Search the Community

Well I wanted to do a "sing along" blog in which people guessed the next lyrics of a song. However, unfortunately I hadn't restarted my computer in about 4 days and I finally gave in on me halfway through . LOL, but it's been awhile since I blogged so instead I'll include my response to writing prompt # 12. I had fun with it. I did take some "creative license" though. Here was the prompt: You awake one day to find a giant jar of mayonase about to attack you. Who do you think about? What do you do? Describe the situation. And my response: _______________________________ Ding Dong! Ding Dong! I awoke to the sound of my doorbell ringing. Hurriedly I rolled out of bed, threw on a pair of boxers and a belt, and then rushed from my bedroom, eager to welcome my visitor. I quickly flung open my frontdoor to find a very cute delivery guy with a HUGE package. "Hi, are you Mr. A.F. Face?" my handsome caller asked as he looked at the clipboard in his hand. "Well I guess that's me," I responded hesistantly wondering why he was using my internet pseudonym. "This is for you then," he said as he wheeled the giant box into my living room. Then as he turned to leave he handed me a small envelop. "What's this?" I tried to ask, but he was already closing the door behind himself. Hmmm, how strange, I thought as I looked cautiously at the 10 foot tall box now standing in the middle of the room. Well maybe this well help explain the mystery, I thought as I began to open the envelop. I discovered a brief note written on GA stationary inside. Dear Kevin, Please accept this lifetime supply of chocolate syrup with our compliments. -Your friends at GA Oh boy! This is so awesome!!! I thought as I quickly ran to the kitchen and began making a very large brownie sundae. First I warmed the brownie ever so slightly, then I scooped on several generous mounds mint almond ice cream, next I sprayed a copious amount of whipped cream on the whole thing, and finally I sprinkled shredded nuts on top. "THERE! It's perfect, now all that's left is to add the chocolate syrup!" I said outloud, unable to contain my enthusiasm. I hadn't been this excited since the produce stand ran its sale on leeks. Finally I opened the box and laboriously removed the giant bottle marked "Extra rich, extra thick chocolate syrup". Carefully I tilted it onto its side and squeezed a generous amount onto the feast which awaited me. Oddly the contents which plopped into my bowl were white. hmm, must be white chocolate, I thought to myself as I brushed my blonde bangs from my eyes. Eagerly I grabbed a spoon and took a HUGE bite, swallowing before I had time to even process the taste. GASP!!! "This isn't chocolate! This is mayonase!" I blurted out in disgust. Immediately I could feel my arteries clogging and as I had a massive heartattack and fell to the floor I remembered that GA doesn't have stationary. My mind raced as I tried to figure out who could have poisoned me. It was too late though my heart slowly gave out under the pressure of all the fat and greese laden mayo. As I slowly breathed my last breath I thought, well at least I moisturized last night. Ten minutes later the same delivery guy returned to the home of the fallen chocoholic. He quickly set about stuffing the toxin-containing bottle back into it's crate. Next he layed the box on its side and, placing the corpse inside, he nailed it shut. Finally he wheeled it out and loaded it into his van. As he closed the back doors bright blue lettering became visible. We don't test our products on animals then in much smaller writting at the bottom: (we use verbose gay people who parody themselves in writing prompts instead) ____________________________________ So chapter 2 of Indefensible will be ready to post tomorrow. I hope you guys like it, I had a lot of fun writing it . Please let me know what you think even if you don't like it though Chapter 3 was finished, but now I'm re-working it a bit. However, it should definitely be ready by next Monday. Chapters 4 and 5 are all planned out in my head so hopefully they hop onto the screen without too much of a struggle. And lastly, tonight is LittleBuddhaTW's Author Chat. It should be a blast so you guys please make an effort come if you can I'll hopefully do the blog I intended to do this time next time. Anyway have an awesome day everyone and take care! Kevin

{Paraphrased scene from Friends} Ross to Susan as he surveys their book collection: "You guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian" Susan: "Yeah, well you have to pass a test or the won't let you do it" So I was at Barnes & Noble and I realized that my own personal library was completely devoid of books about being gay. So I sauntered (I was going for a gay book after all) over to the Gay Studies section. A long with three other titles (I'm also now the proud owner of The Joy of Gay Sex - which actually, not quite as hot or informative as I was expecting, but I figured it's a "must have" for a modern gay boi ) I decided to purchase a book on "coming out". I mostly consider myself "out", but there's still some family and old friends left that I need to tell so I figured why not. Anyway, interesting thing about buying a book about coming out, you kind of have to already BE OUT to buy it. I'm definitely out enough to buy it. It was actually kind of fun watching the sales clerk try to act casual and unflustered, but the irnoy struck me. It's sort of like getting a book on wedding planning AS a wedding gift. "Why thank you, MaryJo, I'll be sure to keep this handy for after the devorce when I'm dating seriously again." I also noticed an intriguing label on my facial cleanser. It seems I needn't worry, the product wasn't tested on animals. Now I think that's a very good and important thing for some consumer goods. Like chain saws for example. "yeah Bill, looky here, this baby'll take the head off a full growed elk in 3 seconds flat *spit* says so right here on the box." Still it is a relief to know that no where out there is a white rat having to endure "radiant, non-oily skin" *gasp!*. We all know they don't test condoms on animals. Rodents have notoriously poor access to birth control. This is of course how rabbits got such a bad rap. Of course they don't test those coming out books on animals either. No, the prefer to use young gay people. "Well that sure didn't work! George, make a note to leave sky writing out of the revised edition." Anyway take care all and have an awesome day!! Also I do hope no one takes anything in this entry seriously. I have the utmost amount of respect for the coming out process and I'm firmly against all animal testing. Besides I've already decided what my next entry is going to be about and it'll be painfully serious.

So they finally processed my insurance license and issued it Monday. Thus I've actually been working this week. Well sort of. I'm off to a rather slow start, but I hear that's typical. Still a bit of a downer though. Still I shan't give up! (nor shall I quit using archaic grammer) Mostly this week I've been struggling to get on some type of schedule that makes more sense. I guess I'm a little bit closer, but I'm just fighting my natural inclinations to stay up until the early morning and then sleep until the early afternoon. It's not a pattern I've gotten in from all my time off, it's a pattern I've been in since I was born. Anyway my plan for today was to get up at 8:30 and go into the office all day and work there where'd they'd be less distractions and more people to offer advice/tips. (I'm technically "self-employed" so I set my own hours, and can work completely from home if I want to - well there's one meeting a week that I'm "strongly encouraged" to attend but anyway) So anyway I got up at 10:30 ( ), and went to have a shower. The thing about showers though is that one of their primary components is water. Without water you're just standing their naked rubbing thick, gooy, liquids all over yourself. My shower was lacking in water . My bathroom sink was similarly afflicted, as was my toilet. No surprise of course given their close proximity; if one catches an ailment the other's bound to get a bit sick too. The real shocker, however, was that my kitchen sink had also contracted this rampant case of plumbing dehydration. :wacko: A quick call to the management in my apartment complex confirmed what I was already strongly suspicious of: the water's off. Apparently it'll remain off until about 4:30 while they do who knows what. In the mean time I can't have my shower, or even brush my teeth . The thing about me is I'm kind of a stickler for personal hygiene. On a typical day I take between 2-4 showers/baths, and brush my teeth 3-5 times. Sounds a bit excessive I know, but it's because I like to do both activities morning and night ..err when I wake up and go to sleep , and then again each time I exercise or go for a run/walk. I also have a tendency to let my distracted side take over at least once or twice when I go to the bathroom for routine purposes and before I know what's happened I've brushed my teeth. So anyway being waterless is quite a sucky predicament for me to be in. I just feel too icky to go out, and obviously it would be exceedingly stupid to go for a run or something when I can't shower or bath upon my return. I guess I could work a bit now from here, but the evening is actually the peak the time to do it anyway. My mouth feels to grungy to to eat anything...plus I couldn't brush my teeth after, and it would have to be prepared waterfree...SO food consumption's out. I might read a bit, but chances are I'll opt to partake in one of the best methods known for passing the time (minds OUT of the gutter,,,I'd want a shower after that :king: ): I'm going to go back to sleep for awhile. Sure it'll screw up what little progress I'd made realigning my schedule but whatever. On the bright side since I literally stockpile bottled/jugged water in my pantry I've got plenty to drink. So at least I won't catch the dehydration bug. Anyway take care and have a terrific day everyone! Kevin

Now I know what some of you might be thinking, "Oh goodness, this is going to be really long if he's actually admitting it's wordy in the title." However, you'd be wrong. Oh I'm not saying it won't be long, perhaps it will, but certainly no longer than my typical blog entry. No, this entry is in fact about Words. I love words! They're one of my all time favourite things to utter. The thing about words and expression though, is that if you look at their usual meaning versus their literal meaning an amusing disparity often arises. Take the example of the phrase "looking forward to". "Looking forward to" would logically simply mean thinking about a time in the future when the event in question is going to be taking place. However, in common parlance the meaning exclusively implies that this event will be good. I'm "looking forward to" getting paid, I'm "looking forward to" reading that next chapter! But surely not everything that one "looks forward to" is good. I mean I'm all in favour of positive thinking, but sometimes you can't help but think about something bad or unpleasant which is going to happen. Thus, why can't you be "looking forward" to your colonoscopy? Or perhaps you're on death row. "yes, I'm really quite looking forward to my execuction. In fact it's practically all I can think about!" Or perhaps you've ticked off someone big and nasty. "Oh no, he's going to give you an awful beating when he finds out." "yeah I know, I'm really looking forward to it." Then there's "the way". The prepositions you use with "the way"are of vital importance. No one wants to be "in the way", but it's not so bad to be "on your way". You can tell all sorts of interesting things "from the way" someone says something. Oh and "by the way" make sure to yield to the person who has the "right of way". Now what's that about anyway? I've always found it a little insulting. I mean say I'm on my way to the hospital, sure my way is of the utmost importance, yet some doik (my own word ) might be cruising around and still have "the right of way". . What a mysterious thing "the way" is! I guess the only way to tell what someone means is to listen to the way in which they say it. I was on my way to the store when suddenly I found myself in the way of a very large truck who had the right of way. From the way the tires screeched I knew I was going to be hit. By the way seatbelts save lives. Speaking of "finding myself" I must say that's got to be one of my favourite idioms! It sounds so joyous. Like you're having some sort of outer body experience and your essence flits into a new room only to discover your body! "ohhh I found myself!". Of course it doesn't have to be positive. Sometimes people "find themselves" in all sorts of cruddy situations. "Yes, I suddenly found myself with a broken arm", "well if you hadn't left yourself and gone gallivanting off perhaps your arm wouldn't have been broken!" I mean you've got to watch yourself . Of course "your self" rather sounds like a seperate entity altogether, still you, but not quite. That's why so many people talk to "themselves" (which I'm sure should be theirselves but who am I to quibble). And what if I say "yes, I did that myself", it sounds as though I'm addressing me. "Yes, I did that for you, my friend." "yes, I did that for you, my self" (probably took a pain pill for that arm ) And what if you're "by yourself"?? Does this happen in the moment after you "find yourself" and before you can "get yourself together". "Why yes, I was right by myself when it happened, I saw the whole thing, that bus with the right of way broke my self's arm." On the subject of idioms we mustn't forget "minding your business". EVERYONE has business these days. It doesn't matter who you are; you've got business! Six year olds have business. Their parents often remind them of it, "go and mind your business while daddy and I talk"...hmmm can you say child labour lawsuit? Of course everyone uses "their business" to try to make them look innocent. "I was just standing there, minding my own business, when the next thing I knew..." Why even my cats have business. I was cooking the other night (you know minding my own business ) when Timmy came in and started whining for scraps. So of course I said to him, "Timmy, you just go and mind your own business." Personally I think he and Lucky are in business together. I mean he's a nice cat, but he's kind of lacking in social skills. Lucky on the other hand! Now she's got the social skills, so I'm sure she handles all the P.R. for their business. Then there's the way in which we express states of being. I mean who among us hasn't been "in a hurry"? It's quite an image, I always imagine the afflicted person standing there, minding their own business of course, when all of a sudden this dreadful, whirling "hurry" comes out of nowhere and engulfs them. Yes, this person is now "in a hurry". This can be a very powerful and physical experience (one it seems few people look forward to). The person's face may become flushed, their brow furrowed and sweaty, sentences take on an urgent, choppy nature. Alas, this tragic happenstance can occur at anytime. Why you might just be casually checking your watch when the next thing you know .....BAM! you discover you're in a hurry. Now often times people will try to help the person that's become ensnared in the hurry. They may urge them to fight it and "take it easy", or "calm down". This is never appreciated by the person in the hurry. No, once someone "finds themselves" in a hurry the best thing you can do is step back and let it spin itself out, lest you too get sucked in too. Sleeping is another thing for which people need auxiliary words in order to express. For instance people fall asleep. They never "fall a rest" though. "My you look relaxed." , "yep, fell a rest." Of course being "asleep" is a contradiction in terms. The prefix "a" means "without", as in "amoral" or "asymmetrical". So it seems like if you were "asleep" you'd be wide awake. "awake"?? HUH? To be wakeful is to be alert and conscious, to be without wake must mean....well to be asleep. :wacko: "I was so tired last night I "fell awake" only to be "aslept" by the alarm this morning....I hit snooze and the next thing I knew I was in a hurry." Which brings us to another case in point (see I have this point, I'm as shocked as you are, and this is a "case" which fits nicely into my point ). The words for which you know the meanings and thus naturally assume, also knowing the way in which the English language works, that you can form completely new, logical words. But you can't! Take "disgruntled" for instance. That is indeed a fun word! It makes sense too, a "gruntle" sounds like something you'd make when pleased. It's guttural, it sounds like it could be quite pleasant. So I'm sure it's quite a shame when you find yourself with bad gruntles, when in fact you become "disgruntled". Funny though, no matter how pleased you are you just can't go around saying, "gosh! I'm just so 'eugruntled' " Several years ago I was having a conversation with a friend. Matt: "what's wrong, Kevin?" Me: "nothing why?" Matt: "I dunno, you just seem disgruntled" Me: "no, my gruntles are perfectly well thanks." "Dis", that's an interesting little prefix. It's a clever thing. It's joined ranks with the likes of "sub"; it's become a word in it's own right. Nowadays in colloquial speech it's nothing to hear someone offer the admonition, "Don't 'dis' me!". It even makes sense, "dis" is bad, to "dis someone" would be to send bad their way (notice the sneaky and pervasive little way creeping back into the conversation) Yet again you can't just go with your gut interpretation in every case. You'd think if I became a nasty, disrespectful (my respect having become bad), malevolent member of GA well then surely I'd have become "dismembered" .....Hmmm I guess it really depends on whom I'm nasty and disrespectful towards

I was trembling. I'd carefully avoided it all day, but now the withdrawal was getting stronger. My nerves were shot. I couldn't stop pacing. Thinking back I realized that I couldn't pinpoint the exact time the addiction started. At first it was something I only did occasionally. Maybe as a way to celebrate, or after a stressful day. Then I gradually began to need a fix everyday. I'd promised myself those days were behind me now. I'd even told everyone that, that part my history was just that, history. Yet at this moment, I knew it was hopeless to even contemplate continuing my night unless I had just one more hit......one more and then I could be free. It was late, and cold. Only a junkie would be going out on a night like this. I shrugged and tried to dismiss the thought as I hurriedly left my apartment and began my lonely walk. Oh I knew all the places to go for it. I eventually settled on a location not too far from home. Sure it was risky. There was a greater chance of someone I knew seeing me, but I didn't think I'd make it if I had to go further......they all thought I was clean now, and that was fine with me.....besides it was no one's business but mine. I'd walked fast; I was there before I knew it. I had second thoughts. Perhaps I can fight this. Maybe if I go home and can just get through this night, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel will be in sight........no, no I couldn't resist, not this time. And anyway I was already here. He knew what I wanted as soon as he saw me. "Back again I see" He stated with a smug, self-satisfied smile. "yes, yes" I replied, fervently anticipating my next fix. I bought more than I needed. This much would probably last a typical person a week and a half at least......I'd be lucky to get three days out of it. I quickly paid and left. Eager to make my way home and get the relief I so craved. The walk home was a blur. I remember wrestling with myself, forcing back the urge to just stop right there and get reacquainted with the bliss I so desperately longed for. I wanted it....No I NEEDED it......not here though; no not here.....too many prying eyes. Eventually I made it home. After fumbling with the lock I finally slammed the door behind me and breathed a sigh of relief. My deliverance was at hand now. I took out double the standard amount......I was no greenhorn by any stretch of the imagination. And then! OHHHH what ecstasy! What a sublime ride I was now on! The next few minutes are hazy. It was all gone almost before it started. The only thing I can say for sure is...... God I love chocolate!

So I was just in one of those reminiscent moods this evening and I got to thinking of all the funny little moments in my life over the last year or so. SO for your reading pleasure, and in the spirit of my reminiscing, I'll recount a few. ************************************************** Setting and background: Me, Kim and a couple of other co-workers were all at work and somehow the conversation turned to underwear. Kim: "My pants are so lose, I wish I'd worn some cuter underwear today, just in case . I bought several really cute ones pairs the other day. One had "thrill me" written across the back. Another "love me" and the third pair had "tease me" on them" Me: "Don't worry Kim, I'm sure if your pants fall off people will tease you anyway." *************************************************** Setting and background: Again we're at work, this time it's me, Amber, and Scott. Amber: "Did you guys see that girl? She had the exact haircut I want to get." Me: "Which girl?" Amber: "The one that was just in here, Scott was flirting with her." Me: " *laughs* like that narrows it down." *************************************************** Setting and background: I'm hanging out with a friend of mine at her apartment. She's just taken a temporary job for the holidays working in a department store, and she's showing me photos she took with her phone. Amanda: "So that's what the place looks like, oh and this is one of my co-workers, she's a wrapper" Me: **very confused ** "That preppy looking white girl is a rapper?!?" ************************************************** Setting and background: I'm at work and handling hot pans when I accidently touch one against my stomach. Amber: "Oh no are you ok?" Me: "huh?" **Noticing** "Oh yeah, wow, didn't even notice, it didn't hurt at all." Amber: "whew, must have been all that padding (I'm wearing 2 shirts and an apron)" Me: " I really wish you'd rephrase that" ************************************************** Setting and background: Again I'm at work (can you tell I work too much?), and we're trying to remove an ugly, sticky stain from something. We had another co-worker who was REALLY obsessed with chemistry. You could be talking about anything and he'd tie it into chemistry somehow. Lauren: **sigh** "If only Ruston were here he could whip us up a solvent that would take that right out" ************************************************** Setting and background: I'm with my mom and she's telling someone about the new car she just bought, a Ford Focus. Friend: "what kind of car is it?" Mom: "it's a..uhh, oh shoot I can't remember the name now" Me: "Focus" Mom: "I'm trying" ************************************************* Setting and background: This actually took place about 2 years ago. My cousin had just finished telling us all a very sad story about a friend she had, who'd fallen into the tragic pattern of "cutting" or self-mutilation, and had to be hospitalized as a result. Grandmother: "Hmm, I just can't understand it. I'm one of the last people I'd want to mutilate." Everyone else: ************************************************* Setting and background: I was sitting in my Latin class last summer, and our professor was going over last night's assignment. Suddenly he became distracted. Professor: **Squinting and trying to read one of the girl's shirts** "what's your shirt say, and what's the arrow for?" Girl: **very embarrassed and laughing** "It says "I'm up here pervert" " ************************************************** Setting and background: This final one actually took place about 5 years ago, but it's definitely one of the worst incidences of bad timing I've ever experienced. I was in my high school speech class, and we'd just drawn our topics for the final speeches we had to give. Speech Teacher: "now remember everyone, I don't care if you guys swap topics, as long as SOMEONE does a speech on each of the topics." Me: "what did you get Philip?" Philip: "I have to give a speech about drug use among teenagers" Lacy: "I'm giving mine on premarital sex." Me: "eughh, I hate mine. It's about politics, I can't stand talking about politics." ***At this moment our Religion teacher walks in. I think I was one of her favorite students, and as well as telling the speech teacher something, she was there to let me know that I'd made an A on her final** Me: **turning to Lacy, without noticing the religion teacher walk in** "Hey Lacy, can I have your premarital sex?" R. Techer: "Kevin!!" Me: "No wait you don't understand!" R. Teacher: **walking out** "I don't want to hear it." I guess it coulda been worse, Philip could have been the one with the premarital sex ....I was so hot for him that year anyway!

So you guys ever hear something which makes perfect sense in the context, but you just stop and realize that if you actually try to picture it literally and take it out of it's context it's REALLY funny? I pretty much do that with everything. It makes life so much more interesting. I guess it's because I'm easily distractable and a fairly creative thinker. Here's one interesting example which took place a few days ago. I was sitting in my psychology of neurophsyiology class, the subject matter of which I absolutely hate, listening to my professor, whom I absolutely adore! (she's so fun and whacky), Anyway she was talking about animals becoming dependent on drugs and alcohol. And she was talking about how difficult it was to get the rats drunk, because "it's really hard to get a rat to drink straight alcohol." I mean ok that makes sense, rats don't like bitter tastes, it's a perfectly logical thing to say in the context. But if you just take it as a random comment, it's really funny. Even funnier if you actually imagine the little guy sitting on a tiny bar stool at a little miniature bar talking to the bar tender. Bar tender: "Can I get you some tequila shots?" Rat: "NO! I can't stand straight alcohol, but you can whip me up a Strawberry Margarita if you want." (The little guys like sweets) Of course it's even funnier when I realized I was just like the Rat! (I like mixed drinks better too, and I can't get enough sweets!) Then there's just the absudity which can be seen by a 3rd party witnessing a couple of perfectly normal people having a serious conversation about something mundane. I can still remember a couple of years ago (yeah that's how funny I thought it was, which is odd in and of itself considering it was rediculously NORMAL) I was in a waffle house and the waitress and cook were standing around talking. The cook says "you know I never even knew we had a ham salad" waitress: "you didn't", cook: "nope, I knew about the turkey salad, and the club salad, but no one ever orders the ham salad", waitress: "you're right the ham salad isn't as popular as the turkey, but some people get it."......they just went on and on about the apparent existance of the ham salad. And personally I think the phrase "I never even knew we had a ham salad." is kinda funny taken out of context. I mean imagine it taken REALLY out of context, and put into some new context. Just picture some poor women pacing back and forth in her living room, waiting for her husband and children to get home. The phone rings. "hello" says the women "hello, may I speak with Mrs. Jones" This is Mrs. Jones" "Ma'am, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, there's been an accident." "What! oh my heavens no!" "I'm afraid your husband ran a red light on the way home, the children are fine, but your husband is in intensive care." **Silence** "Ma'am are you okay?" "....yes, its jus...it's just that.... I never got a chance to tell him...I mean I never... Well "I never even knew we had a ham salad" Then there's the ever popular thoughts I have that make me stop and say to myself "wait, are you actually debating this in your head?". Maybe I've just got a strange internal monolgue, but last week I went to Wal-Mart, and among other things I was in the market for (see I think THAT'S kinda funny, I was "in the market for",,,I was in wal-mart because.....lol anyway) spaghetti sauce. So I'm walking up and down the isle saying to myself "well here's the salsa but I can't find the spaghetti sauce.", then I finally found it and I was trying to pick out which one to get "well this one's chunky, but this one has onions and bell peppers, I like onions and bell peppers. Oh wait here's one with mushrooms, I LOVE mushrooms, oh but it's more expensive than the one with onions and bell peppers. What's the sodium in these things anyway? Gee, if only they had one with mushrooms AND onions and bell peppers." And at the point I just stopped. I mean how many people walking past me in the isle would be trying to figure out what I'm thinking, and go with "gee, if only they had one with mushrooms AND onions and bell peppers.". It's actually a really soothing thought. I mean regardless of life's stresses and my other obligations, I'm still actually taking time to lement the fact that they don't make spaghetti sauce with mushrooms, onions and bell peppers. Of course it's actually really fun to try to figure out what's going on in OTHER people's heads while they're shopping. You know the kinda thing, where you see someone picking out strawberries and limes and things. And you just assume they're thinking "Geez, maybe now I can get that pesky little rodent drunk."