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Showing results for tags 'recovery'.
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My friend S had me call the cemetery yesterday, to check to see if C's family had ordered a headstone yet, or if they needed more cash -- those things are expensive. The cemetery sent a letter to his father, but I think they have the wrong address (they sent it within this state but last I knew, from not too many month's ago, his father lived one state over); but you'd think they would have confirmed the address they have on file??? They'll send another letter (to the same, possibly incorrect, address) saying that there is an anonymous person willing to assist with the funds needed for the headstone. S said I should just call his sister. I don't think she understands why I can't do that -- not now at least. I know - at least I think I know - the most likely reason why she didn't call me, but...... it still hurts that she didn't. And due to living with depression my entire life, there's this little voice whispering in the back of my mind that says maybe she didn't call because in spite of everything we talked about and everything we said through txt, C really didn't feel about me the way I think, the way I know, he did. We didn't discuss his family much. I'd have to hunt up her number online, but I could find her if I tried. A final reason is when we visited his grave, there was nothing there -- no other flowers, nothing; just bare dirt. It hurt so much to see that. I had expected to have to have found at least one small group of artificial flowers at least. I just don't think I could talk to C's sis without either breaking down or loosing my temper - or doing both. I hate feeling like an outsider intruding into "their business" That was at 3pm. Off and on throughout the rest of last night I had waves of crushing grief slam into me. Grief I haven't felt since the night I found his obit online. Surprised my blood pressure is still stable. Going to stop typing now. There seems to be water falling from my eyes.
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My writing has never been what I would call really inspired. It has been fun, cathartic on occasion and sometimes I'll come up with something I'm really proud of. In the past I've written stories with conspicuous drinking and drug use. As I was in active addiction for a lot of my life, that's my experience, I couldn't write normal kids playing baseball and living in non-dysfunctional families. I wouldn't know where to start. The feedback that I've gotten from Redemption is one that has really been gratifying and humbling. I think I REALLY hit a nerve with it. Going forward, I am going to address recovery. Specifically, I'm going to address the issues that young GLBT people face in recovery. Like the conflict between the 12 step higher power and the negative experience with religion many GLBT people have. Like the Lambda AA/NA groups that make many young people feel like a mackerel in a shark tank. Like going to a 12 step program and encountering homophobia Judging from what I've been hearing from people about Redemption, there is a lot of interest there and, maybe it can do some good.
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I intend this topic to be a general discussion of the story. I'll start with my hopes. First, I don't think I want or need to see a continuation of Chapter 1. Near the end, I had to stop a couple of times to breath and regroup. Before continuing I found myself glancing at the scroll bar to assure myself that I was almost done. I'm hoping for an honest portrayal of what it takes to bring Shade back from hell. I have high hopes for Dory, and would not be surprised if he guards Shade like a Doberman. This would force Dory to deal head on with the effects of Shade's abuse. I cannot yet imagine how he'll cope. I doubt Dory's had a challenge he could really sink his teeth into before (sorry ), so we don't yet know what he can do. How these two kids can be "adorable together" while they struggle over all of this is beyond me right now, but Nephylim will enlighten me.