They may not mean to, but they do - 33. Thirty-Three

Tuesday, Thomas worked from home (and this time it really was working as when Keith popped his head round the door of Thomas’ flat, he was always on the phone). Keith had a series of errands to run, things to buy, people to see. Then in the afternoon, they made their way to Harpur Castle. This time Keith felt a little less overawed and was more prepared. He didn’t feel he could bring Greg’s copy of Pevsner but had made notes.

After checking in (and their room seemed to be identical to the last time), they explored, looking at the castle and grounds properly. This was where Nate and Caroline found them, staring at a stone wall, picking out what they thought was medieval detail from later additions.

With the arrival of the other couple, the conversation became more general, and they made their way towards afternoon tea, but at a slow meander. They split into two pairs, the two brothers walked ahead, having an amicable tussle about money (who was to pay for the tea and the bar bill – Thomas won). This left Keith and Caroline. Keith started to tell Caroline about their visit to Kirkstall Abbey, which led to the Dissolution of the Monasteries. A topic Keith knew about mainly from reading the guidebook, though he thought he’d come across it at school, but Caroline proved to be informed and entertaining on the subject. By the time they reached the restaurant, the two were deep in conversation and found their partners standing waiting and smiling at how oblivious Caroline and Keith were. It ended with Caroline promising Keith a book about the topic.

Tea was a more general catch-up, and Keith decided that the evening was going to be OK. Nate and Caroline were interested in almost everything, so that conversation veered to and fro without getting bogged down in church things. Nate was more interested in the design of some of the modern houses where Keith was working than in Keith’s thoughts on the recent service at Leeds Minster. Thank goodness.

Then just as they were getting up, Caroline remembered something and said ‘The Box’ to Nate. Clearing out Thomas’ boxes from their attic had spurred them on to more clearing, including going through Nate and Thomas’ Father’s papers. Amongst these they found a box that seemed to all refer to Thomas, so Nate wanted Thomas to go through the papers and decide for himself.

It was a rather battered box file, with the word Thomas written in a scrawly but still rather elegant hand. Thomas opened it and there was a mass of paperwork, the top layer seemed to deal with Thomas’ time at Uni. Nate hadn’t been through it, and it was up to Thomas what to keep or throw.

So, when they returned to their room Keith went for a shower and left Thomas to look through the papers. Keith was just drying off when he heard what could only be described as an explosion, he’d never heard Thomas make such a noise before. Hastily pulling on the towelling robe he went back into the bedroom, expecting to find Thomas had had an accident.

Papers were in neat piles on the bed, and there were a couple on Thomas’ lap, but he had one in his hand and was shaking it. He handed it to Keith, “Just look at this!” His tone was outraged.

It was a leaflet for a Modern Christian Camp, there were stagey pictures of happy smiling teenagers, and it proudly informed the reader that the camp would prayerfully and effectively bring young people back to God no matter what their problems. And the list of problems was headed with sexual issues, homosexuality, relationship issues. On the back of the leaflet, there was an application form and Thomas’ name had been filled in. Keith looked at the date, he reckoned Thomas would have been 17, the Summer before his final year at school.

“Did he tell you about this?”

Thomas shook his head, “Not at all. I had no idea. We never talked about sex, except for the standard biblical and moral stuff. Certainly nothing about me being attracted to guys.”

“Were you, then?”

Thomas frowned, “Not sure. I knew there was something. Guys were attractive, naked guys were very attractive. But I also knew that I was supposed to do a degree, go into the church, find a decent woman and get married.”

“That was the plan?”

“Dad’s plan. For both Nate and me. He saw no reason for us changing from the path he’d laid down.”

“So, being gay wasn’t in it?”

Thomas frowned, “If my being gay was the problem. Might conceivably have been something else. There’s a leaflet for the next year too. Looks as if we need to speak to Nate.”

Thomas was quiet, but Keith thought he was upset yet there was little that Keith could do. He barely knew Thomas’ brother and their Father was an unknown. Though Caroline had said he was very saintly.

Once they had ordered in the restaurant, Thomas brought out the two leaflets and put them on the table. Nate picked up one and Caroline the other. Nate looked at his brother, puzzled, “Where did you find these?”

“In Dad’s box.”

“He kept them?”

“Looks like it. Was he serious? My name’s filled in on one of them.” Nate stared at Thomas, puzzled, and was silent.

Caroline filled the space, “Gay conversion therapy.”

“By another name.”

“I remember reading about these camps, one of Mother’s friends was quite an activist.”

“What, pro?”

“No, anti. She felt that they did teenagers damage. Quite right too.” Caroline was brisk and looked at Nate, “Did your Dad talk to you about them?”

“Yes. I found a leaflet on his desk. Must have been, oh, when Thomas was just about to be in his final year at school, I was approaching my final year at Uni. I had sort of re-discovered religion after a rather wild time but was something of a prig.” Thomas gave an amused snort and the brothers exchanged glances. “But I was firmly of the opinion that these camps were No Good.” He looked at Caroline, “Like your Mother’s friend, I’d managed to pick something up at Uni, a sense that they did harm. I had gay friends at Uni, in the church. Dad didn’t like that; it was all a bit too liberal for him. There were rules and you had to follow them.” Thomas nodded. “Anyroad, I found the leaflet and gave him what for. I think he listened because I did it from a religious perspective. As I say, I was a bit of a prig.”

Caroline smiled, “Before the experience of life as a curate in a poor working-class parish rubbed the corners off.”

“Precisely”, he smiled at his wife, “I’m sure he said that he was going to speak to Thomas about it. But I know that he had the leaflet the next year, and we had another row about it. The two are a bit blurred. Again, I’m sure he said he was going to talk to you rather than bludgeon you with the camp. Anyhow, when you and he had that first blow-up during your first term at Uni, I assumed that was what it was about. He never said anything.”

Thomas nodded, “He never did unless it suited him.”

“Precisely. He never said anything but kept the leaflets. Strange.”

“Did he think I was gay? Even then?”

“I don’t honestly know”, Nate thought for a bit, “I knew that you were curious and questioning, we’d talked about that. But I never said anything to him, honest.” He looked straight at Thomas.

“It's OK, Nate, I didn’t think you did. That’s not how he worked. The blow-up at Uni was about my dodgy friends, and I presume he kept an eye who I hung around with at school.”

“It was difficult to keep anything secret, always someone happy to tattle about what his sons had been up to.”

Caroline smiled, “Parish life. So, you were a bad boy too?”

“Not bad. But there were girls, just harmless flirtations, experiments like Thomas here, though with a different sex. But that was too far for Dad. Purity before marriage.”

“All through Uni, I was expecting the big one. The argument about liking guys, but it never came.”

“Waiting for the second shoe to drop.”

“Yeah. Why didn’t it?”

Nate frowned slightly, “Perhaps he’d learned his lesson with me. After all his pressure nearly made me leave Uni and go travelling.”

“He’d have hated that.”

“Precisely. When you got to Uni, I was safely on course at theological college and enjoying myself. One son in the right place. I even had a girlfriend from the right sort of family”, he smiled at Caroline.

“So, he chickened out?”

“Maybe. Though it wasn’t like Dad to chicken out.”

Their starters came and the conversation focused more on the food, who had ordered what and so on. There was pigeon on the menu this time and Keith decided to risk that. Thomas had grinned, warning he might be disappointed. It tasted OK. The sauce was great but picking the meat off the bones left him aware that he was trailing behind everyone else.

Later Nate came back to the subject his Father and Thomas’ sexuality, the issue clearly still nagging him. “Dad’s friend, Archdeacon Emmerson died around the time you went to Uni.”

“Archdeacon Embolism”, the two smiled at the reminiscence of the nickname, “I know they were friends, but they weren’t that close, were they?”

“He was a big influence theologically.”

“And he was a real bigot”, Caroline’s eyes sparkled.

“You knew him?”

“No, but he was talked about. That friend of Mother’s and such. We might have moved in similar circles, but our houses had very different opinions on matters like sexuality.”

“So Old Embolism was a real bigot. You think he was urging Dad on?”

“Wouldn’t surprise me.”

Thomas shook his head, “Then why the hell didn’t he talk to me about it?” But they had no answer.

They weren’t late returning to their room, but when Keith had done his ablutions, he found Thomas still sitting on the bed holding the leaflet. So, Keith poured them both a brandy from the mini-bar, took the leaflet out of Thomas’ hand and gave him the brandy.

“He never ever saw me, the real me, we were simply projects to him. Oh, he loved us in his way, a bit distant but he wanted the best for us. Only it was his best. He never understood either of us. My friends were never terrible, but they were not the sort of people Dad expected his sons to be associating with.”

There was a tap on the door, puzzled Keith went to see who it was. There was Nate, with a half-full bottle of whisky. “We’d planned to invite you into the room for a nightcap, and hotel prices are always so ridiculous for the mini-bar, so we brought this. Then forgot, what with everything. So”, he grinned at the two of them, “have a night-cap on us?” The two brothers hugged each other and then Nate went off.

Thomas poured them both drinks, “Do you think I’d feel better if we’d had a really big barny at the time about me being gay?”

“Not sure. Looks as if what your Dad wanted to do was a politer form of what mine did. Beat it the hell out of you. If Caroline’s right, it's probably a good job you never went to the camp. Scar you for life.”

“I’d have put up a hell of a fight if I’d found out when I was 17.”

“Would you have won?”

“Not sure. You’re probably right, but I just wish he’d talked to me about it.”

“But you did argue?”

“Sure, all the time when I was a student. He kept picking me up on the company I kept, the subjects I was studying, the lot. Nothing was quite right. He’d nag away at me, and I never knew quite why.”

“So now you do.”

“Yeah, he really wanted to tell me that being gay sucked, and he lacked the guts. Let's drink this whisky and talk of something more uplifting.”

The next morning the four of them went for a very, very long walk. Nate and Thomas’ Dad was only vaguely discussed, but lots of other things were from Nate and Thomas different experiences of University, Thomas’ VSO and how he fell in love with Africa and the people. Caroline pressed Keith on his Father, so more of the story came out and he admitted that he was thinking of going back to explore where he’d been brought up.

It was Caroline who summed it up, commenting that whilst neither of them might be able to make peace with the Fathers, they needed to reach the point where it was something that was in the past, put to bed, and not the sort of festering sore which kept coming back.