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A Shallow Recess


Cynus

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I’m going to try and write this without sounding childish, but perhaps that’s unavoidable. I may, in fact, be completely out of line to write this at all, but I feel the need to vent my frustrations.

 

Over the past two and a half years, I’ve channeled nearly all of my free time into becoming a writer, and learning and striving to become the best one I could possibly be. Obviously that’s a work which will continue until I either die or decide to stop, as I can always improve. One doesn’t stop learning to improve at the craft, and in the creating of art there is no ending. In going back to read my earlier work, I can tell I’ve improved leaps and bounds in my skill over the language, and in constructing my plots in a more organized and believable manner.

 

But I’m at yet another crossroads where I am left to question if it’s really all worth it.

 

I had a tremendous amount of success with “The Navigator”. Before that novel, I’d been only truly comfortable writing short stories. I knew my first novel, “Rumors of War”, had been filled with a wide range of flaws, and my second piece of novel length, “Ashes of Fate”, wasn’t much better. Even the fantasy novel I currently have in my slush pile and once thought was great isn’t anything impressive to me anymore. I honestly didn’t think “The Navigator” was all that much better (And it does still have its flaws), but when I started posting it, I was completely blown away by the reaction.

 

For some reason, it clicked with readers, and people liked it. I’m grateful for the attention it was given, and for all of you wonderful people reading this who took the time to review/comment on the story. It was amazing to engage with everyone as they read it, and to see people truly like my work. It wasn’t the first time I’d received positive feedback, of course, but it was the first time I’d received that much positive attention on such a grand scale.

 

And it might have gone to my head. This is one of the possible problems I’m facing, though I’m honestly not sure. The success of “The Navigator” made me believe I could actually become a novelist and people would read my work, and enjoy it. I started to map out stories in my head, grand plans I didn’t think myself capable of writing before, but now I was really starting to believe in myself as an artist and as a writer. I’d learned a few major things while writing “The Navigator” as well, some more technical hurdles I still had to clear, but I was ready to face them.

 

I dug in deep and started working on “Return With Honor”. At the time, I’d never been more satisfied with how a story I’d written had ended, but as the story released I found few willing to even give it a first glance, much less a second. In talking with others I head the same thing repeated again and again. ‘It’s because it’s a religious story’ they’d say. ‘The LGBT community doesn’t have the greatest history with religion, and it will bring up bad memories for a lot of people’ was another thing I heard often. I was told the story was “niche”, and that was why people were avoiding it.

 

I understood that, and I accepted it, though it took me awhile to get over the ego I’d developed from “The Navigator” in order to not take it personally. The story was, in fact, heavily influenced by religion, and I could see how that might turn people in our community away.

 

Then I finished Ashes of Fate, wanting to get the story completed so I wouldn’t have it looming over me. I knew this was niche already, though I’d hoped the fresh release of the story at a new website might attract a few more readers. If anything, it seemed like I lost some readers during that process, and again I tried not to take it personally. It was just more “niche” writing, I told myself.

 

Well, I managed to put all of that behind me around the end of October as I threw myself into my new project. “From The Cup of The Worthless” pulled me into it like no story ever has. Even in the busy season at work, I was driven to work on it time and time again. This story beat me up and tore at me in ways I didn’t know it could. I invested more of my soul into these characters than I ever have before, and at several points in this story the emotion for me as their creator was so thick I cried.

 

I guess I got my hopes up that people would somehow sense that energy from me. I guess I let my expectations get ahead of me, telling me that this story would be the one people would see, to know I’d listened to the criticism I’d received on The Navigator, and to the wonderful advice I’d received from everyone along the way on this two-and-a-half-year journey. I honestly thought this would be the story where I’d finally connect with my readers again, where I’d finally be able to break free from that one label which has been applied to me time and time again.

 

I’m so sick of being “niche”.

 

When I was twenty, I received a very important piece of advice from a woman who’d been put in charge of me. She thought of us as her sons, and I know she was genuine in her affection toward us, and wanted us to succeed on all that we did. She was addressing us at a conference where we’d all gathered together to hear a number of important people speak, but I don’t remember who any of the other speakers were, or a single thing they said. I simply remember her clear and poignant statement, “All disappointment comes from unmet expectations”.

 

I’ve tried to apply that statement to my life ever since. When I realize I’m disappointed in how things turn out, I look at my expectations and evaluate if I was really setting myself up for failure. Then I pick myself back up and start again, ready to face the next leg of my journey through life with a clearer head and reviewed priorities. Every time I do, it gets better, but that doesn’t stop me from falling into the same old pattern. I still end up getting ahead of myself with my expectations, and then they come crashing down, and I’m left with nothing but disappointment.

 

And that’s what I’ve done yet again, here. I set myself up for failure by thinking that this latest story, which I loved deeply as it was torn from me, would finally make people see I could write something that wasn’t meant for an occasionally dusted niche in the wall. I know it’s my own fault for letting my ego get ahead of me, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

 

I don’t really know that I’m expecting anything from you now. This was about me venting my frustration, and wasn’t meant to be accusatory or inflammatory in any way. I hope nothing I’ve said has offended any of you reading this, or that you think I have some negative opinion of people who don’t read my work. If anything, the problem lies with me and my work, and my own skewed perspective of the world. I guess it’s just the niche I fit into.

 

I just hope you’ll visit once in a while and talk to me. . . It’s lonely here.

 

Peace and love to all of you.

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:hug: Devilsire, at the end of the day, always write for you. It should never matter how large or small the audience is, and in any case there will always be readers for your stories.

 

Today, I finally began your latest story and I love it :kiss:  and I plan on making my way through your Rumors of War and Ashes of Fate trilogies. :)

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:hug: Devilsire, at the end of the day, always write for you. It should never matter how large or small the audience is, and in any case there will always be readers for your stories.

 

Today, I finally began your latest story and I love it :kiss:  and I plan on making my way through your Rumors of War and Ashes of Fate trilogies. :)

Drew, I wish I had access to you IRL so I could call you up whenever I'm feeling down. Your enthusiasm is always infectious. :hug:

 

I hope, however, that you didn't feel my aim was to guilt people into reading the story. That wasn't my intention at all, and I apologize to anyone who gained that impression. I think what I'm doing here is asking what I'm doing wrong. My identity as a writer is in question here, and I'm trying to understand where my craft fits into the world. Am I really going to be stuck as a niche writer for the rest of my life? This is what's been getting at me.

 

One other thing to clear up... I did write this story for me. I almost always do(Every time I haven't, it's hurt me). I wasn't trying to say I didn't, even though I can see how that could be derived from what I did say. I just thought this story would resonate with people, and I got my hopes up. :)

 

But I do appreciate you taking the time to read the story. Thanks for everything, spawnling. :kiss:

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I'm going to read it! I don't read stories until they're complete, though, so hurry up!

Thank you. Like I said to Drew, however, I really wasn't trying to make other people read it. I was just having a bit of existential crisis.

 

The story is complete, it's just not posted in entirety, but will post one chapter a week until done. You're going to have a few months to wait, I'm afraid. :) Thanks for your support, though! :D

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Aw Cynus, I actually began reading it after my last class of the day ended :) (yeah yeah, I shoulda been studying :rolleyes: but I can't stay away from GA) and I didn't see this blog entry until hours later.

 

Love ya bunches Devilsire! :kiss:

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Aw Cynus, I actually began reading it after my last class of the day ended :) (yeah yeah, I shoulda been studying :rolleyes: but I can't stay away from GA) and I didn't see this blog entry until hours later.

 

Love ya bunches Devilsire! :kiss:

Drew... you rock. I love you, too, son. :kiss::hug::evil:

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I've read you long before I found GA. As a matter of fact I still read you at another site. The reason I still go there is that that site is a lot friendlier to my eyes.

That site has no other way to react to a story than send an e-mail, which for me as a reader is a big step.

So don't assume that just because there's not the expected amount of "likes" or reviews, your work is not appreciated or not read. I suppose you would be surprised. Even as a member on this site I had to be pointed out by an author that "likes" were appreciated. I just didn't think it could mean a lot to an author.

 

You can't please all people. Some time ago I mentioned that with your earlier work you drew me out of my comfort zone,because fantasy stories would not be my first choice to read. However I had given myself the task to read everything on the other site, even if I had to adjust myself. I am so glad I did, for I developed a real liking for your writing.

 

The Navigator was a good story that has characters in it that we could encounter every day and is set in the present. That was part of it's success, I think, because the readers could easily identify with the heroes.

 

Return with Honor I personally found fascinating, because I am interested in religion as a phenomenon and didn't know much about the mormon beliefs. But some people not even want to read a story that deals with religion at all. Whatever their reasons, that doesn't mean that just because less people read it, it is a bad story.

 

The story you are posting at the moment is full of promise and I know I will read it till the very last chapter. I like the interaction between the Russian and Korean/Japanese men and the sense of fear the brother and father are causing.

And again, the fact that I don't give it "likes" is because most of the time I forget and lack of reviews is mainly because alas I can only spend a limited time online, for there is a job in normal life as well.

 

Long story to tell you basically: have faith in yourself, write what you think is worthwhile, be proud of what you accomplish ... then a lot of nothing ... and only then notice (but not worry too much or become elated too much) about likes and reviews.

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I've read you long before I found GA. As a matter of fact I still read you at another site. The reason I still go there is that that site is a lot friendlier to my eyes.

That site has no other way to react to a story than send an e-mail, which for me as a reader is a big step.

So don't assume that just because there's not the expected amount of "likes" or reviews, your work is not appreciated or not read. I suppose you would be surprised. Even as a member on this site I had to be pointed out by an author that "likes" were appreciated. I just didn't think it could mean a lot to an author.

 

You can't please all people. Some time ago I mentioned that with your earlier work you drew me out of my comfort zone,because fantasy stories would not be my first choice to read. However I had given myself the task to read everything on the other site, even if I had to adjust myself. I am so glad I did, for I developed a real liking for your writing.

 

The Navigator was a good story that has characters in it that we could encounter every day and is set in the present. That was part of it's success, I think, because the readers could easily identify with the heroes.

 

Return with Honor I personally found fascinating, because I am interested in religion as a phenomenon and didn't know much about the mormon beliefs. But some people not even want to read a story that deals with religion at all. Whatever their reasons, that doesn't mean that just because less people read it, it is a bad story.

 

The story you are posting at the moment is full of promise and I know I will read it till the very last chapter. I like the interaction between the Russian and Korean/Japanese men and the sense of fear the brother and father are causing.

And again, the fact that I don't give it "likes" is because most of the time I forget and lack of reviews is mainly because alas I can only spend a limited time online, for there is a job in normal life as well.

 

Long story to tell you basically: have faith in yourself, write what you think is worthwhile, be proud of what you accomplish ... then a lot of nothing ... and only then notice (but not worry too much or become elated too much) about likes and reviews.

Thank you for the in depth response.

 

You're right, of course. I'm afraid posts like this are a result of the same mechanism which causes me to write at all. I allow myself to feel deeply, because it helps me get into my characters' minds, but it also means when I get a little grain of doubt nestled in there, it starts to grow and change under the pressure until it becomes a large pearl of existential crisis.

 

I don't know how that translates to me making these grandiose statements about my worth as a writer, but for some reason it does. I let the pressure get to me and it eventually becomes something I need to vent about. No one in my personal life would understand, and so I do so here, hoping people will.

 

Of course, hours later I reread what I wrote and realize I sound like a petulant child, but I figure the damage is already done. So, here I sit, wondering if I've alienated more people by writing this than not, but what can I do now? :D

 

I'm grateful that my stories have had an impact on you, and greatly appreciate that you took the time to write these paragraphs detailing how. It means a lot to me. Many people here have done the same in the past, and I'm grateful to all of them as well.

 

I just go through phases where I doubt myself and my ability, and this was one of those. Thank you for helping me break through the funk.

 

Peace and love.

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I've read a lot of your stories and I hope you know I appreciate them greatly. I try to review these days since I, when I started to write myself, realised just how much only a few words mean. We all seek validation and want to be seen, noticed. In my opinion, that hoes double for anyone seeking to share any kind of artistic work with the world. I've done a bit of acting, sing in a choir and now I write. Mostly, it's for me but at the same time I wouldn't do it to an audience if I didn't care for or want a reaction. We pour our souls into these manifestations of ourselves and it hurts if no one sees us.

 

Deep down, I think we have to decide to try and ignore the numbers as much as possible, in order to not lose our artistic uniqueness. Still, it is evolving as an artist to figure out what the audience (in reality our fellow man) wants or perhap needs. I guess for me the trick is to try and combine these two. To reach others you have to speak to them in a way that makes them listen. Otherwise, what's the point?

 

So, what do I want to say here? I don't know... Perhaps that you should listen to yourself most of all, or your work will become hollow. And maybe just keep one eye/ear on your public.

 

Personally, I think you're doing great! ;)

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I've read a lot of your stories and I hope you know I appreciate them greatly. I try to review these days since I, when I started to write myself, realised just how much only a few words mean. We all seek validation and want to be seen, noticed. In my opinion, that hoes double for anyone seeking to share any kind of artistic work with the world. I've done a bit of acting, sing in a choir and now I write. Mostly, it's for me but at the same time I wouldn't do it to an audience if I didn't care for or want a reaction. We pour our souls into these manifestations of ourselves and it hurts if no one sees us. Deep down, I think we have to decide to try and ignore the numbers as much as possible, in order to not lose our artistic uniqueness. Still, it is evolving as an artist to figure out what the audience (in reality our fellow man) wants or perhap needs. I guess for me the trick is to try and combine these two. To reach others you have to speak to them in a way that makes them listen. Otherwise, what's the point? So, what do I want to say here? I don't know... Perhaps that you should listen to yourself most of all, or your work will become hollow. And maybe just keep one eye/ear on your public. Personally, I think you're doing great! ;)

I am grateful for your understanding, as well as the many reviews you've left on my work. When I was at my low (In case anyone reading this cares, I have bipolar tendencies, and that's the true root of this post) on Wednesday, you were the shining light in the middle of it, because you were the only one who'd reviewed chapter 3 at the time, and I want you to know how much I appreciated that review in particular. It was exactly what I needed at the time to keep me from throwing in the towel entirely.

 

You make some excellent points about listening to myself and trusting my ability as an artist, as well. I guess eomtimes I simply get carried away seeking that validation. Maybe I should simply address me ego? If I could take ego out of it, I think keeping an eye on the public would probably be easier all around, heh. 

 

Thank you so much, my friend. And everyone who took the time to read this or any of my work. I'm grateful just to be read, though I do appreciate hearing from you even more. 

 

I was thinking just the other day that I think I'd rather have 100 reviews of people who had issues with my work than 1000 views I hear nothing from. At least I know the 100 read it! :) Unless I hear from someone, I pretty much have to assume they read a line and gave up on it. But I guess I have to be content with that, as I can't change whether or not people talk to me.

 

Each and everyone who does review/comment/email/send criticism, I am so eternally grateful to you, you have no idea... Thanks for everything. 

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I've enjoyed all your stories very much. In every story you surprise us with a different collection of people in different situations.

 

Those doubts you describe are really a strength, not a weakness. It is because you are so critical of your writing that you write so well, so please don't be discouraged, and certainly don't stop writing; you are one of our stars !!

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I've enjoyed all your stories very much. In every story you surprise us with a different collection of people in different situations.

 

Those doubts you describe are really a strength, not a weakness. It is because you are so critical of your writing that you write so well, so please don't be discouraged, and certainly don't stop writing; you are one of our stars !!

I'm sorry I didn't get to this before. I must have missed the original notification of the comment, as I noticed it for the first time today when I saw my "recent comments" section. Thank you for your compliments. I've recently entered a new writing crisis, so It's good to have this support here. Thank you so much!

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