Friday I went to this alumni lunch deal at my old high school, where I get a free Bobbie hoagie and sit around and watch current students do a Holiday showcase.

I talked to some people about my friend Steve's death...when I mentioned that he died a drug overdose, almost all of them asked me, "So did they rule out suicide?"

I mean, I get the question, and on an intellectual level I get it, but a part of me just felt pissed off. Pissed off that my friend Steve is going to be dismissed by people who didn't know him as some druggie who took his own life, and pissed off that Steve for going out the way he did. I don't know. I almost feel like it would be easier if Steve had died of a car accident, but he left the way he left, and I feel like omitting how he died would kind of be like I'm shaming him for it. I refuse to do that.

I got told by an e-friend that they think I'm idealizing him because as he put it, heroin is not a social drug and it's used by people who have a massive ability to cope with life., and I do wonder about that. I really want to believe that Steve's heroin use was a one-time thing, and he just accidentally overdosed. I absolutely refuse to believe that Steve did this intentionally- Steve had just 1 paper left before he was going to officially be Mr. Therapist. He was finally going to be done with college, after years of bitching about how much he hated school. There was some chick he planned to bang at Thanksgiving. There's no way he'd intentionally check out like this when he was so close to being done. I don't think Steve joined the 27 Club on purpose. I refuse to believe it.

Anyway...tonight I went Christmas caroling. I have an awful voice, but it was fun. There some rinky dink Christmas parade at this nearby small town that I went to, and at times I just ran and shouted out, "Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!" It just nice to laugh like that. Earlier I just looked out over the Delaware River...it was a really nice, unseasonably warm day, and nothing relaxes me more than being near the water. It was great.