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Roll on 2011


Nephylim

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I have been having such a hard time lately. I won't bore you with it all as I have been depressing enough in my statuses (if that is a word)

 

I have struggled with my epilepsy and in particular with not having a car. I have lost my mother and my ex posted up the fact that he is in a new relationship the day before the funeral... not a surprise or a regret but the timing was crap. My daughter got sick with diabetes and then went through hell as she was unable to afford to go to Law School to finish her last year and so she and her girlfriend came to stay with me.

 

Having 4 in the house instead of 2 have had its ups and downs. Having other adults around has been great but it is so bloody expensive. Add up the food (and Sam is a chef so it's not just fish fingers like it used to be), the added expense to rates, electricity, water etc. Then I had to give them all my savings to allow them to settle their bills and afford to travel to work before they had their first pay. So I am broke, wiped out.

 

The deal was that they didn't give me any money but would do all the housework, particularly as they use every dish in the house when they cook. THey have cleaner their room weekly and the rest of the house once. At least after I spoke sternly they are now doing the dishes.

 

I am exhausted.

 

We have decorated for Christmas and getting excited. My daughter gave me

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I am really sorry to hear all of that. It's so depressing the way this world is getting, everything thats happening all around us, the war, the fighting, the dieing economy. Things are so hard for alot of people, I am so sorry you are going through so much and I am sorry I can't offer you more.

 

I'm not going to tell you that everything will get better, that it always does because as time has gone on, the entire world has just gotten worse.

 

Maybe some day in the furniture everyone will find peace and harmony but I won't promise that will happen.

 

:hug: It's not a real hug but it's the best I can offer. I don't know if it is foolish to believe in 2012 or even hope for it but whatever happens, if anything, I just hope it brings an end to everyones suffering, either by taking us all out so we can move to the next stage of existance or some miracle recovery for the world.

 

If you need to talk, you can always message me.

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Hugs Nephy. Sometimes when a person is very strong others forget they have moments of vulnerability and need as well. I'm sorry you can't get what you need to nurture you as a person, sacrificing your happiness for your child is very very admirable. I know as a parent we're supposed to but 'supposed to' doesn't make it any easier. I admire your choices, I know how hard they are. Hugs and luvs!!

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Don't say sorry for ranting, your only human! Besides, we all do it, which is why writing + expressing them bad demons is like therapy for the soul. <BR><BR>The lonliness, I would like to think that I know how you feel (always a common motive behind my blogs =] ), however we are deal with it differently under certain circumstances. And although u say that love is looking hopeless to you, I still <U>believe</U> that love happens when you least expect it too, and that love is only impossible if you let it. So never ever tell yourself that it won't happen, because everyone, and I mean everyone should be loved and treated as a princess/prince/[inser preferance here] (don't you lie to me ;))! <BR><BR>I know I might sound like a lunatic (surprise surprise *roll eyes*) when I say this, but what your going through with your family will definately make you stronger not only as a family, but as a person. <BR>You will find stength from your weakness, and in the end you will overcome them. From what I know, You know how to love, how to care, how to feel with your heart, you appreciate others compasionately, and you are inspirational just by being yourself! Thus, you will always have something that nobody in the world can ever take away from you: love, which is what makes your heart beat telling you not to give up even in your darkest hours. You've taught your family that when they're alone and the courage isn't enough... to Never forget that they'll never lose your love, that in open arms they are safe from fear and safe from harm. Tell that to yourself and you will realize just how much you will be loved in return, and that although life may plauge you with much loss sometimes; there are just some things that it can never ever take away.<BR><BR><BR><BR>xoxo take care dear <3<BR>Your Friend,<BR><BR>MidnightSecret

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I won't patronise you with some glorified 'it gets better' crap, but it sounds like you need to get more selfish on the financial front.

 

I mean, yeah, fair enough, I don't have kids, so I can't really relate to the whole 'I'd do anything for them' thing, but the stress is making you physically ill. Furthermore, you're digging yourself a financial hole to provide for two ADULTS who have JOBS. Yes, charity is in your nature, but they're ADULTS with JOBS. You're taking on an unnecessary financial burden, to provide for two people who have the means to ease that financial burden.

 

Hell, they might not even realise the stress they're putting you under right now. But, in my experience, if you allow yourself to be a doormat, people will happily walk all over you.

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Thank you everyone :)

 

As expected my natural optimism has reasserted itself and I'm fine today... well apart from the toothache.

 

I believe in love. I believe totally but sometimes, when I feel particuarly lonely... you know, with Christmas coming up and all... I'm very unoptimistic about it. I have said it often enough and it is a belief I live by... I would never turn love away no matter how it packages itself. All I ask is that they love me as I am and let me be myself. Unfortunately myself does not fit in where I live r where I work so...

 

 

But that's okay mostly. I don't feel down today. I have had a little talk to my daughter. She pouted for a while but then she cleaned the house, put the cleaner over and cooked me beans on toast for lunch :) It was really really hard to sit here and watch her do it but I did and I think it's a minor victory. As you say Matty I have spent most of my life being a doormat and mosty I really don't mind being walked on because I get pleasure out of seeing other people happy. Its just that sometimes I get to a place where I don't have any more to give.

 

Anyway... back again. Optimism in gear and excitement about Christmas reasserted. It helps that most of Ef's christmas presents arrived today and my Christmas shopping is pretty much done.

 

Technically I don''t celebrate Christmas so there won't be any nativity. I celebrate Yule a few days late and that is all about rebirth and change for the better. In the heart of the wood is the heat of the flame. So I am hoping that 2011 will bring a change for the better for me. I am optimistic about that... mostly :)

 

:hug: Everyone

 

 

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I am glad your natural up-ness is back though I'm even gladder (yes I know, silly word. Blame Pollyanna a guilty pleasure of mine to watch) Anyway, even gladder you were able to vent to us and let it out. Whether or not saying what you were feeling will do any good and the fact that the pat answers don't help (not that we tried to give you any), you got it out. Sometimes that is all that is needed to really feel like someone is noticing you and how you really feel. Believe me, you have a ton of people here who care and are with you in spirit. Hugs!

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Sssshhhhh *conspiratorial whisper* I have a Pollyanna thing going on too :)

 

And yeah... it's really great to know that there are pepople to vent to who actually care what I have to say and what I feel. It feels really great and I am thankful and grateful for every one of you :)

 

 

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Awww Nephy

 

I never knew you were this down :(

 

I'm always on the other end of an email if you just need to chat to someone :) I'm willing to listen :)

 

:P now cheer up or i'll send my friends after you :P

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If they're young free and single and don't mind being tied up and bitten then go ahead. On second thoughts... don't tell them about the tying up and biting thing :)

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