Eek! Sorry! How does one delete a comment? pushed the wrong button!

As a parent I sometimes worry that decissions I make concerning my kids may end up being wrong, but I always try to do what I think is best for them. And I do mean what is best for them, not what is best for me so it must be best for them. I want them to live their lives as they see fit, not the life I might want them to have. That's their right and I just hope that by the time they are adults that I've given them the basic foundation to be decent, productive members of society.

Your Mother sounds like a lovely woman. And she wants you to have the opportunity to live your life as you see fit to do. She has certain responsibilities in her life that are just that, her's. She doesn't want you to feel that you have to be an extension of her, and therefore, be responsible for any of her decissions. Live your life. Sounds like she did a good job of that basic foundation and if, in the future, she needs your support she'll let you know. And she knows you'll be there for her.

Sharon

Kevin,

I couldn't have said it better then Sharon..go live your life..Your Mom wants you to live your life....the issues will be there...and whoever said there aren't things like emails? phone calls? visits? Dare I say when your Mom needs a break, she will have a place to stay with you!

It took my BFF, who knows my family well, to remind me that my family members live their lives and then do their best to try and tell me what to do (I am now 46 and they still try) As my friend Thora told me, they go and live their lives, why shouldn't you and be happy......As she explained to me, I could have brought home a wife and they would still have issues with me......The point being is your Mom will always be there...she has given you great values (they shine through quite well) and a Mom is a Mom...there for help/love/support and knows when you need to fly with your own wings...Your Mom knows this....so maybe if you express your anxiety in starting a new life, she can help you sort it out..but don't let others issues and stuff get in your way...they will be there whether you are in the same town or a zillion miles away...

Your Mom and Sharon speak wisdom and love...run with it!

Set down a plan, find a city you love and want to set roots in (even for a year or so), find a job you love..get the graduate degree going with a plan.....if its writing then find universities that specialize in that. Talk to your English Department where you are now, find a mentor and work together to achieve your goals. And as writers say, write every day, even if you think it sucks..its how you grow...and stretch...bring in life's experiences....and so on.

Time to spread your wings and fly away and your Mom and the other Angels in your life will always be there....

As my Dad finally told me when I came out to him (just like your Mom.they just know..."go be happy, find someone you love and live your life")

Your Mom is wise and trust me Sharon is wise....listen to the Moms:) They just know!

Good Luck...go be happy....(even if it will involve growing pains and being scared....its ok Grasshopper....its all good stuff:)

Michael

Hi Kevin,

All I can offer is this...

Follow your heart and...

As a mom myself, I would want you to make the most of your possibilities and future. I think it's definitely commendable that you don't want to just jump ship and abandon your mom/family while things are getting tough, but that just goes to show you what a great job your mom did on you Besides, I would feel guilty if I kept my highly intelligent and educated son from being all he could be...

Smiles, Viv

As for sociology, well all I could do with basically is teach sociology, which wouldn't be that bad, but probably not THAT fulfilling either.

Hey Kevin,

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and the other comments here have made good points about your Mom, etc.

I'll have to disagree with the above statement you made about Sociology. My BF is a professor of Sociology, so I have been exposed to MANY people who have either a Bachelors, Masters, and/or PhD in Sociology. At all three levels, there are a variety of different careers to choose from. I just wanted to dispell your notion that all you could do with a Soc degree is teach. And as far as writing, that's all my BF seems to do .

Here's a good resource from the American Sociological site on careers in sociology:

http://www.asanet.org/page.ww?section=Care...rs+in+Sociology

Also, as far as interests in Sociology, my BF teaches and does research on Gay and Lesbian studies. Thus he's able to combine sociology with something that is very important to him.

Anywho, good luck on whatever you decide. If you need any more information about careers in Sociology, I'd suggest discussing things with one of your Soc professors there. Or if you have any questions, I could pass them to my BF.

Take Care,

Vic

Heya Kevin

I guess that I am just echoing what everyone else had said.

It sometimes difficult being a mum and hoping that the decisions we make and the way we bring our kids up will make them good citizens, able to weather the storms of life, to be happy with their lives and to know that they are loved because of themselves and not because of the things that they do or don't do.

Kevin, your mum sounds great. Relax in the fact that she loves you unconditionally and unreservedly. That hs been her goal as a mum and she has achieved it.

Do what you need to do, knowing you have your mums full blessing. Nothing will make her happier than to know that you are happy! Trust me on this...I am a mum of an almost adult son and I know what I am talking about.

Bev

I'm also a fairly "compartmentalized" person,

 

{snip}

 

I'd always wanted to be a psychologist, but I don't think I'd be able to keep enough "distance". I mean I think I'd just want to get up and hug the person and be their friend, which may not exactly be the best thing for a therapist.

Put those two statements together, and perhaps you'd do better than you think you will.

You'll have to work at it, and deal with your need to be needed, and learn to put the patients' needs above that.

But wouldn't any good caring person have to do that to be a helpful therapist? And you know what to watch out for.

Or you might want to consider some other flavor of psychologist other than therapist.

I'm not trying to talk you into or out of anything, just pointing out different bits of the self-understanding you expressed and suggesting that you look at what they say about each other.

AFF-

I am fellow Southner who decided to stay. If I had it to do over again, I would have left.

People in the South are two faced little b*tches. If they know that you are gay, they will be one way to your face and screw you over behind your back.

They have been indoctrinated by generations of religious fanatics. Even if they don't go to church, it is part of their culture. They know that gay people are evil and feel nothing about betraying you, screwing you over or using you.

To them, you are not quite human. It doesn't matter what they do to you.

Get out while you are young enough to build yourself a life in a place where you will be allowed to have a life.

-James

Eek! Sorry! How does one delete a comment? pushed the wrong button!

LOL I don't think you can, just have to make the best of it once you do it I think. LOL once a few years ago I meant to call someone, but out of habit dialed the number to a good friend of mine instead. Boy I was surprised when he picked up instead of the person I mean to call! LOL I just said "hey! I was just calling to chat......" lol reminded me of that

As a parent I sometimes worry that decissions I make concerning my kids may end up being wrong, but I always try to do what I think is best for them. And I do mean what is best for them, not what is best for me so it must be best for them. I want them to live their lives as they see fit, not the life I might want them to have. That's their right and I just hope that by the time they are adults that I've given them the basic foundation to be decent, productive members of society.

 

Your Mother sounds like a lovely woman. And she wants you to have the opportunity to live your life as you see fit to do. She has certain responsibilities in her life that are just that, her's. She doesn't want you to feel that you have to be an extension of her, and therefore, be responsible for any of her decissions. Live your life. Sounds like she did a good job of that basic foundation and if, in the future, she needs your support she'll let you know. And she knows you'll be there for her.

 

Sharon

Thanks Sharon, I'm sure you're right, she probably doesn't want me to feel that her responsiblities are mine. But I still feel that way, in that it's as much my family as hers. And while it's true that it would be her responsibility to look after her elderly parents, in a way they "raised" me too, so I certainly feel the same way. I just hope you're right; that she will let me know if there's anything I can do. Anyway thank you, and have an awesome day!

Kevin

Kevin,

 

I couldn't have said it better then Sharon..go live your life..Your Mom wants you to live your life....the issues will be there...and whoever said there aren't things like emails? phone calls? visits? Dare I say when your Mom needs a break, she will have a place to stay with you!

 

It took my BFF, who knows my family well, to remind me that my family members live their lives and then do their best to try and tell me what to do (I am now 46 and they still try) As my friend Thora told me, they go and live their lives, why shouldn't you and be happy......As she explained to me, I could have brought home a wife and they would still have issues with me......The point being is your Mom will always be there...she has given you great values (they shine through quite well) and a Mom is a Mom...there for help/love/support and knows when you need to fly with your own wings...Your Mom knows this....so maybe if you express your anxiety in starting a new life, she can help you sort it out..but don't let others issues and stuff get in your way...they will be there whether you are in the same town or a zillion miles away...

 

Your Mom and Sharon speak wisdom and love...run with it!

 

Set down a plan, find a city you love and want to set roots in (even for a year or so), find a job you love..get the graduate degree going with a plan.....if its writing then find universities that specialize in that. Talk to your English Department where you are now, find a mentor and work together to achieve your goals. And as writers say, write every day, even if you think it sucks..its how you grow...and stretch...bring in life's experiences....and so on.

 

Time to spread your wings and fly away and your Mom and the other Angels in your life will always be there....

 

As my Dad finally told me when I came out to him (just like your Mom.they just know..."go be happy, find someone you love and live your life")

 

Your Mom is wise and trust me Sharon is wise....listen to the Moms:) They just know!

 

Good Luck...go be happy....(even if it will involve growing pains and being scared....its ok Grasshopper....its all good stuff:)

 

Michael

Thank you Michael, I think you're right. I know I do need to go and find my own city, boyfriend, career. I'm happy and content in the present, but I'll need those things to have a fulfilling future. My only trouble is deciding if I should postpone it until a more opportune time, or if I should just go with it now, and hope that I can offer any support needed via calls and visits. And yes I am pretty sure I need to this, and probably won't be happy if I put it off. So I will

You're definitely right about the need to write something every day too. I've gotten that advice before, and know it to be sage. I'm just so.....lazy I guess, and can't seem to stick to it. LOL Unless of course you count blog posting as "writing something" Anyway thank you and have an awesome day (hope your cold etc. is all cleared up too btw)

Kevin

Hi Kevin,

 

All I can offer is this...

 

Follow your heart and...

 

As a mom myself, I would want you to make the most of your possibilities and future. I think it's definitely commendable that you don't want to just jump ship and abandon your mom/family while things are getting tough, but that just goes to show you what a great job your mom did on you Besides, I would feel guilty if I kept my highly intelligent and educated son from being all he could be...

 

Smiles, Viv

Aww thank you Viv! Those were very kind things of you to say . And I also know that I would feel that way if I had a child. And I definitely think you're right, in the end I'll have to follow my heart, and right now I think it's time for me to deal with romantic/career aspects of my life I just hope I can sort it out. Anyway thanks again (and BTW I really LOVED you're story) Take care and have a great day!

Kevin

Hey Kevin,

 

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and the other comments here have made good points about your Mom, etc.

 

I'll have to disagree with the above statement you made about Sociology. My BF is a professor of Sociology, so I have been exposed to MANY people who have either a Bachelors, Masters, and/or PhD in Sociology. At all three levels, there are a variety of different careers to choose from. I just wanted to dispell your notion that all you could do with a Soc degree is teach. And as far as writing, that's all my BF seems to do .

 

Here's a good resource from the American Sociological site on careers in sociology:

 

http://www.asanet.org/page.ww?section=Care...rs+in+Sociology

 

Also, as far as interests in Sociology, my BF teaches and does research on Gay and Lesbian studies. Thus he's able to combine sociology with something that is very important to him.

 

Anywho, good luck on whatever you decide. If you need any more information about careers in Sociology, I'd suggest discussing things with one of your Soc professors there. Or if you have any questions, I could pass them to my BF.

 

Take Care,

 

Vic

Hey Vic!

Sorry I in no way meant to "dis" sociology, I really love it actually and find it very interesting. I actually had considered the option of doing like field studies into the gay community or something and trying to help dispell unhealthy myths and stereotypes. I guess it's still a possibility and actually even on the issue of ultimately being a professor, that wouldn't be so bad either. I suspect in the end I'll end up SOME kind of professor, and hopefully write on the side. Just for the most part I'm turned off by doing research, though I'm definitely more turned off by psychological research than sociological research.

Thanks also for the link, I check it out some and will go through it in more detail later

Have an awesome day, take care and thanks again!

Kevin

Heya Kevin

 

I guess that I am just echoing what everyone else had said.

 

It sometimes difficult being a mum and hoping that the decisions we make and the way we bring our kids up will make them good citizens, able to weather the storms of life, to be happy with their lives and to know that they are loved because of themselves and not because of the things that they do or don't do.

 

Kevin, your mum sounds great. Relax in the fact that she loves you unconditionally and unreservedly. That hs been her goal as a mum and she has achieved it.

 

Do what you need to do, knowing you have your mums full blessing. Nothing will make her happier than to know that you are happy! Trust me on this...I am a mum of an almost adult son and I know what I am talking about.

 

Bev

Thanks Bev! And I must say your son is very lucky to have a mother like you . I am happy and try to let her know it. And you all are right, I think I must make a good start on getting my life in order and starting down my "path". Thanks again for the kind post, and have a really awesome day, take care

Kevin

Put those two statements together, and perhaps you'd do better than you think you will.

 

You'll have to work at it, and deal with your need to be needed, and learn to put the patients' needs above that.

 

But wouldn't any good caring person have to do that to be a helpful therapist? And you know what to watch out for.

 

Or you might want to consider some other flavor of psychologist other than therapist.

 

I'm not trying to talk you into or out of anything, just pointing out different bits of the self-understanding you expressed and suggesting that you look at what they say about each other.

Hey Glomph,

Thanks for pointing that out, it does give me something to think about. I hadn't really realized the contradiction before. And you're right I have got a problem with needing to be needed. LOL I need to work on that. Also I don't think I'd like any other aspect of psychology with the possible exception of becoming a prof., but in order to get tenure I'd have to conduct research, which is really what puts me off of the whole thing. I think I'd like the clinical aspect, except that it might be hard to not get emotionally involved....Anyway thanks for giving me something to think about, and have an awesome day!

Kevin

AFF-

 

I am fellow Southner who decided to stay. If I had it to do over again, I would have left.

 

People in the South are two faced little b*tches. If they know that you are gay, they will be one way to your face and screw you over behind your back.

 

They have been indoctrinated by generations of religious fanatics. Even if they don't go to church, it is part of their culture. They know that gay people are evil and feel nothing about betraying you, screwing you over or using you.

 

To them, you are not quite human. It doesn't matter what they do to you.

 

Get out while you are young enough to build yourself a life in a place where you will be allowed to have a life.

 

-James

Hey James,

Thanks for the advice, I know what you mean. Intolerence is, sadly, engrained in the culture. Unfortunately I was considering Texas as my new location....lol, but Houston, so I figured it might not be as bad there. Anyway ultimately, not to be unpatriotic, but I thought it would be cool to move to Canada. I've known many Canadians through various things and literally never met one I didn't think was really cool and nice. Anyway thanks, and even if I did stay around for awhile, I don't plan to spend the rest of my life here. Take care and have a great day!

Kevin

Hey Kevin,

You've been given good advice and I'm so glad you think you should go with it. I would be conflicted in much the same way if I were in your shoes (indeed, I was, when my own situation at your age was similar).

One of my biggest concerns for you is that you feel you couldn't be out if you stay. You would either have to suppress your identity or live a double life, perhaps even lying to your family at times in order to keep up the deception. Neither option has much appeal, and both have the potential for much pain. I'm sure you've learned that already. It doesn't get easier as you get older, in fact, probably harder.

I don't think I know anyone who is out who would go back in the closet if they could. The likelihood that you will be happy and well adjusted and that you'll find a partner who is the same goes up exponentially if you are able to live honestly. I hope that soon you'll be in a place where you can do that, while still staying connected to your loved ones.

M

P.S. Yeah - Canada's pretty cool. My fianc

Kevin,

You said you are worried about whether this is a good time to go on and do what you want to do. Here is a hint..there is never a good time...but there is always something that happens...life goes on, so go live your life before you wake up and see oops...I missed that opportunity.....

Go forth, be free, live and be prosper..and yes, I would say blog writing counts.....

write about anything...practice, practice and more practice...

I am betting the Moms here will say go forth...unless you are going to be full time care giver to your Grandpa, there isn't much you can do about his situation...the rest will be ok..and there are trains, planes, automobiles if you need to get back home...

Now, get out there and find your husband (I have often wished I was born Canadian...so much more acceptance there then here)

In any event, you may even wish to leave the South....expand your horizons, see what institutes of higher learning will help you get where you need to be..maybe even consider doing that first before you do the job thing...sometimes it gets harder to get back into the education mode after being in the working world...just a thought..explore both sides of the coin, see what fits...

And remember Sharon and Bev are wise Moms.....and so is yours..so the Three Wise Moms are saying go and venture forth into the world and be free and happy:) hmmm...I am betting the Three Wise Moms have something in that thought!!

Michael

Hey Kevin,

 

You've been given good advice and I'm so glad you think you should go with it. I would be conflicted in much the same way if I were in your shoes (indeed, I was, when my own situation at your age was similar).

 

One of my biggest concerns for you is that you feel you couldn't be out if you stay. You would either have to suppress your identity or live a double life, perhaps even lying to your family at times in order to keep up the deception. Neither option has much appeal, and both have the potential for much pain. I'm sure you've learned that already. It doesn't get easier as you get older, in fact, probably harder.

 

I don't think I know anyone who is out who would go back in the closet if they could. The likelihood that you will be happy and well adjusted and that you'll find a partner who is the same goes up exponentially if you are able to live honestly. I hope that soon you'll be in a place where you can do that, while still staying connected to your loved ones.

 

M

 

P.S. Yeah - Canada's pretty cool. My fianc

Kevin,

 

You said you are worried about whether this is a good time to go on and do what you want to do. Here is a hint..there is never a good time...but there is always something that happens...life goes on, so go live your life before you wake up and see oops...I missed that opportunity.....

 

Go forth, be free, live and be prosper..and yes, I would say blog writing counts.....

 

write about anything...practice, practice and more practice...

 

I am betting the Moms here will say go forth...unless you are going to be full time care giver to your Grandpa, there isn't much you can do about his situation...the rest will be ok..and there are trains, planes, automobiles if you need to get back home...

 

Now, get out there and find your husband (I have often wished I was born Canadian...so much more acceptance there then here)

 

In any event, you may even wish to leave the South....expand your horizons, see what institutes of higher learning will help you get where you need to be..maybe even consider doing that first before you do the job thing...sometimes it gets harder to get back into the education mode after being in the working world...just a thought..explore both sides of the coin, see what fits...

 

And remember Sharon and Bev are wise Moms.....and so is yours..so the Three Wise Moms are saying go and venture forth into the world and be free and happy:) hmmm...I am betting the Three Wise Moms have something in that thought!!

 

Michael

Thanks Michael! I really think I will, I feel better now, especially since I'm done with finals. Now I really need to turn my attention to grad. school applications! And particularly trying to write something worth submitting. Thanks again, and have a great day

Kevin

I think I'd like the clinical aspect, except that it might be hard to not get emotionally involved....

And what's wrong with getting emotionally involved?

Wouldn't it be worse to be indifferent or cynical?

You can care, but manage to keep an appropriate professional relationship..

Not that it's always easy.

Kevin,

Having now read back through your blog, I really appreciate the generosity with which you respond to the people who post comments on it.

I was thrilled to read about your mum's visit and your talk with her. Way to go! You are blessed to have such a mother, and it's apparent where you get some of your good qualities.

Reading your reply, I'm afraifd that I may have conveyed the wrong impression in two respects:

 

Hey Andronicus,

 

... It's complicated why I'm not "out", ...

I hope that you didn't feel as though I was questioning your decision about who you are currently out to, or being critical of it in any way. Far from it on either count. You are quite articulate, and I completely got why you've decided as you have for now. My own coming out was gradual and guarded, and very much guided by consideration for the feelings of the other parties, so I have a lot of respect for how you've gone about this. My concern was if you were going to continue in the current mode for the long term (that path could well be marked "here be dragons"), and you seem to have pretty much decided not to do that (muted woo-hoo!).

 

... and don't worry I actually think all in all, I am fairly well-adjusted ...

Yikes! I think you are too, and I really hope you didn't think I thought otherwise. It's just that I'm not sure if you would have stayed that way over the long term if you opted to stay rather than go. For many people the pressure of the closet is cumulative, not constant.

My main point, and I should have stressed it, is that your likelihood of meeting a well-adjusted partner is much greater if you are living honestly yourself. To say nothing of the fact that the likelihood that such a person will see you as a potential partner is greater, too. I know some guys who simply won't seriously consider someone who isn't out, and for reasons that I quite understand.

I guess I made that observation (originally and here) because I am decidedly in the camp of your readers who think that you are going to make someone very happy one day, and I'd prefer it be sooner rather than later.

Your guy is out there somewhere, right now. That's quite encouraging, if you think about it. When I realised that for myself I started praying for him (actually praying for him, his well-being, not just that I would meet him), even though we probably hadn't met yet. We hadn't. Just before we met, someone told my fianc

I think I'd like the clinical aspect, except that it might be hard to not get emotionally involved....

 

And what's wrong with getting emotionally involved?

 

Wouldn't it be worse to be indifferent or cynical?

 

You can care, but manage to keep an appropriate professional relationship..

 

Not that it's always easy.

Thanks Glomph,

I guess you're right it would be worse to be indifferent or cynical. I was just thinking it would be tough to go home and leave the problems at the office so to speak. But you're right, eventually I might get better at maintaining a professional relationship. I'm still not really sure, I definitely need to sit down and sort out what I want to apply in: psychology, sociology, or literature/writing. LOL and I'd better hurry! Thanks again for giving me something to think about, and have a great day.

Kevin

Kevin,

 

Having now read back through your blog, I really appreciate the generosity with which you respond to the people who post comments on it.

 

I was thrilled to read about your mum's visit and your talk with her. Way to go! You are blessed to have such a mother, and it's apparent where you get some of your good qualities.

 

Reading your reply, I'm afraifd that I may have conveyed the wrong impression in two respects:

Hey Andronicus!

Thanks very much for your kind words. I appreciate the time you and everyone else put into reading my (often long, rambling) blog, and any and all input is always welcome.

I hope that you didn't feel as though I was questioning your decision about who you are currently out to, or being critical of it in any way. Far from it on either count. You are quite articulate, and I completely got why you've decided as you have for now. My own coming out was gradual and guarded, and very much guided by consideration for the feelings of the other parties, so I have a lot of respect for how you've gone about this. My concern was if you were going to continue in the current mode for the long term (that path could well be marked "here be dragons"), and you seem to have pretty much decided not to do that (muted woo-hoo!).

Don't worry I didn't take what you meant that way at all, I just wanted to explain more about why I wasn't. And you're right it would have gotten increasingly difficult had I decided to stay, and I probably would have ended up coming up. I just more weighed the pros and cons and decided that I'd just stick it out for another few months.

Yikes! I think you are too, and I really hope you didn't think I thought otherwise. It's just that I'm not sure if you would have stayed that way over the long term if you opted to stay rather than go. For many people the pressure of the closet is cumulative, not constant.

 

My main point, and I should have stressed it, is that your likelihood of meeting a well-adjusted partner is much greater if you are living honestly yourself. To say nothing of the fact that the likelihood that such a person will see you as a potential partner is greater, too. I know some guys who simply won't seriously consider someone who isn't out, and for reasons that I quite understand.

 

I guess I made that observation (originally and here) because I am decidedly in the camp of your readers who think that you are going to make someone very happy one day, and I'd prefer it be sooner rather than later.

Thanks again, that's very very nice of you to say! . LOL and I didn't mean to imply that I was that well-adjusted anyway, I definitely got some stuff I should work on. I also definitely agree with your observation that some guys wouldn't even think about dating someone in the closet. I also think that's a pretty valid position. It definitely makes things more complicated, and I wouldn't want to put my boyfriend through that anyway. In fact the main impetus for me coming out to my mom at all, wasn't just for our relationship, but also largely because I realized I'd never want to keep her and a potential serious relationship apart. I'd want them to get to know each other etc. Anyway thanks again for the concern, and don't worry I took no offense at all

Your guy is out there somewhere, right now. That's quite encouraging, if you think about it. When I realised that for myself I started praying for him (actually praying for him, his well-being, not just that I would meet him), even though we probably hadn't met yet. We hadn't. Just before we met, someone told my fianc

Hi Kevin,

I wish I could give you some kind of advise, but I really don't know a lot about where you live. One thing though....Where we live is considered the south, and trust me, there are A LOT of rednecks here, but Im totally out, even at school...of course, like a friend told me once, me trying to hide being gay is like trying to hide a whale in a broom closet..lol...anyway,my point is, if you do come out where your family is, it might not be so bad. Good luck either way, though.......

Nick