Bernard: Diary of a 46-yr-old Bellhop - 10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Serenity

Things remained sated for a while and peaceful between the couple. The two were enjoying a relaxing weekend at home.

Bernard reached for his drink and took a large sip. “Ahh, that hits the spot. It’s hot out today.”

Jack nodded in agreement. “Sure is. Course, try standing over this damn grill! Now this is hot!”

“Need any help?”

Jack had a fleeting flashback of the grease fire incident and shuddered.

“No, thanks. I’ve got it. The chicken is almost ready.”

Bernard nodded. “I guess you don’t trust me around fire much anymore, huh?”

Jack frowned and looked back at the man.

“What makes you say that? We’ve gotten past all that. I know it was an accident. Your cooking has improved quite a lot since that. What was that, two months ago?”

“I know. I just still feel really bad that it happened. I wonder, you told me once that Randy liked to cook a lot. Did he ever do what I did?”

Jack cocked his head in thought and shut the lid on the grill.

“Can’t say as he ever did. He was a great chef; loved to cook and experiment with new dishes all the time. I think he burned things, but nothing like what happened here. He was more of a gourmet chef; could make everything almost perfectly.”

Bernard scooted down in his chair and took another sip of lemonade. “Wow, no competition there. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”

Jack turned, sat down and reached for his lover’s chubby hand. “Bernard, don’t compare yourself with the dead or to anyone else. You are you. Be happy with that.”

“Even if I’m a royal clutz and screwup?”

Jack rolled his eyes and raked his fingers through his short hair. “Hon, if you try to compete with others, you’ll always lose. Always. You’re not being who you truly are and that’s just one huge lie.”

Bernard bowed his head a bit. “I know. I just wish I were more perfect. What was Randy like? Really?”

Jack sat back and let out a breath. “To be honest, he was incredible. He was in great shape and fit and young. He was outgoing and adventurous. We’d always be outdoors. He was a terrific young man.”

Bernard nodded slowly. “But what was his personality? What was he like in other ways? From everything you’ve said about him it sounds like he was 100 times better at everything than I am.” He whimpered.

“Now you listen here,” Jack commanded. “Randy was a terrific guy - kind, loving, attentive, hot, sexy, and damn good at his job. But, he also had a few other traits such as a quick temper and being a procrastinator.”

“So he wasn’t absolutely perfect?”

“No! Not in the slightest! None of us are perfect. We just go with the personality and traits that God gave us.”

Bernard shrugged. “I guess. I just wish I were more like him.”

Jack kissed him gently. “I fell in love with you, not some idealized or mimicked version of anyone else. I love the genuine Bernard Covington.”

The older man smiled a toothy grin. “I love you too, Jack.”

The two continued cooking and enjoyed the June afternoon. Jack walked over and handed Bernard his order of a grilled chicken sandwich. Bernard bit into it and smiled.

“Mmm, very good. I think I like this healthy junk a lot better than the half-pound burgers I used to wolf down all the time.”

Jack grinned. “They’re a lot better for you, for sure. You’ve lost so much weight. I hardly recognize you from when we first met.”

Bernard nodded. “Yeah. That was some night.” He paused and glanced down at his long-since healed wrists. The scarring was still visible from the stitches all those months ago. He tried to push it from his mind and took another bite of his sandwich.

“Bernard? You alright?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m fine, just thinkin’ about that night. It still gets me from time to time. I think about what caused it and how I actually drove myself to doing what I did. Dr. Rasmus was a tremendous aid to me in getting me to admit my issues and get them out in the open. I feel so much better than I did just nine months ago.”

Jack whistled. “Damn, has it been that long already?”

Bernard shot him a look. “It feels like a long time to you? Did time go that slowly with Randy?”

Jack saw a glint of hurt in his lover’s eyes and set his sandwich down to take his hand. “Hey…please don’t do that. Bernard, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Nine months is a long time, especially if you ask a pregnant woman. I think of every moment with you as flying by. We’ve come so far in such a brief span of our lives. Especially you.”

Bernard kissed Jack’s hand and held on tight. “I was hoping you’d say something like that. You always know just what to say.”