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Dayne Vs Fitbit Or, A Conversation With My Glorified Pedometer

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Dayne Mora


Today was my first day wearing the Fitbit. For some reason, I see myself having this discussion somewhere down the line.


Fitbit: Dude, Dayne. How are you still gaining weight?


Me: I dunno.


Fitbit: I mean, you've been doing so well lately. Been meeting your daily step goals, staying on the right side of your calories in/calories out, and getting plenty of sleep.


Me: Yeah...


Fitbit: ...but you're still a fatass.


Me: **frowns**


Fitbit: Seriously, what the fuck have you been doing?


Me: Uhm....


Fitbit: Like on this day...


Me: Oh yeah, Monday.


Fitbit: Yeah...Monday... See? You were totally under your calorie allotment.


Me: Looks that way.


Fitbit: But you still gained.


Me: I, uh, kinda forgot to log some of dinner.


Fitbit: What part of dinner?


Me: All of it.


Fitbit: Do I even want to know what you ate?


Me: I just had pizza.


Fitbit: How much?


Me: **awkward pause**


Fitbit: How much, Dayne?


Me: Half a pie.


Fitbit: Fucking hell! Is that all?


Me: No, I also **mumbles**


Fitbit: Come again?


Me: I may or may not have had a fuckton of chocolate.


Fitbit: What the fuck?! **sigh** At least you met your step goal for the day.


Me: About that...


Fitbit: Oh for fuck's sake!


Me: What?!


Fitbit: You didn't seriously do the wank cheat again?


Me: .....maybe


Fitbit: I thought we talked about this.


Me: We did?


Fitbit: I'm fucking serious this time, Dayne. You can NOT wank yourself thin.


Me: But, I wasn't wanking. It's called a bi-cep curl...


Fitbit: ...that looks an awful lot like wanking.


Me: Would it be better if I got a Shake Weight?


Fitbit: Oh my fucking God. Why do I even bother?


~End Scene~

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