore.”

“What matters to me is my family, and you’re violating them right now,” Jae yelled, pointing at his parents’ house. “You have no claim to this place, Jaesun.”

“Mrs. Kim is like a mother to me,” Jaesun said with a frown. “She doesn’t mind if I visit her.”

“I mind.” Jae said glaring at him. “I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear what you have to say, and I sure as hell don’t want you visiting my mother.”

“You can’t stop me from coming.”

“My God, you’re selfish. Look at you, showing up here knowing very well the kind of drama that follows you. How many sasaeng fans do you have, J.P.? They must be in the thousands. Yet you came here with the same darned car you drive around in Seoul. Did you ever stop to think what would happen if they find out who you visit here?”

He hated the mutinous expression on Jaesun’s face. Defiance, anger, he didn’t care for any of those emotions. Jaesun was in the wrong here, not him. He wanted to drop Jaesun to the ground and rub his stupid handsome face in the dirt. Rage boiled under his skin, making his heartbeat accelerate.

“Leave,” he demanded, pointing to the black car.

“Hell no,” Jaesun said. “Mrs. Kim is packing me gimchi. I’m not leaving.”

“Why are you doing this?” Jae asked, narrowing his eyes. “What do you think is going to change between us?”

“Hasn’t it all changed already?” Jaesun asked. “You betrayed me-”

“I betrayed you?” Jae repeated in shock. A bitter laugh escaped and he turned away because if he didn’t he was going to hit Jaesun again. “I betrayed you, I see. Well, if that’s how you feel, what are you doing here?”

“Mrs. Kim,” Jaesun insisted. “She’s like a mother to me. Just because you and I are not together anymore, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t see her.”

Jae turned back to Jaesun. “No matter how many times you repeat that, I’m not going to believe you. You, Jaesun, are selfish!”

“That’s rich, coming from you,” Jaesun said, his face flushed red, his left jaw bruised. “Did you ever stop to think about what would happen to me if you quit Black Shade? Weren’t you being selfish destroying a group I loved and lived for? I loved you, hyung.”

Jae winced and looked away. He’d put that guilt to rest when he’d gotten on stage for Rebellion. He refused to carry it again. “Please leave, Jaesun.”

“Why, so that I make you feel better?” Jaesun shook his head. “I’m going right back to your mother. You might not care what happens to me, but she does.”

“Jae,” Gae In called out and he glanced up to find her standing a few feet away. “Go inside to your room.”

He shook his head, glaring at Jaesun.

Gae In came over and covered his fist with her hand. “Jae, you need to clear your head. Go inside and wash your face.”

He breathed out his anger and stormed to the front door without another glance at Jaesun. Upstairs, he went into the bathroom and splashed his face with cold water. Staring into the mirror above the sink, he wondered when the boiling rage inside him would end. It reared up every time he thought of Jaesun. The sight of Jaesun today had turned that rage into a spewing volcano. Why did he hurt more every time they met? Why did his heart want to shrivel up and hide? Gods, the pain they’d caused each other... he shook his head and sunk to the tile floor. He wanted to cry, but the tears had long dried up. Now all he had left was pain, unrelenting pain that Jaesun seemed determined to keep adding to.

Closing his eyes, he buried his face into his knees and prayed for redemption.

****

“Jae,” Gae In said quietly, an hour later when she found him in his room. She leaned on the door jamb at the bathroom. “You can’t hide in here forever. Jaesun left ten minutes after you entered the house.”

Jae kept his face buried in his knees, his back against the open bathroom door. “I’m sorry you saw me like that.”

Gae In sighed, moved to sit on the floor beside him and bumped his shoulder with hers. “I’ve seen you worse than that, little Jae.”

He scoffed. “I doubt it.”

Gae In sighed. “When you came back home three years ago, I thought you were never going to smile again. That was your worst, kiddo.”

Jae raised his head to rub his eyes with his fingers. “I hit him. I couldn’t help it.”

“Why?” Gae In asked.

“He pissed me off. How long has he been coming here?” Jae demanded turning to look at her. “Why do you allow it?”

“Should I turn him away?” Gae In asked meeting his gaze with a challenge of her own. “Weren’t you the one who brought him to me and told him to think of me as his mother? Mothers don’t abandon their children, no matter the situation.”

“You’re my mother, not his.” Jae disagreed. “He’s just-, he’s-,”

“As lost as you are,” Gae In finished for him. “You’re so angry with him. You’ve refused to see things in his perspective.”

“It’s difficult.” Jae shook his head.

Jaesun wasn’t the one who couldn’t sing freely in his own country, or the one fighting in court to get his dues. No, J.P. enjoyed V.I.P treatment with N-sang. Those bastards had thrown all their resources into making Jaesun a success. It pissed him off that they were doing the opposite with Rebellion, using their resources to bog them down, make them lose heart, especially after they’d won the court case. Adding Jaesun’s entitled attachment to his mother on top of that just sent him over the edge.

What perspective was he supposed to see? Jaesun was acting like those N-sang bastards.

“Jae,” Gae In said.

“Don’t ask me to forgive him,” Jae said before she could continue. “I can’t handle that just yet. He hurt me, Mum, and I know I was also at fault for not being…stronger. I just can’t look at him without getting angry.”

She sighed and took his hand. “I know it hurts every day, but the pain fades. Don’t let your anger rule, Jae. You have to look past it; otherwise you’ll end up a very bitter man.”

*****

His mother’s words stayed with him on his drive back to Seoul. He’d woken up early feeling restless. He’d helped his mother with the chores around the house before he’d packed up his bags and gotten in his car. She’d given him three sealed bowls of gimchi and bade him goodbye. Her words stuck with him because she’d asked him to find a way to forgive Jaesun. He’d promised he’d try, but no matter how much he thought about it, he didn’t see a way. He was afraid he’d end up a bitter man anyway.

****

em>hyung - used by guys to older brothers or older close friends
gimchi - (kimchi/kimchee) korean side dish
Thank you Lisa for your help!!