Warning this blog entry contains profanity, and while it's purpose is certainly not to offend those with a same sex orientation the subject matter may be offensive to some. The opinions expressed here are only my own and all comments, concurrent or dissenting, are not only welcomed, but eagerly encouraged. Please, simply remember to treat others with respect in your response.

In my opinion one of the most significant hindrances to the advancement of gay rights is the inability for all of us to agree on just how those rights should be manifested, and just what constitutes an infringement of those rights. While I'd love to (and may eventually) debate the many prejudices and divisions with which "GLBT" people treat each other that is mostly beyond the intended scope for this entry and may only lightly touch on the subject as it relates to the semantics of the issue. As is often the case my focus in interest is one the words and language we used and the intent behind them.

Much has been made in recent months about the word "faggot". In fact The Advocate had a recent feature in which is described the term as the "new F word". Of all the possible terms for homosexual individuals faggot appears to be the most derisive. It's difficult, if not impossible, for most people to get away with using the word without indicating a prejudice. Similarly it's little brother, "fag", has an almost equally bad rep. Yet, in my opinion there's a major distinction: the word "faggot" is, to me, virtually never appropriate whereas the word "fag" can be applied in a more neutral, even affectionate manner.

I suppose it's very similar to the oft used example black people addressing each other with a certain label, but for all other groups that label is off limits. Indeed it's very unlikely that I would get offended by another gay person using the word fag casually, and assuming I regarded the person positively they could easily get away with addressing me as a fag. With straight people...well personally the word just doesn't bother me that much, so I would always be more concerned with the intent/feelings behind the word than just the use of the word. I would probably think that it's inappropriate for any given straight person to use the word, even in a non-offensive context, but I wouldn't necessarily be offended unless it was used explicitly in a derogatory manner. Coming from a very straight person with a lot of "gay cred" it would probably be perfectly acceptable and wouldn't even strike me as inappropriate. I do have some straight friends who obviously aren't homophobic and are well acquainted with gay issues, and as such I regard it as they're prerogative to use the word.

I realize this isn't something that all, or even many, gay people would agree with me on, and indeed while I view the above situations as "okay", I wouldn't necessarily advise them or partake in them myselves. I rarely use the word fag and if I do it's only in exclusively gay company and only among friends whom I know won't take offense. To me just because I do feel that as gay people it's our prerogative to use the term I also think that when done publically and in front of straight people, especially straight people who aren't well acquainted with all the issues, it's potentially very damaging to our stance.

To me the word "faggot" always makes me bristle. I'd probably never use the word, and it never seems okay. I have a very gay friend who frequently uses the word fag, doesn't bother me (though as I said before I think it's not really a good idea for him to do it so casually in front of non-intimate straights), but the other day he added the "-got" to the end and I did find it somewhat offensive and highly inappropriate.

"Dyke" is another interesting term. To some it seems like a dirty word, to others not at all. Lesbians, in my experience, have generally seemed okay with other lesbians using the word, and occasionally bristled when it was used by a non-lesbian. It seems to me that they take a more sensible, pragmatic approach to the term than gay males usually do to the term "fag". They do indeed often, in my observations anyway, let context and intent decide whether or not it's "okay". But who else can use the word? Do gay males naturally have the prerogative to refer to their lesbian sister as dykes? (do lesbians has the right to call their gay brothers fags?) In my opinion, not necessarily. The relationship between lesbians and gay males is often not intrinsically close enough to warrent this level of controversial familiarity. I have many MANY lesbian friends, and all of them have the "right" as far as I'm concerned to use the term fag. Most of them I couldn't really imagine doing so, some of them would do it without thinking twice.

Anyone who knows me fairly well will know that I'm a huge supporter of lesbians! One of my best friends ever, and the first person I ever came out to was a lesbian. I always got along very well with girlfriends and all their friends, and my two current best friends in Houston are a lesbian couple. I've been to all lesbian events/gatherings and in general I have a very favourable bias towards lesbians, "oh good you're a lesbian! I'm sure we'll get along smashingly then!". So anyway if anyone other than an actual lesbian should be able to comfortably and casually use the term dyke in a non-offensive manner I think I should, and yet I don't, probably because of my over-cautious nature when it comes to being politically correct.

Then there are all the other terms and their possible uses. A VERY wildly debated, popular vernacular is of course slangish use of the word "gay" to describe something generally cruddy. This is a sure-fire way to get both gays and straights all riled up and split evenly. I've have quite a few gay male friends, and a couple of lesbian friends, who frequently and casually refer to something as "gay" and who wouldn't think of taking offense if a straight person did the same thing. I have a couple of other gay male and lesbian friends who are ready to hang anyone, gay/lesbian or not, who uses the term in that way. I have straight friends of both genders who definitely aren't homophobic who are quite comfortable using the term in that way in front of me, and I have other friends who would use it but not in front of a gay person, or who wouldn't use it for fear of being offensive. Then, sadly, I'm pretty sure I know others who use the term in exactly the derogatory way that those who decry it fear. To me it's a complete mixed bag. I pretty much never take offense when it's used in this way, unless I know the person to be homophobic, but then it's more of a reaction to that person than the term usage anyway. Personally I'm pretty ambivalent about it. Initially when it caught on I didn't particularly like it, but now I'm so used to it that it doesn't faze me. I'd never use it myself though, even if I did like it, because again I think it's too hot and delicate a topic.

Obviously the generic term "gay" is the most favourable and least offensive term when it comes to simply describing orientation. For me "homosexual" is perfectly fine as an adjective, but often has somewhat negative connotations used simply as a noun. "He's a homosexual" sounds too clinical and potentially dehumanized for my taste. "He's gay" is great. "He has a homosexual orientation" - though a bit more cumbersome - is perfectly fine, but I'm unlikely to simply describe myself as a "homosexual". It's far too impersonal for my taste, and it can often be said in a negative way. This all probably stems from "homo". I hate that term. I accept that it's generally considered less offensive than "fag", but I just subconsciously immediately perceive it as a slur.

Then there's "queer". I'll be honest, I don't really like queer. I don't really like the sound in general, so regardless of what it meant it probably wouldn't be one of my favourite words anyway. But as far as usage I've just never really liked this one. Personally speaking I straight up like the word "fag" better than "queer" (and again "faggot" makes my stomach turn), but I'm definitely more comfortable using and hearing the word queer because of it's current more P.C. nature.

Then there's "queen". I hate this term applied to me, and no one can really get by with using it directed towards me without at least a somewhat negative response. Usually this is purely internal because as far as I can recall no one, but friends and/or other gay people have ever addressed/referred to me with this term, and I don't believe in needlessly taking offense or starting drama, especially when the intention wasn't bad - which I know it wasn't - so while it bothers me I just keep my mouth shut, and discretely let those close to me know that it isn't an appropriate way to refer to me. I'd quite honestly rather be called a "fag" than a "queen" in both an affectionate ("fag" feels more affectionate to me) or offensive manner ("queen" feels more offensive to me).

If I was having a confrontation with some homophobic person and they called me a fag, it wouldn't particularly bother me. I'd obviously be offended and mad that they were trying to insult me, but the word itself wouldn't hurt. I could even readily see myself responding in a defiantly casual way "Yeah I'm a fag, so what?". If they called me a "queer" and said it in such a way that the word was just dripping with acid, I'd be very unlikely to respond in kind "yeah I'm a queer, so what?". I probably would respond "Yeah I like other guys/am gay/whatever, so what?", but the word "queer" said meanily would offend and upset me to the point that I probably wouldn't be able to take the term back and "own it". Same with "homo", which I'm sure I'd be even less like than "queer" to blow off and fire back. "Faggot" would obviously just be the utmost profane and thoroughly piss me off.

Again, I think it's more appropriate for GLBT people to use the term "queen" than regular straight people (again I'd make an exception for our closer straight allies). Recently at work I had to deal with a picky, older gay man, and as he steadily wore down my patience I began to think of him as "a fussy old queen", which I did mean in a derogatory way. I was essentially mentally applying something I regarded as a slur to him, but because I too could be categorized as a "queen" (it annoys me, but obviously I could be a "fussy young queen"), I didn't feel any guilt or sense of disappropriate behaviour. Had he belonged to any other minority I most definitely would have still gotten annoyed with him, but I would not have ever thought of him as a "fussy old ___(insert relevant slur here)". Interestingly this again seems to be the general feeling among people of all various groups. My hispanic co-workers often have nasty things to say about difficult hispanic customers, my black co-workers often have negative things to say about their black customers, and so on.

I don't regard this as evidence of prejudice however. Frankly I generally love interacting with other gay people and admit to having a preference to doing so. It's just that if they tick me off I feel more comfortable and justified calling them out. I suspect it's much the same with all the other groups, because they're members of your "group" you're probably more comfortable and used to dealing with them, but if they cross the line there's less reluctance to call them out and risk appearing bigoted. This is not to say that I don't think it ultimately has that effect. In general I don't think it's a good image to present to the general public of having members of a minority say things to/about each other that others can't get away with. It creates a double standard (which ultimately I think is okay) and gives people who may have prejudices against that group more ammunition (which obviously isn't okay). Thus I thought you annoying, fussy old queen but didn't say it to any of my co-workers, and had I broken down and gossiped about him like that I would definitely only have done it to/in front of my gay/lesbian co-workers. To me "drag queen" is completely neutral, as is to a somewhat lesser extent "fag hag".

Then there's the way straight people treat us and address us. I've often been surprised and a bit caught off guard (though hopefully I masked it), when non-homophobic, friendly straight guys have called me "honey", "baby/babe", or some other pet name. Now obviously I would regard these labels as sarastically offensive out of the mouth of a homophobic straight guy, but when used obviously non-sarcastically and by straight guys I'm friends with there's certainly no reason to take offense. Yet, it usually does throw me. I keep thinking "Babe? WHAT??". Interestingly, and logically, it's usually the guys that tend to address girls they're close with in this same manner who do it. To me this signals a sort of confusion on the straight guy's part, "well I don't think he wants to be treated like one of my regular guy friends, so I guess I'll treat him like one of my lady friends". Actually I do prefer to be treated like one of the regular guy friends. If you want to use an affectionate term I'm much more comfortable and flattered by "dude, man, bro, bud, etc.". I'm also fine with straight guys acting like straight guys around me, I'm fine with hearing and participating in who's hot and who's got nice tits etc.

Yet, this actually seems to signify that it's me that has the hang up. I don't think twice about a female (lesbian or straight) or another gay/bi male calling me "honey" or "babe". At work their are several straight girls who typically address me as sweetie, hun, or the like, and it actually rather makes me happy. There's also another gay guy who always uses one of these terms to address me and again I find it flattering and pleasing. There's also a bi guy who does it, and again it's no big thing. So it seems a little hypocritical of me to find it uncomfortable when a straight guy does it. Especially since it obviously means that he likes me and considers me non-threatening.

I think this more has to do with my expectations about gender/sexual roles. I also know that I'm guilty of accidently making people uncomfortable with my use of terms of endearment. I refer to any guy - gay or straight - and quite a few girls as "dude" if I like them and regard them as a friend, usually without thinking. I realize cognatively that it isn't really appropriate to say to a female friend, "Dude, did you see that funny looking red car?!", but I tend to do it without thinking. This probably stems from the fact that many of my close female friends have been tomboyish (some lesbians, some straight) and have used the same term casually with me and each other quite a bit, thus it obviously IS okay to use it with them, and basically just boils down to "Friend, did you...", but to a random regular girl this might be unsettling or insulting. Ironically, I think I get away with it a little bit more easily because I am gay. I've also had several gay male friends who found it odd when I addressed them as "dude", and complained that it was too "straight guy" or that I was "posing" or something. I even have one male to female transgendered friend and it would obviously be catastrophic to accidently address her as "dude".

I also think that it's really important to remember that words are just that, words, and ultimately they all mean and describe the same thing. There's really no difference between a gay, queer, fag, faggot, homo, homosexual, etc. Just as there's really no intellectual difference between any "swear word" and it's "proper" synonym. In the end does it matter if you call her a "whore", "ho", "hooker", "harlot", or simply a "prostitute"? You mean someone that has sex for money, end of story. Same with the beforementioned terms, you mean someone who is sexually inclined to their own orientation, end of story. Obviously there are different levels of vulgarity and social acceptability attached to the various terms, but in the end I think we ought to try intellectually isolate the meaning from the way it's said. Obviously someone who's simply vulgar or unsophisticated could use the term "faggot" to refer to a gay man, and have absolutely no personal bias toward the man or his orientation. Similarly someone who's politically correct could refer to someone as "gay" and be full of hate and prejudice to that person. In the end, to me, it isn't really the words that matter but the way in which they are intended.

Anyway, that's what I think about all of that. Anyone else have any thoughts on any of the various points? I'd love to discuss it further!

Take care all and have an awesome day!

Kevin