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Some thoughts about California


Well, I'm back, but existentially, I find myself even more empty than before.

 

People say that they go to California to find themselves, but what if you find that your life is completely empty and lonely. Sure, I have some success, some money, and some stability that many other people in the world will kill for and many others would think is enough to be happy. What I found in California wasn't a route to happiness, but just an epiphany of how lonely life can be.

 

To be honest, I did go to San Diego alone, because I wanted to see if I can travel for myself without anyone else and just have fun. For a while there, it was fun.

 

Last Friday Morning, I was walking down Pacific Beach's boardwalk and caught a surfer unzipping his wetsuit out in public :D Twenty something surfer undressing + horny gay guy = GREATEST VACATION EVER! Right...Well, a couple of college kids called out to the guy "This is a Public Beach not a nude beach".

 

That was a fucking buzz kill as the guy quickly wrapped himself with a towel and quickly dressed. I looked over at the group of college kids that heckled my voyeuristic dream away. Two boys and two girls, probably couples, because each girl was locked hand and hand with a boy. The girls laughed at their boyfriends humorous antics.

 

I just kept on walking, but as the day wore on, I kept noticing how everyone was holding hands, embracing one another, or just enjoying each others' company. It just made me feel more and more isolated.

 

When I went to dinner, I sat alone in a restaurant filled with people. I ordered wine and cocktails, but none of that made me feel better.

 

Everywhere I went, I felt an inexorable sense of loneliness and emptiness. When I was at San Diego zoo, I didn't how this happened, but I ended up buying 700.00 worth of souvenirs.

 

Thinking back, I know this is kind of stupid, but it felt right at the time and I am so glad I left my major credit cards at home.

 

For everyone who says that life is not about relationships, love, or connections; I might be your antithesis and ideal. I have a growing investment portfolio, some real estate, and a stable life that affords me anything a middle class man would want. I am not talking about Yachts and Butlers, but just simple things like trips when I want, electronics, video games, and sound systems.

 

Yet, what I want more than all that growth and stability is someone to be there growing with me.

  • Like 1

10 Comments


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Irritable1

Posted

Awww.  You need to come to Northern California next time! 

TetRefine

Posted

You think way too much for a 26 year old. To be honest I think thats part of your problem, based off what I've read in your posts over the years. Just go out and have fun for awhile without thinking about anything important. 

Ashi

Posted

Sounds like a nice vacation to me....  Except nobody ever tells surfers not to undress in public, not in Northern California anyways.  What you saw was kinda exception, really, or maybe that's what Southern Californians do.

 

Next time bring a camera to take photos or doing some sort of activity so you don't feel all by yourself.  I am used to go on a day trip with just my camera.  so I don't feel that lonely.  I really don't think seeing people holding hands makes me lonely.  I usually just smile at them and be happy for them.

W_L

Posted

You think way too much for a 26 year old. To be honest I think thats part of your problem, based off what I've read in your posts over the years. Just go out and have fun for awhile without thinking about anything important.

 

@Matt

 

Tried, it's why I went to cali

 

I also went to the padres game on saturday against the cubs. Same thing, I just felt really lonely and the beers weren't helping. Maybe it's chronic depression or something.

 

As for random people, yeah I talk to them and have empty convos about RBIs and ERA history (ted williams played in san diego for a time you know)

 

It just was hollow

 

@Ash

 

Never been to northern cali, so I might hit you up :)

 

The irony in all of this is that I feel better in dreary cold and gray Boston than I do in sunny beach San diego.

Zombie

Posted

"I have a growing investment portfolio, some real estate, and a stable life that affords me anything a middle class man would want."

 

But the only thing you can take with you is your tats :P

 

Someone once said that all that truly matters in life is those you have loved, and those who have loved you.

Irritable1

Posted

Solo vacations are not all that enjoyable, in my experience, unless I'm looking forward to being alone. W-L do you have online friends you can connect with in person? Or local friends from work or volunteer stuff? It can take some skill to build a network after college, but the people I know have gotten really good at it over time.

asamvav111

Posted

"I have a growing investment portfolio, some real estate, and a stable life that affords me anything a middle class man would want."

 

Marry me please and keep getting more rich!

 

Jokes apart, I do understand your problem. May be you could see a shrink. But, unless you learn to find happiness in your own self, you will never find lasting happiness and peace. Every external object or person you try to find happiness in, is perishable and liable to change. So, you must learn to be happy on your own, without depending on an outside source. It takes a long time to achieve this. So, do not despair if it takes a little longer. We are here for you.

Former Member

Posted

W_L,

 

Your thoughts about loneliness are familiar to many gay people. It's a fact of life for so many us, that a good deal of our time will be spent alone. Being single in a crowd accentuates the feeling of being apart. And you can't leave it behind, simply by traveling. I always loved hiking and trips to quieter places; the exercise gives you an emotional boost, and you connect with something other than your need. But to need human company is a positive. There's a group for most interests, bowling to chorus, and that's a great environment to socialize in while you're waiting for your kindred spirit to come along. And he will.  

Irritable1

Posted

Oneof my quieter friends volunteered at a Pride event when he moved here... Just a thought, since it's coming up...

hh5

Posted

There are gay sections in San DIego. I hear Long Beach, Ca is also a gay section of LA County as well as a college town.

 

I'm surprise there wasn't any bumping into other gay folks??

 

Didn't you have any gay friends or GA friends in Ca you could have asked for vacation ideas??

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