its pretty late, I should be asleep.

i've been legit sober for about 2 days now, no weed and I don't drink enough (right now) to even count that. the reason for that is I have zero money and neither do my friends so we can't pinch a sack.

if I had money I would clearly purchase, but---- the feeling is nice to be 'sober'. I say that loosely as there are people in the world whose sober days are way more intense than my pussy crap. my head feels pretty heavy but its nice to know i just haven't done it.

it gives me satisfaction, maybe even a drop of happiness.

my parents have been gone for about 2 and a half weeks now and holy shit is it boring. I guess I don't appreciate my parents enough because I want them to come home. yeah screw their silly rules and regulations, i like having other warm bodies around the house. granted while they were away the mice were at play. plus I had to do laundry and clean the dishes and take care of the cats, ugh work to be done by women (my mom). they come back thursday.

back to satisfaciton, men satisfy me. they sure f**king do.

lately (the past 3-5 months) I have found myself heavily picking apart my relationships with friends and categorizing them. I keep telling myself that because I am slowly getting older that I need to view things different instead of looking at it like a kid I guess. Sometimes I'll have a train of thought that will just plow through my brain for no reason, out of the blue. and to be honest I sometimes confuse reality with other things. to me thats more interesting than professional response of you might need help.

I daydream so much now, I almost want to go to sleep so I can chase my dreams because I haven't had a solid dream for a while now a LONG while. I know dreams are very whimsy and you can remember and not remember. I read that smoking pot ruins your REM sleep cycle.

anyways, I daydream and it leans heavily to sexual shit. Even while I'm out and about, undressing people with my eyes, christ I do that all the time now even to my friends. I look at my friends now I want to f**k at least a few of them. I try to think up situations in which I could pull that off to, weirdo<---. I haven't gotten ass in a few weeks, maybe that could be it, but I sure am horny.

i'm horny for like, physicality. throwing someone up against a wall and eating off their face (see: making out) latenight hook-ups. I'm suprised I haven't looked at craiglist, thats pretty shady but I know better.

And I wouldn't say I am desperate, usually my pickiness is unfair. my mind has just been going in all sorts of directions lately and its fun and slightly frightening at the same time.

I wonder if anybody else has this, but; I have a friend, he and I hang out often. I think he is so delicious. I undress him with my eyes all the time and I'm pretty sure he is clueless. Who knows, but I just look at him, something to look at, to day dream about. I'll probably never get some, and come to think of it when I try to think of him in an intensly sexual way, it usually just drifts away. I have no idea why. I know it'll never happen but I don't care that it won't. He and I have kissed before, but that was in passing, I'm pretty sure he still remembers though which kind of gets me high. I do think of others in blissful euphoria, wrapped away with me in bedsheets, but this one with its feeling came to mind first.

I just like to think about it, I like to think to that point were there is a connection but I sever it because... I don't know. I don't see it romantically, which is all fine and dandy. Many of you look at people on any given day and have some sort of sexual fantasy played out in your mind. I think I'm running in circles trying to explain this as the exact feeling is hard to describe.

Certain things he does will annoy me but ONLY because I look at him in a way beyond some sort of friendship. You know, those little stupid things back in grade school when the boy or girl you were crushing on sat across the table from you instead of next to you and you get that slimy feeling in your stomach, like that.

Perhaps it is not as dire as it was then back in grade school, but the feeling is still there. It annoys me when I feel it because I know it is connected to me wanting his ass all for myself. Its a bit twisted and selfish actually, now that I think about it.

I don't lose sleep over this, no. Its just a game I play in my mind disproving my affections toward others, trying to figure myself out, the best person who knows you is YOU right?

this is just one of the various things I want to sit down with somebody and just talk to them about, I think that would be a therapist/shrink whatever, but I am unsure if I actually want to do something like that or who exactly to go to. not to say that I have a problem, I just want to discuss it with somebody. why my mind will do that, rather than that.

I feel sometimes I think way to hard. Boredom I think has a terrible effect. Its not even an actual THING, just a state of being/mind that f**ks with you. when your bored you think 100x faster and about more stuff, to name one of the symptoms. Probably need to go out and look harder for jobs. AND even midst this "nothing to do patch" which has been going on now for the past month or so, I've considered volunteering! Yes, another symptom is you do things you never would do in your right mind. Not to say volunteering is bad, but me....volunteering? Even you reading now is like, "f**k no. Helping others?" I remember Objectivist suggest that, silly goose

I've said enough, I can't go further with my lustful musings for the sake of losing what little hope I have left. That sounded pretty emo. I also don't even know what I am saying anymore, I lost it a while back up there.

Its gonna be like 81 tomorrow, beach day hollllaaa. I'm going to try and start writing this weekend, or get back into it as I haven't really written anything worthwhile in a few months.

i am pretty sure though my cure for my incessant thoughts of lust, failure, bitterness and overall sloth feeling, would be a good f**k. but you can't have it all. I'll take the lust though.

new southpark is on tomorrow (well er... tonight I guess) I'm on my spring break too, which is pretty failsauce right now since all my friends get back THE WEEK AFTER my spring break. bullshit. I'll make do though. In that spring break time, I've probably watched every single COPS episode on G4.

alright so like I said before, I've said enough.