I Am Fine - 1. I Am Fine

Coffee, I salivated as the dense rich aroma teased me from my half-consciousness. I surveyed the patrons of the small coffee shop: a mixed crowd of relaxed elderly, impatient suits and bored students. The line stumbled forward, a train of caffeine junkies waiting for their morning fix.

“A double shot of espresso, to go please,” I ordered, my voice rough with sleep.

The machines tinkered in the background as I tapped my feet against the parquet floor. As the girl behind the counter handed over my cup of sweet salvation, I thanked her. Fumbling with the coffee cup sleeve, I crossed the short distance between the counter and exit. Bells chimed and crisp fall air embraced me as the door swung open. Auburn hair and a pair of grey eyes greeted me when I looked up. My breath hitched. Goosebumps prickled against my skin as my stomach attempted to fold into itself.

Pain radiated from my palm, yanking me from my moment. I stepped aside to let him through the narrow entrance, his shoulders brushing against mine as he passed. He smiled. I threaded my cup through its sleeve and walked out, refusing his eyes.

“How was your weekend?” Kat asked, as she scraped her toothpick across the plates of agar.

“It was fine,” I replied, mimicking her actions with my own bacterial cultures.

“Of course,” she said, annoyance creeping up in her tone, “It was fine. It always is. You always are.”

She leaned closer, her brown curls tumbling into her face over the lab goggles. Even through the scratched plastic, I could see her warm hazel eyes widen in worry.

“You know, Brandon, it’s not fine, not anymore. It’s already been –“

The words died in her throat as I turned around to face her. I blinked.

“I am fine,” I simply said, my voice level and steady.

Turning back to my work, I saw her retreat to her workbench out of the corner of my eye. She returned to what she had been doing for the last few hours, casting furtive glances over her shoulder at me regularly. I continued working, unfazed.

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The toe-caps of leather boots peeked out from under a denim hem. Curious grey eyes pinned me under his gaze as I lifted my eyes to meet his. My chest tightened when he slid into the seat next to mine.

Fingers dug into my shoulder blade. Kat stared at the intruder, eyes wide in shock. I put my hand over hers and looked her in the eyes, my features still and unmoving, blank. I blinked.

Two booms echoed through the lecture hall as the professor tapped against the microphone. The rustling of papers, clicking of pens, and hushed conversations ceased.

“Welcome to Greek Philosophy 101,” the enthused voice proclaimed.

Scribbling down the scope of the course, I ignored Kat’s persistent staring.

“We’ll be covering the works of Plato –“

“Hey,” he said, “I’m Aaron.”

I looked up. He had cocked his head to the side, two rows of white teeth showing.

“Brandon,” I said.

He raised an eyebrow when I said nothing more. I turned back to the lecture and focused on every syllable that left the professor’s mouth, extremely conscious that Kat and Aaron took turns burning holes in my body with their stares.

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Five slender fingers wrapped themselves around my wrist as I exited the hall into the corridor. Kat pulled me aside, her small frame undermining her strength, and I stumbled along.

“Did you see –“ she started.

I blinked.

“He looked just like –“

I felt all my facial muscles tense, as though bracing for impact.

Her eyes shot over my shoulder. I craned my neck to look. Rust-coloured hair stood out amongst the rest. Grey eyes locked onto mine. A smile spread across his face. For a second, I felt something slithering under my skin. I squashed it. I broke eye contact and walked away. I left behind my best friend, resigned; a grey-eyed boy, curious; and all my emotions that were thrashing against their cage.

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“In pairs, you will draft an essay discussing the focus of pre-existentialism philosophy –“

“Brandon, you want to work on this together?” Aaron asked, soft pink lips pulling apart into a smile.

I looked over my shoulder to see Kat flirting with Jesse, her flavour of the month. Turning back, I could see Aaron’s eager demeanour. I nodded.

Why not? I thought.

“Here’s my number,” he offered, sliding a slip of paper under my notebook. He ran his hand through his reddish-brown hair, a twinkle in his eyes.

An icy grip closed around my heart, squeezing slightly.

“Two thousand words to your TA, end of the week,” the professor reminded over the speakers.

I gathered my things, shoving papers into my messenger bag. Aaron looked at me expectantly as we waited for the signal that class had ended.

“Uhm... I’m going to need your number too?” he asked, uncertainty marring his usual confidence.

I looked up at him. I blinked.

“Or...” he pondered aloud, “how about meeting me at the coffee shop tomorrow afternoon at around three?” Eyes shifting nervously as he completed his sentence, directing the question at me.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Great,” he exclaimed, blood rising to his cheeks as he realised I was still watching him.

“Right. See you guys next week!” the voice from the speakers concluded.

While waiting for my notebook to shut down completely, Kat tapped my shoulder. She cocked an eyebrow and asked, “So… he’s your partner huh?”

“And?” I answered.

“Are you sure about this?” her voice tinged with worry.

I held her gaze and blinked.

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Propping my cup of coffee on the table, I sank into the armchair, its cushions welcoming me in an embrace. I started up my notebook as I waited. It was ten to three.

Tapping my pen against my chin, I glanced at the clock: quarter past three. I watched the door as I sighed. Folding down the screen of my notebook, I finished the last of my coffee, its cold bitterness providing no comfort. Disappointment snaked its way into my gut, a long forgotten feeling.

The bells chimed as auburn hair and grey eyes poked through the door of the small coffee shop. Panting, darkened hair sticking to the side of his face and nape of his neck, his eyes scanned the room before locking eyes with me. A sigh of relief escaped his lips as they pulled into a smile. It surprised me to find warm relief brushing up against me.

“Thank goodness,” he exclaimed.

I propped the screen of my laptop back up as I waited for him to settle in the chair across from mine.

A warm hand touched my arm. I flinched, my muscles tensing. Withdrawing his hand quickly, a confused look passed behind his eyes.

“Uhm… actually, could we go back to my place –“

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He asked, “Why don’t we go back to my place?”

“But we’re supposed to have dinner,” I teased, “I’m not that easy, you know.”

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. Pressing his lips urgently against mine, his tongue shot out and traced the outline of my upper lip. Arms supporting the small of my back tightened, closing the gap between our bodies. I whimpered as the heat of his body overwhelmed me.

Breaking apart for air, breaths shallow, I looked into his stormy grey eyes, darkened with lust. Between our audible breaths, eyebrow raised, he asked, “So?”

Threading my fingers through his auburn hair, I pulled his lips into mine, my tongue seeking his desperately. I hooked a finger into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his keys. Pulling back, I swirled the keys around the finger.

“So… why don’t we go back to your place?” I asked, my tone thick with suggestion.

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“Brandon?” he asked, body leaning closer, concern laden in his voice.

His breath smelled like peppermint, I noticed.

“Sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

“Oh… I need to watch my niece, my brother left her with me when he got called into the ER,” he explained, lines still creasing his forehead.

“Sure,” I replied.

“You alright?” he asked, observing me closely.

I blinked.

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It was a pleasant five-minute walk to his house: a modest two-storey building with an attached garage and a small garden out front. It felt incredibly domestic.

“You live with your parents?” I felt compelled to ask.

“Uh… yeah. I’ve lived here all my life and since I’m at BU,” Aaron explained, looking sheepish.

He fished out his keys from his pocket and inserted it into the lock. Turning the key, the door opened to reveal the living room and connected kitchen. Aaron busied himself as he took off his shoes and arranged them on the adjacent shoe-rack. I watched as he slid off his socks and stuffed them into his shoes. He then turned around and looked at me.

“Uh… Why don’t you come in?” he offered.

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“Why don’t you come in?” he asked suggestively, his breath hot on my ear.

I giggled as the hand he had on my back shoved me through the doorway.

The door closed with a click and clothes fell off our bodies. His lips were on mine, tongues locked in a battle. His slick body slid against mine, skin against skin. His hands roamed every inch of my skin as his lips trailed kisses down my jaw, across my neck, nipping the tender skin with his teeth. I squirmed at his every touch, unearthly sounds emitting from my lips.

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“You have sad eyes,” a tiny voice piped, saliva spraying at the pronunciation of the v from across the table where I was seated.

Green eyes peered at me under a curtain of red curly hair. Freckles spattered across the bridge of her nose, she gave me a toothy grin. She hopped off her seat wrapped her tiny arms around my calf and proclaimed,

“Hugs make you feel better. Hugs make everyone feel better.”

Laughter spilled from my lips as I bent over to pick up the little girl.

“What’s your name?” I began to ask.

“I’m Merida, warrior princess! My daddy’s a Viking!” she replied, batting her eyelashes.

“Yeah right,” a deep voice travelled across the room, teasingly, “She’s obsessed with the Disney movie, Brave.”

Aaron appeared, standing next to me, the hairs on his arm tickling the back of my neck.

The little girl stuck out her tongue at him and pouted, looking immensely disappointed.

Aaron chuckled. “It’s Vivian,” he said, answering my question.

He turned to her, “Vivi, you’ve got to go upstairs and play alright? Me and Brandon have work to do.”

“But Uncle Aaron…,” she whined.

“Please?” Aaron begged in his baby voice, pouting with his sad puppy eyes.

Unable to hold in the laughter, I started to giggle.

“Alright,” Vivian replied, trudging up the stairs.

He looked over at me, asking innocently with the same expression, “What?”

Tears of laughter sprang to my eyes and Aaron shrugged his shoulders, a smile forming on his lips.

We started discussing the essay that demanded our focus, running through all the material that the Professor handed out. We traded our opinions on how we were planning to organise the information in the essay.

Shuffling through the notes, Aaron’s arm swung out and knocked his mug over. It tumbled off the wooden table and broke against the tiled kitchen floor. The deafening sound filled the room.

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The plate flew past my head and smashed against the wall behind me.

“You fucker,” he bellowed, “You’re late!”

“Look, Jared, I’m sorry,” I tried to reason, “I was caught up at school with –“

“Shut it!” he snarled. He grabbed my arm, twisting it.

“I don’t want to hear any of your lies!”

“You’re hurting me. It’s true. You can call Kat to check, please,” I pleaded.

“That slut?” he mocked.

He released my arm as he shoved me backwards into the broken shards of porcelain.

“Clean that up, bitch!” he sneered.

Pain shot through my legs, the crunch of porcelain against the soles of my feet accompanying the agony. Blood stained the porcelain as it pooled on the ground. I bent over to pick up the broken shards when a sharp pain in my side caused me to collapse into the sharp edges.

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“Oh shit!” Aaron exclaimed, “I’m so sorry.”

Droplets of ruby slid down the side of my calf, an angry red line drooling.

I froze.

“Let me clean that up,” he said as he bent over to sweep up the broken pieces of the mug.

With the last piece of the broken mug in the trash, he took my arm and led me to the couch in the adjacent living room.

“Prop up your foot,” he instructed as he opened up the first-aid kit he had fetched from the kitchen.

When I made no effort to move, he lifted my foot and placed it on his lap. He unscrewed the cap off the bottle of alcohol solution and tilted it, pressing a cotton ball against the opening.

“It’s going to hurt,” he warned.

The harsh sting provided me some relief as I grappled with the emerging evils.

“Oh my god! I’m such a klutz,” he berated himself, “I’m so sorry.”

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“I’m so sorry, babe,” Jared cooed as he stroked my hair, “It was just you got me so mad.”

I held in my tears and screams as I picked the broken pieces of the plate from the wounds. They tugged at my flesh as I tried to remove them from the cuts. They would not let go. He would not let me go.

“I have to go to the hospital,” I said, meekly.

Irritation inched its way across Jared’s face, from the twitch in the corner of his lips to the pulsing of the vein at his temple.

“I’m going to need stitches,” I pleaded.

“Go,” he ordered, the ice in his voice hurting more than expected.

I limped all the way to the elevator, barefoot, blood running down the side of my body, soaking my shirt and jeans.

“Kat, I need you,” I whispered into the phone.

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“Oh my fucking god! Brandon!” Kat gasped in horror.

“What did that bastard do to you?” venom thickly lacing her words.

“Nothing,” I lied, “I broke a plate and tripped –“

“Don’t even,” she interrupted.

“Can you drive me to the hospital?” I asked.

“Of course,” she replied.

Kat helped me to my feet. She draped my arm over her shoulder on the side where there were no shards of porcelain sticking through my skin. She slowly supported my weight to my car.

“You’ll be alright, Brandon,” she assured me, “You’ll be alright.”

When we arrived at the hospital, Kat ran into the ER. Minutes later, she arrived with a team of staff, gurney at the ready. As they strapped me in, I held onto Kat’s hand and whispered, “Thanks Kat.”

She looked at me through her unshed tears and squeezed my hand.

“You’ll be alright –“ she repeated, as I surrendered my consciousness to the pain.

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“Brandon?” Aaron questioned, leaning closer until there was barely a foot between us.

I turned to look at him. Our eyes locked as I stared into his concern-filled grey eyes. He drew closer. I could taste the peppermint on his breath. His palm rested on my thigh.

No! I thought, Don’t.

His lips were soft. They melded against mine. His breath was sweet. I watched him close his eyes as he leaned in. I felt his palm rest on my neck, a gentle touch. His tongue gently teased my lips. Then, it opened.

Tears rolled down my cheeks, my breaths grew shallow. Aaron’s eyelids flew open as he felt the first droplet. Shocked, he stumbled backwards.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry,” he apologised, “I thought… Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know. I should have known. I’m such a fucking idiot.“

The streams of tears continued sliding down my face quietly, dripping onto my lap.

Concern returned to Aaron’s face as he asked, “Brandon, are you alright?”

The vault doors flew open as every known emotion vied for my attention. They merged and separated, like snakes slithering over each other, hungry. Guilt weighed heavily on my chest, crushing my lungs. Anger boiled in my blood, igniting a bloodlust I did not know I had. Pain prickled at my nerves, sending shock waves through my body. And sweet relief, it quieted the others, a balm that gave me back some control.

“No,” I muttered, voice hoarse, “I’m not alright. I just fucking cried into your mouth. I’m not alright. I’m not fine. You kissed me and I fucking cried into your mouth.”

“I shouldn’t have –“ he started to say, his head hung low.

“It’s not that. It’s not you. I liked it. I like you and I still fucking cried in your mouth.” I interrupted.

“You look like him… I was fine. Being near you… your touches… your smiles, they brought it all back. They unlocked all these… fucking feelings that I don’t know how to feel. And now, I can’t put them back. I can’t stop feeling them.”

Perplexed, Aaron said, “I don’t understand.”

“You look like Jared,” I admitted, resigned.

“Who’s Jared,” he asked, confusion evidently thickening

I laughed.

Who’s Jared? I asked myself.

“He…” I began.

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Aaron’s hands clenched tighter with every tale I told. He bit his lip to refrain from interrupting as I recounted the horrors that once resided inside my little box, hidden from the world.

“So… what happened to him?” he asked cautiously.

“When I regained consciousness in the hospital, I had been hospitalised. They had to do so many stitches that it required general anaesthesia,” I started, noticing Aaron winced when I mentioned stitches, “I searched for my phone and saw the many text messages from Jared. It was around three in the morning, but I knew I had to call him.”

Aaron’s knuckles turned white. I continued, averting his eyes, “He was furious. He yelled at me. I told him I couldn’t go home but he wouldn’t listen. He told me he was coming to get me and that I had better be ready when he got there.” The last words came out barely more than a whisper. I wrung my hands, fidgeting, as I relived the events.

He reached over and held my hand. His touch was soft, his hand warm. As he caressed the knuckle over my thumb, I noticed how different he was to Jared. His nose was straighter, more prominent. He had a light dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose. I thought it was adorable. His lips were full, well shaped and pink. They looked soft and kissable. But above all, he was gentle. He cared.

I smiled at him, a first. It felt awkward and uncomfortable, the muscles lethargic from lack of use. He returned it with one of his blinding grins.

“So…,” he broached the subject cautiously.

Guilt ripped the smile from my face.

“He died,” I said, voice flat.

Aaron recoiled, as though I had just slapped him.

“He what?” he asked in disbelief.

“He got into his car and sped down to the hospital, except he wrapped himself around a tree. He was coming to get me but went and fucking died!” it exploded from my throat.

The tears started again,

“And I wanted him to. For a moment, I wished he would drop dead. I wished the pain would stop. But then he really went and got himself killed, and when I heard, I was relieved. I was relieved,” I said, incredulous, sobs punctuating every sentence.

Aaron pulled me into an embrace. I lay there, my head against his firm chest, tears soaking his shirt. His heart pounded a steady rhythm against its cage, a soothing symphony. Silence cocooned us as my tears ran dry.

“Look at me. We hardly know each other and I’m crying into your lap. You must think I’m crazy. I think I’ll see myself out. I think we’re about done for the essay,” I rambled.

His fingers closed around my wrist, tugging me gently towards him.

“Hey,” he assured, “I like you.”

“Really? How can you like me? You don’t know me.” I replied haughtily.

“Well, it wasn’t easy,” he teased, “I thought you were adorable when I saw you in that coffee shop and in class.”

He continued, “I thought you were adorable when you never expressed a single emotion and did nothing but blink. It was frustrating.”

“But, I’ve seen you smile today and it’s contagious. And your laugh, I’d like to bottle that up. So, I would really like it if I could get to know you,” he finished, serious.

His earnest demeanour had me at a loss for words for a moment.

“You’re a real sap, you know,” I teased.

He chuckled.

“Let me drive you home,” he offered.

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“Hello, Brandon, are you alright?” she asked, panting, picking up the phone barely after the first ring.

“Hey Kat,” I replied, “I just wanted to thank you.”

“Brandon, you’re not going to do anything stupid are you?” she demanded, concerned, “What the hell happened at Aaron’s place?”

“We talked,” I said.

“I’m only going to ask one more time before I march over there. Are you alright?” she asked urgently.

“No, Kat. I’m not fine, not right now,” I admitted, “But I think I can be.”