Coming of Age - 8. Moving On

The Fleetwood was missing. Gary and Dick were gone, and good riddance!

In fact, fuck them! Craig and I have somehow survived the disgusting things that happened to us, and now we're picking up the pieces and doing our best to heal.

For the better part of the day, we alternated sleeping, crying, talking, and holding each other. It was the shittiest day of our lives, but we were so grateful we went through it together.

As evening came, we got up and threw our dirty underwear into the laundry bag. We put on our bathrobes and sandals, grabbed our towels, and headed to the camp shower house.

In adjacent stalls, we stood under the hottest water we could stand. I heard Craig blubbering a couple of times, and my eyes filled with tears for him and me. The knowledge that so much happened to him while I was passed out and unaware made me feel useless and powerless to protect him.

What’s gonna happen when we’re three thousand miles apart? Shit! I can’t think about that right now.

We stayed until the hot water ran out. Bare-assed and dripping all over the locker room, we hugged and kissed with animal hunger, both of us wanting to restore the love and intimacy that had been ours alone, only the day before.

Nobody else took showers in the evening, so we didn’t have to worry about someone walking in and finding two soaking-wet naked men kissing.

We toweled off, put on our robes and sandals, and hurried back to the Airstream. We were hungry, but we didn’t have the heart to go outside and set up the grill to cook anything, so we had bowls of cold cereal and milk for dinner.

We sat at the tiny pull-down dining table and didn’t say much. I guess we were all talked out, and the pain of remembering all that happened the night before was more than we could bear.

At least that’s how I saw it. When we finished our meager meal, Craig reached over and took my hand. There were tears in his eyes again.

“What is it?” I placed my hand on top of his.

He hung his head. “Bruce, I’m so fuckin sorry—” He choked on whatever he was trying to say.

“Shh. Come here, love.” I pulled him to his feet and led him to our bed. We were wearing only our bathrobes, so I stripped his off and dropped mine on the floor.

“This is when we start over,” I announced as we stood naked, facing each other.

It was as though we were reclaiming our innocence. I thought back to the first time I had seen Craig nude and how my heart had skipped a beat at the raw masculine beauty of his body.

He looked at me in puzzlement. I placed my hand on his cheek gently and explained.

“You and I had a great sex life, and we’re gonna have it again, but we’re going to take it slow and build it back up to the way we want it to be, not the way some shitbag old faggot wants it.”

I pulled my lover close and we kissed, standing at the foot of the bed. Then we climbed in on top of the covers and lay there side by side. We were both hard.

“Remember how we used to jack off together?” I reminded him with a warm smile.

“Hell, yes. It fuckin drove me crazy every time we did it because I wanted to roll over and kiss you and suck your dick.”

“Go ahead!” I grinned for all I was worth.

Craig turned toward me, rose on one elbow, took my cock in one hand, and began stroking it. He brought his lips to mine and pressed his tongue into my mouth. I matched his kisses with my own, a sign of contentment slipping out.

After a little while, he pulled back and kissed my forehead. He moved to my ear, nibbled my earlobe, and stuck his tongue deep inside. I arched my neck in pleasure and moaned in encouragement.

He laid a trail of kisses down the side of my neck to my shoulder and collarbone. He hovered over me and took one nipple between his lips, teasing it with his tongue. He lifted my arm and nuzzled into the pit, licking and kissing the black hairs, which still smelled of the soap we had used in the shower.

Kissing his way down my chest, Craig continued to stroke my hard-on. He teased my belly button and nibbled his way down the trail of soft tufts leading to my crotch. His light touch threatened to undo me.

He used his nose to push my cock aside and then buried it in my bush. He sucked one of my balls into his mouth and then did the same with the other one. He tortured me by inching his tongue up from the base of my cock until he reached the head.

Holding my shaft in his hand, he licked the slit and ran his tongue around the head. My heart was pounding with love and desire, and my heartbeat pulsed in my shaft.

He wet his lips and surrounded the tip of my cock with them. Inch by inch, he went down on me, driving me crazy with pleasure and desire, the same as he had done the first time he blew me. My balls twitched as he buried his nose in my pubes. I hissed in relief and he moved up and down.

My cock responded as it did the first time we made love. I threw my head back on the pillow and groaned with pleasure. Realizing we were alone in the camper, I didn’t hold back and begged loudly, “Suck my cock, Craig. SUCK IT DRY!”

Eager to meet my need, my lover picked up speed and squeezed with his tongue up and down the whole length of my manhood.

It was too much for me. The sheer joy of sex with this wonderful man forced all memories of Gary and his abuse right out of my mind.

I began to lift my ass and fuck his face. He matched each of my motions, drawing my cock all the way into his throat each time I thrust upward. In no time, I reached my point of no return.

“I’m gonna come!”

Placing my hand on Craig’s head, I guided him down as I emptied my balls into his willing mouth.

Whether from bottled-up need or exultation at having my lover back, I shot load after load. With every spurt, my body shivered in ecstasy, and he was eager to swallow each of them.

When I stopped coming, Craig kept his lips tight around my now-softening penis, savoring every drop of my semen mixed with his saliva. At last, he pulled off, licked my cock from base to tip, and stretched out on top of me.

He gazed into my eyes and kissed me. As our tongues met again, I tasted my cum and realized I had given it once again to the man I loved. Even though it was foolish, I resolved, then and there, never to give it to anyone else. If only there was some way we could stay together forever.

Craig broke our kiss and buried his head in my pillow, next to my ear.

“I love you, Bruce,” he whispered.

I turned my head toward his. “I love you, too, Craig.”

His voice cracked, “I’m so s—”

I cut him off, “Don’t say it—ever again. We love each other, and that’s all that matters. Now fuck me, lover.”

Which he did, taking his time.

I lay flat on my back because I wanted to watch his face while we made love. I pulled my legs up and wrapped my elbows around my knees, offering him my ass to do with as he chose.

He bent down and started kissing my butt cheeks, then licking them. His tongue soon found my crack, and then my quivering hole. I groaned when he planted it inside as deep as it would go.

“Craig! Ahh—” were the only words I was able to form.

He didn’t speak. With a smooth motion, he replaced his tongue with his middle finger and began to rotate it. I pressed down, welcoming him in, inviting him to have all of me.

Adding two more fingers, he sought my prostate. When he made contact with it, I arched my back and yelled, “YESSSS!”

The sensation was so intense that I came another time, shooting my cum onto my belly. With his fingers still moving within me, Craig lapped up every drop of semen.

He smiled up at me as he licked his lips. My heart raced with passion as I assured him, “I do love you, and I always will.”

He nodded and returned his attention to my waiting pucker.

He spit on it twice and spread the lubrication around with the tip of his cock. Although we always used lube, this time was going to be all-natural—just our two bodies with nothing else involved.

For a second, I remembered how horrible it had been fucking him with the condom Gary had made us wear. With a shudder, I banished the image of the motherfucker and all thought of last night.

Craig leaned forward, using his elbows to hold my knees in place. This freed my arms, so I hugged him and ran my hands over every part of his body within reach. I crossed my ankles over his back and pulled him deep inside me.

His thighs were pressed flat against my cheeks, and his hard cock was buried in my ass. I squeezed my hole and gripped him so tight he couldn’t move.

“Bruce? Are you all right?”

At first, I couldn’t form the words, but I managed a squeak, “Y-yeah.”

Clearing my throat, I told him, “I want you, Craig. I want you in me. I want you with me. If I died in this position, it would make my whole fuckin life worthwhile. I love you so much.”

He locked eyes with me. “I know what you mean. I...I love you, too.”

I relaxed my grip, and he began to ease his cock in and out again. I took a deep breath and allowed him to take charge and fuck me any way he liked.

I took what I desperately wanted and needed by surrendering to him. In return, Craig seized what he needed by owning my body and giving me his love in return.

Our roles were different, but our intentions were the same. Sex had become love, and love was the most overpowering emotion I had ever experienced.

As time passed, we moved to other positions. He turned me to my left side and raised my right leg straight up in the air, holding it in place with his shoulder. His new angle of penetration directed his ramming straight into my prostate.

I didn’t realize I could come so many times in a row, but more cum oozed out of me and puddled on the sheet.

Craig took absolute control more than at any time before in our love life. We didn’t speak, but we communicated with our bodies. When I silently asked for more, he responded with gusto. When he sensed I was tiring, he slowed the pace and depth of his thrusting.

Through it all, time stood still. We were the only people in the world, and our coupling was the only thing happening on earth.

Craig’s body quivered with ecstasy as he reached his climax and rammed deep into me with the force of his ejaculation. I was surprised and pleased that he didn’t pull out after he came. Instead, he rested with his manhood still inside me, kissing me and whispering loving words.

Soon, he got hard and began to fuck me again. After a while, he came another time, rested, and started fucking me again.

I love this! He can’t stop fucking me, and I can’t stop wanting him to do it. I hope this goes on all night!

At one point, he offered, “Do you wanna fuck me?”

“No. I just want what we’re doing to keep on and on.”

I have no idea how many times we each came that night, but it seemed like one unbroken session of loving and fucking. We had never done anything like this before, but I was determined we would repeat it often.

At some hour after midnight, we fell back onto our pillows and gazed up at the shiny aluminum ceiling above us.

I turned to Craig, “In the morning, let’s get the fuck out of this place.”

“Fuck that. Let’s get the hell out of this goddamn place fuckin right now.”

I knew he was right. If we spent even one more day in this shithole where we had been through the worst experience of our young lives, it would be too fucking long.

We got dressed, hooked the Airstream to the Jeep, and made our way out of the campground, making as little sound as possible so as not to disturb our neighbors. We had paid for two more days, but we didn’t care about the money.

As we drove off, it felt more and more like we were leaving our troubles behind.

“Where to?” I inquired.

Turning to me, Craig had an expression on his face that I understood at once.

“Heading home!” I announced with a loving smile.

*********

The trip back to Colorado was fast and uneventful. We drove 18 hours a day, took turns sleeping, and only stopped to eat and use the restroom. We slept in rest areas for a few hours each night, and we were back in Denver by mid-morning of the third day.

There was no sex—by the time we pulled over for the night, we were too exhausted to do anything except kiss each other good night.

When we got home, my parents asked a few questions about the trip, and I gave generic answers. For some reason, they seemed to understand and respect my privacy.

We’ve only been gone a month, but suddenly, Mom and Dad are treating me like an adult, an equal.

Craig and I both threw ourselves into our summer jobs—I was a lifeguard at the country club pool, and he worked in construction with his dad and brother Glenn, who was home on leave from the Marines.

For a while, he still slept over on Saturday nights and we tried to keep the flame alive, but the work and summer parties made it harder and harder to hold on to the passion and feeling of adventure we had enjoyed when our love was new.

And even as the horror of the night with Gary faded into memory, we both recognized that the damage had been done.

The night before we left for college, our love-making had a different feel—as if we were aware nothing would be the same from now on.

We had agreed it was OK to have sex with anybody we wanted as long as we kept in touch.

The hardest thing about it was that I was in California and Craig was three thousand miles away in Connecticut. Initially, we phoned each other at least once a week, to share some joke or event, and often to crow about a sexual conquest.

Gradually, our phone calls became less frequent. We were equally guilty—life was moving fast, and we were both in brave new worlds. The need to connect and share was fading, but I eagerly looked forward to the winter break and spending quality time with Craig in person. I knew he felt the same way. No matter what shit we got into in our separate lives, our life together was still the most important thing.

********

At first, my body ached for him, remembering the feeling of his cock inside me, and mine inside him. I masturbated to his yearbook picture and had wet dreams about sucking his dick.

We both expected college to be a place where sex was simple to find and came with no strings attached, which proved true.

But while one-night stands and furtive blowjobs in a restroom were easy to score, I found it impossible to fill the empty space in my life where my lover had been.

When I told Craig about this during one of our phone conversations, he admitted he had the same problem, but he seemed somehow insincere. I guess I was being naïve, but I wrote it off to the newness of college life, plus a touch of homesickness.

********

At the end of the first semester, we both came home for the January break, and we couldn’t wait to see each other.

Craig came over to my house for lunch on the Saturday after Christmas, and we high-tailed it up to my room as soon as it was polite since my mother and sister Natalie were eating with us.

As soon as the door to my room was shut and locked, we turned and kissed with all the pent-up passion of spending three months apart.

We almost ripped our clothes off, and we were naked in my bed in no time at all. We laughed and rolled around, stroking and sucking on each other’s cocks.

But something had changed. It didn’t take long to figure out that neither of us was getting hard.

After we fumbled for several minutes with no success, Craig pulled away and lay flat on his back, his long, soft uncut cock drooping between his legs.

I rose on my elbows and examined him with concern.

“What’s wrong?” I was confused and a bit fearful.

“I dunno,” Craig’s response was pathetic and evasive. He averted his eyes because I always knew when he was lying.

“What the fuck? Is something the matter?” My heart raced with an unknown fear.

Without warning, he became furious. Glaring at me, he exclaimed, “Like I said, I don’t fucking know!”

I jerked away from him, wide-eyed.

Give him time, and he’ll tell me what’s on his mind. Maybe the long separation is too much for him, and he wants to always be with me again.

I broke the silence and rolled to my side, facing him. “Craig, I can tell something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is if you won’t tell me.”

His eyes were fixed on the ceiling. “Well, I don’t fuckin know either.” He seems determined not to help me figure this out.

“I mean, I thought we would fuck our brains out, like we did before.”

“Me, too,” he stated with a noticeable lack of disappointment in his voice. He isn’t gonna make this easy.

“It’s OK if you don’t want to do it—we can just make out or jack off or whatever.”

He thought for a long time, staring at the ceiling. I was on the verge of panic when he turned to face me. “Bruce, we’ve changed. We’re not the same two dudes we were last summer.”

Bolting upright, I demanded, “What do you mean? How have we changed?” Fear and desperation threatened to overwhelm me, and I was terrified to hear his answer.

Shit! Why can’t everything be the way it was back in the spring and summer?

He answered matter-of-factly, “Well, for starters, we’ve had sex with other people—a lot of other people.”

A lot? Well, maybe he has. I’ve been too busy with classes and projects. I guess I’ve done it once a week or so.

I reminded him, “But we both agreed it was bound to happen, and we decided it would be all right. It was just physical—it didn’t—doesn’t—mean anything. Hell, we still love each other, and we knew we’d be back together now. I-Isn’t that true?”

I paused because the truth hit me like a brick. I couldn’t say another word, for fear of what was coming. Please. Don’t say it. Please, Craig.

He sighed and continued gazing upward, “There’s...a couple of things...I have to tell you, Bruce.”

My heart dropped into my stomach, and I felt like I was going to throw up. My eyes implored him not to say whatever he was about to tell me.

He took a deep breath. “I’ve kinda...uh, gotten involved...with somebody.”

I suddenly shivered with cold and stared back at him, unable to speak.

Since I didn’t respond, he continued, “So, I met this guy...we hit it off right away...and now we’re gonna be roommates when we go back for the spring semester.”

My worst fears were coming true. I was horrified, but I had to ask, “You mean, you’re in love with him?”

“Hell, I don’t know!” he exclaimed with disgust. “Love—what the fuck is it, anyway?”

I recoiled as if he’d slapped my face.

His cheeks reddened with what I could only hope was shame as he turned away and stared up at the ceiling again. “Goddammit, all I can say is, we have a lot of fun. The sex is mind-blowing...and we decided to try living together for the semester to see if there’s more to it.”

I swallowed hard and struggled to speak. “So let me get this straight. What you’re telling me is you don’t love me anymore, and you’re not sure if you love this new dude, but—” I choked back a sob, “you’re sure you don’t love me.”

He paled. “I, uh...shit! There’s more things I need to tell you.”

“Do I need to hear them?” Haven’t you hurt me enough for one day?

“I think you do, Bruce. At least, I need to say them.” He looked away, then back, like he was summoning all his courage.

“First of all, I’ve been having gay sex since I was fifteen—”

My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as my stomach heaved. “What the fuck?”

“I did it for the money.”

“Huh?” My brow wrinkled as the blood drained out of my face. Please don’t say any more, Craig. I need you to stop. Just fucking shut up!

“My brother Glenn told me about a corner in town where you stand, and men come by in cars and pick you up. They drive to some dark parking lot and pay you twenty dollars to let them give you a blowjob—more if you fuck ’em.”

My voice croaked, “Craig, no! That’s...illegal. They were using you, abusing you, for shit’s sake!”

There was a hard edge to his voice. “Legal or not, I fuckin did it. And I got to where I liked it. Besides, I needed the cash. Hell, my family doesn’t have the kind of money yours does. I had to have it to keep up with you.”

“But you said you loved me—” Don’t you dare fucking tell me that wasn’t true.

“Yeah, that’s the other thing. I said it, and I thought I meant it. Maybe I did mean it at the time—I don’t know. I’m so fuckin sorry, Bruce.”

“What do you mean you’re sorry? Sorry you said it, or sorry you loved me, or sorry you didn’t love me but you lied and said you did?”

He still wouldn’t look at me as he spoke, “When you told me you loved me, I knew you meant it, and I felt like a worthless piece of shit. I said it so you wouldn’t feel bad.”

“But you never meant it?”

“Goddammit, Bruce, I don’t fuckin know! I-I thought I did. Shit, maybe I don’t know how to love anybody. I just love sex. I’ve been doing it so long it’s automatic—get hard, get off, get lost.”

“And what about this new guy? You’re going to live with him, so you must love him or something.”

He shook his head. “It’s sex, not love. We’re good in bed together, and—” Craig shook his head before admitting, “he takes care of me. Financially.”

I felt like screaming, but I held back and tried to control my emotions. “Who the hell are you? I don’t fucking know you.”

“No, I guess you don’t. All the time while you hid who you were, I was doing something even worse. I was being somebody I didn’t want to be, but I didn’t have any fuckin choice.”

“Bullshit. You had a choice—me.”

He finally turned to me and tried to pull me into a hug, but I shoved him away, got up, and sat on the side of my bed.

He reached over and put a hand on my leg, “Bruce, listen...please. I’m sorry. I didn’t plan for this to happen. I didn’t see it coming. It just fuckin happened.”

He got up and sat close to me. Our legs were touching. At first, it felt good—familiar, but then the stark reality of everything he said crashed in on me like a fucking ton of bricks, and I abruptly moved a couple of inches away from him. This won’t get better by cuddling or some shit like that.

There were a thousand things I wanted to say to Craig. Half of them were ways to tell him to go to hell. The other half were about how much I loved him and needed him to love me back.

I forced myself to staunch the tears that flowed down my face and tried to salvage what little dignity I could. If this shit is going to happen, then I don’t want to cry like a fucking baby through the whole goddamn conversation.

I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, and turned to face the man I had given my heart and soul. “I hear what you’re saying,” I pronounced each word carefully, “and I understand what it means—for both of us. I even understand that you didn’t plan it. But, for shit’s sake, Craig, don’t try to tell me you didn’t see what was happening and couldn’t have stopped it if you wanted to.”

I regretted the accusation as soon as it left my lips.

He frowned but didn’t answer. Staring down at the floor, he shook his head repeatedly.

I got the point and spat out, “I think you’d better leave now.”

His head jerked up, and he hurried to reply, “Bruce, I’m so fuckin sorry. I fucked up. I wish it had never happened, but I can’t change it. I hope—”

“Don’t you dare goddamn say it!” I almost shouted. “Don’t you fucking say you hope we can still be friends!”

I burst into tears and jumped out of bed, struggling to put my clothes back on and fighting with a twisted pant leg.

In the silence, he dressed, and we turned to face each other. I fought for composure. “Craig, what we had was—well, I fucking thought it was love, but it’s obvious it didn’t mean anything to you.”

“No, you’re wrong, Bruce. We did have something. Whatever we call it, it was amazing while it lasted.”

“But?” I sneered at him.

“Fuck!” he griped. “Something happened. We were three thousand goddamn miles apart. We were both experiencing new things, meeting new people, living our own lives. Sure, we emailed, but it was never enough to—”

“To keep you from falling in love with someone else?”

“Shit. I told you—I don’t fucking know what love is. I don’t know what Phil—” he stopped when my head snapped up at the name of his new lover.

He continued, carefully choosing his words, “I don’t know what my new friend thinks it is, either, but we have to see where it goes.”

“But your brilliant plan doesn’t include me.” I sighed, “Well, I get it, Craig. I fucking get it, so please take your goddamn—” I choked on the words I wanted to say before settling on, “ass out of here. Now!”

Without a word, he looked around the room. I couldn’t tell if he was picturing all the great things that had happened to us in here, or was making sure he didn’t leave anything behind, so he wouldn’t have to come back and ask for it.

Then he walked over to the door, unlocked it, stepped out into the hall, and was gone. A few seconds later, I heard the front door close.

It was the sound of a part of my life ending forever.

Exhausted, I went into my bathroom and splashed cold water into my face. I peered in the mirror and tried to make myself believe I looked OK. I went back into the room and straightened the bed.

There was a soft knock on the half-open door. I whirled around, hoping against hope that Craig had come to his senses and returned to beg me to forgive him and take him back—both of which I would have done in a heartbeat.

It was Mom.

“May I come in, Dear?”

Stunned, I was speechless. She took a tentative step into the room.

“I’m sorry, Mom. Now is not a good time.”

I turned away from her and pretended to be arranging things on my desk. I didn’t want her to see me this way, and I sure as hell didn’t want to tell her my goddamn heart had just been broken.

“Bruce—” she began in her soft, comforting Mom-voice.

I couldn’t face her, so I stared out the window, seeing nothing.

“Bruce, I’m sorry about...whatever happened here today. Craig left without speaking to any of us, and he seemed very upset about something—”

“Ha!” I blurted with disgust. “He’s upset. That’s rich.” I choked on the words.

Mom crossed the room, putting her arms around me, hugging me from behind. She rested her head on the back of my neck, offering the comfort I desperately needed.

“Bruce, I’m so sorry to see this...situation...happen. I wish there were something I might say or do for you right now, but I understand that wouldn’t work.”

She let go of me. “In my heart, you’re still my little boy, but you’re all grown up now, and you live your own life, so I’m supposed to step back and give you space, but—”

I turned to face her with tears streaming down my cheeks.

The shock was too much. “Oh, Honey,” she burst into tears, “I’m so sorry. I love you. You know that.”

I tried to pull myself together. My mother’s tears were the one thing on earth I never had a defense against.

I cleared my throat and spoke in a quavering voice, “Mom. Thank you. I realize you only want to help. But I don’t fucking know what help I need or want.”

My mother had always chastised me when I let a curse word slip, but this time she didn’t even flinch.

Instead, she went over and sat down on my bed. With love in her eyes, she patted the spot next to her.

With an obedient sigh, I crossed the room and sat next to her. She put an arm across my shoulder.

“Bruce,” she began in a soothing tone, “I know you and Craig have, or perhaps I should say had a very...special...relationship.”

I jerked my head up in horror. Oh, no! Fuck! Does she know we’re gay and have been having sex with each other?

But she continued in her gentle way. “I’m sure it was important to both of you—when it was all happening.”

She sighed. “But you have gone to two different ends of the country for college, and you were bound to make new friends and even begin to forget what you had between you.”

She was talking like she knew that what we had between us was love and sex. I felt like I was going to throw up. How could she have figured it out? Where did we go wrong in keeping it a secret?

She continued, “I have no idea what happened today, but it appears your...friendship...has taken a turn.”

I choked back a sob, and she hugged me tighter.

“It’s going to be all right, Bruce. We all go through disappointments in life...and love. You will survive this. The important thing is that you allow it to become a part of you—the memories, the ups and downs, and the outcome. These experiences are what shape you for the rest of your life.”

She removed her arm, straightened, and faced me. “Bruce, you are who you are, and who you will be, and your father and I and Natalie love you. There is nothing you can say or do that will ever change our love.”

I tried to speak but only managed a feeble croak. Mom placed both hands on my shoulders.

“Your life will have its share of joy and sorrow, success and failure, love and loss. In other words, you are just like everyone else, in every way. So be true to yourself. Follow your dreams and don’t worry about what other people think you should be or do.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. You are a fine young man with so much to offer to anyone with the sense to see the real you. And you will find that person, so never stop believing and seeking true love.”

We sat in silence as I pondered her wisdom. Setting aside the horrifying realization that she must know I am gay and that Craig and I had been lovers, I was trying my best to take in the words of comfort she had offered.

After a long silence, I finally spoke, “Thanks, Mom. I, uh, I mean, I—oh, hell, just thank you!” I hung my head.

She smiled at me and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Now, I need to start thinking about dinner. Why don’t you take a shower and change your clothes?”

She stood and turned to face me. “You know, you still have a lot of love in your life—your father and me, Natalie.”

I looked at her like she was crazy when she mentioned my sister’s name.

She nodded. “Yes, she has been watching out for you your whole life, and she doesn’t want anything...or anyone...to take away your happiness any more than your father or I do.”

She put a hand on my shoulder. “You are a man now, and you’ll have to face life’s triumphs and disappointments with courage and wisdom. If you allow yourself to do so, you will find a treasure of both. I understand that your world seems in disarray right now, but it will get better. You can depend on that.”

As my mother turned and left my room, closing the door behind her, I sat on my bed, stunned.

She had all but told me she knew Craig and I were a couple of queers who had fucked in this very room, this very house. But she also assured me it was possible to be happy again, even though my first love was gone from my life forever.

I had no tears left, so I fell on my back staring at the ceiling.

Were Craig and I ever in love—true love? How the fuck could we even say what love is? Sure, we liked and wanted each other enough to risk everything by having sex. And those first experiences were mind-blowing.

We explored each other’s bodies and learned how to meet each other’s needs in countless ways. We said ‘I love you’ so many times, and at least I believed I meant it. But maybe what we had was lust, or sex, or desire, or just fun.

Hell, what the fuck were we supposed to call it?—we were a couple of horny kids fucking our brains out.

Then it hit me, like clouds parting and bright sunlight pouring in.

I do know what love is. It is family. The people who love you, no matter what you do or what you are. They love you, without conditions or demands. I have all the love in the world right here in this house, this family, and that’s all I need.

I got up from my bed and walked over to my window. It had started snowing. As I watched, the flakes covered the ground, replacing the brown grass and mud with a blanket of purest white.

I nodded in understanding and told myself out loud who and what I was.

“I am a gay man—a queer, a faggot, a cocksucker, a butt-fucker—everything I used to call such people. Craig and I grew up together and discovered gay sex, but now that chapter of my life is over.

“I am on the road toward my career as an engineer. I’m in college, where I have learned that casual, anonymous sex is an easy way to meet my physical needs without commitment or regrets.

“I don’t doubt I loved him, but our love had a beginning and now it has an end. He was my first love, and I hope and pray he will not be my last.

“Someday, I will love a man and he will love me back, but for now, I’ll take all the sex I can find and enjoy the hell out of it.

“And I have learned that my mother has protected me from countless threats, known and unknown. She kept a watchful eye over me, loving me even as I deviated from whatever path in life she may have wished for me. She has always been there for me, and always will be.

“Whether or not she knows or cares that I’m gay, whether she has any idea of the things Craig and I did with each other, she is my mother, the person who loves me no matter what I do.

“I turned a page in my life today. I will never forget my first love. But I will move on now to take everything this big, wide world has to offer—to enjoy its pleasures and endure its heartaches.

“This isn’t an ending; it’s a beginning. And I am fucking ready. Bring it on!”

********

After that day, Craig faded into my memories. When I jacked off, thoughts of him occasionally invaded my brain, and I wistfully remembered the good times. Sometimes I regretted it was over between us, but I never felt strongly enough about it to do anything to reach out to him.

As I returned to Stanford for my second semester, I dreaded coming back to the dorm room I shared with my disgusting roommate, Carl.

He was everything Craig was not, and he was the kind of person I had always avoided. I couldn’t pinpoint why, but a sense of unease pooled in my gut, casting a shadow over my return to school.

END OF BOOK ONE