Green,

If your mom is OK with the Liar, why are you still upset?

I can definitely relate to you mate and I sympathise. When I was fifteen I left home mainly because I had a violent relationship with my stepfather. Within a year I realised I could have nothing more to do with my mother as effectively she had chosen a violent husband over her children - I know it's not as simple as that, but when you have kids they should always come first. Even though I really wanted to keep in contact with my mother I couldn't face her after some of the things she'd said and done, and couldn't even begin to address the issues I had with her while she was with him.

Four years ago she left him and we started talking again. We now have a good relationship and while there are still issues we have to address (my sexuality, her habit of chosing men over her children, etc) we're on the right track. It's not exactly the same, but I can definitely relate.

The part that annoyed me was that while I wasn't talking to her everyone was telling me to get in contact with her and treating me like an immature child when I refused. They just couldn't accept that sometimes too much is said and done for a relationship to be salvaged and sometimes time and space are needed to heal before you even try. For me the most important factor was seeing some real evidence that she was willing to change before I put myself out there again.

No matter what anyone says, your parents can always hurt you more than anyone else and when your faith in them is gone it can take a lifetime to rebuild. Don't start trying to have a relationship with her just because you feel obligated - do it because you're ready and because you think there's a real chance. I don't know what the problem is between you and your mother, but you definitely should feel uncomfortable visiting her. If you want to see her again then make sure you do it on your terms - on neutral ground, when "the Liar" is out of the house, whatever is necessary to ensure that you feel comfortable otherwise you risk damaging the relationship further.

Parents are difficult creatures and no one else can truly understand the relationship you have with them, they can only sympathise or perhaps relate. I don't know if your friends are pushing you to make the effort because they have good relationships with their parents or because they have bad relationships and want to see you and your mother getting along, but you should explain to them that you have your reasons for feeling the way you do and they need to respect that.

Good luck with the dinner - I really hope everything goes well for you. Remember that parents, like their children, have to make their own mistakes, but you don't have to pay for their f**k ups. Your mother sounds like a basically decent woman who wants to make the effort. Give her a chance, but make sure it's on your terms.

This all started with the thanksgiving fight we had. I had gotten into a fight with several family members over my sexuality prior to Thanks giving. For thanksgiving they all decided that it was best to have it my mothers house. I really didnt want to be a part of that, so we compromised. I went to my cousins house in New York City and they would have Thanksgiving without me. This was only on the condition that I could spend Christmas at her house. Well Christmas came around and my family once again decided that they should spend it at my mothers house. My mother didnt do anything to stop it so ever since then we've been on a rough patch. Then add to all of this the Liar that really gets to me in the worst way because he's mooching of my mother. I mean I dont even do that when its appropriate to do it, like my birthday.

So now I feel like my mother doesn't listen to me. You see my mother and I have always had a close relationship ever since my father left us. I was always there for her and she was always there for me. I don't know what happened this past year she's been treating me different. I don't know if this is because I moved away. She can't be lonely because My stepfather is more than suitable. He's a great guy and I would have never moved if I knew he wasn't. I imagine that if she needs me she can come talk to me whenever she wanted. I might have to talk to my stepfather about this.

So I don't know where we stand right now. I can relate with you I feel like she's choosing something else over me. God I feel like such a mommas boy.

GREEN

Hey Green!

So I have a theory, but you're probably not going to like it that much. Also of course I don't know your situation that well and feel free to tell me to "shove it", but here's what I think could be going on:

Your mother's always been pretty supportive of your sexuality right? Or at least is now? Well if I remember correctly "The Liar" is gay and he and his own mother had a falling out once she found out? Well I think it's highly possible that your mother, being a kind, compassionate woman, feels very sorry for him and is able to emphatize to a great extent. I mean maybe on some level she's thinking how no one should treat their children that way, and maybe even imagining how your own life would be different without any support. It isn't a completely uncommon reaction for parents of gay children to want to get involved and help other young gay people whose parents aren't there for them. In much the same way that I feel very sorry for and compelled to help other gay people who've had a much harder life than me as a result of their sexuality.

It's also possible that she actually sees something good in the kid. I mean I'm completely on your side about the way he behaved toward you and Chaz, and you have every reason to feel as you do toward him. However, he's probably shown a much nicer side of his personality to your mother. Also, while his problems aren't an excuse for his behaviour, they do really suck. I mean the guy obviously has quite a few issues. It sucks that it's your mother trying to help him, but someone probably should. Also isn't he and his mom a friend of the family? It's possible your mother feels all sorts of other responsibilities and duties to her friends and their offspring.

Anyway I'm not trying to criticize and you were right to take some time and space, as RH said; you don't want to do anything to make it worse. If you're comfortable with it though, at dinner perhaps you could bring up (as calmly as possible) why "the Liar" is still there.

Anyway I hope I haven't given any offense and I wish you the very best with everything. Good luck, have an awesome day, and take care!

Kevin

This all started with the thanksgiving fight we had. I had gotten into a fight with several family members over my sexuality prior to Thanks giving. For thanksgiving they all decided that it was best to have it my mothers house. I really didnt want to be a part of that, so we compromised. I went to my cousins house in New York City and they would have Thanksgiving without me. This was only on the condition that I could spend Christmas at her house. Well Christmas came around and my family once again decided that they should spend it at my mothers house. My mother didnt do anything to stop it so ever since then we've been on a rough patch. Then add to all of this the Liar that really gets to me in the worst way because he's mooching of my mother. I mean I dont even do that when its appropriate to do it, like my birthday.

 

So now I feel like my mother doesn't listen to me. You see my mother and I have always had a close relationship ever since my father left us. I was always there for her and she was always there for me. I don't know what happened this past year she's been treating me different. I don't know if this is because I moved away. She can't be lonely because My stepfather is more than suitable. He's a great guy and I would have never moved if I knew he wasn't. I imagine that if she needs me she can come talk to me whenever she wanted. I might have to talk to my stepfather about this.

 

So I don't know where we stand right now. I can relate with you I feel like she's choosing something else over me. God I feel like such a mommas boy.

 

GREEN

Now I understand a bit more about it, let me say right away that you have every right to be annoyed with your mother. No offence intended as I can see you love her and she clearly loves you, but she should have told her family that if they can't accept you they could have their Thanksgiving and Christmas elsewhere. Instead you had to miss spending time with your mother and she welcomed into her home people who are, if I understand you, either complete bigots or at the very least treat you badly purely due to your sexuality. I'm sorry, but in my opinion if people have children those children come first. Always. No argument.

This, however, is done now and it's clear to me that even though this has upset you you're willing to forgive your mother. To be honest you're letting her off more easily than I would, but then I'm not known for being a particularly forgiving person. Now, as for this person you call "the Liar", it's clear there's more behind your feelings towards him than just the way he treats your mother. That's fine. You don't have to like him. Unfortunately though your mother has, for whatever reason, opened her door to him and while you don't have to like it, you have to respect her decision. Maybe she's making a big mistake, but it's her mistake to make.

She should not, however, make you feel that she is choosing him over you and if you feel this way you need to talk to her. Explain to her why you feel like you do. Tell her calmly, make it clear that you're not blaming her, you just need to explain. At the same time tell her that you miss the relationship you used to have with her and want to do all you can to get it back, you just need her to know why you're feeling so uncomfortable at the moment. She might be able to offer you some reassurance, but either way at least she will understand exactly what the problem is and then it is up to her to make the next move.

I think talking to your stepfather is also a good idea. He sees her on a daily basis and probably knows more about how she is feeling right now than you do. Explain the situation to him and see if he has any advice he might be able to offer. It's possible that there's something about the situation you don't know about and if there is he is probably the best person to discuss it with. It sounds like you trust him, so just talk to him and listen to his advice.

As for feeling like a "mommas boy", that's bullshit. You love your mother and you need her in your life. That's natural. In spite of the number of times my family have mistreated and betrayed me I still keep letting them back into my life. Believe me, if I explained everything that had happened between my mother and I you would wonder why I keep letting her back in, but the fact is I need her just as you need your mother. Don't be ashamed of that, just remember it when you talk to her. She loves you. Her priorities may be a bit screwed up at times, but I'm willing to bet she wants a close relationship with you again. Keep working on it mate, and please remember that while you and I may not know each other well I am always available to talk if you need an objective ear.

Rob