(Pre-caution again. Nonsense and Babble.)

So I was talking about the hug. Urgh, I already miss it.

So the other day I was making playlists in my iTunes and decided to make a "Charles era songs". Altogether, until now, I've found 23 songs to fit in the playlist. Cried to several of them. Some of them was produced by Charles. Overall, songs that have special meaning to the friendship/one-sided love.

And this song was almost like the theme song of the era, call The Dance.

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end, the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have to miss the dance

The lyrics would best describe the feeling towards the past of Charles and I.

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So I was talking about the hug, and it all went downhill from there.

After the hug, the next day, I was feeling so bad that I need to leave the dorm. There were stairs at the corner of the dorm building that is seldom used. I went there after 11, just to keep my feelings in check. 15 minutes later I went back to my room and my roommate told me that Charles had left the dorm building in search of me. I was so happy in a way that he cared. (Side note: he had a girl friend who slitted and damaged her wrist because of the un-reciprocated love towards Charles that Charles was actually scared that I'd do something stupid.) So I ran down the stairs to stop Charles.

We two ended up sitting near the outdoors basketball court and talked for a couple of hours. I'll always remember the spot and generally the talk we had.

After the hug and the secnond talk, I became so willful. I began to take on the habit to leave the dorm at 11 at night, when the electricity was cut off. And I'd wander about the campus. I guess I did that because I wanted to feel that Charles cared about me. Because at first Charles would always text me the minute I left the dorm, even though he no longer went in search of me. (Because I told him I wouldn't do anything stupid.) I guess the text message was basically the reason why I went out.

And he stopped after a few weeks, I think. The text messages.

Afterwards, I no longer felt the care from him. Nor did I feel that he considered me a friend anymore. At a certain point, I thought he was afraid of me.

I began to stay up nights in a row. Just basically torturing myself. At one point, I developed hallucination and acousma. I'd see Charles or hear his voice out of the blue. I was a mess.

And I went back to read the blogs I wrote during that first time I fell in love with him. I shall cut and paste some of them here just to show how desperate and stupid I had been:

"I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT ME THAT'S GIVING UP OUR FRIENDSHIP..I TRIED EVERY WAY I CAN TO BETTER IT..I TRIED TO TALK OVERCOMING MY SHYNESS..AND IT'S YOU WHO NEGLECTED MY EVERY WORD.. I PREFER HATRED TO INDIFFERENCE..WHAT I DON'T WANT IS INDIFFERENCE FROM HIM..I PREFER HATRED..IT WOULD HURT ME MOST IF HE'S INDIFFERENT..BUT I'VE ACKNOWLEDGED THAT HE IS NO LONGER AFRAID OF ME BECAUSE OF HIS INDIFFERENCE.."

Just total nonsense.

Towards the end of the freshman year, things couldn't have been worst between us. As I see it now, it was all my fault.

And I thought at that time, I'd try to mend things around finals and the military training. Because we used to have meals together, several of us. So I thought that'd change things. And I thought since we'd prolly be training together, it'd better things.

Things turned out that Charles wasn't training with us. He was in another place training. It was forbidden to bring cell phone to the camp, but I did anyway. And I texted message to Charles every night during that fortnight. And I wrote diaries.

Charles was hurt towards the end of the training. And he got the last 7 messages I texted him. I didn't expect him to get any of the messages.

Things got better during the summer holidays. One thing he did convinced me that we were friends again. He told me that he got his girlfriend back, some way or the other. Here's the blog I wrote about it: (forgive the bad english, obviously my English back then was not as good as now.)

Titled: Lost.Suddenly.Cautiously

" 'i have her back'..when i heard this. what am i supposed to feel. and what am i supposed to say..i said congrats..when i first heard that news. (that he got his girl back) though the emotional collision (i think i meant the emotional impact) was very strong.but because it's not said from him, i found it not as strong as the time when he personally told me..i'm lost, suddenly and cautiously..but what is good about that is that he told me personally, so that means we are still "close" friends..that's good though.."

I believed it was the turning point that I believed he considered me his friend.

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I also once wrote a monlogue for class about his not considering me his friends. But i think enuf about now.

I should write a memoir out of these blogs I wrote about Charles. Also the sms that we exchanged during that time. (Yes, I have the sms' written down. )