Even Stars Die - 8. Chapter 8

We drive along the ridge that straddles the western boundary of the city. He turns onto a dirt road that leads to the precipice, stops and turns off the lights.

Pointing upwards, he smiles, 'Take a look.'

The night is young.

The star-grained sky tells a billion tales, each story shining brightly; each story spanning eons. I have never taken the time to look at the sky at night.

'When last did you see such a beautiful sight?'

'I've never really looked at the night sky.'

He wraps his arm around my shoulder, 'Well, perhaps you should. Stars are made from the same stuff that we're made from. I believe that when we die, our souls drift away to own some distant star. Possess it. And the shine you see, that's not just light, but love.'

'You talk as though you've been there.'

He's silent, contemplative. 'There is a star out there that belongs to me. One belongs to you. There's a star for each one of us. These are our homes.' His voice has an air of truth, but for a simple student like myself, all I see in his words is a profound poetic beauty.

'When you leave for CapeTown on Thursday, I want you to know that I'll miss you. I'll be praying and waiting for you when you get back.'

I never told him I'd be leaving on Thursday.

'I appreciate that. I wish you were coming with me. Alex, how do you know I'm leaving on Thursday? Coach hasn't decided.'

'You must have said.'He stammers.

'Nope.'

'Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? You'll at least have Friday to acclimatize. Find bearings. When you get back, you are going to be my hero.'

'Your hero, how so?'

'You will win.'

'I'm hoping to better my times, that's all. A win isn't what I expect.'

'Trust me, Keegs, you will win. Greece is yours for the taking.'

'I wish. There's Marx, Fisher and Pistorius to contend with. All I know is that when I get back, I want to be around you all the time.'

He's looking at my fingers. Playing with them. Rubbing his thumb up and down the back of my hand. 'I wish there was more of it.'

'Alex. You're talking in riddles. What do you mean, more of it.'

'Time. I wish there was more time to be with you, like forever.'

Suddenly his mood swings. He's quiet. The air around us is still.

Leaning forward, I gaze into his eyes and see a hint of sorrow. 'What's going on in that lucid mind of yours, Alex?'

'Do you really want to know?'

'You're so quiet, I can hear your heart beat.'

'I'm thinking about you, about the accident that took away your legs. I'm thinking how brave you are. I'm thinking your family has suffered so much all these years. I'm thinking.'

I place a finger over his lips. Silencing him. 'That period of my life is over, Al. Come to think of it, since telling you, I haven't had nightmares.'

'I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking, have you told me everything?'

The story is a simple one. There is no more, or less to it. Within 3 minutes it was over. I told him what I remember, mostly, and what my parents told me. What else could there be? I heard the bang. I felt the car swerve and topple over the embankment. I remember being flung out of the window. I rolled down the embankment and stopped directly in the path of the rolling vehicle.

No more.

'What do you mean that I haven't told you everything?'

'I mean, could it be that your folks are keeping information to themselves?'

I can't believe I'm hearing this from him. One minute he's talking about stars, the next minute he's trashing my folks.

'Are you saying that my folks are lying?'

'I didn't say that. I would never say that.'

'But you did. Listen Alex, my mom and dad might be poor, they might not be what you expect them to be, but they don't lie to me. Why would they lie?'

'I...I'm sorry Keegs. Please believe me, it wasn't meant that way.'

'No. I think it was. I tell you what, you think what you like about my folks, I know them.'

I climbed out of the car and slammed the door behind me.

Parents. What would I be without them? What would Alex be without his parents, whom I have never met? They've been around much longer than we have. They have experience. They give love, and take it back. Children argue with them, yes, I do, but that doesn't give anyone else the right to trash them. One set of parents is all one has, or should have. One set. To my mind, they are above criticism, and Alex just stepped over that line.

'Keegs, please man. Come back.' He grabs my arm and I shake his hand off. 'Leave me alone, Alex. It's just as well that you showed me your true colours. Leave me. I'll find my way home.'

'No! I won't leave you. You're stuck with me. I didn't mean to infer that your parents are lying. I'm just trying to understand. I'm trying to get into your head. I'm sorry, it won't happen again.'

'Damned right, it won't happen again. You're not going to have the opportunity.'

I walk. He stands rooted to the spot. I don't turn back. I hear the car start up, the gentle humming of the engine as it approaches me from behind.

He rolls the window down, 'Keegs, listen man, you can't walk home. It's too far, you know that. If you don't want to have anything to do with me any more, at least let me take you home. Please Keegs.'

I stop walking. He's right. It is too far.

'You'll do that, take me home?'

'Yes.'

I climb into the car and he gently moves off.

We don't speak. There is no need to. The night has become a nightmare. We race along the highway, and I remember the night he introduced himself to me. I was shaken. I remember the first time his lips brushed against mine. The first time I held his hand, the first time...all of them, first times. I realise how lucky I am to have Alex.

As the car negotiates an intersection close to my parent's house, he applies brakes, climbs out, and covers his face with his hands. I've never seen such emotion. he's not saying a word, the sobs and gasps won't allow him.

I climb out, approach him, stand in front of him without touching him. I wait for the sobs to calm down.

'Please don't do this to us, Keegs. I have never met any one like you and I know it will never happen again. I am so sorry about what I said. I wasn't thinking. I can't take you home. I don't want you to leave me.'

I am overwhelmed by his sincerity. I take his hand and hold it to my chest. He falls into my arms. He's shaking from head to toe. We remain in that position for about five minutes before he looks at me with a passion I have never experienced.

I draw his head into the nape of my neck and hold him there, on a strange road, in the dark. His chest heaving and faltering from the sobs. I know I've been a bastard. I know that he is as vulnerable as I am, and if I had just one excuse for not pronouncing my love for him, it would be that I have never loved. I'm far too concerned with my own well being, mental independence, and spiritual selfishness.

'For a moment there I thought you'd drop me off outside my house. I was hoping, praying you'd stop the car and turn around. I wanted to say sorry back on the ridge. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.'

I lift his head and take in the magnifiscent hazel brown eyes, the black stubble beard, the eyebrows that meet in the middle, and the softness of his skin. His eyes search mine for a hint but now is not the time to show it'

'I should never have been so insensitive to your feelings. You really love your parents. I wish I could say the same.'

Admonished, yes. Astonished, yes. He would never say something like that if there was love in his heart for his folks. Something must have happened.

'What do you mean?'

'My parents love each other...a true love. They've known each other since childhood and fell in love during their teens. But that's it. They care about no one else. They have no friends, but many romantic dinners. Always candles, always wine, always fresh flowers. They make each other blissfully happy, but they have no life. I suffered. They were never interested in what I did as a child, as a teenager. Sure, they supported me because it was their duty and right, not a privelege, not a gaurantee of continued support. They are anti-social. Frigid when it comes to having fun, socialising, making new friends. hey, but here we are in the middle of a main road, chatting about us. Let's drive.

'Are you okay to drive?'

One last sniff and he nods his head. 'I think I need to teach you how to handle a car.'

'I'll be angry if you don't teach me.'

On the way home he places his hand on my thigh just to let me know he's there. He's totally present; physically, mentally and spiritually. I lean across the seat and place my head on his lap. His free hand softly runs through my hair, and I'm so grateful for him.

I have so much to learn, so much to receive, and Alex is prepared to give his heart and his soul. I want that so much, and strange as it may seem now, even though I've known him for a short while, I still have no idea how old he is.

'You're crying.' He says, pulling my head into the valley of his chest.

I nod my head. 'Because I nearly made the biggest mistake of my life.'

I turn my head and stare up into his face. A different viewpoint, seeing his chin from the underside. He has sharper features.

'We're okay. I know we're okay.'

My hand stretches out and touches his chin, 'I hope so. I really hope so.'

I've always wondered how it feels to have my head on someone's lap, and it lulls me into an easy sleep, reinforcing the notion, that when I'm with Alex, nothing can threaten my safety, and it makes me almost whole.

It's another half hour before we reach his house. He wakes me gently and I lift my head, slightly dazed, but aware what has transpired, feeling like a shining jewel because we were able to save a potentially bad situation.