Can You Believe It - 1. Chapter 1

Sometimes hearing the truth is the last thing I want to hear. Sometimes it’s just plain rude, inconsiderate of my feelings and sometimes the truth just plain sucks.

Argh hell, I’m not trying to say the truth isn’t important. But I mean come on for fuck sakes, do we really need to be so cruel with the truth?

Ok so hang on, maybe this is just a big drama and maybe I am all upset right now, but I mean seriously, I’m just not really going to stand here and take a dressing down of that nature for nothing. After all I am who I am, and that is all there is to it.

Ha!

Yeah, yeah, alright you want to know what I am raving on about. It’s actually got me really worked up to be fair. I mean, I really don’t think I am that ‘CAMP’!

Just because I mince a bit, and maybe wear a little make up, and dress it up. Oh common don’t roll your eyes at me. I am not being a drama queen. Yes I know what you’re thinking, another gay boy throwing a hissy fit. Well no I’m sorry I’m not.

I just think I’m allowed to express myself in what ever damn way I choose. I don’t tell any body else how to act. I don’t go around making up rules about how they should behave or how HE should be towards me.

Yeah the magnificent Mr Toby thinks he’s so high and mighty that he can just rant off and have a go at me for being too girly for him. Crap!

We’ve kind of known each other since um…… well gosh, since we were kiddies. Yeah, I moved into this area when I was erm….. four I think. Or maybe five. Argh, that’s not serious, you just need to know I was pretty young.

Yeah and so Toby lives next door. Best friends pretty quick. Yeah. We get along. He’s a great guy and since we kind of worked out we liked each other and stuff, well you know. We’re cool together.

Well we WERE!

Gosh I am so damn mad right now. I just can’t believe he’d be so self righteous to tell me that I’ve gone all weird and changed too much.

No see. It’s not like that.

Well, ok, granted I have started to express myself a little more now that I’m ‘Out’.

I told mom and dad about three weeks ago now, and wow what a relief that was. They were actually pretty cool about it. Looking back on it now, I don’t really know why I got myself so worked up about it. Yeah, it was a big thing. Yes it wasn’t easy to tell them, but they are my folks for heavens sakes. What were they going to do, hang me by my nuts for being queer?

No they love me and regardless of what I am, they still do. Mom was a little disappointed she wouldn’t have grandkids. Well maybe a lot disappointed. She cried about it quite a bit I think. But she’s accepted that now, and we got to have a really good talk the other day. She was like, “Jeremy you must be happy baby. I love you for who and what you are, not what I want you to be.”

Awwww isn’t that just so damn cute? My mom is an angel I’m sure. Well, if she isn’t God did a really good job making her, because she’s just such a darling. She does so much for me and Sam. Sam, my younger brother. Pain in the bum much!

But he’s blood, and dad says blood is thicker than water. I don’t really get that expression, but it’s supposed to mean we hang tighter than anyone else or something like that I guess. So I tolerate him. He is a young boy after all, and they are meant to be annoying right?

Ha!

Sorry I’m digressing. So yeah, well I came out a couple of weeks ago, and decided that after telling my mom and dad and brother, it’d probably be a good idea to tell people at school. Next major hurdle, but again I guess I was rather lucky. I mean I didn’t stand up in the hall and shout “Hello I’m a Fag everyone!”, no I was sensible about it, and told selected people progressively.

Carol first, then Vicky, then Rochelle, then Amy. After that it was only fair that I told Rebecca and Scott. And well Scott asked if he could tell Ben. Yeah so that was my whole little clan of mates all told, no one else needed or deserved to know really. I mean what I do inside my bedroom is my business right?

So well yeah, that was it. It was scary, I really hoped no one reacted badly to my news, and let’s be honest no one really did. None of them have like ditched me or anything and Scott even hugs me now. How cool is that? Now that must be a straight guy that’s really comfortable with himself to suddenly be able to hug a gay boy just like he does with all the straight girls. Rebecca is so damn lucky he’s her man. I’m green with envy; I mean damn that boy has a cute butt.

So ok. I’ve taken this BIG step, and really changed up my life. I’m not hiding in the ‘Closet’ anymore as they say. No, I didn’t go and out Toby at the same time. Gosh how dumb do you think I am? It’s for him to decide when to ‘Come Out’!

We’ve been like seeing each other since we were fourteen. No hanky panky till we got to sixteen, and that was no easy feat let me tell you. Crumbs since about, well since I decided I liked Toby, I’ve wanted him, and so yeah, I mean, we started to um…. Date I guess at fourteen. You know, I’ve never really thought about it. We kind of just agreed that we’d be each others boyfriend when we had that ‘Big Talk’ and then well it’s just kind of progressed slowly along from there.

What big talk?

Meh, ok I’ll give you the details then. So we were like fourteen right? Best mates for a good few years by then. Must have been coming up on like ten years or so. I know everything about Toby, and well Toby knows just about everything about me.

So we are watching the All Blacks playing the Boks and I go and make a stupid observation right in the middle of the game. Yeah I know, I do stupid things. Anyway, there’s this new guy on the pitch, an eighteen year old called Patrick Lambie. Oh My God!

He is so fit he makes me want to cream myself. So yeah we are watching the game, and he is taking a kick, and I mutter what is meant to be a thought in my head, but is actually something I say out loud. “Look at that arse!”

Well I wanted to die there and then. I just suddenly hoped that the couch would wake up and swallow me whole. But you know what? Toby is just watching the screen and says, “I know!”

So I look at him like he’s just crawled out of Swiss cheese or something, and he’s like, “What?”

So I say to him, “What do you mean you know?”

And he goes bright red the poor boy. It was like he was suddenly wishing the couch would do the same thing I had wished when I made the first stupid statement.

So he’s like all shy and everything, and I’m sorry but subtlety has never been a big thing for me, so I just out and ask him, “You like his bum? Are you gay or something?”

So he says, “Whoa, hang on, you just said you liked it too.”

“Yeah but that’s not the point,” I say to him, “anyway, I asked you the question first.”

“I didn’t ask you a question,” he pointed out to me. Oh I hate it when he gets all smart arse with me. But he was right, I had kind of outed myself to him without meaning too, but well, he’s just done the same thing right?

So I push him. “Well, I’m not denying it though am I? So tell me, are you gay?”

“Well I don’t really know what I am J,” he says.

So now I’m confused and all right? He’s just confirmed he thinks Patrick has a cute bum, now he’s saying he’s not sure if he’s gay or not. What kind of guy likes another guy’s bum if he’s not gay?

So I just say, “Whatever,” and carry on watching the cutie on the TV, and then he just blows me right out the water.

“Actually I think you’ve got an even cuter bum if I’m honest J,” he says.

I just looked at the cheeky so and so. He’s been checking out my backside? When?

“You want my bum?” I asked him.

I’ve never seen that boy blush so fierce like. I think if he wasn’t careful he was going to pass out, because all his blood must have been in his head. Oh come now, NOT THAT HEAD! Keep your mind out the gutter will you?

Yeah, so I guess the blush kind of confirmed it to me, and I had a goofy grin on my face.

So Toby says, “Well J, I won’t lie, I do think about you in like a more, kind of, I don’t know….”

So I kind of push him along again, “Sexual way?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he admits.

Wow, he actually admitted it to me. I was surprised to be frank. I didn’t think he’d have the guts too, but he did. So with that out there, we went quiet for a while. Then I said, “Well I kind of wouldn’t say no to it, maybe, but, I’m just not sure I’m ready to try any of that stuff yet Tob.”

“Oh no J, I wasn’t suggesting we should do something,” he says quickly. “I just meant that well…… I kind of well, I think about you…… um……”

“What? You think about me when you’re spanking the monkey?” I ask.

Awwww heck, if you could have seen his face, you’d have fallen in love with him yourself. He was too shy to answer and just nodded his head the poor lad.

I felt really proud suddenly. My best friend was fantasising about me. Wow. I actually felt quite privileged. I mean let’s be honest; you know he’s the best looking boy in the school right? He could have anyone. I know of at least five girls that want to jump his bones.

I just smiled and went quiet again. We watched to the end of the game, and then it kind of got a little awkward. So I’m the bull in the china shop, and wasn’t going to have this “Walking on glass” thing going on forever, so I kind of just put it out there again.

“So what are we going to do about this then Tob?”

“Do about what?”

“You fancying me?”

“God, I didn’t say I fancied you, I just said I think about you!” He looked stressed.

“J, you just told me you’ve been checking me out. You think about me when you tug. Sorry that isn’t exactly the kind of thoughts about someone you just want to play footy with.” I told him.

“Well yeah ok,” ha accepted.

“So what do we do about it?” I pushed again.

“Well you said you weren’t denying that you are gay,” he said.

“I’m not,” I repeated.

“So you are gay?” He asks me, looking right at me now.

“Yep I think so,” I decided to admit. In that instant, I don’t know why, maybe it was just the fact that I felt bolder now that I knew he was too, I don’t know. But whatever it was I came out to him right there, just like that. Cool or what right?

“Wow,” he sighs.

I laughed. I think it was more just to relieve the tension than actually laughing at him, but I have to admit he was really cute while he was looking so rattled like that.

Vulnerable almost. Like I could just wrap him in my arms and cuddle him.

“So you tried it or anything?” he mumbled at me.

“Nope. I told you, I’m not ready to get all sexual and everything. I mean I’m only just actually working out that I fancy guys. I’m not even really sure I know about what they do to each other sexually. They didn’t really tell us that in class.” I said.

“Yeah, I hear what you mean. I’ve watched a bit of gay porn online,” he admitted.

“Gosh mom would castrate me if I tried that,” I said.

“Well next time you come over, I’ll show you,” he offered to me.

“Ok that’d be awesome Toby.” That idea excited me a lot right then as I recall. Haha. “So what we going to do then?”

“I’m not really sure what you mean J” Toby says.

Argh, you know this boy can be really thick sometimes. So I literally have to spell it out for him.

“Toby, you’ve been checking out my arse, you’ve been jacking off thinking about me, does this mean your going to want to do stuff with me?”

His eyes were the size of tea cups I swear. “Would you do stuff with me?” he asked, as if I’d just told him officially who’d killed JFK.

Actually that was a pretty good question. I mean yeah I’d worked out that I knew I was gay and stuff, and like guys. I pretty much knew that I really, really liked Toby. He’s hot, got a cute body, and we like know everything about each other, but see that is the thing. I don’t want to loose that, and I don’t know enough about this stuff to know if it’ll work or not, and what will happen if it goes all horribly wrong.

So I just had to think about it, and that must have scared the hell out of him, because he just suddenly got up right then and was like, “Ah Jeremy I got to go mate. I’m sorry I asked that!”

But I know this boy too damn well, and no I didn’t let him go home and stew about it all, so I just grabbed his hand and pulled him back down.

“No Toby, sit down. We finish talking about this first, it’s too important.”

So he sat back down. “Look Toby, I’d be over the moon to have you as a boyfriend. You’re my best mate, and I don’t want to loose that. I just don’t know enough about all this shit yet, so can I make a suggestion?”

I could tell he’s hanging on every word I say by this stage, and you know what, that was such a powerful feeling to have at that time. He’s the stud, the one that’s always Mr Popular, the one that everyone wants a piece of, and here is little old me, the normal one, his best mate, got power over him.

Talk about a high! Anyway he nods at me eager like, so I say, “Well, lets just take our time and think about all this, and if we decide its really something we want to try and do together, then we can, but I don’t want to rush it. Ok?”

“So your saying we like date and see what happens?” he asked. Toby has this puppy dog eyes thing going on when he wants something really bad, and right then, he had those damn puppy dog eyes looking at me. So I caved in.

“Ok, yeah let’s go out with each other and see where we end up.”

So that was the ‘Big talk’. We kind of dated like that till this year when we both turned sixteen and then finally decided we’d give it a go and like actually try some of the stuff we’d seen and read about online. Thank god for online forums, or we’d never have known what the hell to do. I mean, if I hadn’t known that that pain was going to come like that, but would eventually go, I don’t think I’d ever have let do me that first time. God does it hurt. But God is it worth it.

So we proved to each other that we deserved that right? We waited, we were patient, we didn’t rush each other. We’re meant to be together and all that. And then I got the balls to come out. And here is where it gets all weird like.

So we’ve been intimate and everything for about two months, been going out together for just over a year and a half, and I’m sick of hiding. It just feels wrong. Sorry but I just want to be able to be me. I don’t want to have to skulk around and always be shit scared I’m going to get caught.

So we discussed it, and he was like, “No Way.” It’s not something he can do he says. I know he’s got an awkward dad. Actually no that’s not totally true; he’s got a real tyrant of a dad. The guy would probably skin Toby if he came out, so I guess I can understand that.

But I did kind of make it clear that for me hiding about just wasn’t the choice for me, and I was going to start coming out. Not all at once and all, you know, just as and when I felt ready too. I thought he understood.

And so yeah, I did come out, and it has been great. I finally feel I can be me, and oh boy Toby does not like that. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been able to act myself, and be flamboyant and try different stuff. It’s all new and exciting and great fun for me right now, and I don’t think Toby gets that. I kind of noticed it a few days ago when he asked me to “Tone it down a bit” in the mall. I was like “What? Why?”

Suddenly I make him uncomfortable? Weirdo!

Today I decided to try a bit of make up. Just to see how good it looks. Can it hide the blemishes on my face? How easy is it to put on? All those things I’ve wondered about and stuff.

So when I got to school, Toby just flipped. He sees me and he’s like, “What the hell are you wearing?”

I was like, “What do you mean, I’ve got clothes on?”

So he gets all uppity and says, “I’m talking about your face!”

I kind of just got a little mad then. Only a bit like. So I said, “What the hell, it’s a bit of make up, is it going to kill you?”

So what does he do? He gets in a right hump and slams his locker and storms off, and that just made me even more mad right. I’m sure you’ve gathered by now I’m not the kind of person to just leave something hanging, and he knows this oh so well.

So yeah, I hunted him down around school to try and talk it through, but he totally avoided me. So just now I went over to his house to have it out with him. I went there, because I know his folks are out at work and he’s home alone, where as here there’s my mom and brother to listen in.

So I get there and he’s all mardy with me. So I demand to know what his problem is. I mean after all this time I have the right to know right? And you know what the bastard says to me? He says…………..

“I don’t know why, but since you’ve come out you’ve gone and changed Jeremy.”

I was totally thrown. Changed? How? Ok, yeah happier maybe. Free to be me maybe?

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

That’s when it all came out, the whole horrible lot of it. He says, “You’ve gone so damn camp since you’ve come out. It’s like you’ve become a damn sissy Jeremy.”

He may as well have slapped me. I was so shocked I really didn’t know what to say. I just sat down on the chair staring at him. I didn’t say a word.

He looked at me for a bit and then shakes his head and gets up. “It’s like hell J. I’m pretty damn sure I am gay man. Not straight, not bi, not interested in girls at all right. I’ve worked this out by dating you all along right? We’ve done this together right? So why the hell would I then want you to go and get all sissy and stupid like that just because you’re all out in the open now?” He was pacing up and down the room now, kind of shouting.

“Like hell, J. If I wanted a girl I’d go get a proper bloody girl, not a pretend queer one!”

Do you know that was like a knife plunging right through my heart! Oh heck, I am not being dramatic. It hurt like hell. I am not a girl, I’m just a young guy who’s having a laugh and discovering myself. If it was such a big issue couldn’t he just have spoken to me without being so bloody cruel?

The truth is a double edged sword and all that malarkey. To heck. I just felt numb. He’s not finished with me though. He’s ranting on and on and on….

“I mean I’m a man, and I fancy men. Not sissy boys that prance about like girls all dolled up in make up and fancy clothes. If you want to be a girl so badly go get the bloody job done properly J. Get it chopped off and turned inside out. Just don’t run around like a pathetic gay queen pretending to be one. You know something; it’s because of camp queens like you that gay guys get a bloody bad name, shoving your gayness down everybody’s throats and all that. Shit, if you just carried on like normal no one had to know. You didn’t have to show your gayness to the whole world, damn it J.”

That was it, I’d heard enough. So I leapt up and let him have both barrels.

“You know what Toby, I never once thought I’d ever see this side of you, but my god you hide it well. For what it’s worth, I’m just having a laugh, trying things I haven’t been allowed to try up to now. So I mince it up a bit, so what if I’m camp a bit. Or even a lot, who cares. I’m me, and I’m sorry me isn’t good enough for you. You know you could have for once in your bloody life been happy for me. You could have sat me down and talked to me about how uncomfortable it made you feel. Shit you could even have asked me to stop it, but no, you had to make it all about you. You’ve never stopped to think about how weird it was to have to ‘Come Out’. I mean you don’t get straights going to their friends and saying “Oh by the way listen I’ve got to tell you I’m straight!” It’s bloody hard enough for us gay people to go through all that, without having the people on our side persecute us! Crumbs is it really so bad that I act a little different from all the straight boys? That’s really going to kill you? Or is it that you’re just too bloody interested in protecting your own skin to care about me?”

I looked at him for a long time, and he just shook his head. Can you believe that? He shook his head at me.

Sorry?

Well yeah, I have always really had an issue about this whole ‘Coming Out’ thing. I mean hell, you’ve known for a while now right?

Exactly, so when I you realised that I was infact a gay man, did that make me suddenly a bad person, or change everything that you knew about me? Ok I mean yeah I accept that I didn’t tell you I was gay right away, but how many of your friends tell you they are straight? None, exactly my point!

It’s just assumed that we are all going to naturally be straight men and women, but like that’s so unfair. It should be expected that we are all going to be sexual, regardless of which way we swing. Some of us are naturally gay, some are lesbian, some even bisexual for crying out loud, that’s just life. Why do we put expectations on people? I mean society makes it so damn difficult to be gay, is it any wonder that some of us go off the rails a bit when we come out and can eventually act the way we want to act and be who we want to be?

Come on, does a person’s sexuality make who we are as an individual any different, or is it just some pre conceived notion that if it’s a gay guy he’s going to want to get into your pants? And where the hell did that kind of thinking come from in the first place? Ok yeah there are guys that I look at and think, “wow, wouldn’t it be nice to try a bit of that,” but we all do that. Straight guys look at how many women every single day and undress them with their eyes? Straight people go to ‘swingers’ parties and share each others boyfriends and girlfriends and how many straight affairs happen every year?

Straight people are just as promiscuous as gay people. They have just as much sex and stuff right? So why is it so wrong that a gay guy thinks the same way a straight guy does? I mean just because we think it doesn’t me we are going to do it!

Meh.

So yeah, I stormed out, and well here I am not ranting and raving at you. I’m sorry to unload this all on your shoulders like, but you’re the only one that I can talk to right now. So yeah, thanks for listening.

I’m not really sure what I’m going to do now. I’m too mad and angry to think straight to be fair. It’s not really so bad to act a little different is it? Ok maybe I’ll admit it’s not just a little different. Straight boys don’t do make up and all that, and yes I have minced a little more of late. It’s just a bit of harmless fun.

It just really stung you know. It was like if he really wanted to make me feel bad, then there was no better way of doing it. Attack me on the one issue that’s like really sensitive for me right now.

This is who I am. This is me! I’m learning things I was too scared to even consider a few weeks ago. I’ve discovered that people will still love me, even though I’ve had to tell them ‘I’m different’. My friends are still cool, and I can relax, and actually begin to enjoy life a little bit. Try stuff. Ok, yes it probably a little bit weird and different, I mean it’s like I get to try all these things I’ve wondered about and figure out what I like and what I don’t like right? Is that so wrong?

Does all that “gayness” really bring gay people such a bad name? I mean maybe Toby is right and acting all camp around straight boys does make them feel uncomfortable. It’s certainly going to get me noticed a lot more, possibly by the ‘wrong’ people. I mean yeah there are some real nasty people about that don’t like gays. So maybe Toby was just looking out for me. What do you think?

But did he have to be so cruel?

Ok, ok your right. Yes I can accept that sometimes we strike out more at the people we love because we feel more able to say what we really think and maybe it is better to know the truth than for him to smile at my face and lie to me about how he feels. I’m sorry I just don’t treat people like that though. I mean if I was angry I’d wait until I’d calmed down and thought it through before I spoke. I don’t just shoot my mouth off!

What’s that?

Oh, don’t be a smart arse. Yes I shot my mouth off about being gay in the ‘Big talk’ but that’s not the same thing. I wasn’t being cruel or nasty or tearing someone to shreds.

I mean for heavens sakes he told me to get my bits chopped off!

Hmmmmm.

No look maybe you’re right and he did say it in the heat of the moment. Yeah he was obviously upset, and I have changed a bit since I’ve come out like he said. I don’t think that it’s such a bad change. Maybe I did it too quick, maybe I did it too much, but I just don’t want to hide all this anymore you know?

Yeah, I can kind of see his point of view, and it has given me something to think about. Your right I can put him in his place about talking to me like that. I’ve got a jolly good mind to put him over my knee actually; I’m just not so sure he’d not enjoy that more than feel punished!

Wow, you just made me smile. You’re good at this listening and asking questions malarkey. I’ll call you my councillor from now on? Erm….. Just don’t send me a bill ok?

Oh hang on, my phone is vibrating. Um….. Oh it’s mom. Heck dinner is ready. Look I’m going to have to go.

Listen you’ve been brilliant. I know I’m not perfect, and I was like red hot piping mad when I came in here, but you’ve made me think rationally, and I’ve calmed down a bit now. I’ll give Toby a few days and hopefully we can talk this through and work out exactly what he wants and expects and what I want to be able to do and how I expect to be spoken too. I agree with you, that is a good way to move forward.

I also think your right that I should think a little more about how I act, and where I do it. I mean there is a right place and a wrong place to do it right? Yeah, that is sensible.

Yeah great! Thanks again for being so patient with me, you’re an awesome mate. I’ll catch you soon right?

Thanks hey. Bye.