Collection of Poetry - 8. Losing Myself

Losing Myself

You walked into the room
and my jaw dropped
I pushed my boyfriend to the side,
and chased you down

The months dragged on; the novelty wore off
You dropped the façade, but I was too blind to see
How can such beauty be a veil to something so ugly?
Why couldn’t I separate the physical from the emotional?

I tried to leave time and again,
But I kept coming back for more
Was I too weak?
Was I too doubtful of myself?

I let you validate me
And in doing so, I lost myself
I placed you before me
And in doing so, I sacrificed my identity

I saw what the world didn’t
I saw the hatred, the caprice, the vanity
I saw you demean, belittle and patronize me
And I looked up at you with adoration
Who was that?
‘I’m sorry,’ you say. ‘I couldn’t help myself’
It’s okay
‘It was just the one time’

When you were angry, I cringed
When you were happy, I was happy
When you were sad, I blamed myself
When you were gone, I waited like a dog
When you cheated, I forgave you
When you forgot me, I felt broken
When you told me I was ugly, I bought a new wardrobe
When you said jump, I asked how high
Your wish was my command

You were complacent, and I was a coward
But you didn’t know when enough was enough
You didn’t know my limits, and you pushed to hard
And I snapped

I just wanted to please
You were having a bad day
I brought you soup
You wanted to be left alone
And you slapped me

Fuck you
You were incensed, and I was calculating
You tried to force me, and I quashed you
You tried to take it back, but it was too late
You lost me, and I found myself