Bernard: Diary of a 46-yr-old Bellhop - 13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Consequences

On the other side of town, Bernard was at his mother’s house, sobbing into her shoulder. She smoothed his back and tried to calm him, but had no success.

“Baby, you listen to mama. You deserve better than someone yellin’ at you. I don’t give a damn how rich or handsome he is, no one talks to my boy like that!”

Bernard pulled up his wet face and sniffed. “You’re right, mama. I just wish I could believe I am worth it. Jack is the best thing—”

“Now you listen to me, Bernard.” She added sternly. “He acted all sweet and nice and got you to move in with him. If he can’t get over his past and move on with you, then I’d say dump him! Move back in with me or get a new place. Hell, even Brenda wants you to live with her, help her with the baby.”

“What? Brenda wants me to live with her?”

Molly grinned. “She sure does.” She ran her fingers through her son’s thick, gray hair and wiped off his face.

“Careful with those claws of yours, Mom.” He mused. “You can poke an eye out with those things.”

“Oh hush now, silly boy. Come on, sit up. Time to clean you up a bit.”

Bernard sat back and used up a wad of tissues to clear his face. “I’m really glad you were home tonight. I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

“I’m glad I was too, baby. My son needs me, I’m here.”

“I’m glad.” He let out a sigh. “I wonder what he’s doing right now.”

Molly scurried over with a glass of water. “Don’t you give him a second thought! He needs to cool off before I’ll let him talk to my boy again.”

“Mom, I’ve gotta go home sometime.”

“If you go home, I want you to pack up your things and get out of there.”

“But—”

“No! You’ve had too much pain in your life, baby. It’s time for the cycle to stop! I want you to be happy!”

Bernard lowered his head. “I was. I was the one who screwed everything up. It was me, Mama. It wasn’t his fault!”

Molly looked sideways at him. “I’m not buying that for a damn minute. No one is a saint.”

“No, he isn’t one either. We both lied to each other tonight. That’s when things got really bad.”

“What did you lie about?”

“Oh, I’d gone to see my boss and talked about maybe moving up in the world a bit. He pretty much laughed at me. I told Jack that the meeting had gone well. I didn’t want to make him think I’m totally worthless in someone else’s eyes.”

Molly cupped the man’s chin. “Now you listen to me, young man. You’re my boy and you’re a good man! I know you have potential in ya to do great things! You just gotta believe it yourself!”

Bernard sniffed again and looked up into his mother’s face.

“I wish I could, Mama. Jack used to believe in me.”

“You can, honey. I know it. Hey, didn’t you say he lied too? What was his problem?”

“Oh. It was about the night of the 4^th. He’d mentioned the name of his dead lover, but denied it.”

“Stuck on ‘im?”

“Big time.”

“You can’t fight a ghost, baby. That’s his issue.”

“I know, but I thought with enough love—”

“You have given him all you got! If it ain’t good enough, then pack your things and get the hell outta there.”

Back across town, Jack sat at the bar, eyeing his beer. It looked very inviting; light amber in color, with a lovely white froth on the top. The glass itself was frosted and had trails of condensation running down the sides. He’d stared at it for several minutes when the bartender walked up.

“Something wrong with your beer, buddy?”

Jack looked up at the man. “Oh, no. It’s fine, thank you. Just thinking about things in my life.”

“Well, you know what they say about bartenders-we’re unofficial shrinks. Need an ear, just call me over. Name’s Bryan.” He held out his hand to shake. Jack looked it over. It was a chubby hand just like Bernard’s. Even his body and hair were the same, but most especially the eyes. Jack finally shook the man’s hand.

“Thanks, Bryan. I’ll remember that.” He returned to staring at his beverage. The condensation trails reminded him of Bernard’s face covered in tears. Tears that he’d caused to be there.

Jack shut his eyes and ran his thumb over the watery marks so they’d disappear, which they didn’t. It left behind a larger trail. He cursed under his breath and picked up a couple of cocktail napkins. He wiped off the surface of the glass and threw the spent napkins onto the bar.

There, maybe I can think now without seeing his face everywhere. But there was a face. It was the handsome spectre of Randy that appeared next. He could picture him as if he were right there. The gorgeous face and hair, and the sparkling eyes. Then the image turned. The handsome man had tubes coming out of him, and there was the sound of a heart monitor. It had flatlined. Jack strained to keep his eyes shut. He could hear the overwhelming sound of the monitor’s incessant monotone. Randy was dead. He never had a chance.

Jack opened his eyes and looked down at the beer. The face was gone. All he saw was the white froth on top. He picked it up, cradled it into his hand like a pro, and drank it down. The taste was pure paradise! He licked his lips to savor the barley and hopps mixed in with the drink. Jack raised his arm to get Bryan’s attention.

“Ah, I see you finally drank it. Can I get you another?”

Jack smiled to himself. “Yes, but a shot this time. I need something a bit stronger.”

“Sure thing. Jack Daniels or Jim Beam?”

Jack thought it over for a moment. “Ah, Jack Daniels. It’s fitting since my name is Jack.”

Bryan smiled. “Then it’s your drink.” He poured out a shot and set it in front of the aggrieved patron.

“Thank you. Keep ‘em coming. I’ve had a bitch of a day.”

“Whatever you say, buddy.”

By the time he arrived back home at 1 a.m., Jack found only a note along with some of his lover’s items missing.

Dear Jack,

I’ve gone to stay with my sister for a little while until things calm down with us. I love you so much, but I can’t stand to see us fighting like this. I want to be there for you but I don’t think you want me around anymore! I know I lied and I’m sorry, but you did too! We have to take a break from each other for a little while. I’ll be around for as long as you want me to be; I’ll just be over at Brenda’s. Please call me if you need me!

Love you forever,

Bernard

Jack crumpled the note in his hand and wept into it. He pitched it across the room and sank to the floor.

“Way to go, Larson. You’ve scared off the love of your life because you can’t get over the ghost of Randy! I’ve gotta call ‘im…” Jack stumbled towards the phone and dialed Bernard’s cell phone.

“Mpf…hello? Jack?”

“It’s me, baby!”

“Jack, it’s the middle of the night! Where have you been?”

“Just out having a cry in my beer, and then my shots, and when I got home I got your note! Please don’t do this to me, Bern, please?”

Bernard sat up in bed and tried to remain composed, but failed. “You went out drinking? Aren’t you a recovering alcoholic?”

“Baby…”

“No! I won’t put up with an alcoholic! Look, we’ve had our disagreements of late and I think you’ve got a lot to work out. I’m doing much better. It’s you that needs the help now.”

Jack scoffed. “That’s rich, you giving me advice on mental health! You fucking hypocrite! When we met you’d tried to chop your hands off with a knife and take your life! I think I’m just a little more stable than you are! You prick! I helped you when you were down now you can’t help me? Why the hell not?”

Bernard shut his eyes. “I wanna help you more than anything but you don’t want me! You want Randy! I can’t compete with his memory anymore! Listen, I’m coming over tomorrow to get some of my stuff. Not all of it, but just what I need.”

There was a long silence and Bernard held back tears as he heard Jack sob. “Don’t you want me anymore or am I getting too much for you to handle?” Jack balked.

“Of course I want you! I’ll always want you! But you need to exorcise this damn demon of yours named Randy! As long as I’m there you’ll never truly face it! Dr. Rasmus taught me all of this stuff, and I agree with him! Besides, are you kidding me? You compare me to a dead guy! Everything he did was way better than how I do things and I’m sick to death of the comparisons! You were a huge help to me, Jack. I’ll always love you!”

“I’ll quit drinking again, honest! Just don’t leave me!”

“I’m not leaving you, not permanently! Trust me, I wanna believe you, I do…I can’t deal with this right now!”

“I thought Rasmus had you cured. Guess you’re a hopeless case!”

Bernard bristled. “Don’t drag him into this. He’s far from the problem! You’ve become the issue!”

There was a long pause. Bernard could hear Jack throwing things in the background. Finally, he returned to the phone. “Fine. Be it as you wish.” Click.

Bernard dropped his cell phone and turned on his side and bawled. After a while, he calmed enough to write in his journal.

July 15^th, omg it’s over!

Jack and I have such huge issues right now, I moved out! I love him so much, but I cannot deal with this sick comparison of me and Randy anymore! He started drinking again too and I’m so scared to be around him! I love him so much and I don’t wanna leave him, but this is too much! I know he was there for me after my suicide, but he was part of the healing, not the actual cause. I’m his man now, or I was I guess…I want him back, but only if we can work it out. I cannot deal with this right now…it’s 2 a.m. Gotta go to work tomorrow. Brenda didn’t hear my phone I hope…she’s got enough going. I’m gonna try to sleep now.