I’ve been working on this blog entry for a couple weeks now, but every time I think it has developed into something to publish, I don’t. Mostly, it’s all because of my new mental state which is now controlled by the ingestion of 2,000 mg of valproate sodium (Depakote) to stabilize my moods. Mania is mostly held at bay and never lasts more than a week; depression lasts barely more than a day or two. Mostly, I exist in a nothing state. I write stories, though it takes time to formulate and express thoughts in coherent phrases. I take a nap during the day and sleep fitfully at night. Dreams are not enjoyable.

To help I went to the small expense of buying a book. Until now I’ve relied on what psychiatrists told me and what I’ve read on the internet, which has been okay, I guess. But, I wanted to have a compilation of the latest knowledge on Type 1 Bipolar Disorder. What have I learned? Well, yes, I am Type 1 BPD. It’s a recognized illness and therefore requires medicinal intervention to ameliorate the symptoms and often more than one medicine is needed. I use two, a mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic to alleviate the voices, hallucinations, and help with the depression. Suicide is always a risk, though I no longer fear it as I once did. Maybe I’ve crossed into that land where Virginia Woolf lived before she decided to fill her overcoat pockets with stones and walk into the River Ouse. Thankfully, the medication I’m taking seems to be keeping me from that watery end.

Where do I go from here? Unfortunately, as far as medical science has studied there is no cure for Type 1 Bipolar Disorder. Each manic or depressive episode does a tiny amount of damage to the brain, so if you have a number of them, the cumulative effect can be horrendous until intervention is attempted. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I was 58 when I was diagnosed and started on valproic acid (two tablets twice a day exactly 12 hours apart) and then a few years later to a generic extended release version of Depakote. Looking back on my life I know I was mentally ill as a teenager, but that was the Sixties and you had to be fairly bad off to get noticed. I kept under the radar as much as possible, I think mostly to fend of accusations that I was gay.

Two weeks until week pick up the new puppy!