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So I'm 23. And emotionally edgy. And other stuffs / updates.

Kev de Cauchery

Entry posted by Kev de Cauchery

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I was debating whether I should write this blog, but then I thought I'm not here as often anymore, so I guess a blog might be good. <--Whatever, that doesn't make sense. Talk about randomness.

 

Talking about updates, so I'm here now in Sydney, Australia. Meh.

 

But then one of the good sides is that now I can do Youtube! One of the videos I've been watching religiously daily is Joel Burns' "It Gets Better"

, supposedly one of the best It Gets Better video of all time. I know the video's ancient or whatever, but I had it in my bookmarks before I could watch it. Then comes my emotions. I've been watching it daily and it gets to me every time. I wonder why. :/ I can use some emotional stability.

 

Anyway, I've been feeling all this self-hatred and stupid insecurity ever since I've arrived in Oz. The self-hatred exploded after a particular incident.

So there's a gay community/society/group in my uni called Shades. I only joined online thru Facebook so I didn't know anyone before i went to this supposed party at school. I was late that day by an hour because of classes arrangements and when i reached the bar, people are already congregating and I felt like not having the courage or anything to strike up a convo with anyone there.

So I went home alone, with this enormous self hatred. I twitted: "I officially hate myself. This hatred is dangerous too. I'm gonna be lonely from now on. I don't care about Joel Burns' speechless moment when he met JD Angle."

So I was bathed in this remorseful sadness.

 

 

And then came my birthday a couple days ago. Since I was convinced that i'm gonna die alone, I couldn't help being overwhelmed by this love i felt from the friends, back at home and here at GA wishing me a happy one. I thought to myself, "Even though I may have to die alone, it doesn't feel so bad now that I feel this love."

 

Five minutes after this particular thought, I cried, for the first time in Oz, because of a stupid song, whose lyrics talked about you'd have to wait before love comes or whatever "Grape won't turn into wine before they're mature(?)" or something. just stupid, but i cried anyway.

 

And just now I came across that story about a mom who's gonna love his son whether his gay or not or something. and i got so emotional.

 

Gosh! what is wrong with me anyway. I feel like I've been having too many ups and downs concerning my emotions ever since I'm here. sick of it already.

 

 

 

 

So yeah, i'm 23 now. As PlugInMatty would say, "Nobody likes you when you're 23."

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry I've taken whoever read this their time for posting this complete boring randomness. :thumbdown:

 

 

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Nephylim

Nephylim 14,881

Posted

You didn't waste anyone's time. If anyone read and thought... god that was boring... then they would have wasted their own time. My time is not yours to waste or not to waste.

 

As it happens reading your blog wasn't a waste of anyone's time. The YouTube was inspiring, the sentiments touching, well... apart from the really really stupid part... you know... the bit where you said that no one likes you when you're 23... try being 46... oh right, you will in 23 years... wow I am exactly double your age... we're practically twins.

 

So worry about yourself and no one else... and then stop worrying. Easier said than done but at least try... oh, and there's nothing wrong with being emotional, as long as you don't fight against it.

 

hugs.

  • Like 1
Y_B

Y_B 634

Posted

I get you.

 

Kevin, there's nothing wrong with you or how you're feeling. Most people have been exactly where you are and most people our age are still learning and working their way through a mess of thoughts/emotions. You don't stop growing at 23...or 33 for that matter. If it's being gay you're uncomfortable about, welcome to the club. If it's just insecurity or awkwardness you feel in general, well that's something you will have to take in stride at your own pace, but I see you in a positive light.

 

As far as dying alone...I don't think that's going to happen, and that's not something that need concern. We are social creatures but we inevitably live lives as individuals and you gotta take care of yourself before you can do a good job of taking care of others. Our love lives seem like everything at the moment and I'm not gonna tell you it cannot be or that you ought to think about something else, but I will say that it's one of those things that you can't fully be in control over and its this lack of control that brings anxiety into the equation. As my mom always tells me, "focus on things you do have control over, so when the rest comes, you'll be best prepared". And the rest will come.

 

And f*ck what PluginMatty said, that's horsesh*t.

  • Like 1
Toast

Toast 1,951

Posted

You're a wonderful guy Kevin.

Kev de Cauchery

Kev de Cauchery 177

Posted

.And f*ck what PluginMatty said, that's horsesh*t.

Don't go around talking about Matty like that. It's just a blog's name I think he put down a (couple o) year(s) ago and I kinda misquoted it and twisted its meaning. Anyway. What I was saying is that's for the dramatic effect.

 

 

 

I have yet to fully wake up so I'll reply later, I guess.

Marzipan

Marzipan 963

Posted

Love, I am sorry you feel alone. :hug: I like you a loooot!!!!! So much that I can't even describe it :D Everyone who doesn't see how amazing you are is a fool. Take care :wub:

Kev de Cauchery

Kev de Cauchery 177

Posted

I get you. Kevin, there's nothing wrong with you or how you're feeling. Most people have been exactly where you are and most people our age are still learning and working their way through a mess of thoughts/emotions. You don't stop growing at 23...or 33 for that matter. If it's being gay you're uncomfortable about, welcome to the club. If it's just insecurity or awkwardness you feel in general, well that's something you will have to take in stride at your own pace, but I see you in a positive light. As far as dying alone...I don't think that's going to happen, and that's not something that need concern. We are social creatures but we inevitably live lives as individuals and you gotta take care of yourself before you can do a good job of taking care of others. Our love lives seem like everything at the moment and I'm not gonna tell you it cannot be or that you ought to think about something else, but I will say that it's one of those things that you can't fully be in control over and its this lack of control that brings anxiety into the equation. As my mom always tells me, "focus on things you do have control over, so when the rest comes, you'll be best prepared". And the rest will come. And f*ck what PluginMatty said, that's horsesh*t.

 

Man, aren't you supposed to be younger than I am? How come you talk so mature? :P

 

and just so you know, it's not the uncomfortability with being gay.

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