Even Stars Die - 2. Chapter 2

I reach for the door and climb into the car. As a rule I don't wear my blades everywhere I go. I decided a long time ago to carry around my normal prostheses. I place my Cheetah legs on the back seat.

'So, you say Patrick asked you to help him out. Don't you have band practice or something?'

'Tomorrow. Thursday is my day off from music.'

'You're lucky you get a day off. I don't know what that is.'

'You should try it sometime, good for the karma.'

Every time he changes gears his hand brushes against my knee. I'm sure he's noticed that I don't move it out of the way.

'I wanted to tell you it was great meeting you the other night. We didn't have a chance to speak much.'

'You were busy.'

'What are you doing this afternoon?'

'Studying.'

'What are you studying?'

'Sport Science.'

'Beyond me.' He shrugged, 'I have a diploma in horticulture.'

I smile at him, 'That's great.'

'What do you do in Sport Science?'

'Well, it's basically a study of sport and the science of sport. Like I could determine the force of impact of a runner's foot, or the speed of a boxer's fist, I could apply to a research institute and even teach. So there are many opportunities after studying.'

'I need to apologise to you.' He says.

'What for?'

'For being so forward the other night. I had no right to.'

'It's nothing. Really, nothing. You're a decent guy.'

'Patrick tells me you live with your mom and dad?'

'I'm making plans.'

'Plans. For what?'

'Nothing. I shouldn't have said that.'

'You promise to tell me when you are ready.'

'Maybe...maybe not.'

'If you're going to tell me, rather do it sooner than later. But I can wait.'

'Moving out. I can't run away. I have to tell them. But there are other things. I need to find a job before I move out. I can't see myself without a roof over my head. I see myself living comfortably. Then apply for a special driver's licence, and then maybe find a place of my own.'

'You're going through an exciting time. Things need to be put into perspective and maybe your plan will work.'

'There's a lot to be accomplished in the next couple of months. More than I bargained for.'

It is so. I have to make sure that I'm comfortable with myself. I have to experience, somehow, somewhere, with someone, have to share these emotions of desolation. I'm an ice-shelf. I have nothing to teach anyone. I need to be taught. His hand scrapes against mine and I move mine away in a quick, conscious action, he notices. Smiles. Apologises. I am tingling. I am faced with a conflict of will. I have suppressed my feelings so long now that it's first nature for me to be so reflexive. An instinctive move. I want to drop my hand and touch him again, but that will be pushing the envelope a little too far. I give him directions to my place and he follows them to the letter.

He stops at a traffic light and turns to me. 'I see you're deep in thought.'

'So much to think about. So much to do and I know it will be like betraying them.'

He takes my hand. Clutches it. Releases. 'I know the feeling. I had to make the same choices. I left home at the age of 20. Lost the right to a twenty first birthday party. Lost the key to the future. So, instead I celebrated a twenty fifth birthday party. Themed. Nineteen Twenties...last century. Everyone dressed to kill. Me in a twenties soccer outfit. I hate soccer. At the end of the evening I was so dronk a rugby player could maul me. They were pouring southern comfort in a punch and forcing me to drink. It was a hell of a night, but I was a proud gay man in a world where gay was being addressed and questioned. A budding flower. I was available, and found solace with all the wrong people. If I had remained with my parents, things would have turned out differently. You're twenty two, you've used your time to learn. Maybe it's time to get out of your shell.'

The conversation suddenly centres around me and I feel uncomfortable. He's right. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stop along the way, look back and reflect, reconsider the choices and options to come. Take a different road. No one has ever been this forthright with me. No one has ever known me well enough. Alex doesn't know me but it seems we've known each other a lifetime. Alex scares me. And I'm drawn to it.

'So, this is where you live.'

The car stops. I reach for the door handle but he quickly grabs my hand and holds it tight.

'Listen, I know this might sound strange and maybe a little uncouth, but I...I'd like to well, will you come with me to a movie, or something, do something, you know, like together?'

His hand squeezes mine and I don't pull away. He's releasing his energy into me.He follows the good. He seems genuine. I ask myself what about me? Am I being genuine to my feelings? Am I ready for this? The heart plays like the seasons, each season bringing with it a different fragrance, a different look, as things of beauty mature and present themselves to the world. I barely know the guy. I've only just met him.

'I'll call you.' I tell him.

He smiles at me with joy in his eyes, 'maybe I'll call you.'

I open the door and he waves goodbye.

'Chat soon.' I say, but he doesn't hear me, he's turned the corner.