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Dayne Vs Fitbit Or, A Conversation With My Glorified Pedometer

Dayne Mora

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Today was my first day wearing the Fitbit. For some reason, I see myself having this discussion somewhere down the line.

 

Fitbit: Dude, Dayne. How are you still gaining weight?

 

Me: I dunno.

 

Fitbit: I mean, you've been doing so well lately. Been meeting your daily step goals, staying on the right side of your calories in/calories out, and getting plenty of sleep.

 

Me: Yeah...

 

Fitbit: ...but you're still a fatass.

 

Me: **frowns**

 

Fitbit: Seriously, what the fuck have you been doing?

 

Me: Uhm....

 

Fitbit: Like on this day...

 

Me: Oh yeah, Monday.

 

Fitbit: Yeah...Monday... See? You were totally under your calorie allotment.

 

Me: Looks that way.

 

Fitbit: But you still gained.

 

Me: I, uh, kinda forgot to log some of dinner.

 

Fitbit: What part of dinner?

 

Me: All of it.

 

Fitbit: Do I even want to know what you ate?

 

Me: I just had pizza.

 

Fitbit: How much?

 

Me: **awkward pause**

 

Fitbit: How much, Dayne?

 

Me: Half a pie.

 

Fitbit: Fucking hell! Is that all?

 

Me: No, I also **mumbles**

 

Fitbit: Come again?

 

Me: I may or may not have had a fuckton of chocolate.

 

Fitbit: What the fuck?! **sigh** At least you met your step goal for the day.

 

Me: About that...

 

Fitbit: Oh for fuck's sake!

 

Me: What?!

 

Fitbit: You didn't seriously do the wank cheat again?

 

Me: .....maybe

 

Fitbit: I thought we talked about this.

 

Me: We did?

 

Fitbit: I'm fucking serious this time, Dayne. You can NOT wank yourself thin.

 

Me: But, I wasn't wanking. It's called a bi-cep curl...

 

Fitbit: ...that looks an awful lot like wanking.

 

Me: Would it be better if I got a Shake Weight?

 

Fitbit: Oh my fucking God. Why do I even bother?

 

~End Scene~

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