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    Ron
  • Ron
  • Author
  • 09/12/2013
  • 642 Words
  • 2,796 Views
  • 26 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
2013 - Fall - Pandora's Box Entry

What's Inside - 1. Don't Peek.

The doorbell rang in the usual pattern for Sam’s best friend, Jeremy. It was always three short blasts, then two more and ended with one long one. It was like his version of Morse code, only Sam didn’t think it had any meaning. Sam’s parents had been after Jeremy for years because of it and he would always end up smiling and then ignore them. Sam thought that they should have just given up by now, but they still doggedly persisted.

“Hey, Sam,” Jeremy said when Sam opened the door. “You’ll never guess what I’ve got.” Jeremy was standing on the top step, holding a sort of medium-sized blue box with a yellow lid.

“Hey, back. What’s in the box?”

“Pandora,” Jeremy replied with a straight face.

Sam looked at Jeremy, cocked his head to the left, and rolled his eyes. One thing Jeremy was most definitely good at was practical jokes. Sam figured that this was just the beginning of another. “Come on, Jeremy it’s almost time for lunch and I’m starving. I didn’t have breakfast this morning,” Sam said. “I don’t have the patience for a joke right now. Lighten up till after we eat, will ya?”

“It’s not a joke.” Jeremy frowned. “I’m not kidding around. Pandora really is in the box. Come on.” Jeremy punctuated this with a slap of his right hand to the top of the box. Sam eyed it with interest now, wondering just who, or what, Pandora was.

“Okay. I’ll bite, are you going to show me,” said Sam. “Or, do I have to guess?” He was getting a little ticked off, now.

“No guessing,” Jeremy said with a sneer. “All you have to do is reach into the box.”

Sam regarded the box with something akin to curiosity crossed with fear. He knew what Jeremy was capable of. Sam glanced back up at Jeremy and looked him in the eye. He looked innocent enough and there wasn’t the usual hint of mischief in his eyes that Sam would normally find when Jeremy was up to no good. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Jeremy practically shouted.

Jeremy then lifted up the yellow lid slowly and just enough so that there was a small gap for Sam to slide a hand in. Sam looked down at the box and then reached out with his right hand. It felt like his hand was shaking even though he could see that it wasn’t. Sam looked up at Jeremy again to see if there had been any change in his eyes and not sensing anything off, slid his flattened hand into the box.

“Aaahhh!” Sam cried out. He yanked his hand back, almost yanking the lid off the box in the process. Sam looked at his hand as if it had been bitten. Although there weren’t any bite marks, his fingertips were throbbing. Sam looked at the box with shock. Was there something dangerous in there, could it be poisonous or was Jeremy truly playing a practical joke after all?

Jeremy was watching Sam with some trepidation this time. He wondered if Sam was going to cold cock him. He looked pretty scared and pissed, too.

“What the hell is in there, Jeremy?” Sam yelled. “What’s wrong with you?”

Suddenly, the box shuddered and then it shifted to the left in Jeremy’s hands. Sam felt his eyes expand and Jeremy clutched the box a little tighter.

“I’m sorry, Sam. Really,” Jeremy said with a sad face. “I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I just wanted to share her with you.”

And with that said, Jeremy lifted the lid on the box pulling it away. Sam leaned over carefully, stretching his neck a little, to take a peek. There in the box, partially filled with shredded newspaper, was a small hedgehog.

“That’s… Pandora?”

“In the box,” smiled Jeremy.

Many thanks to Myiege for the editing of this, my first story.
2013 R.L. Hunter; All Rights Reserved
  • Like 19
  • Haha 1
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
2013 - Fall - Pandora's Box Entry
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thebrinkoftime

These sound like the same two characters from your other story, only at a different time of their life. Or is this kind of a like Platonic Sam and Jeremy? A Sam and Jeremy who are never quite the same character but always the ideal of the Sam idea and the Jeremy idea in the author's mind? Either way, it's an compelling story-telling tactic to take and I'd certainly like to see more short stories between these two. Halloween is coming up! I want to read a Sam and Jeremy Halloween story!

 

As you can tell, I enjoyed your story, but before I go on about what I liked, I want to get out of the way what I didn't enjoy about it. In some parts of the story, you tell us what Sam is thinking and allow us to interpret what that might look like. That's fine. I have no problem with that. I'm not one of those people who is constantly screaming, "Show, Don't Tell" like it is some rule you should never violate. But then you often go on to show us what Sam is doing as well. This is often redundant and for such a short story, I would have been grateful if every sentence added something new. So for example, when I read that Sam gives Jeremy a dubious look and rolls his eyes, I already know what Sam is thinking because you showed me what that is. The next two sentences state the blazingly obvious: that Jeremy is a practical joker and Sam is suspicious. I would have appreciated a telling sentence after the showing one that gave me non-obvious information I couldn't imply, like, oh, say an example of Jeremy's previous practical jokes or a funny metaphor that tells me how Sam usually reacts to Jeremy's exploits. So while I think it's fine to mix telling sentences and showing sentences in a story, I feel like there is a lot of dead description and dead sentences that could have further made this story come alive, had they not been so redundant. ("Sam eyed it with interest now, wondering just who, or what, Pandora was." What is the point of the "with interest" description? Of course he's interested, that's why he's wondering who or what Pandora is.) I feel this is especially important for really short pieces. So despite the fact that there are no really bad grammar or spelling blemishes in this tale, I can't help but feel that the overall writing was a great deal sloppier than your first story.

 

However, beyond the prose lies a cute little tale that makes me feel all gooey and sunshiney inside. Other than Sam & Jeremy, there is another link between your first story and this one: they are both examples of small moments that go far beyond the emotional complexity usually seen in such Chicken Soup for the Soul scenes. If I relate to one character, it is Jeremy (surprise, surprise) because I often do and did things like this, that is, in an attempt to make everything fun and funny end up frightening people in a way I never anticipated. So while I personally identify with Jeremy, Sam reminds me of my friends, especially the sensitive ones who claimed I was abusing them. The portrayal of a young mind whose imagination can truly expand to any number of unlikely scenarios of what could be in the box is spot on. Despite identifying with Jeremy, I was terrified right along with Sam until the reveal came. And then I felt the same feeling one gets when they're sure a burglar has infiltrated their house in the middle of the night and it just turns out that a cute little bird is flapping outside the window. There's a lot of truth hiding in the nooks and crannies of this small little yarn and that's an exceptional thing to pull off.

 

To bring an adult reader, somebody who is far removed from the feelings these two characters display, so easily and effortlessly into their minds and immerse them into their viewpoint, is no small feat. It is a testament to what a good character creator and storyteller you are that this story resonates so well with its readers.

  • Like 1
Ron
On 09/14/2013 11:21 AM, thebrinkoftime said:
These sound like the same two characters from your other story, only at a different time of their life. Or is this kind of a like Platonic Sam and Jeremy? A Sam and Jeremy who are never quite the same character but always the ideal of the Sam idea and the Jeremy idea in the author's mind? Either way, it's an compelling story-telling tactic to take and I'd certainly like to see more short stories between these two. Halloween is coming up! I want to read a Sam and Jeremy Halloween story!

 

As you can tell, I enjoyed your story, but before I go on about what I liked, I want to get out of the way what I didn't enjoy about it. In some parts of the story, you tell us what Sam is thinking and allow us to interpret what that might look like. That's fine. I have no problem with that. I'm not one of those people who is constantly screaming, "Show, Don't Tell" like it is some rule you should never violate. But then you often go on to show us what Sam is doing as well. This is often redundant and for such a short story, I would have been grateful if every sentence added something new. So for example, when I read that Sam gives Jeremy a dubious look and rolls his eyes, I already know what Sam is thinking because you showed me what that is. The next two sentences state the blazingly obvious: that Jeremy is a practical joker and Sam is suspicious. I would have appreciated a telling sentence after the showing one that gave me non-obvious information I couldn't imply, like, oh, say an example of Jeremy's previous practical jokes or a funny metaphor that tells me how Sam usually reacts to Jeremy's exploits. So while I think it's fine to mix telling sentences and showing sentences in a story, I feel like there is a lot of dead description and dead sentences that could have further made this story come alive, had they not been so redundant. ("Sam eyed it with interest now, wondering just who, or what, Pandora was." What is the point of the "with interest" description? Of course he's interested, that's why he's wondering who or what Pandora is.) I feel this is especially important for really short pieces. So despite the fact that there are no really bad grammar or spelling blemishes in this tale, I can't help but feel that the overall writing was a great deal sloppier than your first story.

 

However, beyond the prose lies a cute little tale that makes me feel all gooey and sunshiney inside. Other than Sam & Jeremy, there is another link between your first story and this one: they are both examples of small moments that go far beyond the emotional complexity usually seen in such Chicken Soup for the Soul scenes. If I relate to one character, it is Jeremy (surprise, surprise) because I often do and did things like this, that is, in an attempt to make everything fun and funny end up frightening people in a way I never anticipated. So while I personally identify with Jeremy, Sam reminds me of my friends, especially the sensitive ones who claimed I was abusing them. The portrayal of a young mind whose imagination can truly expand to any number of unlikely scenarios of what could be in the box is spot on. Despite identifying with Jeremy, I was terrified right along with Sam until the reveal came. And then I felt the same feeling one gets when they're sure a burglar has infiltrated their house in the middle of the night and it just turns out that a cute little bird is flapping outside the window. There's a lot of truth hiding in the nooks and crannies of this small little yarn and that's an exceptional thing to pull off.

 

To bring an adult reader, somebody who is far removed from the feelings these two characters display, so easily and effortlessly into their minds and immerse them into their viewpoint, is no small feat. It is a testament to what a good character creator and storyteller you are that this story resonates so well with its readers.

Just to clarify - This is my first story. The other, while published first, is actually me second attempt.

 

 

I do appreciate your criticisms and your reasoning behind them. You give me much to think about.

 

 

Gooey and sunshiny, that's exactly what I was going for, LOL. What a nice compliment to say that you made a connection with the characters by identifying them with both yourself and friends(victims) and I thought that you couldn't say anything better. Then you did and such nice comments they were.

 

 

Thank you for reading my story and for your review, Brink.

Ron
On 09/14/2013 11:12 PM, Ieshwar said:
LOL! That was funny. Jeremy has the same sense of humour as my colleagues. I can totally imagine them doing that. I love how you kept us guessing what was in the box. At first, I thought you were going for horror, the romance. But this was great. Loved it. Quirky and funny. :)
I'm glad to hear you could in-vision the scene and Jeremy certainly has a quirky kind of humour, poor Sam. Thanks for reading and reviewing, Leshwar.
comicfan

I'm sorry I am so late in leaving a review. I had actually read this story before the anthology went live but had to wait to leave it. I loved how you kept everyone guessing what was in the box, and just what was Pandora. The fact that it was a hedgehog just made me smile and read it over again. This story was so different from all the rest and a lot of fun to read. Can't wait to see what else you come up with Ron.

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