Some people might not understand what this blog entry's about, and if you don't, count yourself as one of the lucky ones. For those of you who know what's up, well, you know......

The last few days have been tough for me. I took a bold step and walked in to the unknown, a place where I felt unwelcome and unwanted, mainly because I gave myself a sentence of purgatory in a moment of rage and isolation. People who know me on this site know that I'm a stubborn asshole. I have my ideas and no one changes my mind about things. I like to come to my own conclusions about things and not be influenced by others who try to change my mind. Nothing I decide is final for the sake of having an opinion...ask me about my abortion stance one day and you might walk away scratching your head and saying, "Damn, he's f'd up, isn't he?"

But that's not what's important here. What's important is that I get what's on my chest off of it, and in the process, clear a few things up.

I had a nice discussion with one of my favorite authors tonight, and we had a short but real talk about things that have been going down between us, and I'm glad. There was a time when I would venture into the same area of the site he was in and look forward to hearing him hiss at me. Somewhere along the line something changed, and as long as you don't tell anyone, I'm willing to accept the blame for that.

I lost a really close friend behind something stupid one night here at GA, and somehow, I managed to mix up my anger and hurt over that with how I felt about other people I used to enjoy talking to. I was stupid, though, because things didn't have to change like they did. Still, I swore to myself and to everyone on GA that I'd never go back and associate with my old friends, and I kept my promise.

The other day I dared myself to go back. I don't know what brought it on, but I did. The thing was, when the room started to fill up, I got nervous and didn't talk. Then someone said something that got me a little upset, but instead of speaking up about it, I decided to be a smart ass and drop subtle hints here and there about it. If there's one thing everyone here should know about me by now, it's that I'm a jack ass, and I'm actually quite proud to be one, thank you

The problem with that, though, is that no one knew where I was coming from. So I let my presence be known to a few and chatted with them, but when I knew I was going to be gone or too busy to chat, I purposely stayed in chat on away status. I know what people were thinking, but I didn't care because I had to prove a point. What point was that? I have no idea, but I still had to prove it .

So anyway, I want to thank Lugh for having the class to talk to me and tell me what was on his mind, and for listening to me. Now that we've done that, though, I feel like I have to do my part. Thus, this entry. Take it anyway you want to, because it is what it is. But at least I can say that I'm at peace with myself and can move forward from here.

Kisses

Nick