BREAKING NEWS!!

I thought I would share the truth with everyone, because you have been so nice and pleasant to me.  I said to a few people along the way on here that I struggled with writing, there are several things that cause me to struggle.  I know that this being a huge forum that possibly some on here will suffer with the same thing - not in the same way, but maybe you will GET ME!  I think that's the problem sometimes lately is that people don't get me - they don't understand why some 40 something is struggling in such a hard way - Good grief just get on with your life, move one and get over things that messed up your life.  Really? (that's why I normally say to my friends when they act the way they do, but this isn't about them)

I don't want this to be a major thing, and I don't want to be some long explanation of something that could probably be summed up rather quickly.  That's also a problem with me, I get distracted...Oops!  You see.  Anyways, on to my issues that I want to share with all of you, or those that at least give a shit, and believe me I won't be offended if you don't even take the time to read this - I would completely understand.

First, I struggle with the agonizing demon of being Obsessive Compulsive - Yes, I got a doctors note and I'm officially been diagnosed as this crazy festering (is that a word?) type.  And of course OCD is a huge thing, and it's different for everyone.  One of my crazy, messed up triggers is "Words" and how they sound.  WHAT?  Seriously, several years ago I went crazy (privately) when I heard myself say I word and I started repeating the word over and over again.  I would say the word, trying to make it sound proper in my head (usually I gave up).  I know - it sounds crazy.  Be honest, because it does to me also.  And--that's sort of the reason why I write in present tense, because I don't get fouled up by the "-ed" words and that strange way some of them sound (lol).  But of course I'm doing in now, and maybe because writing a story or whatever is more long lasting, and not some quick fix hook up like writing a blog entry.  I don't know, go figure.  So, that's some of my dilemma when I sit down to work on my writing - Sometimes I stare at the screen and sometimes I'm typing and sometimes I'm deleting everything I just did.  Understand?  Or do I need to clarify more?  (Feel free to ask me questions if you need more ideas of what I'm talking about...lol)

Second, and probably the most devastating of everything that I was going to say today, and probably the main reason for why I'm going on this massive rambling that most people don't care...Ooops!  I have Diabetes, and after I lost my job in 2016 I lost my insurance and couldn't get my medication or go to a doctor...whatever I had to do.  Long story short (too late), I developed these things in my eyes that I call Fuzzy Dots, and they are quite annoying, but not a major deal at this time - but over time they might become even worse OR I just might lose my sight all together (even legally blind would be bad).  FD's are like if I'm reading something on the computer, and I'm looking at a certain word, I can tell that certain areas are blurred out or "fuzzy".  For example, if I'm looking at the word fuzzy, it's like the words below it are blurred out, and if I look at a certain part of the word, the beginning is blurred.  The most frustrating part is trying to explain things to people ESPECIALLY when you're Obsessive Compulsive.   I am currently going to an doctor that is helping me, but his appointments are like six months apart and it's like I wanna get this worked out NOW (pulling my hair out).  I do go to see him in January, and I'm basically going to flat out ask him - Is this something that can be fixed? - If he says that it can be fixed, then I have to figure out if financially I can do it.  If he says that he can't do it, then I have to figure out how I'm going to hold it together (because believe me, life sucks right now for me, lol).

So there are my two major problems why I find it hard to write.  It's not that I don't have ideas, believe me I have the ideas.  But I get so distracted by my OCD and by my Fuzzy Dots.  Most of the time I sit there in my chair, feeling sorry for myself because it's like my life is over.  I think about losing my eye sight, and the fact that enjoying things will most likely slow down even more.  I'll have to go through the chore of learning how to use a computer (as blind person).  It's bad enough that analyze everything that I say, and write - but I'm not getting any younger.  Most of the people on here around my age already have six pages of content (WTF...AC Benus...lol).

I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, or to rush over and put their arms around me (Hmmm, wait!  What am I'm saying?  That's a different topic).  The ultimate idea would be that someone could write my stories for me, that would be awesome.  But that would mean that you would have to love the ideas as much as me, and finding someone like that is probably going to be rare.  I like to write a certain way, and like most of you have been saying - Write how you wanna write! - Do what works for you! - I get it, but I still can't sit down and write a simple paragraph like some you can (I know practice, practice, practice - humbug - lol).  I have been writing for a long time now, but the problem is that it stays locked up rather tight (deleted), or it's in a format that people won't read, like a script.

That's it for now, this is longer than what I was planning on and I was obsessive compulsive about 64.2% of time so I better stop before I beat someone pointless (me).  If you would like to hear more about some of fetish ideas that I mentioned in my previous entry I did hide a link in my blog somewhere - I don't wanna make a big deal about it, but that's where my writing was a year ago with script writing (ANYWAYS).