Cal - 3. Chapter 3

The walk back to Davey's place was mostly silent and thankfully short. As soon as he opened the door Scarlett was running towards us. Fuck, I'd almost forgotten about her. But she wasn't really interested in me.

"Go and sit down Cal, I'll have to get Scarlett some food."

I did as Davey suggested and walked in to the lounge. Fuck me. It was massive. A big L-shaped room, with glass doors all down one side leading out to the deck and garden. I sat at one end of a sofa, there were three to choose from, and waited. I felt awkward and out of place. Davey walked in moments later, carrying a couple of beers. He sat next to me, handing me a bottle.

"So tell me, whatever it is you were trying to say earlier."

I though I had it, I thought I was back in control. But I could feel the tears building in my eyes almost immediately. How the fuck can someone do that to you?

"Aww, come on Cal, it can't be that bad, surely."

"Something happened, and I don't know what it is, but you keep taking up all the space in my head. I thought I needed to see you, to work out what's wrong with me."

“I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with you at all.”

He pulled me close to him, hugging me. And I started to tell him. The honest, scary, tragic, sad truth about me. For reasons I will never understand, I started to tell him everything. The kind of person I am, the things I do, and the things I have done. He asked questions at appropriate places, and was obviously paying attention, but I was doing most of the talking. Half an hour later, I stopped talking. There wasn't anything else to say. It actually felt pretty good, I don't think I've ever told anyone most of the stuff I'd just told Davey. But then I realised what I'd done, and felt very scared. I don't think I've ever felt so vulnerable before in my whole life. I don't let anyone in, literally no-one, ever. I looked at Davey. He was looking back at me. And then it happened. He kissed me again. But this wasn't soft and gentle like before, outside the bar. This was hard, big, and totally fucking awesome. After several minutes of that, which I was totally getting into, he pulled away.

"You're an amazing guy Cal, but I've got a crazy busy weekend, so I'm going to bed. The spare room is made up, or you can come in with me, if you want. It's up to you."

Davey stood up, and walked off into his bedroom. I sat there, slightly stunned. I tried to decide what to do, but struggled to make sense of how I was feeling. I could just leave and go home. I could sleep in the spare room, it's a nice bed. Or I could sleep with him. And what? What was going to happen then? What do I want to happen? Do I even want anything to happen at all? But above all else, as much as I tried to push it away, I knew that I wanted him to hold me again. So I walked in to his bedroom.

Wow. And I mean, totally, fucking, stunned to near silence, knees about to give way, wow. Davey had started to undress, and was standing in just his boxers. His body was totally covered in hair, and he was actually in pretty good shape. Pecs nicely defined, no obvious six pack but flat and hard chest and abs. And his arms, big and bulging in all the right places. I'd wondered if he would just look 'big', but no, he looked fucking fit. Hmmm, so apparently I really had been thinking about him a lot. He smiled when he saw me. I smiled back, and started to undress, watching him the whole time. He was just about to pull down his boxers when Scarlett ran in. She was apparently planning on sleeping with Davey too. Fucking stupid dog. Davey crouched down, stroking her head.

"Aww Scarlett honey, I'm sorry, but you're gonna be out in the kitchen tonight."

I don't really believe that people can talk to animals and crazy shit like that, but I swear she looked at him like she understood, and then glared at me like it was all my fault. Which I guess maybe it was. Scarlett trotted off and Davey closed the door, flicking off the lights too. Disappointed at not getting to see him totally naked, I finished undressing and climbed in to bed as Davey did the same. As soon as I felt his body next to mine, I knew that I'd made the right decision. Kissing him again, with renewed energy and enthusiasm, and just plain old lust. His arms around me, he pulled me against his body so that I was almost on top of him. Feeling him hold me so completely, I was immensely turned on, and I could feel that he was too. But somehow, weirdly, that wasn't the most important thing. I lay my head on his massive hard and hairy (perhaps furry or fuzzy is a better description) chest, and closed my eyes. I felt safe. It was amazing, and intoxicating, and exhausting all at the same time. I knew then that we weren't going to be fucking, which was both unusual and a slight relief. I’d never slept with a guy before and not had sex. But also, it really didn't feel like he was desperate for me to be fucking him, which made me kinda nervous. I've always been a top. Apart from in prison, which if normal rules applied would just be called rape, no-one has ever fucked me. And Davey, well, he's not a small guy. It was a scary prospect. As these thoughts filled my mind, I was also aware of feeling that it really wasn't going to matter that much, things would be OK, and I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up on Saturday , having had the best nights sleep I can remember, with a smile on my face and a hard-on that just wouldn't quit. But Davey was nowhere to be seen. I pulled on my jeans and went to find him. When I got to the kitchen there was a note stuck on the coffee machine.

'Out with Scarlett, help yourself to coffee and breakfast, back by 11.'

Checking the time, it was 10.45. Wow, I never sleep in so late. Coffee seemed like a good idea, but who the fuck owns a coffee machine that's this complicated? I pressed a couple of buttons that looked like they might be hinting at releasing coffee, but nothing seemed to happen. The third attempt resulted in a scary sounding noise like it was about to explode or something, so I turned it off and made tea instead. The kettle was a whole lot simpler. Sitting at the kitchen table, my thoughts were all over the place. I like it here - I mean it's a really great apartment, but I liked being here too, with Davey. I started to daydream about how things might work out but didn't get very far as there was a loud banging at the door. I guessed it was Davey getting back, so went and opened the door, pushing my jeans down a little to expose my smooth body more. I know, it's kind if slutty isn't it, but there you go.

Of course it wasn't Davey. It was Kati. We stood in silence for a few seconds. I was kinda embarrassed, not least because the only other time I've met this woman was last night when I made a complete fucking idiot of myself. Bollocks. And now she was here, expecting Davey, but getting me instead. For her part, she was looking me over with eyes like lasers, I swear she was trying to burn me a new tattoo or something as she scanned over my exposed chest and abs, noticing the scars as well as the ink, she was mega intense.

"Hey Kati." I broke the dense silence between us.

"Hello Cal, I wasn't expecting you to still be around."

Not the warmest of greetings I thought.

"Davey's out with Scarlett, but he should be back any minute."

"OK, well give me a hand with these then, you may as well do something to help.

She stepped to the side, pointing at three crates of champagne on a trolley. I looked at her, confused.

"They're for the party, tonight, you know?"

She obviously expected me to know what it was she was talking about.

"Oh, right, sure."

I picked up a box and carried it in to the kitchen. Kati followed me, carrying nothing.

"You do know about the party, right? I mean, presumably you haven't just arrived here this morning dressed like that so you'll be coming?"

I walked back to the doorway and picked up the second box.

"I haven't got a fucking clue what you're talking about Kati, and not that it's any of your business, but no, I didn't just arrive this morning dressed like this. Obviously."

I stacked the box on top of the first and headed back for the last one.

"Oh. I just thought Davey would have said."

She sounded just the tiniest bit apologetic. If you listened really fucking hard.

"No, didn't mention it."

I stacked the last box.

"OK, well presumably you'll turn up anyway, you seem good at that. We're having a party for Davey's birthday, here, tonight."

"Oh, when's his birthday?"

Kati rolled her eyes at me.

"It was yesterday.

She was shaking her head a little.

"Oh fuck, is that what you guys were doing at the bar?"

It was stupid question, of course that's why they were there.

"Yes, it was. And then you turned up, which was surprising. But I guess Davey got a birthday present from you anyway?"

She was clearly amused by her insinuation.

"Fuck you!"

It seemed like the only appropriate reply.

"Wow, you really are a sensitive little boy aren't you?"

"I don't like people making assumptions about me."

I was mad at her, but knew I had to try and restrain myself so I let the 'little boy' comment go.

"And I don't like little kids trying to take advantage of Davey, not after what he's been through, so either you’re serious about this, in which case, make a fucking effort and don't even think about hurting him, or you’re not and you should just fuck off now."

It's fair to say I was surprised by her blunt approach. I felt my fragile hold on this fantasy future life slipping away second by second, my eyes moistening at the thought. What's happening to me? I've cried more in the last seven days than I have in the last ten years.

"OK, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was Davey's birthday. And I don't know what's going on between us, if anything. Maybe you should ask him because I haven't got a fucking clue. I know that I like being with him, and that my world seems like a better place when he's in it. Am I serious about it? I don't even understand what it is I'm supposed to be serious about. I've never felt like this before, about anyone, or anything, and you're attitude isn't fucking helping. Maybe you should just ask Davey, because I really have no fucking idea what's going on."

I walked back in to the bedroom, just wanting to be out of that conversation for a few minutes. As I was searching for my t-shirt, I heard Davey returning. I sat on the edge of the bed, listening to him and Kati talk as I put my trainers on.

"Hey Kati, when did you get here?"

Davey was obviously a little surprised to find here in the kitchen.

"Just a few minutes ago."

"And where's Cal?"

"How should I know? He just walked off in a huff."

"What? Why? What did you say to him Kati?"

"Me? I didn't say anything, he carried the boxes in for me, and we were talking, and then he walked off."

"Oh really?" Davey's tone was clearly sarcastic. "So you weren't giving him a hard time then?"

"OK, well maybe just a bit. But really Davey, I mean, who is he?"

"He's a great guy Kati, and I like him, so be nice."

"But you don't know anything about him. Have you seen all of those scars? Well of course you have. But you don't get those from working in sales do you?"

"Have you been perving over my boyfriend Kati?"

"Your boyfriend!?" Kati's surprise was evident, matched only by my own.

"OK, so maybe not my boyfriend, not yet at least. But yes, I have seen the scars, and the very fit body they are on too. And yes, I DO know where they came from, no, it's not from working in sales, and no, it's none of your business."

I felt kind of proud, Davey was defending me.

"But Davey..."

"No Kati. I mean it. I know what I'm doing and I know that you all just look out for me, and that's great, but this is different. He's different."

My attention was temporarily taken by Scarlett, who had apparently come in to the bedroom without me noticing. She jumped up and sat next to me on the bed, looking at me. I looked at her. She sat down on the bed, resting her head on my thigh. Great, the crazy fucking killer dog beast now wants to be friends. Very carefully, I stroked her head as I had seen Davey do. I still had my hand intact, and Scarlett seemed to be happy, or at least, not killing me, which was good enough. I returned to listening in to Davey and Kati.

"...don't stress about it Kati. I don't even know if he likes me like that."

"What do you mean? He was in your apartment half dressed this morning, of course he likes you!"

"It's not like that Kati. He spent the night, that's all.

"You mean...you haven't....you didn't...?"

"No, nothing happened. Well, not nothing, but nothing that you're imagining!"

"Oh." Kati seemed shocked. "Maybe I was a little harsh on him earlier then."

"Well you need to make it better then, because he's staying, if he wants to. Maybe for a long time. Maybe forever."

"Oh my god Davey - are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious. I've got no idea where it's going, but I could very easily be in love with him. He's totally adorable, and if you stop being such a bitch for a moment, you'd see that he makes me happy." Davey's tone was warm and gentle, but firm.

"Wow. The ‘H’ word. It really is serious."

Gently mocking, Kati seemed to take Davey at his word.

"Assuming that you haven't already scared him off that is."

I could hear Davey walking across the hallway, towards the bedroom. I turned my attention back to Scarlett. I'd almost forgotten that the killing machine was resting on my thigh, seemingly content. Davey walked in.

"Scarlett, leave the boy alone, you're just being mean doing that to him." Again, Scarlett seemed to understand, slowly getting up and trotting off.

"Thanks Davey, but it's OK really."

Do I tell him that I've overheard his entire conversation with Kati? That I know he might be in love with me? Fuck. I don't even know what that means. Thankfully, Davey doesn't mention it.

"So I guess you've heard about the party? You're going to be here, right?" It was phrased as a question, but Davey was clearly expecting me to be around.

"Yeah, Kati filled me in. I'll be here for sure." Even though a good proportion of me was dreading the idea of meeting yet more of his friends, that hadn't exactly gone well so far.

"Great." When he smiled at me, I melted a little bit inside.

"But I need to get some stuff sorted this afternoon Davey. I need to go home for a bit, and then I'll be back later. What time does it start?"

"I think we said from 7.00pm, but just come back whenever you're ready."

"Nice, I will." I walked into the hallway with Davey. Kati was stood in the kitchen doorway. Davey very cleverly left the two of us there as he walked in to the lounge.

"So Cal... about earlier..." Kati spoke first.

"Hey, don't worry about it. I'll be back later." And off I went.

I got home and closed the door, leaning back against it as I scanned around my bedsit. The whole place would fit in Davey's lounge. I had some serious thinking to do, and as with all serious things, a joint was going to help. Just one though. OK, maybe two. An hour later, I'm laying on my bed, pleasantly buzzed, but no closer to knowing what to do. I liked Davey. I really liked him. That was the first problem to solve. I've never really actually felt things about people before. Ok, so not like 'ever', but not for many years. Actually no, maybe never, at least not like this. My emotions were going crazy and just doing their own thing, no matter how hard I tried to keep them in check. Even now, I knew that I missed being with him. But how could it possibly work out? I hardly know him. And seriously, I mean really, look at me, I'm like a million miles away from anyone in his world, why on earth did I think that I could be happy with someone like him?

But that is what I was thinking. I could be happy. Be safe. Be loved. Oh god, I really wanted that. The door to that place at the back of my mind where I very carefully shut away those kind of thoughts was suddenly seeming not so secure. In fact someone, or some-thing had been in there and left the door ajar, allowing these fucking ideas to escape. So I had to make a choice. Probably many, but just one at a time. Walk away, and carry on as before. Or do something different. That might sound like a stupidly easy choice, but it's not. Thankfully, there's a significant part of me that has always been a cocky, probably stupid, self assured bastard, and it was ultimately that part which won out. Of course, that's also the part of me that got me beat up in the first place. I was going to do it. Who knows how, or why, or even if it's actually possible, but I'm going to do something different. Not that there was a real plan. Davey and I hadn’t even got close to talking about this, but I’d overheard him talking with Kati, so it seemed at least possible. How fucking stupid though, I’m about to take a huge gamble based on something I overheard. Yeah, that sounds like exactly the kind of thing I would do. So I picked up an old letter and a pen and started making a list on the back. I'm going to spend the afternoon cashing out.

Everyone who owed me anything, was gonna get a visit. And then everyone who I owed anything to. I wanted to stop my life as I knew it, without there being any 'unfinished business' to come back and bite me later on. At least as far as was possible. Then I was going to sell whatever I could. Not that I had much, you don’t exactly get a lot of help collecting your belongings together when you get arrested so most of what I used to own was still in London. Not that there was much of that. After all, I've also got a present to buy, and I'll need some half decent clothes if I'm going to look respectable. No, respectable isn’t good enough, I want to look fucking amazing.

For the next couple of hours, that's what I did. Settled scores. By the end of it, I had several hundred quid and three hours left before the party. Next problem - a present. What the fuck am I supposed to buy Davey for his Birthday? I realised that I don't really know the first thing about him. I don't even know his last name, never mind what his job is, or what he likes and doesn't like. Bollocks. Again. I decided that I needed to sort the present thing out first, and then I could spend whatever I had left on myself, so I hit the shopping centre.

Too many choices! Clothes - a bit weird, I hardly know him. Music - no idea what-so-ever what he's into. Books - fucking hell, I've never been in a bookshop, I don't think so. Stupid shitty gift - well there's plenty of options, but not the right tone. I want to be taken seriously. I want him to know that I care. Oh wow, so I really do care about someone else. It’s just revelation after revelation. Something for his apartment - no way, what am I, his Mum? Aaaaaargh! By this time, I was just wandering around, hoping that some kind of magic would happen and the perfect present would just appear. Temporarily I gave up on the gift and went to buy myself some new clothes. This was much easier. Some new shirts, smart enough to be smart, but still fashionable. Jeans, trousers, shoes, socks, t-shirts. Mostly cheap but OK stuff, and a few much nicer items. In the last shop I got changed into some of my new stuff. I didn't have time to iron anything, and also, I didn't own an iron, so wearing them for an hour or two would hopefully help make them look a bit less 'just out of the shop' new. Dark blue jeans, deep maroon all over pattern long sleeve shirt, open at the collar and then another couple of buttons too, and shiny black shoes. I also picked up a new bar for my eyebrow piercing with diamond like crystals on each end. A quick check in the fitting room mirror, yeah, I looked fucking good.

This obviously didn't solve the matter of what to buy Davey. I was stood at the window of a jewellery shop, looking at watches which I though looked good, but for me, not for Davey. My eyes flicked over the displays, and I noticed a small tray of necklaces. Apparently they were hand-made, no prices. But there was one that caught my attention, an ankh. Davey had a large screen print with the same design in his living room, so that seemed like good enough evidence that the might like it. I walked in to the shop and a very polite woman appeared in front of me.

"Is there anything I can help you with today sir?"

Wow. Usually people talk to me with that tone of 'I don't know what you think you are doing in this store', but she was proper nice. I asked her if I could see the necklace in the window. When she returned, I could see straight away that this was really nice stuff. It was heavier than I expected, and the lady was telling me how it was all hand made solid silver, which was then coated in platinum. Fucking hell, that sounded expensive. But it was really nice. It came on a chain the same colour, but that didn't seem like it was something that Davey would wear. The lady came back with several different options, and in the end I thought that it looked best with just plain black leather lace.

"Is it a gift?" she asked.

"Yes, a birthday present."

"For someone special?"

"Erm...well, yeah, I errrr, I guess so." I was a bit off balance by her question.

"Well I think that he’ll love it, he's lucky to have someone buy him something as nice as this."

Fuck - how much was it going to be?

"About that, just how 'nice' is it?" I had to ask.

"Well, the ankh on it's own will be... ", she checks some labels on the back of the tray, "£249”.

"Fucking hell."

My mouth not waiting for my brain to censor my thoughts.

"We do have some smaller..."

"No, sorry, it's fine. Just didn't realise is all." I might look like I belonged in the shop, but I guess that my behaviour had betrayed me.

"Very good sir. Would you like it gift wrapped?"

"Yes please."

I fucking hope the wrapping is free. She threaded the ankh onto the leather and arranged it in the box.

"And are you paying by card?"

I nearly laughed. I haven't even got a bank account, never mind a card!

"No, cash."

She didn't manage to withhold her look of surprise as I counted out the money.

Back at my bedsit, Freshly showered, hair perfect, I even shaved my balls because it makes me feel good, I'm sat on my bed. Next to me is possibly the most expensive tiny little box I've ever legitimately owned, very nicely gift wrapped. And then there’s a holdall with literally everything else I own in it. The place is now as empty as the day I arrived. I've been sat here for two hours. It's already nearly 8.00pm, the party will have started, and I'm not there. The only thing stopping me? Fear. Another relatively new emotion. I finally pull it together enough, not that my stomach wasn’t churning and a cold sweat forming all over my body. Standing up, the present goes in my jeans pocket, and bag on my shoulder, and out I go. Leaving the key in to door, I know that whatever happens next, I won't be coming back here. This needs to fucking work.