Some thoughts about California
Well, I'm back, but existentially, I find myself even more empty than before.
People say that they go to California to find themselves, but what if you find that your life is completely empty and lonely. Sure, I have some success, some money, and some stability that many other people in the world will kill for and many others would think is enough to be happy. What I found in California wasn't a route to happiness, but just an epiphany of how lonely life can be.
To be honest, I did go to San Diego alone, because I wanted to see if I can travel for myself without anyone else and just have fun. For a while there, it was fun.
Last Friday Morning, I was walking down Pacific Beach's boardwalk and caught a surfer unzipping his wetsuit out in public Twenty something surfer undressing + horny gay guy = GREATEST VACATION EVER! Right...Well, a couple of college kids called out to the guy "This is a Public Beach not a nude beach".
That was a fucking buzz kill as the guy quickly wrapped himself with a towel and quickly dressed. I looked over at the group of college kids that heckled my voyeuristic dream away. Two boys and two girls, probably couples, because each girl was locked hand and hand with a boy. The girls laughed at their boyfriends humorous antics.
I just kept on walking, but as the day wore on, I kept noticing how everyone was holding hands, embracing one another, or just enjoying each others' company. It just made me feel more and more isolated.
When I went to dinner, I sat alone in a restaurant filled with people. I ordered wine and cocktails, but none of that made me feel better.
Everywhere I went, I felt an inexorable sense of loneliness and emptiness. When I was at San Diego zoo, I didn't how this happened, but I ended up buying 700.00 worth of souvenirs.
Thinking back, I know this is kind of stupid, but it felt right at the time and I am so glad I left my major credit cards at home.
For everyone who says that life is not about relationships, love, or connections; I might be your antithesis and ideal. I have a growing investment portfolio, some real estate, and a stable life that affords me anything a middle class man would want. I am not talking about Yachts and Butlers, but just simple things like trips when I want, electronics, video games, and sound systems.
Yet, what I want more than all that growth and stability is someone to be there growing with me.
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